Is my partner selfish? Or am I?

[Crumpets123]

Lately, I feel like everything we do is based around what my partner wants to do.

Most weekends revolve around seeing my partners friends and family. Who I like and enjoy seeing, but sometimes I just feel like my wants aren't considered and we automatically just do what my partner wants.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. Next day I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a lazy day after a busy week at work and socialising... unfortunately our boiler broke and partners friends kindly let us go to theirs to use their shower. I told partner how I needed to get on with some errands that day, but also wanted to chill as was feeling run down..I come out of the shower and partner and his friends are about to start a board game (a long game that goes on for a while!) We ended up being there until 4pm.... I just felt a bit annoyed that partner hadnt asked me if I wanted to stay, and then because everything was all set up I felt I couldnt really say anything as would be super awkward.

Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. Partner was appreciative of this and was saying thank you and being grateful...so I dont mind doing these things as long as I feel that it isnt taken for granted you know?

Then at about 10pm, partner on phone and said he has seen a camping holiday he wants us to go on. He shows me it, and the description involves doing lots of water sports, kayaking, paddle boarding, wild swimming etc... I can't swim and have a big fear of deep water, and I would not be able to do any of these activities!!! I said to him, that looks good but could we look for one that isn't so focused on water sports? His response was, well it probably wouldnt take that long if I went off and did those...

I just felt annoyed. Like you want to book a weekend away, but you are choosing something that I can't get involved with, so I'm just supposed to wait on my own whilst he goes off and does all his activities?

Then he was just like let's book it now before it gets booked up. I was like hang on, I havent had a chance to look at it properly yet or think about it. He was like what is there to think about? Come on it will be fun, you said you want to try new things etc...

I started to feel angry and said I feel like he gets his mind set on something he wants to do, but doesnt consider whether I want to do it or will enjoy it, and I feel it is a bit selfish to book something which involves things I can't do.

He got in a huff then and went silent and stroppy like "oh fine then, dont bother". I said I was tired and was going to bed and now he has been silent with me all morning so far.

Sometimes I just feel like his accessory he takes to things, it doesnt matter what I think or feel or I want. I feel like everything we do revolves around his wants and because I want him to be happy I just agree with things.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family. I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

AIBU?

This relationship isn’t working op. I don’t think you have children from what you say. Cut your losses and move out. I bet you feel better in 6 months time without him around. Don’t jump into another relationship. Do things you enjoy. Make new friends. Good luck.

He's using you, you have nothing in common, he behaves like a toddler. Why aren't you noping out of there? Some douchebag is not better than no douchebag at all.

You are not trapped! Set aside the emotional aspects for now and think about the logistics.

You have a job -- could you financially afford to rent a room or a small flat back where your friends are?

You don't say how old you are or how long you've been together but please believe all of us that it is far far better to be single and free than stuck in a horrible relationship. You may be sad at first but it will go away, honestly.

It sounds like you have some compatibility issues, and a bit like you make a rod for your own back. It sounds likely that you are feeling resentful for things that you do without complaint. You need to communicate with him in advance/at the time if something is getting to you. If you don’t want to cook and clean for his friends tell him he will have to pay for a takeaway for them. If you had things to do at home you could have said I’m really sorry but I have to get some stuff done in the house but you stay and play the game and thanks so much for the shower. For the activities, he seems to really want to try it and shouldn’t not be able to just because you don’t want to, you could suggest he goes on his own and you both go to another camp site with archery or climbing activities later. You’re not unreasonable to feel the way you feel but it does sound like you have bottled it up and then let loose which isn’t really fair on him. Don’t try and become someone he loves, it’s a recipe for misery- just set your own boundaries and if it doesn’t work out - then it was never going to.

I've only read your posts so apologies if this is repetitive but honestly OP, what is in this for you? You appear to be so desperate to stay in this relationship, that the threat of him leaving you is enough for you to fold and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants you to do it. But it's clearly not a relationship that makes you happy so I think you need to consider why you are so desperate to keep it. And then realise that if it isn't working for you, you should move on.

@Crumpets123

The reason I do the cleaning and cooking is because if I don't do it then it doesn't get done. I've left washing up and clothes washing before and it just piles and piles up. He is lazy and unmotivated.

I have told him so many times and pulling his weight with the housework and he says he will but he doesn't change.

The reason I feel such pressure to agree and go along with everything is because he nearly ended the relationship a few months ago, and one of the reasons was because we don't have hobbies in common and I don't socialise as much as he would like.

I feel a big pressure now to agree to everything and anything he suggests to keep him happy. I have been doing more of his hobbies with him (and actually enjoying them) and socialising more (which I do sometimes find tiring because I'm an introvert)

Last night was the first time I've tried to say no to something and I was scared to because I was worried he would be annoyed and it has just proved me right.

I just tried to speak to him this morning and he is being so horrible. Rolling his eyes at me, saying I'm annoying, saying it is up to me if I never want to do anything, telling me that I never said what I said last night and wanting to go away but to look for a different option with less watersports (I know for a fact that I did!!!!) Telling me he is sick of me, doesnt want to deal with me. He said he knew I'd throw it in his face and me cooking and cleaning for his friends and family this weekend. Telling me that I should have said xyz during the discussion last night.

What about what he could or should have said? He is so horrible to me sometimes

Read that again and think about the advice you’d give to a friend in the same situation.

Do you really want to marry this man, have children with him and put up with this for the rest of your life?

Chuck him back in the sea and find a nice one who is glad to be with you.

Where did you live (who with) before? You pack up your things and you go. You want a bf.. He wants staff...

Leave. You can't get someone to love and respect you by being their maid.

Gather your stuff, find a bedsit or flat to rent for a while as you sort your plans out and leave. This is no life. He doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

Expected to do all the cooking and cleaning would leave me furious, and that's apart from all the other stuff.

We don't socalise nearly as much as we used to a decade or so ago, but when we did my husband would do the last minute cleaning with me or do it himself while I was doing something else. It's the weekend and chores are to be shared. Saying he wouldn't do it is irrelevant. He doesn't need to do it because he knows you will.

You are not suited as partners, neither are you making each other happy. Time to consider calling it a day if you are not married and it doesn't sound like you have children.

I asked if we could talk. He said he was sorry for getting annoyed and stroppy last night.. I asked him why he reacted like that - he said he didn't know?

I said that it worries me how quick he gets to anger with me and how he speaks to me. I said that I feel I have been passive because I want to please him, and that I need to be more assertive. I said that I shouldn't do things and then feel resentful or hold it against him so I apologised for that. I said that I do like to cook for his friends and family, but sometimes I feel that things are unequal between us and I do get resentful of that.

I said I just want to feel considered, so if for example booking a weekend away - it is something that we both want to do, not something where I feel I am being "told" that is what we are doing/where we are going.

I asked him if he would speak to his friends the way he speaks to me, he said "probably if they annoyed me the way you do"... :/ he said he doesn't see what is wrong in how he speaks with me. I told him that he can be hurtful and nasty when he is angry. I said I do want to do things with him, I just want to be able to express an opinion and not feel scared if I say no that he will get annoyed.

He said sorry to me and asked if we could make up.

To be honest, I feel like we are incompatible, he doesn't want to work on his communication and I know that he does blame me for everything. I feel so miserable and defeated sometimes.

But when things are good we click so well and are so loved up. We are both just not good at communicating :(

He is going away on holiday with friends in 2 weeks and I think the week to myself will be good for me to think about everything

Hi OP - what you are describing is classic codependency, its very unhealthy and your really need to end this relationship and focus on yourself for a while. I recommend Pia Melody, Facing Codependency as a good place to start thinking about this.

OP,

You sound like a really lovely woman who is utterly throwing her life away behaving like a skivvy for a nasty, selfish pig.

Is this really all you want from your ONE life.

Do NOT have children with him.

He is a nasty bully.

You are bullied by him.

Please reach out to friends for support.

This is NEVER going to be a good relationship.

You are going to have a long, lonely life where he just becomes nastier and more dismissive of you.

Look at your options please and get away from him.

He is NOT a good man.

Please get away from him.

It takes bravery but the alternative is misery for you.

He's an abusive arse. Of course he's lovely sometimes - that's just so you will put up with the abuse the rest of the time.

I think in your week on your own you may want to make some plans for the future on where you will go. This relationship is not going to last, and if children ever come into the mix I doubt he would change, and how would you feel about him doing the same to them?

Don't waste time with a relationship that's goes no where like I did. I am so much happier now and have a lovely house and family.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. It is sad because it scares me that so many of you think I should end it - I have been having these thoughts for a while and just too scared to go through with it. I guess all the hassle of moving and everything feels so overwhelming, even though I know in the long run it would be okay.

I think I have become very dependent on him as well due to my lack of family and friends being close by which makes it harder for me to walk away. I am scared of living on my own again as I have got to used to spending my evenings with someone watching TV and eating together. The thought of living on my own does feel very lonely - which is why I am intrigued to see how I will feel when he goes on holiday for a week - will I miss him or will I be fine?

He makes me feel that everything is my fault, so in some way it is reassuring to read these comments that it isn't all my fault... but also the consensus is for me to leave which I know is a big and stressful decision.

I know if we weren't living together we would have probably broken up by now.

Why can't he be the nice side of him the majority of the time :(

Why can't he be the nice side of him the majority of the time

Because he’s a nasty person inside and the being nice is the cover-up. He’s telling you that he’s horrible and he’s seeing how much you’ll put up with. It is only going to get worse.

Yes, breaking up is hard, and the first days and weeks will be awful, but after a few months you’d be in a better place and after a few years you’ll look back and wonder why you put up with him for so long.

Try to get some temporary accommodation sorted in the next 2 weeks and move out while he is on holiday. No need to tell him until he’s back and you’re gone. And don’t fall for “but I’ll change” routine.

Oh, OP.

I am scared of living on my own again as I have got to used to spending my evenings with someone watching TV and eating together. The thought of living on my own does feel very lonely

How can living on your own be anything apart from better than walking on eggshells and twisting yourself into knots for this idiot of a man who doesn't even care enough to listen to you when you say you're unhappy and fed up?

How can having someone to watch TV and eat dinner with make up for that person making you feel like their behaviour is your fault?

I understand leaving and moving etc is stressful but I more than suspect you'll find you feel so much freer and happier when he isn't there that making those plans will become easier.

Crumpets your posts have made me feel so sad for you.
He is not nice
You are not suited
You will be better apart.
This is drifting into (if not already) coercive control from him.
Do you have any nice colleagues who may be able to help you get away somehow?
I worry that if you do manage to get away, he will lure you back somehow with the old false promises to change, then things will revert to usual.

I feel a big pressure now to agree to everything and anything he suggests to keep him happy. I have been doing more of his hobbies with him (and actually enjoying them) and socialising more (which I do sometimes find tiring because I'm an introvert)
Last night was the first time I've tried to say no to something and I was scared to because I was worried he would be annoyed and it has just proved me right.
This is emotional blackmail, whether intended or not. You can have a successful relationship with completely different interests, you can have a disastrous relationship with shared interests, it's about how much effort you both out in and how much you value each other. It sounds as though there is an imbalance in your relationship. He might say thank you and appreciate it sometimes but it sound more like you are providing him with services rather than being an equal partner. Learn to stand up for yourself, yes, and learn to speak up for yourself without fear of consequence. If you can't do that then perhaps this isn't the relationship for you.

He's selfish. And lazy. And only nice to you when it suits him.
Fuck that.
Get out of there OP.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards

Please, never behave like this again. You can claim you don’t mind as much as you like, but the point is, you are letting a man treat you as a skivvy. I promise you, they will NEVER respect you for it.

OP,

Change is scary but the overwhelming posts of women who left nasty, abusive men like him is absolute relief and joy, even though it was hard in the beginning.

He is not a good man.

Help yourself to have a better future.

Just because you live with him is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Please don't bring children into a home with a pig like that.

No child deserves him as a father.

Use his week away wisely.

Check out moving back.
See if friends know of a room anywhere, just to start that could be helpful.

Look at your job, money situation.

You can do this.

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(

Oh god!

Dump him!

If he doesn't love you for you then he won't love you. You can't win him over.

He's doing well, full time housekeeper, cook, washerwoman and sex!

What do you get?