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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Snuggleworm · 12/07/2021 10:35

Can I just ask a question here? For all th parents responding saying "parenting fail" etc and "yes you absosuletly should invite the child"Do yu all have blended families yes? are you step parents?
From experience I would say that you do NOT put all the responsibilty on a 13 year old to make a decision to come on holiday and spend 3 weeks away from their mother or the parent they live with most of the time.
My daughter has serious issues around that because as a child I tried to do what was best for her and her dad ( we are broken up since she was 2) and always asked her what she wanted to do as regards holidays etc and she has told me this in reecent years that she always felt guilty if she had to say she did not want to go with her dad and would miss me terribly on said holidays. It really really affected her. Maybe the poor child will miss her mum and 3 weeks is a long time to be away from the parent that you live with, especially at 13 years of age. I would have a chat with DSC mum and decide together if it is a good idea to invite DSC Then discuss with the child. and maybe add her on to the holiday at a later date but yes of course let her know that she is invited.

LetItBe80 · 12/07/2021 10:36

The posts about booking park tickets last minute wouldn’t work…for Disney (don’t know about the other parks) you need to have paid for your tickets in full to book your park days in advance due to covid. This may well change by next year but our family have just booked for next Spring and booked park days which are already filling up. Basically until rules change you can’t just ‘turn up’ with a ticket. Just a thought for OP.

Regarding my earlier post about age differences, my point is that to accommodate the differing ages - it would be a consideration to split the family to accommodate ages/needs/height restrictions etc. Which in this case negates the whole point and emphasis of a ‘family’ holiday involving the DSC as the group would/could need to be split on certain days in any case. Which could indeed apply to any family but is particularly relevant in this case..:as the OP points out she wants to take their younger children (together) on a family holiday. And the DSC is already going with her Mum.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 10:36

@BungleandGeorge tight fisted? To not want to waste what is possibly thousands of pounds ? This isn’t a tenner we are talking!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/07/2021 10:37

It's not the op and dh who are actually advocating 'leaving her behind' so Hmm to all those who are going on with the dramatical 'I CANT BELIEVE YOUR LILO AND STITCH USER NAME!!' Its the dm who has curtailed all the previous holidays. And the comments re 'abusive' and cancel the whole holiday if she doesn't want to come/changes her mind?!

Hppymum123 · 12/07/2021 10:37

If you were my partner and you didn’t want to include my child in something like that, I’d leave you there and then! Sorry!

EmeraldShamrock · 12/07/2021 10:38

All sorts of wrong, the 3 DC are part of the family since you're paying for it your OH can pay for his DC or at least offer.

BungleandGeorge · 12/07/2021 10:38

Anyone who can spend thousands upon thousands on a holiday is in a very fortunate position, not exactly on the bread line with no money to spare. Personally I think this said it all- OP only wants to spend her money on her children. Unfortunately if you choose to commit to a partner and they already have children it just doesn’t work like that. It would be unfair on her father to have to exclude one of his children for a start.
Also most of the trip is being covered by me as I have been gifted an amount of money recently from a family member and I want to create memories for my kids with it.

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 10:38

This is so hard.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to do this given her mum's previous behaviour. Plus 3 weeks is a long time and likely to get an even stronger reaction from her mum as the holiday approaches.

I honestly don't know what to suggest - my only hope would be that at 14 she would want to do this holiday and would be able to fight her mum on the issue if she tries to stop her?

If I were your DH I'd be tempted to lay it on the line with her mum, say you're planning to book this but will do it without SD if she's going to mess you around. And also that he will explain honestly to his daughter why this has happened so she knows it's not her dad leaving her out but her mum making her miss out.

Behind the scenes, I'd probably do what someone else has said and book only flights for now.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 12/07/2021 10:39

The implication in your posts is that the DSC doesn’t live with you and that her mum feels she can pick and choose a bit. She would maybe be peeved the DSC missed out on higher ticket things ie: this trip but is happy to pull rank otherwise.

I would not invite the DSC. The DSC has her ‘everyday’ family to provide her with opportunities as well. The kids you share don’t.

chinateapot · 12/07/2021 10:40

I think you need to invite her with a very open and honest conversation with both her and her mum.

If she agrees to go and then pulls out at the last minute it will absolutely suck - but it will still cost you less money than if she’d come. And you will have spent that money on ensuring that she is included and increasing the chance that she feels loved and respected by you all. That’s not tangible but it is really important.

Divineswirls · 12/07/2021 10:40

[quote Ohanaa]@Divineswirls We don’t plan or base our holidays around what DSC mother picks to do that year. Her Orlando trip was actually meant to be this year but they have changed it.
We always plan to go when our children were approx this age now.[/quote]
I would use it as a good and valid excuse not to have to invite dsd because of the experience you've had previously with last minute cancellation.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 12/07/2021 10:41

I would absolutely explain why to the DSC though so there isn’t the opportunity for resentment and/or game playing by the mother tho

Notaroadrunner · 12/07/2021 10:43

Having read all your posts @Ohanaa I wouldn't be inviting her. Will her mother make an issue of Dh being away for 3 weeks and therefore missing his access time? If not then off ye go. It's not as if she's missing out on a trip to Florida given that she's already going with her mum.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 10:43

@VettiyaIruken in the politest way possible no that’s not going to happen. We will
Happily give DSC spending money but we will not pay for the trip.

OP posts:
Divineswirls · 12/07/2021 10:43

Dsd is hardly going to be traumatised if she doesn't go with you as she's going with her DM anyway. She'll be fine.

BungleandGeorge · 12/07/2021 10:43

What were the holidays she refused before and how old was she? Were they something attractive to her age group? Does she get on with you? Did she have her own room or all in the same room? It does make a difference because a teenager is a world away from a younger child and Disneyland is obviously very attractive to kids. If she’s 14 and wants to go her Mum will struggle to stop her

JudgeJ · 12/07/2021 10:45

@Aprilx

Their father should not be leaving one of his children out of such a trip.
It's the mother not allowing their child to participate in activities, not the father, she's been invited many times but the mother likes to score points. I would want the mother to pay her expenses, to be repaid after the trip.
theleafandnotthetree · 12/07/2021 10:46

If threads here are anything to go by, this Disney 'trip of a lifetime' crap seems like far more trouble than it's worth. 3 weeks and 12 parks in Florida heat sounds like my idea of hell personally and it will be a very long time for the SD if she is so unused to being away from her mum for that long. I have no particular thoughts on your dilemma because I would never book something like this in the first place. It's all just too much

VettiyaIruken · 12/07/2021 10:46

Asofanearyou, that's your opinion.
I disagree. It's a valid choice to make if you want to and one I absolutely would make. Child gets a holiday they are happy with, I don't feel I've wasted money on a no show. It's no different in principle to paying half for a school trip 🤷‍♀️ an opinion you don't share is not a ridiculous one or one that nobody would consider simply because you don't share it nor would you consider it. That's quite arrogant of you.

Lorw · 12/07/2021 10:46

I’d talk to her mum and see what she says. Either way you’re gonna be the bad guys. It’s a tricky one, we are wanting to take my SC away to Disney but waiting till they are a bit older as we know for a fact their mum would say no because she couldn’t afford to take them so wouldn’t let us.

Communication is key, as she is a teenager I’m sure you can have a conversation with her? Then you’d know where you stood?

Clydesider · 12/07/2021 10:47

Does no-one think that the child's mother bears some responsibility in this situation. If she didn't have form for stopping her daughter going on holiday with her dad at the last minute, it would be less of an issue.
That said, I do think a talk with the stepdaughter is needed. She's old enough to understand.

RaginaFalangi · 12/07/2021 10:48

Your dh needs to talk to her mum and his daughter together. Let them know the plan. If they both say yes then they need to be aware there would be no backing out at the last minute due to the cost.

Tipsylizard · 12/07/2021 10:48

Please invite her directly and say you will need to check with her mum before booking. Her coming on holiday could never be a waste of money!!

If she doesn't' want to come/or her mum doesn't want her to she will always know that you wanted her to come which is extremely important. You want to create memories with your children? She is your child albeit a step child and you have the power to make a young girl feel loved and included - I don't know why you wouldn't want to do that. As a mother of 2 step children and 2 of my own I know how critical these teenage years are - my DSC are now in the late teens/early 20;s and we all have a great relationship but it wasn't always the case. What you do now will shape the future for her and your biological children.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:50

@BungleandGeorge

Anyone who can spend thousands upon thousands on a holiday is in a very fortunate position, not exactly on the bread line with no money to spare. Personally I think this said it all- OP only wants to spend her money on her children. Unfortunately if you choose to commit to a partner and they already have children it just doesn’t work like that. It would be unfair on her father to have to exclude one of his children for a start. Also most of the trip is being covered by me as I have been gifted an amount of money recently from a family member and I want to create memories for my kids with it.
OP said she was gifted the money, so it is a one off not a reflection of them generally having an amount of money where wasting thousands doesn't matter. And no her wanting to make memories for her kids does not "say it all". There's very little hope in the posters saying this having any common sense if they genuinely take issue with a SP not thinking "wow I've been gifted some money, can't wait to make memories for my SC!" Of course her main priority are her own kids, you're not giving your argument seem any more intelligent by acting as if that is something strange and unacceptable.
Viviennemary · 12/07/2021 10:50

The reason given for not including the DsD is because the mum has form for cancelling at the last minute. This reason is a very valid one. No way would I take this risk on such an expensive holiday. Make the Mum pay upfront. If dsd goes she gets the money back. If she doesn't she loses it. Say your relative has made this condition. The one you're getting the money from.