To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

Massive parenting fail.
That is sad fathering, and sad step-parenting.
See past the money and the ex, and see the actual child instead.

OP isn't going to invite the step child, is she? Lots of attempts to justify that decision. This poor kid's DF should be ashamed of himself.

@kirinm

OP isn't going to invite the step child, is she? Lots of attempts to justify that decision. This poor kid's DF should be ashamed of himself.

No, her mum should.

@Bayleaf25

Of course you have to invite her, at 13 (14 next year?) if her mum says no nearer the time she is old enough to discuss with her mum.

well yes, she is but she cant force her mum to let her go, presumably nor can she reimburse OP for thousands of pounds wasted.

This is such a hard one and I totally get your reluctance OP to spend thousands of pounds on something that the DM could easily renege on through spite.

I'd caution against putting the decision on your DSD though. Imagine if she said yes and then her DM vetoed it, or put her off going by dripping poison against it.

Is there any halfway house? DH pays for flights and you don't get her tickets until much closer to the time ?

@FootieFever22

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together

What a very telling first line.

He or she your husband's child so "we" don't have a DSC.

Jesus. Can't do right for doing wrong. If OP had said DH has another child she would've been accused of not liking her or seeing her as part of the family

@Watermelonwoman

Massive parenting fail. That is sad fathering, and sad step-parenting. See past the money and the ex, and see the actual child instead.

presumably you think her mother should do the same then or?

The 13yo is already going to Orlando next year. So what? She gets to go twice?

At least this way all DHS kids get a trip to Disney next year.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

The 13yo is already going to Orlando next year. So what? She gets to go twice?

At least this way all DHS kids get a trip to Disney next year.

i mean, they are anyway so....?

With all the holidays you've been on together with her included, has it only been once than she's chosen not to go at the last minute? Was there a reason for it?

Why is the actual issue sailing over so many people's heads.

OP is not looking for a way to go without DSC.

OP is quite rightly looking to prevent pay an arm and a leg for flights, park tickets, etc for a child who usually doesn't want to go or the mother cancels at the 11th hour.

No OP, you are not unreasonable for being wary that you are basing this on past experience, because this is a hell of a lot of money that seemingly as a step mum, you have no opinion on being wasted.

If at the 11th hour DSC was actually ill, then of course, it would be upsetting, but out of everyone's control. But this is not OPs concern.

OPs concern is that her past experience is that the mother cancels at the last moment, or DSC says she doesn't want to go. And no, OP shouldn't just blow thousands on an extra place for 3 weeks that she is pretty certain won't be used, because she's a villain if not.

I'm not sure how you do this OP, but essentially, you book her place if you can be sure (actual emergency aside) she will be coming.

I'd have zero problem paying for/taking DSC, which is what I can see you have no problem with either.

I'd have a massive problem if I spent thousands on DSC place, and then as we were on the way to pick her up, the mother called and cancelled.

And that's what has been your experience so far.

Again, I'm not sure how you do it, but somehow, you need to be able to recoup the cost, when the likely last minute "cancellation" happens.

Of course you invite her.

I'd rather waste money on her changing her mind last minute then not actually invite her. She'll feel left out and pushed away.

Also she will be 14/15 by that time and she might be okay being away from her mum.

It’s a difficult one OP
Because it’s a lot of money to lose if she decides not to go last minute which may happen especially if her mum doesn’t want her to go .
And you can’t exactly force a 13 year old to go . Her mum only has to not give you her passport and she won’t be going
Only you know if her mum is capable of doing that

The other stuff to consider is that You have to book a room that will sleep 5
Or book a villa which might be an easier option
Disney do suites and villas on site and the Davey Crocket campsite have 2 bedrooms I think
Maybe If you book a villa off site then that will be cheaper as it’s not based on per person abc then book her flight last minute - same for the tickets

You are coming across as very tight fisted, life isn’t all about money. This will drive a wedge between father and daughter and the half siblings, a bit of money isn’t worth that. If you’re lucky she’ll say she doesn’t want to go but you need to invite her. Don’t buy her ticket until nearer the time. Personally I’d re-think doing 12 parks in 3 weeks with a 7 year old, and even a 10 year old. I think you’ll have a better time doing things at a more leisurely pace. Slightly larger rental car (the cars in US are bigger as standard anyway) and a hotel room for 6 are not that much more expensive

@AnneLovesGilbert

When you tell her it’s 3 weeks she’ll probably say no. At 13 she’ll know her mum won’t let her, either from the start or nearer the time.

It’s OP’s money, she’s being sensible not to want to waste it given the extensive history of DSD dropping out before other trips.

Money wasted on a ticket that won’t be used is money that could benefit all of the children on another day.

She’s not evil, cold or heartless.

And as to the “real” children comment? OP only has two children. Her husband has 3. Step mums get an even harder time than this when they try and pretend their steps are theirs, that they get much say in how they’re brought up. If this child was OP’s real child she wouldn’t be wasting money on holidays that the child then ducks out of at the last minute inconveniencing everyone.

Perfect summation. The history of the bio mother cancelling gets ignored by most posters, it's behaviour designed to drive a wedge between the father and his child.

You need to have a clear conversation. Wasting money on an expensive holiday isn't okay, being messed around at the last minute isn't okay - it has an emotional impact on all the kids. We ended up never telling our DD when her half siblings were expected at an event, or even coming down for the weekend. Their Mum so often refused to let them come at the last minute and it caused so much hurt and upset - ruined school plays, holidays, dinners out. It stopped when my step kids got to the point of just walking out of the house and telling her to stop being so ridiculous, and that she couldn't stop them seeing their sister. But for years it was awful and my DD had so many special events ruined. We did a mix of holidays, because sometimes we needed to get away from the endless drama.

At 13 your step daughter will be aware of her mums behaviour, and is probably upset at past plans being messed with. Sadly, she may learn to say no because it's less painful then getting her hopes up and then having her mum pull the rug out from under her.

Get your DH to talk to the Mum, and take it from there - but don't get into a negotiation. There is no point in having constant upset with plans being ruined time and again - it's what the Mum is doing and she knows it. Over the years exhaustion takes over and just end up wanting a stress free event - this is on the Mum.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for her not to be invited.

She has holidays with her mum and this is not a week in a rental where her last minute decision not to come would not cost you.

I certainly wouldn't be risking thousands on a possible no show.

This is a holiday being funded by OP's money.
Perfectly reasonable for the OP not to want to waste it.

If it was money that her husband received, then I think he should have a greater say but not in this case.

The fact her mother might pull her out of the plans, last minute, would be enough for me.

From a purely financial position, I wouldn't risk it.

@WheresMySnackPack

Of course you invite her.

I'd rather waste money on her changing her mind last minute then not actually invite her. She'll feel left out and pushed away.

Also she will be 14/15 by that time and she might be okay being away from her mum.

I mean, that's pretty easy to say from a position of being able to comfortably waste thousands of pounds.

Would it be too odd (or not possible) to organize your trip so that your 3 weeks overlapped their 5 days? - have they already booked?
She could go with you, spend a week or so with you, then with her mum for the rest of the time?
Or she could go with her mum, for the five days, then spend up to a week with you and return together.
Or even, one week with you, five days with mum, then the rest with you.

I'd think that extended families would try to coordinate things to make it as good as possible for the shared children.

If her dad is going she deserves an automatic invite. By all means don’t invite her if you are taking her half siblings alone.

I can see where you are coming from OP. It's frustrating but you have to invite her. I would do the same as a pp and make it clear to the mother that if she stops dsc from coming or dsc refuses to come when its all booked and paid for then you will deduct the amount from her maintenance! My ex partner had a dc with a woman who did things like this! We would ask if we could take dsc away with my kids for a couple of weeks abroad, she would refuse and then slag us off to everyone for going on holiday with only my dc and leaving dsc out! The mind boggles at some people's mentality!

@BungleandGeorge

You are coming across as very tight fisted, life isn’t all about money. This will drive a wedge between father and daughter and the half siblings, a bit of money isn’t worth that. If you’re lucky she’ll say she doesn’t want to go but you need to invite her. Don’t buy her ticket until nearer the time. Personally I’d re-think doing 12 parks in 3 weeks with a 7 year old, and even a 10 year old. I think you’ll have a better time doing things at a more leisurely pace. Slightly larger rental car (the cars in US are bigger as standard anyway) and a hotel room for 6 are not that much more expensive

You're coming across as very privileged if you view thousands of pounds as "a bit of money".

I would be absolutely livid if my child caused that much money to be wasted.

*Ive just noticed your username OP. Is this thread a wind up or do you not know your disney references (and Hawaiian).

Ohana means family (even more ironically - it means extended family as in everyone is the same and included where they are blood or not)*

Genuine error. I was looking at the restaurants in Disney and reading a food blog. Ohana is a Polynesian Village Resort in Disney. It was the last thing I read before making this thread.

Is your husband not responsible for caring for her regularly? Surely she will miss seeing him and her mum may have her own plans during what would usually be your dh's time with her. Are you even able to go away for 3 weeks without her?

Could you get a letter drawn up by a family solicitor to be signed by her mother? It must state that she has agreed she may go on this holiday and if there are any changes you need to be compensated.