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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner selfish? Or am I?

132 replies

Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 09:22

Lately, I feel like everything we do is based around what my partner wants to do.

Most weekends revolve around seeing my partners friends and family. Who I like and enjoy seeing, but sometimes I just feel like my wants aren't considered and we automatically just do what my partner wants.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. Next day I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a lazy day after a busy week at work and socialising... unfortunately our boiler broke and partners friends kindly let us go to theirs to use their shower. I told partner how I needed to get on with some errands that day, but also wanted to chill as was feeling run down..I come out of the shower and partner and his friends are about to start a board game (a long game that goes on for a while!) We ended up being there until 4pm.... I just felt a bit annoyed that partner hadnt asked me if I wanted to stay, and then because everything was all set up I felt I couldnt really say anything as would be super awkward.

Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. Partner was appreciative of this and was saying thank you and being grateful...so I dont mind doing these things as long as I feel that it isnt taken for granted you know?

Then at about 10pm, partner on phone and said he has seen a camping holiday he wants us to go on. He shows me it, and the description involves doing lots of water sports, kayaking, paddle boarding, wild swimming etc... I can't swim and have a big fear of deep water, and I would not be able to do any of these activities!!! I said to him, that looks good but could we look for one that isn't so focused on water sports? His response was, well it probably wouldnt take that long if I went off and did those...

I just felt annoyed. Like you want to book a weekend away, but you are choosing something that I can't get involved with, so I'm just supposed to wait on my own whilst he goes off and does all his activities?

Then he was just like let's book it now before it gets booked up. I was like hang on, I havent had a chance to look at it properly yet or think about it. He was like what is there to think about? Come on it will be fun, you said you want to try new things etc...

I started to feel angry and said I feel like he gets his mind set on something he wants to do, but doesnt consider whether I want to do it or will enjoy it, and I feel it is a bit selfish to book something which involves things I can't do.

He got in a huff then and went silent and stroppy like "oh fine then, dont bother". I said I was tired and was going to bed and now he has been silent with me all morning so far.

Sometimes I just feel like his accessory he takes to things, it doesnt matter what I think or feel or I want. I feel like everything we do revolves around his wants and because I want him to be happy I just agree with things.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family. I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 10:34

YANBU, but you need to discuss this with your partner. Carve out quiet weekends or say to him that if you are hosting, you will not be doing everything again and he can pay for a takeaway or cook himself, and do the washing up.

As for the weekend away, he could do this with a friend instead. I'm happy to walk up easy paths on mountains with DH but that is my limit, it's challenging enough for me as I am scared of heights. If there is any climbing or scrambling, big edges, steep slopes, narrow ridges I would need rescuing. So he does climbing and mountaineering with friends instead. I go on yoga retreats with a friend or my SIL, DH would not be into gong baths or forest bathing. It's fine, you don't have to like all the same things and do everything together.

OrchestraOfWankery · 12/07/2021 10:35

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(
Oh FFS OP! he doesn't love YOU. The real YOU. He loves having a maid, cook and hostess with sex on tap.

No man is worth all this skivvying for. Where are you? Busy losing yourself to fannying about 'pleasing' this selfish twat.

Original poster
Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 10:35

We private rent. I have no family. I'm about an hour from friends.

I feel so sad. He is like two different people. When he is kind I do feel cherished and loved and valued, but when he turns, I feel worthless. I feel like I'm nothing and that my mere existence annoys him. I feel trapped and I don't know how to leave. I feel like ive lost a lot of my self worth and confidence because the way he treats me and speaks to me makes me feel like it is all my fault and I don't know what is true or not :(

OP posts:
HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 10:36

After reading your updates I would say your relationship has run its course. Relationships involve compromise but not changing your entire personality.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 10:37

How old are you OP? How long have you been together? Do you have children?

Honestly I think your relationship is coming to an end. You can either hold on and waste your life or you could decide this isn’t for you and find someone you’re more compatible with.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 10:39

@Crumpets123

We private rent. I have no family. I'm about an hour from friends.

I feel so sad. He is like two different people. When he is kind I do feel cherished and loved and valued, but when he turns, I feel worthless. I feel like I'm nothing and that my mere existence annoys him. I feel trapped and I don't know how to leave. I feel like ive lost a lot of my self worth and confidence because the way he treats me and speaks to me makes me feel like it is all my fault and I don't know what is true or not :(

I’m sorry but you really need to end it. What you’re describing is the frustration of two people who are just not getting on. He’s not treating you well or enjoying being with you, and it seems like you are desperately trying to stop him ending it again. We can call him awful names but the reality is that he knew it wasn’t working and tried to end it, you are forcing this purgatory situation where you’d both miserable
ForeverAintEnough3 · 12/07/2021 10:40

The reason I feel such pressure to agree and go along with everything is because he nearly ended the relationship a few months ago

End the relationship yourself @Crumpets123 it’s not working and he’s just dragging you down and damaging your self esteem and self worth. He treats you terribly. The being nice and kind sometimes doesn’t make up for that. You deserve better.

Can you move out back to family an hour away? Then end it with him.

InteriorDesignHell · 12/07/2021 10:41

Clearly this relationship isn't bringing out the best in either of you.
He is being lazy, selfish and thoughtless, you are being a doormat and suppressing your own real self.
It is absolutely okay to pack up your stuff, say that the two of you are not suited, and go find someone where you work well together. Yes, breaking up is a bit of a wrench, but long term - a couple of months - it will be a great relief.

pilingup · 12/07/2021 10:42

You just don't sound very well suited tbh, maybe it's time to call it a day?

bigbaggyeyes · 12/07/2021 10:46

Sounds like you've got lots going on

He's lazy.
He's selfish
He's using the relationship (you said you nearly split up) to get what he wants
He's sulking

Why do you have to go along with things he wants to ensure the health of the relationship, but he won't do his fair share of cooking and housework.

He sounds very selfish and unwilling to change

He's also using the silent treatment to punish you for having an opinion and not going along blindly with what he wants

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 10:47

Think about this: each relationship brings out certain aspects of a person.

This relationship:
He is: selfish, uncaring, cold, dismissive, unkind, impatient.
You are: needy, a martyr, lonely, desperate, unfulfilled.

BUT in a different relationship, dating other people:
He might be: gregarious, fun, caring, spontaneous.
You would be: loving, kind, fun, a real supportive partner.

Part of what we should value in a relationship is the kind of person it makes us. This relationship is making you both into the worst versions of yourself.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/07/2021 10:49

Sounds like he's blackmailing you into agreeing to everything he wants and being his servant around the house, what an utter prick. You shouldn't live like that OP, he can't actually love you if he treats you this way

hilariousnamehere · 12/07/2021 10:51

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(
I never post on these threads but dear god OP, you don't have to "get him to love you" by being passive and agreeable! You bin the selfish twat and go and live a glorious life without his sulks!

I know it's easy for us to say but honestly, this isn't going to get better. Flowers for you.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 10:53

@AryaStarkWolf

Sounds like he's blackmailing you into agreeing to everything he wants and being his servant around the house, what an utter prick. You shouldn't live like that OP, he can't actually love you if he treats you this way
Sounds like she’s blackmailing him into now leaving by martyring herself.

This is clealry a two way street. It doesn’t sound like either of them are getting their needs met, I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s him at fault. The relationship is just doomed

hilariousnamehere · 12/07/2021 10:53

Sorry, posted too soon. Can you make some plans to perhaps move a bit closer towards friends? He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to have to live your life like this for the sake of having a man in it.

RaginaFalangi · 12/07/2021 10:53

Get rid, you deserve better than that waste of space.

Roomonb · 12/07/2021 10:58

Honestly it shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t feel the need to work so hard to gain his approval. 💐 leave it, this is no good for you it’s making you unhappy.

Constellationstation · 12/07/2021 11:00

You’re not meant for each other OP. You could be with someone who loves you for who you are. You don’t have to be with him. Take the first step and leave him and then the path to your new life will open itself up and present all sorts of exciting new opportunities for you.

RhymesWithOrange · 12/07/2021 11:03

Why are you begging for relationship scraps at the table of a lazy grumpy manchild? You don't have children with him, he doesn't respect you and you don't have anything in common.

TempName01 · 12/07/2021 11:03

He is never going to change, please leave him and move near your friends! Do you have children with this man?

Twinkie01 · 12/07/2021 11:04

So your relationship is all fine and dandy if you're doing whatever he wants but if you dare to push back and ask to be considered you're in the wrong and get the silent treatment.

See how wrong this is, he is eroding your self worth by making your wants and needs less important than his. You have a right to be heard and your wants and feelings considered in a good mutually respectful relationship.

At the moment he puts everyone above you, his friends who you have to cook for and wait on and himself, wanting to do things which you don't want to do. He's not pushing you to go on a water sports holiday because he feels you'll enjoy it if you just give it a go, he is trying to get you to go along with what he wants.

He's a selfish arsehole. He knows you're a pushover and the odd show of gratitude plays up to your people pleasing nature.

Does he have any redeeming qualities at all.

Rapskallion · 12/07/2021 11:05

This reads like you have a partner who spends his time seeing the people he wants to see and doing the things he wants to do while you play the supporting role of chef and cleaner.

Is that what you want from life? If not, you have to speak up, say what you do want and leave if you don’t get it. Unfortunately, there’s no other way.

Rapskallion · 12/07/2021 11:05

And don’t have kids with him!

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 12/07/2021 11:07

You have only the one life lovely, don't spend it with this twat.

thesugarbumfairy · 12/07/2021 11:07

Your aren't trapped OP. You are free as a bird. You rent. You have no children. You have literally NO OBLIGATION TO STAY.

Neither of you are getting what you want from this relationship. You just aren't compatible. He's a stroppy man-child who just wants his own way. You are behaving like his servant because you want his approval and love.