To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

[cricketmum84]

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

@peboh I suppose you feel very proud of yourself for lecturing this poor woman when she's down...?

Disabled people aren't perfect. In fact it's an ableist expectation that we should be morally irreproachable, well-adjusted, not resentful of our conditions, never jealous of others, etc. I'm the real world, of course people make comparisons! It's just human nature. The important thing is that it shouldn't affect access or equal rights. But many, many people would agree with OP - equally, of course, some wouldn't. How is it helping her in any way to leave rebarbative, nasty comments?

[quote Innocenta]@MindyStClaire OP absolutely does not owe her oldest an apology. Her oldest has been physically violent and wished death on her. Expecting OP to be perfect when she's facing a new, worse prognosis herself is utterly unreasonable. She needs time to grieve and process, and her family should support that - these aren't little kids. [/quote]
Her DC owes her an apology too, obviously. But presumably DC1 has struggled all their life with their disability, and presumably OP has fought their corner time and time again (based on my friends with DC with ASD). OP threw that in her face and minimised it. Understandably, tensions are high and we've all said things we shouldn't under a tiny fraction of the stress they're under. But I do think OP should apologise.

@Disneyforever1974 I don't doubt your intent at all and it sure sounds like this family needs some emergency assistance and therapy! Idk what helps the elder teen to recall things and function but it definitely sounds like more help is needed stat. Wish there was more help for adolescents to young adults but there's a black hole in funding and programs between children and adults

Yes, a cleaner: they won’t just clean your house but ease your mind.

Can’t offer any relationship advice except to say that you’re all hurting and probably need to sit down as a family and talk this through.

Practically, viz the cats, are you able to pour biscuits from a box until your partner gets home? If not, can they just leave a heap in the morning then give them wet food when you get home.

@Disneyforever1974 In practice, not all disabilities are equally bad. It's rude to invalidate someone, but we all know this deep down.

Please do ring your local authority to get a Care Act assessment OP. They will assess your eligibility for support at home, anything from personal care to making meals, and support to help you with parenting too if needed. Any service would be means tested, but they will do a financial assessment as part of this. They also have access to occupational therapists and reablement teams who can explore ways maintain some independence.

You do not need to be struggling to this degree

@cricketmum84 depending on how much savings you have get onto adult SS, your GP & OT to get them to come and do an assessment on what you need in your home, you may need to make a fuss but don’t be fobbed off if you think you are entitled to something and the refuse you funding/equipment. Also if it’s not to personal how are you managing with toileting when your DH is at work & the girls are at school? If you are struggling again contact SS/GP for help

You don't need to wait for PIP to come through to get services involved. It's needs based. I think you have to go through your GP for a referral to Social Service and for OT. Things get easier when you have a social worker assigned. The OT will sort you out with aids and adaptations (you probably could have got your bath lift via them). The social worker will arrange care services.

@Innocenta I agree I just struggle when people say deliberately hurtful things in the course of an argument because I think it is totally unacceptable and if you have lost that much control that you can’t stop yourself saying things that you know are going to cause long term harm then you need anger management.

Also you can get Direct Payments if you feel you can handle that. That will allow you to employ or pay for those services yourself. They give you a budget and you hire cleaners or carers or anything that will help you with your needs.

I think you should contact adult social care and see if they can get some help for you (you can do this regardless of benefits).

And tricky one. I have an autistic DD of a very similar age and whilst she wouldn’t speak to me like that I can see why your dd was upset. Yes my DD’s legs work but they might as well not as her crippling social anxiety means she rarely leaves her bedroom and has no friends or social life. Autism isn’t a picnic either, I would start by sitting down and having an adult conversation with her, apologise for what you said, point out calmly how difficult things are for you, and ask her to help you make a plan of how jobs can be shared.

What is your disability for it to have happened so quickly. Have you had a stroke or MS.

@cricketmum84 maybe start a new thread asking for help/advice in regards to what help is available and where to get it from because it’s hard to look yourself if you don’t know what you’re looking for, there’s a lot of people on here that would love to help. Also if you’re having a bad day and don’t want to burden your family please use us we’re great at just listening.

@Christmasfairy2020 OP’s diagnosis isn’t relevant to this thread.

I totally understand as i have teens but kindly please don't devalue autism as it's very demeaning to us 💜

Op really.... bit nasty of you to compare your childs autism to your illness, like autism is a breeze. They struggle everyday of their life too. Bit mean that, but does sound like you are at the end of your tether.

@WeMarchOn Not everything is about you.

@DeflatedGinDrinker Have you rtft? Her child is literally violent towards her.

OP my dd is autistic. She is at her absolute worst when she is tired and stressed. When things were bad for her she lashed out constantly at me. I got called every name under the sun. At the moment things are good and she wouldn’t dream of behaving that way. I am guessing, as others have said, that your dd is extremely stressed about your condition and in the selfish way that teens are, what the impact will be on her life. She will be feeling it’s desperately unfair on her to be expected to be your carer. She’s not wrong. It is unfair. However life has dealt your family this blow and you must learn to cope with it together. I would suggest that rather than an ad hoc list of needs she has set tasks to do at set times with set consequences if not done. Lay it all out for her. The unknown is extremely anxiety-inducing for her. It’s extremely important that you and dh agree these beforehand so you can parent consistently. When you set out the tasks you should both do it rather than you saying ‘this is what I need’.

I am very sorry to hear that your condition is now irreversible and that you are facing such an enormous challenge with your health and your family. Good luck with it all. Things will get better I’m sure.

@MathsyUsernameGoesHere My guess is, from reading OP's posts, that in the longer term she would probably want to talk to DD about that comment and the row that led to it. Of course I don't think that it was a good or 'right' thing to say. My issue here is only with the PP focusing on this one comment from OP, often to the exclusion of everything else, when it's not actually rare at all for people with disabilities to make comparisons in private - nor is it in any way exceptional for someone with autism (or any diagnosis!) to behave very badly.

In short, the autism being in this picture does not make DD the victim here, but a lot of people mistakenly think it does. She deserves understanding, and support of her neurodiversity, of course! But not to be enabled in abusing her family (including little sister).

Jesus Christ. I was an arsehole at 16 but even I wouldn’t have seen my mum go hungry.

I think it's been said somewhere here but I would strongly recommend getting a social services assessment of your needs, they can also do an OT assessment to see what adaptions could be made to your living space. Good luck OP that all sounds so tough

@Christmasfairy2020

What is your disability for it to have happened so quickly. Have you had a stroke or MS.

I have motor neuropathy. It literary came one within a few months. The neurologist thinks I may have had an infection that triggered it but I've also lost a huge amount of weight that he thinks has added to it.

Basically once the nerves are dead then they are dead. I'm heartbroken. I have dreams where I get up and walk and then I wake up and remember that can't happen.

My husband actually Had to hide my painkillers from me tonight. That's how low I have got.

Even more worrying that the children won't acknowledge that you need to eat regularly. I'm so sorry - you shouldn't have to share a diagnosis for people to take this seriously and respond empathetically.

I have neuropathy too, mine is sensory based but like you I have dead and damaged nerves in my legs and arms...pants isn't it.

However once you are stable and got over the shock of everything, you will feel better about things. I promise you will.

We can't change what happened to us but we can work around things.

I understand, I have down days too. Tomorrow everything will be better and that is all you need to do at the minute. Just hold onto hope and get though today, one breath at a time. (((hugs)))