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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 10:51

@Hppymum123 it doesn’t really work like that though when you have been together over a decade, have 2 kids and a mortgage and love each other.
Also when you have already been through all the ups and downs that DSC mother has already caused.
There is a court order in place as it is for normal contact in the first place.

OP posts:
ViewFromTheRoof · 12/07/2021 10:53

Firstly, your DSC has never been away with you as a family
3 weeks is a long time for her to be away from her Mum
If she wants to go home she can't
She could potentially make the trip miserable being a teen and not getting her own way
Disney/Florida is a shit load of money for willing participants
Her Mum could still say no and you would be out thousands
She has been before so this isn't something she hasn't experienced

Universal WWOHP (Harry Potter) has rides, not coasters, so Forbidden Journey, Escape from Gringots and Buckbeak would all be accessible to someone who doesn't like fast coasters. I am obviously ignoring Hagrid's as it is fast and "whippy". The setting, getting a butterbeer, riding Hogwart's train are all within DSC's limits. There are other tame rides within Unversal's two parks and the most incredible Volcano Bay water park if they are doing that. So she isn't missing out on a holiday to Florida.

Most US hotels/Disney/Universal are set up to accommodate 2 adults and 2 children with the standard 2 double beds in each room. When you add in another child or adult in this case (over 10) then room choices narrow down.

I think the over-reaction on here is ridiculous. She isn't missing out on a Disney holiday, she has already had one with her Mum and is going again.

I would of course invite her, let her mull over the 3 weeks away from her Mum etc and if you are doing other parks ie Busch Gardens then there will potentially be rides she will not want to go on. Given all that, if she still wants to come I would still be shitting myself that her mother will change her mind last minute.

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 10:53

@twilightermummy

Could you get a letter drawn up by a family solicitor to be signed by her mother? It must state that she has agreed she may go on this holiday and if there are any changes you need to be compensated.
Yes, I would look into this for sure.
aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:53

@VettiyaIruken

Asofanearyou, that's your opinion. I disagree. It's a valid choice to make if you want to and one I absolutely would make. Child gets a holiday they are happy with, I don't feel I've wasted money on a no show. It's no different in principle to paying half for a school trip 🤷‍♀️ an opinion you don't share is not a ridiculous one or one that nobody would consider simply because you don't share it nor would you consider it. That's quite arrogant of you.
So the mother should be rewarded for her track record of blocking holiday's with dad? That's a terrible idea. By all means give DSD spends for her holiday with mum but paying for the holiday would send out a terrible message.
Aprilx · 12/07/2021 10:53

[quote Ohanaa]@BungleandGeorge tight fisted? To not want to waste what is possibly thousands of pounds ? This isn’t a tenner we are talking![/quote]
It isn’t possibly thousands of pounds. It just isn’t, you are making that up to try to justify leaving one child out.

Or rather I would say the father leaving one of his children out. I think the thread would be better coming from him and should be titled “To not bring one of my children to Disneyland” as I think that is the correct lens to look through.

Hppymum123 · 12/07/2021 10:53

@Ohanaa I know all about that… you need to seperate the children from the parents. Plus if you’ve been to court you’d know, if dsc wants to go.. you can go to court to get this written up do the dm can’t even stop it. If you wanted her to go, you’d do just that

BungleandGeorge · 12/07/2021 10:54

You say mum cancelled last minute one time because daughter didn’t want to go and usually refuses. What order did that happen in? Did she cancel and then has refused since? That would indicate that she’s been quite sensible to me and has learnt that her daughter isn’t comfortable with it. When was the last time you offered, how old was she? If you’ve offered her a fun holiday that would appeal to a child within the last year and she’s not gone last minute then you’re right to be wary. Less so if some time has elapsed as they mature quickly from preteen age. I do think she’s of an age that you could speak to her first and that Mum won’t have an enormous influence if she really wants to go

EmeraldShamrock · 12/07/2021 10:56

I'd offer her the chance with a warning attached.
I doubt she'd manage 3 weeks away from her DM but I would invite her to be inclusive she may say no, emphasises on it'll be a long trip of 21 days and how expensive it is.
Hopefully she'll say no before you book it.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:57

[quote Hppymum123]@Ohanaa I know all about that… you need to seperate the children from the parents. Plus if you’ve been to court you’d know, if dsc wants to go.. you can go to court to get this written up do the dm can’t even stop it. If you wanted her to go, you’d do just that[/quote]
Is there supposed to be some moral judgement in OP not wanting DSD to go enough to take the issue to court?

Aprilx · 12/07/2021 10:58

@LetItBe80

The posts about booking park tickets last minute wouldn’t work…for Disney (don’t know about the other parks) you need to have paid for your tickets in full to book your park days in advance due to covid. This may well change by next year but our family have just booked for next Spring and booked park days which are already filling up. Basically until rules change you can’t just ‘turn up’ with a ticket. Just a thought for OP.

Regarding my earlier post about age differences, my point is that to accommodate the differing ages - it would be a consideration to split the family to accommodate ages/needs/height restrictions etc. Which in this case negates the whole point and emphasis of a ‘family’ holiday involving the DSC as the group would/could need to be split on certain days in any case. Which could indeed apply to any family but is particularly relevant in this case..:as the OP points out she wants to take their younger children (together) on a family holiday. And the DSC is already going with her Mum.

Depends how you go about booking your tickets. I have not paid for my park tickets in advance and I have booked my park reservations, it simply is not true that you have to have paid for them up front.

And park days are not filling up, between now and January 2023 there are twelve days with limited availability, ten of those being the next ten days.

There are plenty of families with 13, 10 and 7 year olds that manage to holiday together.

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 10:59

@Viviennemary

The reason given for not including the DsD is because the mum has form for cancelling at the last minute. This reason is a very valid one. No way would I take this risk on such an expensive holiday. Make the Mum pay upfront. If dsd goes she gets the money back. If she doesn't she loses it. Say your relative has made this condition. The one you're getting the money from.
Yeah but the mum just won't do this will she?

Why would she pay for a holiday she doesn't want SD to go on, in order to prevent herself from getting what she wants?

The only way I can see that she could actually be prevented from ruining this holiday is to get something signed legally to stop her.

stabinthedark0 · 12/07/2021 11:02

Not surprised she doesn't want to go away with you! At all! You're not exactly making her feel welcome are you.

Fwiw I'm married with a sd same age and 3 of our own. Sds mother is awful and has put us through court too. Would likely cancel at the last minute.

But I would never do this. Imagine being your sd in this situation?

You know what's more important than a grand or two. Love.

Pinkandpink · 12/07/2021 11:02

When I met me partner 22 years ago, he had a young baby son. He was very much part of the family. He used to visit every second weekend plus holidays. It would never have crossed my mind not to take him on holiday over the years. You can’t leave the poor child out.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 11:02

@BungleandGeorge - she was 10 when the last holiday got refused last minute. It was a log cabin with a hot tub type holiday near Xmas. Her mum decided she wanted to do something Xmas related with her instead so said she couldn’t go. She would of had her own room or she could of shared with her sister if she wanted. We had a 4 person log cabin with 2 rooms and then upgraded to a 6 person cabin with 3 when it was decided she would come. The upgrade cost £150 approx and was a waste of money.

Yes I would say we get on. She was texting me this morning asking if she can make a cheesecake when she’s next over and would I buy the ingredients so I don’t think it screams ‘evil step mum and how much she hates me’. She also text me yesterday about a pet she has here (mum won’t allow it at her home) and asked for me to send some pictures so she could show a friend.

I also haven’t said I’m on the bread line but bread line or not I don’t want to possibly throw away a grand or 2! Who would?!
I have already said the majority of the money was a gift from a family member. So this trip has no reflection on our day to day financial situation. It’s luxury money and I would like it to go towards a luxury trip.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 11:03

You know what's more important than a grand or two. Love

Speaks the voice of immense privilege Hmm

No one ever fed children or paid for holidays in love. You’re hilarious. And ridiculous.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 11:03

I know my DD wouldn’t want to be away from me for 3 weeks as she gets homesick. But I’d hate if anyone left her (or me) out.
I would make it clear that she is welcome to come but give her the facts and she’ll probably not want to go anyway - seeing as she is already going and it’s a long time to be away from her mum etc

Terhou · 12/07/2021 11:05

Any chance of a realistic conversation with the child's mother pointing out the number of times she's changed her mind at the last minute and asking for a realistic decision this time that she will actually commit to?

LetItBe80 · 12/07/2021 11:06

Aprilx

I must be misinformed then. My bad. But I am assuming you have had to pay for a proportion of your tickets at very least? I paid in full as that is what I was advised to do to start planning. And no, it’s not my first trip to Disney, far from it.

My point is that a holiday like this takes planning and preparation- particularly with differing ages. So huge potential for having to split the family up for a proportion of the time to accommodate age differences. And to leave off booking a park pass until the very last minute could almost definitely incur complications and difficulties.

LetItBe80 · 12/07/2021 11:08

…. And all to accomodate DSC who either doesn’t want to go, or is precluded from going

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 11:08

I feel like people aren't really understanding that even at 14, SD is still likely to be heavily influenced by her mum if her mum turns around at the last minute and says she doesn't want her to go on this holiday. And then there is nothing OP and her DH can do.

I genuinely wouldn't know how to handle this situation.

wjg65ka · 12/07/2021 11:09

I think that's quite cruel.

stabinthedark0 · 12/07/2021 11:09

@AnneLovesGilbert if you have the cash to pay to take your children to Disney, then you have the cash to pay to take your children to Disney.

If you don't then don't take any of them.

Is my opinion. And also, yes that love is what matters more.

If the lady can't afford it then she shouldn't go 🤷🏼‍♀️

stabinthedark0 · 12/07/2021 11:10

Also, posing an AIBU and then not getting it when people say YABU 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cookiebox · 12/07/2021 11:10

This reply has been deleted

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buffyajp · 12/07/2021 11:12

@stabinthedark0

Also, posing an AIBU and then not getting it when people say YABU 🤷🏼‍♀️
Except many of us don’t think she’s is being unreasonable given the city