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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my partner selfish? Or am I?

132 replies

Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 09:22

Lately, I feel like everything we do is based around what my partner wants to do.

Most weekends revolve around seeing my partners friends and family. Who I like and enjoy seeing, but sometimes I just feel like my wants aren't considered and we automatically just do what my partner wants.

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. Next day I felt exhausted and was really looking forward to a lazy day after a busy week at work and socialising... unfortunately our boiler broke and partners friends kindly let us go to theirs to use their shower. I told partner how I needed to get on with some errands that day, but also wanted to chill as was feeling run down..I come out of the shower and partner and his friends are about to start a board game (a long game that goes on for a while!) We ended up being there until 4pm.... I just felt a bit annoyed that partner hadnt asked me if I wanted to stay, and then because everything was all set up I felt I couldnt really say anything as would be super awkward.

Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. Partner was appreciative of this and was saying thank you and being grateful...so I dont mind doing these things as long as I feel that it isnt taken for granted you know?

Then at about 10pm, partner on phone and said he has seen a camping holiday he wants us to go on. He shows me it, and the description involves doing lots of water sports, kayaking, paddle boarding, wild swimming etc... I can't swim and have a big fear of deep water, and I would not be able to do any of these activities!!! I said to him, that looks good but could we look for one that isn't so focused on water sports? His response was, well it probably wouldnt take that long if I went off and did those...

I just felt annoyed. Like you want to book a weekend away, but you are choosing something that I can't get involved with, so I'm just supposed to wait on my own whilst he goes off and does all his activities?

Then he was just like let's book it now before it gets booked up. I was like hang on, I havent had a chance to look at it properly yet or think about it. He was like what is there to think about? Come on it will be fun, you said you want to try new things etc...

I started to feel angry and said I feel like he gets his mind set on something he wants to do, but doesnt consider whether I want to do it or will enjoy it, and I feel it is a bit selfish to book something which involves things I can't do.

He got in a huff then and went silent and stroppy like "oh fine then, dont bother". I said I was tired and was going to bed and now he has been silent with me all morning so far.

Sometimes I just feel like his accessory he takes to things, it doesnt matter what I think or feel or I want. I feel like everything we do revolves around his wants and because I want him to be happy I just agree with things.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family. I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 12/07/2021 13:42

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

OP posts:

hilariousnamehere · 12/07/2021 13:45

@Crumpets123

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

I don't know the answer to this but I do know that you deserve better than someone who is doing it, regardless of whether he knows he is or not :(

skodadoda · 12/07/2021 13:45

The sulking and silent treatment when you challenged him tells you all you need to know. Red flag.

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/07/2021 13:51

Friday night partners friends came round for dinner. I did all the cooking and all the washing up afterwards. ... Next day partners mum was coming over...I did the cleaning of the house, went food shopping, made us all lunch and did the washing up afterwards. ...
I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family.

Well, just stop. You're the only one who can do that.

'Oh, you've asked your mum round? Lovely. What are you making for dinner? I'm going out now, be back for dinner.'

I want him to care about what my needs and wishes are and to want to book a holiday we both enjoy and choose together, not one he finds himself and tells me we are going on.

Well, only he can change that, but unfortunately he sounds like a selfish, thoughtless bellend who always puts himself first and just doesn't care that much about you.

I'd LTB.

Bananapuppy · 12/07/2021 13:51

This is how abusive relationships creep in. The lines blur, the behaviour gets worse, and worse. But it’s so nice when they’re in a good mood, and your confidence dips, and you get more confused, and it gets worse again.

Been there.

He won’t ever be ‘the good guy’ that you are aspiring for him to be, because that isn’t really who he is. Your self esteem will disappear tiny bit by tiny bit and you will put up with more and more unacceptable behaviour. He is conditioning you to feel that it’s your fault and that you need to perform and conform to his demands to earn his affections.

Please, please leave. You deserve so much better.

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/07/2021 13:52

I've just read your second post. I'd dump him now. You deserve so much better! Stop doing the 'pick me' dance. Have some respect!! He's horrible.

JSL52 · 12/07/2021 13:56

When he's away for the week , you'll realise it's so much easier on your own without constantly worrying.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 13:59

@Crumpets123

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

Hi!

The answer is: you don't even try. Because it actually doesn't matter.

It's all about whether your needs are being met (they're not). And then whether they can be met (they won't). And beyond that, it doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter WHY your relationship isn't working, all that matters is that it isn't and you have all the tools to be happy. The only person standing between you and happiness is you, not him. You need to consider your happiness as crucial. The fact you are trying to analyse his motivations show that you're not putting yourself first, you are still trying to understand him and to compromise more with him.

He's not interested in doing the work, he has made this abundantly clear. He already has a foot out of the relationship, he's only still here because your fear of being alone is making you grab him around the ankle. You're both choosing to be miserable and avoiding pulling of the plaster, even though you'd be 100 times happier in just a few months.

Waspie · 12/07/2021 14:03

"How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?"

Why does it matter? Either way he is abusing you. In a ways it's even worse if he doesn't realise he's doing it!

You need to think about what you are getting from this relationship. I can see that he is getting a live in maid but I can't see what this relationship is bringing to your life except drudgery and emotional blackmail.

Lolapusht · 12/07/2021 14:10

@Crumpets123

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

It doesn’t matter.

How he behaves makes you feel inadequate, like a failure, small, unhappy. Why he does it won’t make you feel better. He won’t stop being horrible unless he sees it as a problem, which he dosen’t (he said he’d speak to his friends the same way he talks to you if they irritated him as much as you do?! That’s unbelievably hurtful and downright bloody rude thing to say! He doesn’t need to be in a relationship with you. If you’re so awful why is he still with you? He’s free to leave whenever he wants).

You are allowed to end a relationship because it doesn’t make you happy.

You are allowed to do what you need to in order to be happy.

Ditch your BF and keep the hobbies!

Loudestcat14 · 12/07/2021 14:15

@Crumpets123

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. It is sad because it scares me that so many of you think I should end it - I have been having these thoughts for a while and just too scared to go through with it. I guess all the hassle of moving and everything feels so overwhelming, even though I know in the long run it would be okay.

I think I have become very dependent on him as well due to my lack of family and friends being close by which makes it harder for me to walk away. I am scared of living on my own again as I have got to used to spending my evenings with someone watching TV and eating together. The thought of living on my own does feel very lonely - which is why I am intrigued to see how I will feel when he goes on holiday for a week - will I miss him or will I be fine?

He makes me feel that everything is my fault, so in some way it is reassuring to read these comments that it isn't all my fault... but also the consensus is for me to leave which I know is a big and stressful decision.

I know if we weren't living together we would have probably broken up by now.

Why can't he be the nice side of him the majority of the time :(

Adding my voice to the chorus of posters telling you to end it. He's showing you who he is – and that's someone who is vile to you for the majority of the time. It's not love, it's bullying. He's got you so cowed that you'll put up with his shit and he knows it and he's revelling in the power he has over you.

What happens if you have children together? Will you let him talk to them like he does to you? What happens if they annoy him making noise or not doing as he says? Or will you raise them to walk on eggshells around him and cater to his every whim so as not to rock the boat?

Staying with someone who treats you so appallingly because it's a hassle to move must surely tell you how much he's eroded your self-esteem?

Disneyforever1974 · 12/07/2021 14:24

@Crumpets123 he will never take your wants and needs into consideration because you don’t, if you let someone walk all over you they will always do it unless you stand up for yourself. Unfortunately I think you should call time on the relationship because he will never love you (if he does at all) the way you need him to. You shouldn’t have to change to keep a relationship going he should love you for you.

Ellie56 · 12/07/2021 14:24

He is a complete selfish knob. He won't change so dump him. You deserve better.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 12/07/2021 14:31

Seriously OP you deserve better than this. Your DP wants everything his way, you run round after him and he sulks if you disagree.

I think you need to learn to love yourself and find a decent person who will love you in return. Everyone has stresses in relationships but they should not be this unbalanced.

Auntycorruption · 12/07/2021 14:36

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. He's treating badly and you are treating yourself badly.

Why didn't you let him end it? How did you talk him round? This is his biggest crime here, he should have stuck to his guns.

Why do you want to be with him? I don't actually think you do. I think you want to be with "someone" and are scared of being alone. Seek some help with this from friends, family or a professional before getting into ANY other relationship.

Auntycorruption · 12/07/2021 14:37

@Crumpets123

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

Completely irrelevant.

Playing along - someone who found themselves behaving in a way they truely "didn't mean it" would be horrified when it was pointed out and immediately make amends.

He is not one of those people.

Auntycorruption · 12/07/2021 14:38

I feel I should add that by "make amends" I mean truely apologise and change their behaviour and never repeat such behaviour again. A half hearted "I'll try better" doesn't count.

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2021 14:39

Why does it matter whether it’s intentional or not when he’s making you feel shit? Leave him

IceLace100 · 12/07/2021 14:46

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(

Poor you OP this sounds awful!

Sounds to me like he using the threat of breaking up to essentially force you to do social activities you don't want to do.

It sounds like the relationship isn't working for you. I think tbh you need to split up.

lazylinguist · 12/07/2021 14:47

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

Oh for goodness' sake OP. He is not 'someone who doesn't communicate well'. He's a selfish, mean arsehole who is only nice sometimes because he feels like it or to get what he wants. He manages to communicate his contempt and annoyance with you perfectly well, doesn't he? This is not a communication problem, it's a 'He's not a nice person and he doesn't give a shit about you' problem. I'm sorry. You need to dump his sorry arse asap.

godmum56 · 12/07/2021 14:50

@Crumpets123

How do you tell the difference between someone who is abusive and someone who doesn't communicate well?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is intentionally abusing you/putting you down, and someone who doesnt realise they are doing it?

you talk to them, gently and openly. If it works then its a skill they can work on, if it doesn't then they either can't or won't work on the issue.

VeganCheesePlease · 12/07/2021 14:52

@DeathStare

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable.

I'm fed up of being his cook, his cleaner, his hostess for his friends and family
Then stop doing it! Nobody is forcing you. Just don't do the cooking, cleaning, etc. Make your own plans.

Re the holiday - tell your DP to go on this one alone or with a friend if you don't fancy it. Have a different holiday together.

I came here to say similar. E.g. When your partner went to start a board game with friends, if you weren't in the mood you could have politely excused yourself and went home to relax. You don't need him to chaperone you home. If you don't like the idea of the holiday, why not suggest he takes friends OR agree on the premise that you get to pick the next trip. And if he takes friends, there's a prime time for you to arrange a girly weekend with friends. Or pick somewhere that you can go enjoy yourself while he does water sports. As for the cooking and cleaning for the dinner, this could easily have been shared.

ktb123 · 12/07/2021 14:54

You're not joined at the hip, why spend all your time around him?? Do your own thing, be independent, he probably thrives on control. Get your own hobbies and interests and live like you don't give a damn

godmum56 · 12/07/2021 14:57

again and again I read the same thing "I am scared of being alone" FFS WHY? really really one of the best things that parent can teach their kids is to like themselves and to be self sufficient....I say this from the background of a happy marriage which lasted until the death of my husband. He had a job which took him away from home, sometimes i went with, sometimes I didn't because i had my own career. Now he is dead I am alone. No kids, lovely sibs, but I live alone. Not many friends because that is who I am. Honestly do not seek your happiness or security in others. Shit of all kinds happens and its made worse if you can't deal with being alone. Oh and if your parents didn't teach you then go and teach yourself NOW

skodadoda · 12/07/2021 14:59

@Crumpets123

I know I am passive :( I didnt used to be like this. I feel like the only way I can get him to love me and be happy with me is to be agreeable like this :(

But you’ve learned that being agreeable is not working. He’s emotionally abusing you and it will simply get worse.

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