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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner selfish? Or am I?

132 replies

Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 09:22

Lately, I feel like everything we do is based around what my partner wants to do.

Most weekends revolve around seeing my partners friends and family. Who I like and enjoy seeing, but sometimes I just feel like my wants aren't considered and we automatically just do what my partner wants.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. Next day I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a lazy day after a busy week at work and socialising... unfortunately our boiler broke and partners friends kindly let us go to theirs to use their shower. I told partner how I needed to get on with some errands that day, but also wanted to chill as was feeling run down..I come out of the shower and partner and his friends are about to start a board game (a long game that goes on for a while!) We ended up being there until 4pm.... I just felt a bit annoyed that partner hadnt asked me if I wanted to stay, and then because everything was all set up I felt I couldnt really say anything as would be super awkward.

Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. Partner was appreciative of this and was saying thank you and being grateful...so I dont mind doing these things as long as I feel that it isnt taken for granted you know?

Then at about 10pm, partner on phone and said he has seen a camping holiday he wants us to go on. He shows me it, and the description involves doing lots of water sports, kayaking, paddle boarding, wild swimming etc... I can't swim and have a big fear of deep water, and I would not be able to do any of these activities!!! I said to him, that looks good but could we look for one that isn't so focused on water sports? His response was, well it probably wouldnt take that long if I went off and did those...

I just felt annoyed. Like you want to book a weekend away, but you are choosing something that I can't get involved with, so I'm just supposed to wait on my own whilst he goes off and does all his activities?

Then he was just like let's book it now before it gets booked up. I was like hang on, I havent had a chance to look at it properly yet or think about it. He was like what is there to think about? Come on it will be fun, you said you want to try new things etc...

I started to feel angry and said I feel like he gets his mind set on something he wants to do, but doesnt consider whether I want to do it or will enjoy it, and I feel it is a bit selfish to book something which involves things I can't do.

He got in a huff then and went silent and stroppy like "oh fine then, dont bother". I said I was tired and was going to bed and now he has been silent with me all morning so far.

Sometimes I just feel like his accessory he takes to things, it doesnt matter what I think or feel or I want. I feel like everything we do revolves around his wants and because I want him to be happy I just agree with things.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family. I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 12/07/2021 09:27

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family
Then stop doing it! Nobody is forcing you. Just don't do the cooking, cleaning, etc. Make your own plans.

Re the holiday - tell your DP to go on this one alone or with a friend if you don't fancy it. Have a different holiday together.

19lottie82 · 12/07/2021 09:30

Why are you cooking and cleaning whenever his friends and family come round? Leave them to it and chill out upstairs, watch a film, take a nap, read a book?

It seems a bit mean to tell him he can’t have them to visit, but should you be running about after them? No!

Lolapusht · 12/07/2021 09:30

Have a talk to him about it and stop doing everything for him. Don’t worry about making things awkward if you’re being included in something he wants to do…just leave. If he doesn’t listen to what you say then seriously consider off is a relationship you want to be in. It sounds like he basically does what he wants and you have to spit into place and do all the boring housewife stuff too. Is that what you want? You say you go along with things because you want to make him happy. Does he ever do the same for you? If not, is he likely to change? If sounds like you don’t have enough space in the relationship to be you and you’re squashing down who you are in order to keep him happy and when you say “Hang on…” he sulks like a child. Is that sobering you want to be with? Stop cooking and cleaning for his friends and family and don’t go on a holiday you’ll hate!

Teacupsandtoast · 12/07/2021 09:32

Just start making your own plans - 'oh that's nice your mums coming over, I have x on that day, but I'll be back for dinner if she's still here' 'oh gosh, sorry guys, I need to do y today, I can't start this board game as I'll get sucked in to the very end haha, you guys have fun though'. You're being a pushover - take a bit of control back!

GintyMcGinty · 12/07/2021 09:33

Why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing up?

What does he do?

You need to stop doing it all. No wonder you are tired.

He is a grown man. Expect him to behave like one and stop being his housekeeper.

FunMcCool · 12/07/2021 09:34

Does he cook and clean when your family come over?

dreamingbohemian · 12/07/2021 09:35

He sounds very selfish and personally I would not stay with someone like this. What's the point?

That said, I don't understand why you are just going along with everything either. He can't make you cook and clean and go out with him. So stop doing that for now until you decide what to do.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/07/2021 09:38

YANBU, you need to tell him if he wants his friends / family over then he needs to do all the hosting, cooking and cleaning.

He is taking you for a mug, OP.

Aprilx · 12/07/2021 09:38

I have had to put YABU, not because you ought to just slot in and do everything that your partner wants, but because you are actively choosing to do so and then complaining about it. You don’t have to clean and cook for his friends and family, you don’t have to go on the water sports holiday, it wouldn’t have been “super” awkward to say you needed to get home on Saturday morning. You are being a doormat.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 09:39

To be brutally honest, this sounds like an issue of your own making, like you aren’t sure of your own thoughts on things and making them clear. He’s definitely not sensitive to your needs, but you’re a total martyr.

Like worrying about being rude if you leave—just leave, nobody cares! The weekend he wants to go on—is just tell him book it for you and a friend, but not for me. Stop cooking for his friends every time they come around, unless you love running around feeling like Nigella Lawson WHY are you doing this?!

WhoDidAndWhy · 12/07/2021 09:39

Well you are not being unreasonable at all but only you can assert yourself and ensure your needs are being met. Now that you have very consciously acknowledged what he is like you should try to plan ahead and predict - tell him well ahead of time what your plans are and stick to them. Soon you’ll get tired of having to predict how he will dominate your time and energy and you will get rid of him (hopefully). He’s selfish.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2021 09:41

Sorry op, but being such a doormat is all on you. Why on earth are you tolerating this and what more do you need to realise he's a self-absorbed twat? Dump this loser.

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2021 09:42

Yabu because you’re not using your words and saying how you feel.

Sorry friends I have to do some jobs
No I don’t want to go there
Can you do the washing up

Things like that

Stompythedinosaur · 12/07/2021 09:51

He doesn't sound very nice!

Definitely stop playing the part of his maid/cook.

Suggest he does the camping with a mate if you don't fancy it.

NeedNewKnees · 12/07/2021 09:57

You’re making yourself the maid. Stop it. Assert yourself, make your own plans, don’t keep falling in with what he wants.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/07/2021 09:58

You come across as very passive. If you didn’t want to cook/clean up Friday don’t - presumably you offered. Saturday scenario - you come out of shower he’s playing game just say I’ve got errands to run I’ll take car do you want me to pick you up later. His mum coming over - get on with your day just say hello/chat a bit. No need to clean and cook. Holiday - no I don’t want to go on a water/camping trip.
He’s your partner - why are you acting as his housekeeper.
Do make sure you are financially protected if you are living together eg is house in joint names. CAB has advice re cohabitation v marriage.

zoemum2006 · 12/07/2021 09:58

You're a grown up woman: don't be a martyr. Come up with suggestions of what you want to do do. Tell him you can't swim and he'll need to go on holiday with someone else. Tell him to to do the shopping and the cooking.

JonahofArk · 12/07/2021 10:03

Stop being a martyr.

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 10:04

The reason I do the cleaning and cooking is because if I don't do it then it doesn't get done. I've left washing up and clothes washing before and it just piles and piles up. He is lazy and unmotivated.

I have told him so many times and pulling his weight with the housework and he says he will but he doesn't change.

The reason I feel such pressure to agree and go along with everything is because he nearly ended the relationship a few months ago, and one of the reasons was because we don't have hobbies in common and I don't socialise as much as he would like.

I feel a big pressure now to agree to everything and anything he suggests to keep him happy. I have been doing more of his hobbies with him (and actually enjoying them) and socialising more (which I do sometimes find tiring because I'm an introvert)

Last night was the first time I've tried to say no to something and I was scared to because I was worried he would be annoyed and it has just proved me right.

I just tried to speak to him this morning and he is being so horrible. Rolling his eyes at me, saying I'm annoying, saying it is up to me if I never want to do anything, telling me that I never said what I said last night and wanting to go away but to look for a different option with less watersports (I know for a fact that I did!!!!) Telling me he is sick of me, doesnt want to deal with me. He said he knew I'd throw it in his face and me cooking and cleaning for his friends and family this weekend. Telling me that I should have said xyz during the discussion last night.

What about what he could or should have said? He is so horrible to me sometimes

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 12/07/2021 10:04

@Crumpets123

You do know that 'sulking' and giving you the 'silent treatment' is obviously his 'go to' reaction to not getting his own way, don't you ?

This will get worse, not better, unless you tell him 'No, I don't want to do that*.

I totally agree with all the PP's who've said STOP doing all the bloody cooking/cleaning/hosting etc !!

The very fact that he's grateful, means he knows it's hard work ! And yet he still doesn't do his bloody share of the work FFS !

Say what you want, and if it's something he doesn't want to do, then you discuss a compromise. But he doesn't get to sulk or ignore you, ever !!

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 10:05

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 12/07/2021 10:06

It doesn't even sound like you've got kids together and for some reason, you're acting like a bloody housewife! From NINETEEN FIFTY FIVE!

Stop being a pushover OP.

Why didn't you just go home when the boardgame started? Also, WHY don't you say "Come on then, we've got all this washing up to do?" or tell him to do it because you've cooked??

Don't go on that awful holiday. Dump the arse!

FortunesFave · 12/07/2021 10:06

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(
If you have to 'get' someone to love you then they don't love you.

That's all.

supersop60 · 12/07/2021 10:07

YANBU for feeling this way, but YABU to carry on doing the cleaning etc.
Just don't do it.
Don't go on the holiday - let him book it if he wants to, for himself. What's he going to do - physically drag you out of the house? Book yourself something else that YOU really want to do.
Either he'll learn to compromise or he won't. Then you'll know what to do.
I am speaking from years of experience with a dominant personality partner. It took me a long while to say no, and things are much better now.

JaffaRaf · 12/07/2021 10:07

Sorry to be harsh OP, but stop being a mug for a man that clearly isn’t that in to you. He’s already tried to break up with you and told you he can’t be bothered with you. He’s an idiot. Let him go and fine someone that deserves you.

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