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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner selfish? Or am I?

132 replies

Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 09:22

Lately, I feel like everything we do is based around what my partner wants to do.

Most weekends revolve around seeing my partners friends and family. Who I like and enjoy seeing, but sometimes I just feel like my wants aren't considered and we automatically just do what my partner wants.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. Next day I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a lazy day after a busy week at work and socialising... unfortunately our boiler broke and partners friends kindly let us go to theirs to use their shower. I told partner how I needed to get on with some errands that day, but also wanted to chill as was feeling run down..I come out of the shower and partner and his friends are about to start a board game (a long game that goes on for a while!) We ended up being there until 4pm.... I just felt a bit annoyed that partner hadnt asked me if I wanted to stay, and then because everything was all set up I felt I couldnt really say anything as would be super awkward.

Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. Partner was appreciative of this and was saying thank you and being grateful...so I dont mind doing these things as long as I feel that it isnt taken for granted you know?

Then at about 10pm, partner on phone and said he has seen a camping holiday he wants us to go on. He shows me it, and the description involves doing lots of water sports, kayaking, paddle boarding, wild swimming etc... I can't swim and have a big fear of deep water, and I would not be able to do any of these activities!!! I said to him, that looks good but could we look for one that isn't so focused on water sports? His response was, well it probably wouldnt take that long if I went off and did those...

I just felt annoyed. Like you want to book a weekend away, but you are choosing something that I can't get involved with, so I'm just supposed to wait on my own whilst he goes off and does all his activities?

Then he was just like let's book it now before it gets booked up. I was like hang on, I havent had a chance to look at it properly yet or think about it. He was like what is there to think about? Come on it will be fun, you said you want to try new things etc...

I started to feel angry and said I feel like he gets his mind set on something he wants to do, but doesnt consider whether I want to do it or will enjoy it, and I feel it is a bit selfish to book something which involves things I can't do.

He got in a huff then and went silent and stroppy like "oh fine then, dont bother". I said I was tired and was going to bed and now he has been silent with me all morning so far.

Sometimes I just feel like his accessory he takes to things, it doesnt matter what I think or feel or I want. I feel like everything we do revolves around his wants and because I want him to be happy I just agree with things.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family. I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/07/2021 10:08

I couldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t pull their weight. Forget the rest, he’s a waste of time.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/07/2021 10:08

You are acting like a doormat and he is wiping his feet all over you...because you are letting him!

He sounds like an abusive prick, not a partner

PiggyMelon · 12/07/2021 10:10

Do you live together op? Whose house is it?

dreamingbohemian · 12/07/2021 10:12

OP if you have to be completely subservient to convince someone to stay with you, then you are not in a healthy relationship. He sounds emotionally abusive.

You really cannot stay with someone like this! You deserve so much better. I hope you will seriously think about leaving him.

Youdiditanyway · 12/07/2021 10:12

You’re choosing to go along with all of this. I wouldn’t be cooking and cleaning up after his family every weekend at all. They can come once a month maybe at best but the other weekends are for you to do whatever you wish. Even when they do come over, he can help out! You need to work on your assertiveness and learn when to say no.

blubberyboo · 12/07/2021 10:13

I think you are both unreasonable.
It sounds as though you don’t really tell him what you DO like to do and because you always just go along with his plans he thinks you are happy with it.

He obviously thinks you want to try new things so he is picking things he can think of that he will enjoy.
Go and get some brochures of something you want to do for a holiday and then try and work in some of these activities that he likes

It’s called compromise.

Don’t clean and cook all the time. Make arrangements to go out with friends or to a hobby and ask him to cook for you while you are away

Trumpkin · 12/07/2021 10:14

He doesn’t cook, clean, wash up or do the laundry. He ignores your needs and wants. He’s already threatened to break up with you and gives you eye-rolls and gets in a huff when you assert yourself. Be honest with yourself, does he actually value you and make you feel good as a person or are you just convenient to him?

Find someone who likes you for being you, not someone who wants you to fit in win him all the time. You can do better.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 12/07/2021 10:14

You are not happy in this relationship, so why are you pursuing it?

You can be single you know.

Imagine how lovely it would be to live by yourself, not having to cook and clean up after anyone else, only socialising when you want to.

To be honest, I think he was right, you should split up, you're just not suited to each other and you'll both probably be happier alone/with other people.

blubberyboo · 12/07/2021 10:18

Sorry just read your last posts. No you can’t make someone love you by being agreeable all the time. You wouldn’t be your real self so it wouldn’t really be you that he loves anyway but a fake version of yourself.
Sounds like he only loves himself.
You shouldn’t stand for him speaking to you like this

shivawn · 12/07/2021 10:21

You haven't mentioned anything about your own friends and family OP? Are you upset that ye're not seeing them as much at the weekends or is it that you would rather be doing nothing at the weekends? You should just make plans in advance to see them and have them in the calendar.

I definitely would've excused myself from that board game with something like "Oh that's looks like so much fun but I'm actually wrecked so I think I'm just gonna go home and chill out on the couch for the day, give me a call later if you want a spin home".

HideousKinky · 12/07/2021 10:22

Start making your own plans and be more assertive - for example regarding the board game, you should have said "You two go ahead and play - I have some other things to do" and left

beautifullymad · 12/07/2021 10:22

So many read flags here. You are setting yourself up for a long term unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated relationship that will probably end in divorce and mess up lives of your future children.

The compromise is all on your part to convince him not to break up with you.

Please please get out now why you can. Or, accept that he really needs to prove to you that he can start to consider you, cherish you and that if he or you decide you are not the one the you will happily accept it. You are doing the 'pick me' routine.

My gut feeling is he wants a life partner who can meet his needs without compromise. You are not this partner. Trying to be will make you both very upset in the longer term.

Lots of women will low self esteem do exactly what you are doing. Find ways to build yourself up. You are worth it.

There are people out there who will fit, people who don't need to change to be a good fit and they will respect you, cherish you, meet your needs and you, them.

I think the word I'm looking at is cherish. Does he cherish you? Really?

If not please walk away.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 10:23

YANBU but I think you’ve explained yourself really well and you should say the same things to him.
He does seem selfish but you also seem quite passive so you may have both accidentally fallen into this situation rather than he purposely doesn’t care about your needs.

I’d have a conversation with him about it and then start putting your foot down more. Eg the holiday say you don’t want to do that and look for somewhere where he can do water sports but you can do your own thing too.

MadeForThis · 12/07/2021 10:23

End it. He is awful. You deserve better.

You deserve a real relationship. Not just to trail around after someone who doesn't appreciate you.

TomNooksToenail · 12/07/2021 10:24

Why are you so keen to hang onto this relationship OP? You don't need to stay with him if you don't get anything out of it. It is better to be on your own rather than always compromising yourself. He doesn't sound like he will change.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:24

He needs a "talk" about this. I totally get it, YANBU.

TooYoungToNotice · 12/07/2021 10:25

OP I'm sure I am an absolute nightmare in many many ways (hopefully I have a few minor good points too). I'm also not a natural extrovert.

My DH loves me despite my many flaws because they are part of me.

Love that has to be earned isn't love. It isnt worth having.

Honestly get away from him and then work on your self esteem because no one deserves to be treated like this. You don't deserve to be treated like this, you are clearly a giving person and willing to work at a relationship, look at all you are doing and how little you are getting back. The very least you deserve is someone who will do the same.

Set yourself free, life doesn't have to revolve around the upset caused by disappointing men.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 10:26

The reason I feel such pressure to agree and go along with everything is because he nearly ended the relationship a few months ago, and one of the reasons was because we don't have hobbies in common and I don't socialise as much as he would like.

I missed your updates when I posted.
Do you think you’re compatible?
If you have to change your personality to try and fit in with him then maybe he’s just not well suited for you.

Wrotten · 12/07/2021 10:27

Breaking up would be a good thing for you. Honestly.

Raspberryswirls · 12/07/2021 10:29

Where does it end? Desperately trying to please him so he doesn’t leave you? He can make you do anything he wants. I bet you end up agreeing to the water sports holiday. You only get one life, live it with someone who loves and cherishes you and treats you as an equal.This will never get better. Finish with him and give him a surprise.

LuaDipa · 12/07/2021 10:30

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(
My dh and I have nothing in common. No shared hobbies etc but it doesn’t matter. I would never try to drag dh along on a spa break or running holiday because I know he would hate it. I do those things with my friends.

If you feel like you have to change to be with him, and feel unable to speak your mind then he isn’t the one for you.

PerveenMistry · 12/07/2021 10:30

God, you should re-read your posts OP. Why are you desperate to please a lazy selfish jerk??

Just10moreminutesplease · 12/07/2021 10:33

Why are you acting like his maid? Stop doing everything for him and make plans of your own.

You deserve so much better Flowers.

Dsisproblem · 12/07/2021 10:33

After reading all your updates, LTB. Honestly, this isn't meant to be. Foe one, he's an arse. Two, you like doing different things, you don't have to change who you are for him. Find someone better suited. It shouldn't be such hard work.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 10:34

I’ve just read your updates—your relationship has clearly more than run its course. Time to put on the big girl pants and end it. You’re just fundamentally not compatible, you’re not making each other happy and there is no happy ending for this.

You’re an introvert, there is nothing wrong with that but he is clealry the opposite. You’re getting frustrated trying to keep to his pace and he’s not enjoying it either. He needs someone who pushes back at him and has high levels of energy and spontaneity. You need someone caring who values you, who pulls their weight and is kind. He needs someone to go white water rafting with, you need someone to cuddle at the weekend.

You seem to have decided that if you can just avoid ever having a fight he won’t be able to leave you. That’s not how it works. He’s losing respect for you, you’re hurting yourself and hurting your own self esteem. And he’s going to end it again soon, which is a good thing because you’re not compatible