To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

And it is, it is obvious that the OP doesn't think she has 3 children
Because she has 2 children.
She has 2 children and a stepchild
Correct.
Who is very clearly thought of as "lesser" than the other two
Who is very clearly thought of as not her child, because she isn't her child.
If DSD was indeed part of the family and treated the same, this thread wouldn't exist
If DSD was indeed the OPs child and not a third party's child, this thread wouldn't exist.

Straw poll - for all those saying DSD must be invited whatever the potential £ waste/everyone goes or no one goes/change holiday to somewhere DSD prefers/dad take his daughter and mum take her kids separately, was the breakdown of your relationship instigated by your partner?

And it is, it is obvious that the OP doesn't think she has 3 children. She has 2 children and a stepchild. Who is very clearly thought of as "lesser" than the other two.

But she hasn’t got 3 children though. She’s got 2 children and 1 stepchild. Different relationship and different dynamic which comes with entirely different legal and moral responsibilities.

If DSD was indeed the OPs child and not a third party's child, this thread wouldn't exist.

Spot on, because the child wouldn’t get a choice 12 months down the line if the child was OP’s. That’s not how family holidays work. You don’t get to decide at age 14 that you’re not bothered and you ain’t going.

Kind of like how the DSD miraculously won’t get a choice when it comes to her own mum’s holiday I bet. And she will go.

The past behaviour isliterallythe reason they're not taking her.

So the past behaviour of the mother is literally the reason they're not taking the child.

Do you really think that's ok? To punish one person for the poor behaviour of another? To punish your child/ stepchild in this manner?

I agree with your point Youseethethingis. It is extra hassle, but still a lot better than excluding your child imo.

@funinthesun19

And it is, it is obvious that the OP doesn't think she has 3 children. She has 2 children and a stepchild. Who is very clearly thought of as "lesser" than the other two.

But she hasn’t got 3 children though. She’s got 2 children and 1 stepchild. Different relationship and different dynamic which comes with entirely different legal and moral responsibilities.

This would only be valid if DH wasn't going on the holiday. As he is, all his children need to be given the opportunity to go too imo. (He should pay for his daughter if possible rather than use the OP's inheritance if that's an issue.)

If DSD was indeed the OPs child and not a third party's child, this thread wouldn't exist.

Spot on, because the child wouldn’t get a choice 12 months down the line if the child was OP’s. That’s not how family holidays work. You don’t get to decide at age 14 that you’re not bothered and you ain’t going.

Kind of like how the DSD miraculously won’t get a choice when it comes to her own mum’s holiday I bet. And she will go.

This.

He should pay for his daughter if possible rather than use the OP's inheritance if that's an issue
He then needs to pay half for the younger kids too or he's spending £££ on one child and £0 on the others.

This would only be valid if DH wasn't going on the holiday. As he is, all his children need to be given the opportunity to go too imo. (He should pay for his daughter if possible rather than use the OP's inheritance if that's an issue.)

Should he (anyone?) pay for his ex to prevent his going? As per the log cabin. As per the lake district.

Exactly how many times and how much should anyone pay because the mother prevents the child from going.

Is 13 old enough to hear, "we don't have the money or indeed should we, keep paying for holidays that your mother won't let you come on"

That's the actual point. If she's old enough to be misled by the mother that it's her father not wanting her there, she's old enough to hear from the father that it's actually her mother preventing it. If she's going to be upset, then the person responsible for that should be accountable.

@LizzieAnt

The past behaviour isliterallythe reason they're not taking her.

So the past behaviour of the mother is literally the reason they're not taking the child.

Do you really think that's ok? To punish one person for the poor behaviour of another? To punish your child/ stepchild in this manner?

I agree with your point Youseethethingis. It is extra hassle, but still a lot better than excluding your child imo.

Do I think it's okay? Well yes, considering the alternative. You can't control someone else's behaviour but you can control how you react to it and no I don't believe one parent should always take the fall for the other.

The mother: Your father has booked a holiday in the lake district, but because it's my mum's birthday, I've decided that's more important that you having a holiday with your dad and your siblings.

You're being so unfair @TwinsAndTrifle
You seem to delight in having a go at ex wives and their children.

In this scenario the mother was NOT being unreasonable. The OP has admitted she and her DH booked the dates before checking with the SD's mother if the SD should go. So the SD already had plans - to celebrate her grandmother's birthday - before the OP asked. A classic MN response if asked would be to go with the plan you accepted first.

And this is a close relative. The SD is obviously close to her grandmother as they're going on holiday together next year with the SD's mother.

Which the mother decides should trump her father.

Parents come first. Then other family members.

Well a party you have already agreed to does trump being asked on a holiday away. She had made a prior commitment to her grandmother’s party which her dad didn’t check before he booked the previous holiday.

And then if DSD still doesn't go - as is the real issue in this thread - he just eats the loss of several thousand?

Yes @rookiemere It wouldn't be a good situation, I grant you. But what you call the real issue is actually a hypothetical situation, based on ONE prior experience 3 years ago. If the OP/her DH asks the girl directly herself, she may really want to come and wouldn't allow her mother cancelling it as much as she can. If they send an email to the mother warning her that if she cancels she'll be liable for the cost, that would be something. But the OP/her DH are trying nothing. It's clear they don't want to ask her and don't want to take her.

Much better for DH to take DSD away for a one to one holiday / break.

That is a good idea @tallduckandhandsome. The OP might not want that to happen though unless the DH can take his other 2 DC away individually.

If the DH pays for his daughter be will also have to either pay half for his other children or put the same into their ISA or he's not treating all his children exactly the same...

I don't agree @Youseethethingis That's not being equitable. The DH would be paying for his daughter to ensure that all the children got to go on holiday with their dad. He just happens to not have to pay for his other 2 children in this instance. It's a gesture to show that she is his child and not the OP's.

If he did this, he wouldn't have to give her spending money when she goes away with her mum; not the same money equivalent as paying for her but it's one way he could reduce his costs for her.

If you're arguing for a very literal definition of treating them all the same, then the DH should fight for 50:50 contact or at least go back to the court to fight for th contact order to include holidays.

The money he pays for a shared experience of a holiday is in some ways compensating for his SD not living with her father, which his other 2 children do. He doesn't pay anything other than spending money for her holidays with her mother, so his cost re the DD going away is far far less than his cost for his 2 children going away, as he'll have paid for them in the past.

@TwinsAndTrifle
I don't think it's misleading to think your father doesn't want you there if he doesn't invite you.

Yes, it they are losing money repeatedly then it has to stop and DD/DSD is getting old enough now to discuss this. However the OP has only mentioned one occasion where this happened - three years ago at a loss of €150. (The more recent occasion was simply refused immediately owing to a prior engagement.)

Give her a chance surely. Let her know she's an important member of her dad's family and that she means as much to him as his other children do.

@TwinsAndTrifle

Which the mother decides should trump her father.

Parents come first. Then other family members.

Bollocks.

The OP/her DH were in the wrong here by not checking the girl could come. It was presumably the ex's contact days for the DD. She reasonably made plans for the DD to celebrate her grandmother's birthday.

You really think the ex wife should drop any such plans with close family whenever the DH asks?

I think you should have a think about what you would say if someone said a SM should do that.

I don't think it's misleading to think your father doesn't want you there if he doesn't invite you.

But it's exactly that.

DSD your father does want you there. He's just not ok with losing thousands of pounds this time when your mother pulls a stunt.

This is zero to do with the father not wanting to invite her.

Lol are we ignoring the other holiday she didn't go on which wasn't anything to do with a prior arrangement?

Can't you invite her and speak to her mum. Or ask DH to? It would be a shame not to invite her when you don't actually know what the response is going to be.
I'm not a huge fan or rollercoaster but have been to Disney and loved it. Like you say it's a luxury holiday and you want to make memories- she should have the opportunity to be included in those.

Speaking as a daughter who missed out on lots of holidays by half sister went on... it's shit and makes you feel shit. I understand you've invited and paid in the past and have been let down but that isn't her fault and not inviting her is punishing her for her mother's actions

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Lol are we ignoring the other holiday she didn't go on which wasn't anything to do with a prior arrangement?

Who is ignoring that?

I'm not, and @LizzieAnt isn't, we've both mentioned it in our posts in the last 15 minutes.

lol.

@olidora63

So if the mother is so unreasonable I really cannot understand why the Father and OP cannot have a conversation with the 13year old ! I have suggested this so many times as have other posters and OP has not answered the question.

What question is that exactly ... have a conversation with a 13 year old which is easy but that doesn’t actually help the situation if she changes her mind last minute or her mum says no last minute.

Easy to say yes when it’s a year away too.

You really think the ex wife should drop any such plans with close family whenever the DH asks?

She's not an ex wife. They didn't ever live together.

And no, she doesn't have to drop all plans. DSD could quite easily call her grandmother to wish her happy birthday. See her grandmother the day they got back. It's not a trip McDonald's, it's a family holiday with her dad.

Which the dad is ok to never experience at the mother's choices.

Well fine. Don't act surprised when you prevent a child from going enough times that the next plan doesn't involve wasting thousands just so the mother can cancel that too.

The chanting of how wrong it is for him to holiday without all of his DC. But the absolute acceptance when the mother prevents it.

@DuchessDarty
As things stand, each child is getting a holiday paid for by their mother. So they are equal.
As soon as their shared father starts spending thousands on one child and not the others, it's unequal.
After all if say £2k is nothing to pay to ensure his daughters feelings aren't hurt, even if she then doesn't go, then £2k between two kids into their ISAs is also nothing, no? It can't be nothing to spend on one child and far too much for the others simultaneously.
So why wouldn't he do that so he could proudly say he hasn't put one child above another or spent more money on one than another?*

*I am being awkward now to illustrate the point that not everything can always be exactly equal between kids with different parents

[quote LizzieAnt]@aSofaNearYou
Where did the OP say her stepdaughter 'habitually moaned and moped throughout whole holidays and spent the whole time on her phone in her room'? Where did she say that she deserved to be excluded as a consequence of this type of poor behaviour? You're embellishing here.[/quote]
I was responding to your comment that you CAN'T leave children behind due to them being difficult. But OP did also mention that this was a concern with DSD.

The chanting of how wrong it is for him to holiday without all of his DC. But the absolute acceptance when the mother prevents it.

Well yeah what if mum never lets her go? Do his other kids never get a holiday?