To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

[cricketmum84]

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

@korawick12345

Sounds like you have really unpleasant children.

Well that's helpful!!!

YANBU, get a cleaner and change the wifi password!

@EKGEMS maybe because giving in means accepting that their mother is never going to get better and they're just not ready for that yet. I know there is counselling to help youngsters adjust to these kind of changes within the family but it sounds like the OP is still in the early stages of getting outside help.

@EKGEMS you’re absolutely right that the things asked of them are easy, but I don’t think it’s the type of chore that is the issue it’s that they were asked to do them in the first place. I think that refusing to do them stems from a few things firstly I think children these days are immensely entitled and don’t see why they should do anything they don’t want to especially not for free, it sounds like they haven’t been expected to do any chores prior to the OP’s disability and unfortunately that’s on OP & her DH and finally all kids are different, my youngest has made her own packed lunch since she was 6 because she wanted too whereas my oldest two were a lot older before they did their own packed lunch.

*Basically I starve. Sometimes I can manage with a perching stool to prepare some toast and sometimes he has enough time to prep me a sandwich before he sets off.

Just hoping and praying that the PIP comes through so I can afford to get someone in to help.

I'm really new to all this.*

Contact Aocial Services for a needs assessment to see if you qualify for any help. That might be someone who comes in to prepare you some lunch. Whether you woukd have to pay will depend on your financial situation.

But. Carers would only do your lunch. So your children would have to get their own. Might gkve them a bit of a sharp shock!

On the other hand it might be worth seeing if there is a young carers group on your area. They can get support which might be useful because their lives have changed too (even if they are not actually your carers).

@starfishmummy why weren’t the kids not making their own lunch prior to their mum’s disability? I think this is the problem the OP has made a red for her own back I’m afraid

This isn't helpful but if they aren't helpful around the house etc...
Then you've only got yourselves to blame for that but it isn't too late for that. You do not have to bribe them with money to do simple house chores.
Theyre both old enough to be sat down and talked to about your situation. Explain to them why you need their help and to help ease the burden on their dad.

It must be really difficult being in your situation but you are still their mother. You still lay down the ground rules.

OP, your DD sounds as if she's actually really distressed and is acting out - the best advice you've had on here is around demand avoidance and acknowledgement of them being young carers. Many of the comments seem to ignore the emotional impact on an autistic teen of seeing her mum's health deteriorate to such an extent, and how that upset might be expressed in a meltdown/demand avoidant way. You must feel like you have such an unbearable amount to deal with already, but looking at your descriptions from the outside, I'd really advise trying to get her some support, and acknowledge how difficult she's finding the demands. From your description of the family meeting, unless you dig deeper into why she's so angry, it'll get worse rather than better.

I highly recommend the sort of "how to talk so kids will listen" approach in this situation (I have a child who's historically behaved in quite a.similar way due to childhood trauma - this kind of acting out always meant she was really, really distressed and anxious.... she's actually a really thoughtful and kind person 😁)

@cricketmum84

I am so sorry to hear that it's going to be a permanent disability 💐

Scope online sounds like a good thing to check out!

Some of the comments & advice on your thread are terrible, I hope you're ok x

But there have also been some great ousts & I hope you can take what you need from them.

You're the only one on the thread that knows what your eldest Dd is capable of.

The defiance & panic stuff is well worth looking into though.

As for your DH though, it is NOT optional to not have time to make sure he's prepared you accessible food & drink for the day, that should be his priority in the mornings.

How are you getting washed & dressed?

Are you now in a wheelchair all day or can you move between the chair & other furniture etc?

(Aside from your girls helping you more) Have you stopped to think about what 'gadgets' would help you. There are a surprising number of things in Anazon & careco that make life that little bit easier and I found buying a few extra 'normal' things made life easier too (silly things like 3m charging cables that meant a) my phone was always on charge, at the end of the cable, and near me for emergencies (battery was already crap so I wasn't bothered about that) but not having to keep moving the charger around or having a flat battery made life easier. I bought a table on castors for £25 from Amazon that's been a god send, obviously your needs will be different to mine, but spending a relatively small amount of money has made things much easier.

If you need to stop pocket money to be able to afford these bits or a helper/cleaner then do so, pocket money is a privilege-not a right and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. 💁🏻‍♀️ (I'm shrugging my shoulders too, because that a new 'trick' this week.🙄)

I hope you can get some care too, as well as some help to come to terms with the news, it's a lot to come to terms with xx

Take care of yourself xx

@BadNomad I think you're so on the money here.

Apologies for using the word burden. I just mean your husband is having to deal with a lot of stuff as well as work, so the least your kids can do is be helpful.

So I imagine that this is very difficult for you to accept yourself.
It will also be difficult for your children to accept. You need to take a moment and think about why they are being like this. They are probably very worried/ concerned for you and have had to deal with a lot of change. How many household chores did they do beforehand? I know if this happened to me I’d be screwed as I don’t ask my kids to do much around the house. And whilst they may help me out they would find it an absolute chore to do it everyday. They may feel like they have gone from
Zero responsibility to a lot on their shoulders/ the expectation is high.

Now you have the news that this is your life now, take some
Time to calm
Down and then in a few days hold a family meeting. Explain about your condition, how your feeling and that you know it’s also a lot for them to take in. Then discuss the way forward.

This must be really difficult op and I'm sorry. But please never assume that your disability trumps somebody else's. Being unable to walk may not necessarily be worse than autism with some people.

@Disneyforever1974 @BadNomad Maybe someone like an occupational therapist could come in (like another person suggested prior)and if the home is set up then maybe the children could do it if a stranger had a discussion with all four of them-sometimes kids are more willing to do things when asked by non parents ? I just feel so bad for this Mom and cats starving and so many people on here are kicking her while she's down and excusing the two kids.

I was fully on board until your autism comment. It isn't a competition or a pity party. Even in your condition there are people in a far worse situation. However I totally get the frustration.

As for stopping their pocket money to pay for a cleaner. Too right if they cannot help you out they do not deserve it. Pocket money is a luxury that should be earned the same as their father is going to work to earn. Tell your ds the next time he says you can fuck off for asking him to do something that he can go out and get a paper round or a Saturday job if he wants internet access at home. I would cut all privileges unless it's used for school work( which I would monitor). I'd they cannot help out then why should you provide nice non essentials for them. Change the WiFi password I bet that gets a reaction.

@Christmasfairy2020

If your dd is this abusive ring ss and say you can't cope with her anymore. They do have care homes for children / adults with severe autism.

Really?! The ableist views on this thread are astounding. Just stick your child in a home because they don't comply or behave in acceptable ways. Do you have any idea how many families are living with violent and challenging behaviour and how little support exists?

Thankfully we don't put our children in homes anymore.

💐💐💐. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better soon

“she has hurt be before. She has punched me and broken my finger and trapped me behind a door and bruised me”

I think you should have mentioned this in the first place. I’d suggest getting professional help. Perhaps you could look at Young careers charities or charities that deal with people with your condition.

I’m shocked at how many posters think they are being helpful and supportive by telling the OP how wonderful their children are. I’m sure that must make the OP feel just grand 😒

Also, I find a lot of the suggestions very extreme and unlikely to result in things getting easier for the OP. Technically the 16 year old might deserve to be taught a lesson by removing the Wi-fi etc etc but doesn’t anyone ever think how would that actually play out in real life. The last thing the OP needs is an escalation in hostilities. Right now isn’t the time to be trying to be trying to instantly sort out long term issues. Something needs to be done but I’d also be trying to calm things down first. Everyone’s tired, everyone’s stressed, we’ve had lockdown and we’ve lost the football.

OP, do you have any family members who could come and help for a few days? A parent or something?

Good luck.

100% get a cleaner and and stop their pocket money.

@Disneyforever1974 The clock cant be tirned back. What matters is what happens from now on.

For Op and any other parents living with violent and challenging behaviour, search 'The Send VCB Project on Facebook or Google, there is a public page and a private support group you can join. The support and advice is amazing and has really helped us turn things around at home and has been a safe and non judgemental space to talk.

Obvious for Op this is something for later when the immediate crisis is over.

@mbosnz

I reckon using the pocket money for a cleaner is a bloody good idea, particularly if that's his attitude.

So do I!

How dare they talk to you like that? How dare they treat you as less than a servant?

Autism can make it incredibly difficult to remember things especially if they are not part of your daily routine and it can be so frustrating when other people don't understand how much you are struggling. Obviously not everyone with autism will have the same difficulties but there are so many things that most people take for granted that become monumental tasks for those on the spectrum. It is also a huge adjustment which must be hugely scary for anyone including you of course. The violence is an issue but suggestions of kicking your 16 year old daughter out or putting her in a residential home with strangers are extremely drastic when there are other options to explore first (counselling, refreshing the anger management that she's already had, exploring other options to help her remember tasks etc.).

That said - there is no excuse for how she spoke to you and I would absolutely be stopping pocket money in order to pay for a cleaner/home help if needed. Someone does need to be making sure you have access to food because you can't just be left to starve that's ridiculous, and clearly your daughters do need to be given some chores but would it be possible for these to be small lists at first, slowly building up to more as it becomes routine? And of course this change must be hugely distressing for you as well are you receiving any counselling or external support yourself?

“What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up. “

Do that.

I am so sorry you have been diagnosed with this disability. It must be so very difficult for you.

@MindyStClaire OP absolutely does not owe her oldest an apology. Her oldest has been physically violent and wished death on her. Expecting OP to be perfect when she's facing a new, worse prognosis herself is utterly unreasonable. She needs time to grieve and process, and her family should support that - these aren't little kids.

[quote LatteLoverLovesLattes]@cricketmum84

I am so sorry to hear that it's going to be a permanent disability 💐

Scope online sounds like a good thing to check out!

Some of the comments & advice on your thread are terrible, I hope you're ok x

But there have also been some great ousts & I hope you can take what you need from them.

You're the only one on the thread that knows what your eldest Dd is capable of.

The defiance & panic stuff is well worth looking into though.

As for your DH though, it is NOT optional to not have time to make sure he's prepared you accessible food & drink for the day, that should be his priority in the mornings.

How are you getting washed & dressed?

Are you now in a wheelchair all day or can you move between the chair & other furniture etc?

(Aside from your girls helping you more) Have you stopped to think about what 'gadgets' would help you. There are a surprising number of things in Anazon & careco that make life that little bit easier and I found buying a few extra 'normal' things made life easier too (silly things like 3m charging cables that meant a) my phone was always on charge, at the end of the cable, and near me for emergencies (battery was already crap so I wasn't bothered about that) but not having to keep moving the charger around or having a flat battery made life easier. I bought a table on castors for £25 from Amazon that's been a god send, obviously your needs will be different to mine, but spending a relatively small amount of money has made things much easier.

If you need to stop pocket money to be able to afford these bits or a helper/cleaner then do so, pocket money is a privilege-not a right and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. 💁🏻‍♀️ (I'm shrugging my shoulders too, because that a new 'trick' this week.🙄)

I hope you can get some care too, as well as some help to come to terms with the news, it's a lot to come to terms with xx

Take care of yourself xx[/quote]
Thank you. I can dress of laying on the bed but he does need to bring my clothes to me. We have dipped into savings and bought a bath lift which has been a huge help as I was really struggling with the shower chaired especially as I had no privacy or dignity.

@EKGEMS I feel desperately sorry for the OP too and I totally get the way OP feels and I don’t necessarily disagree with her I just don’t think it’s that black & white if she had 2 NT children then my answers would be very different but she doesn’t so I have responded the way I have. The fuck off and die comment I think is a complete red herring because if the OP hadn’t made the comment that she did the the DD wouldn’t have said what she did and it is probably the fact that she is autistic which led her to make that comment in response to OP. If someone made OP’s comment to me regarding my disability I would think fuck off and die too, the difference is I’m NT so I know it shouldn’t be said out loud.