To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

It's easily £2k minimum and I'd imagine OP would have more idea of actual cost than we would.

^Very true. But that particular poster isn’t interested in what’s actually true, she’s determined to portray the OP in the worst possible light, so whatever reason she gives that’s reasonable must be a lie. Very common attitude on MN, particularly wrt stepmothers.

Sorry, why shouldn't she moan? Are we not allowed to pull people up for being an arsehole because they are an ex?

That's a very binary way to interpret my comment. Of course she's allowed to moan, and yes of course you're allowed to pull up ex's. If you weren't allowed to criticise on MN the relationship and step-parenting boards - never mind AIBU and Chat - would be rather empty, wouldn't they?

But it's about balance. She asked AIBU. A lot of people told her yes. People made suggestions. The OP hasn't acknowledged some of them, has argued with a lot of them, and hasn't shown she's wanting to change this. So a bit of a pointless AIBU since she thinks she's right.

@DuchessDarty

Sorry, why shouldn't she moan? Are we not allowed to pull people up for being an arsehole because they are an ex?

That's a very binary way to interpret my comment. Of course she's allowed to moan, and yes of course you're allowed to pull up ex's. If you weren't allowed to criticise on MN the relationship and step-parenting boards - never mind AIBU and Chat - would be rather empty, wouldn't they?

But it's about balance. She asked AIBU. A lot of people told her yes. People made suggestions. The OP hasn't acknowledged some of them, has argued with a lot of them, and hasn't shown she's wanting to change this. So a bit of a pointless AIBU since she thinks she's right.

She doesn't have to agree though does she?

A lot of us have said she isn't unreasonable too.

I didnt get invited on all the holidays my dad & stepfamily took. It was just part of having divorced parents.

No of course she doesn't have to agree. Might have been nice to acknowledge people trying to help and not just respond to the posts she can be combative about... But no she doesn't have to agree.

It's just the age-old of AIBU of why put it here if you don't think you're BU. The answer to that is usually because the OP wanted traffic and some argy-bargy. Which again, is the OP's prerogative.

And yes, I know a lot of you have said she isn't BU too. That is why I didn't write "all" or "most".

Maybe you could save the money you would have used taking her, because you clearly don't want to take her, and put it by for the therapy she will need in future to unpick why her father treats her and her siblings differently.

OR the dad could get saving up.

Either way, she won’t need therapy. Because he’s not treating them differently is he?

If you are so convinced that mum would cancel at the last minute, then surely it's very easy. You tell SD that she is going with them, that you wouldn't experience this without her, then don't book her. When it falls through, let mum take all the blame. This way, she thinks you're wonderful and hates her mum...Problem solved.

I really feel for you for some of the flames you've taken here @ohanaa

I think your idea of asking DSCs mother to pay and you will pay her once she has actually gone on the holiday is a good one.

To me it seems the only deterrent to stop the messing around.

I'm sure ex would be OK with losing the money if DSC doesn't go. After all, many posters have said you should just be prepared to lose the money to let her join, so surely her mum should feel the same

YANBU not to invite your dsc, your dh is.
He should also pay and arrange it with his ex.
Take a step back it's for them to sort out.

OP doesn’t want dsd to think she’s wonderful. She just wants to book a holiday with everyone on it without wasting any money. The mum is an obstruction to that happening. DSD herself is an obstruction to that happening.

The op doesn’t want to be a hero, she just wants a normal life where she can book a bloody holiday in peace with DSD on the booking!

I think your idea of asking DSCs mother to pay and you will pay her once she has actually gone on the holiday is a good one.

Apart from the fact that DSD mum does NOT want her dd to go, or better, would prefer to upset and make OP waste money by going along with it and then not allowing it last minute

It’s all well and good looking at this with A Nice Mum filter, but that’s not relevant here.

Dsd has no power in this, her dad has no power either.

*I think Iv come up with a solution."

Il just ask DSC mum to pay for DSC and if she comes we can give her back what she paid. If she doesn’t come then it’s only her out of pocket.

Seems perfect to me.

It is perfect. Because if no one is pulling manipulative stunts, then no one loses out here. The mother has no reason not to do this, especially given as she's the one that a mechanism like this needs to be in place in the first place. And if she's being genuine, it will affect her zero.

And that's exactly why the mother won't agree to it. And you have your answer immediately on whether she would have stopped DSD going but enjoyed the fact you'd lost thousands over it, and upset her siblings who were expecting her to come.

You have to word it carefully. Emphasis on the fact that you're paying for your DC. It's an unusual holiday of three weeks due to unexpected inheritance, resulting in a holiday that DH would never have been able to fund. Because it's such a long period away, it incurs a lot of cost, and you're happy to pay for DSD, if she does attend, but are very wary that she may change her mind nearer the time, which is out of your control. If she'd like to come, the amount is £xyz and it's payable by August 31st (etc) and you have here in writing that this will be reimbursed to you in full, no later than 5 days after you return, as you're very happy to pay for her, providing she actually comes.

You'll get a no. Because the mother's quite happy to burn your money with no consequence. Very different when it's her own that goes up the chute.

You know this already though. At least it gives you confirmation that you would have lost your money if you had booked DSDs place.

@DuchessDarty

No of course she doesn't have to agree. Might have been nice to acknowledge people trying to help and not just respond to the posts she can be combative about... But no she doesn't have to agree.

It's just the age-old of AIBU of why put it here if you don't think you're BU. The answer to that is usually because the OP wanted traffic and some argy-bargy. Which again, is the OP's prerogative.

And yes, I know a lot of you have said she isn't BU too. That is why I didn't write "all" or "most".

There’s 31 pages of comments.

I can’t reply to every single comment or poster

And Iv hardly been arguing. Iv out my point across and answered posters questions.

If you think this comes close to a argy bargy then I’m not sure what to say

After all, many posters have said you should just be prepared to lose the money to let her join, so surely her mum should feel the same

Mic drop.

@Ohanaa

I think Iv come up with a solution.

Il just ask DSC mum to pay for DSC and if she comes we can give her back what she paid. If she doesn’t come then it’s only her out of pocket.

Seems perfect to me.

I think this is the best option.

@TwinsAndTrifle

*I think Iv come up with a solution."

Il just ask DSC mum to pay for DSC and if she comes we can give her back what she paid. If she doesn’t come then it’s only her out of pocket.

Seems perfect to me.

It is perfect. Because if no one is pulling manipulative stunts, then no one loses out here. The mother has no reason not to do this, especially given as she's the one that a mechanism like this needs to be in place in the first place. And if she's being genuine, it will affect her zero.

And that's exactly why the mother won't agree to it. And you have your answer immediately on whether she would have stopped DSD going but enjoyed the fact you'd lost thousands over it, and upset her siblings who were expecting her to come.

You have to word it carefully. Emphasis on the fact that you're paying for your DC. It's an unusual holiday of three weeks due to unexpected inheritance, resulting in a holiday that DH would never have been able to fund. Because it's such a long period away, it incurs a lot of cost, and you're happy to pay for DSD, if she does attend, but are very wary that she may change her mind nearer the time, which is out of your control. If she'd like to come, the amount is £xyz and it's payable by August 31st (etc) and you have here in writing that this will be reimbursed to you in full, no later than 5 days after you return, as you're very happy to pay for her, providing she actually comes.

You'll get a no. Because the mother's quite happy to burn your money with no consequence. Very different when it's her own that goes up the chute.

You know this already though. At least it gives you confirmation that you would have lost your money if you had booked DSDs place.

All of this!

Another one of these threads

@TwinsAndTrifle

*I think Iv come up with a solution."

Il just ask DSC mum to pay for DSC and if she comes we can give her back what she paid. If she doesn’t come then it’s only her out of pocket.

Seems perfect to me.

It is perfect. Because if no one is pulling manipulative stunts, then no one loses out here. The mother has no reason not to do this, especially given as she's the one that a mechanism like this needs to be in place in the first place. And if she's being genuine, it will affect her zero.

And that's exactly why the mother won't agree to it. And you have your answer immediately on whether she would have stopped DSD going but enjoyed the fact you'd lost thousands over it, and upset her siblings who were expecting her to come.

You have to word it carefully. Emphasis on the fact that you're paying for your DC. It's an unusual holiday of three weeks due to unexpected inheritance, resulting in a holiday that DH would never have been able to fund. Because it's such a long period away, it incurs a lot of cost, and you're happy to pay for DSD, if she does attend, but are very wary that she may change her mind nearer the time, which is out of your control. If she'd like to come, the amount is £xyz and it's payable by August 31st (etc) and you have here in writing that this will be reimbursed to you in full, no later than 5 days after you return, as you're very happy to pay for her, providing she actually comes.

You'll get a no. Because the mother's quite happy to burn your money with no consequence. Very different when it's her own that goes up the chute.

You know this already though. At least it gives you confirmation that you would have lost your money if you had booked DSDs place.

Iv put this idea to my OH and he’s keen to offer her to pay and we will reimburse.

I’m 95% sure she won’t give us the money but it’s all on her then.

@blahblahblah321

Another one of these threads

No one asked you too read it.

Oh sorry @Ohanaa - must make mental note to only read threads I agree with.

Step away naughty blahblah

Ok, well it sounds like the child won’t be coming then. I still think the best option would be to sit with her and put it all on the table, we’d like you to come but are worried about you dropping out and us losing all this money. Especially since you say she hates rides, is too cool for Disney and wouldn’t want to come. Surely she will say no and you still get to have offered.

@Kanaloa

Ok, well it sounds like the child won’t be coming then. I still think the best option would be to sit with her and put it all on the table, we’d like you to come but are worried about you dropping out and us losing all this money. Especially since you say she hates rides, is too cool for Disney and wouldn’t want to come. Surely she will say no and you still get to have offered.

They can still do that, but then let mum foot the bill in the first instance, and pay her back if dsd does go.

Iv put this idea to my OH and he’s keen to offer her to pay and we will reimburse.

I’m 95% sure she won’t give us the money but it’s all on her then.

Perfect. Finally the mother has to be accountable for her choices. Rather than everyone having to do this bullshit acting like it's ok, no matter how detrimental to the relationship between father and child, and at everyone else's cost.

3 weeks is a long time. I would get your DH to have a chat with his ex first to
see what she thinks.
Your DH ex has to be realistic, it's an awful lot of money to waster if they back out

We have 1 DSC (13).

No , you have 1 DSC . DH has 3 children .