To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

How does DH spend money he may not have? Credit card?

Do we know he doesn’t have any money? But if he doesn’t right now, then a simple solution:

• Ask SD if she wants to go. Explain cost. Explain can’t back out.
• Check dates with DM. Explain SD can’t back out.
• If SD can go, OP pays for her tickets.
• The DH pays the OP back for the DSD over the next year in monthly instalments.

And then if DSD still doesn't go - as is the real issue in this thread - he just eats the loss of several thousand?

@DuchessDarty no, just that everyone has assumed he can pay.

I still think it's madness to potentially waste thousands and I don't believe those advising it would do it themselves.

Much better for DH to take DSD away for a one to one holiday / break.

If the DH pays for his daughter be will also have to either pay half for his other children or put the same into their ISA or he's not treating all his children exactly the same...

Haven't read the full thread but is dsd always told about the holidays? Just wondering if mum actually said yes then changed her mind later without dsd knowing?
I've been there.... Planned it all (our wedding actually) just for mum to cancel at the last minute, it's horrendous and you feel like absolute crap. I really feel for you OP.
You'll never do the right thing in mumsnet world!
I'd have a really good conversation with dsd about going, showing her where, when etc and how she can contact mum whilst away but also explain how expensive it is and how you need a guaranteed answer. She's 13, not little so can understand it will cost xx thousand for her. Explain you'd love her there, but want her to think about it as the young adult she is and decide whether she'd want to do it.
She might be off to uni in a few years....

And then if DSD still doesn't go - as is the real issue in this thread - he just eats the loss of several thousand?

Well of course. He should just let his ex take the piss again and cost him thousands.

As should OP. She should just let this woman take the piss again, and cost her thousands.

And the woman causing all this, and affecting her own child? Costs her nothing. And projects it onto the big bad stepmother if she's prevented from being able to do so.

The person causing all this is the only person who seemingly is allowed to take zero accountability, either as a parent, or financially. And that's inexcusable.

It shouldn't be about her mum though, or the money, as frustrating as that is. It should be about how his child will feel if she's the one left out.

It should be about the money when we’re talking thousands of pounds. Why should the OP spend that kind of money on her DSD “just in case she wants to come”?

In an ideal world if she agrees to come then she shouldn’t get a choice, but the OP knows her stepdaughter and she knows her stepdaughter’s mum too and what the situation will probably be like 12 months time.

The OP isn’t put a bet on. She’s paying for a holiday. If she loses that money because of DSD it’s dead money.

*isn’t putting a bet on

That’s what it bloody feels like.

Will dsd come or will she not? Hey let’s put this £2,000 bet on and see what happens because who knows?

And then if DSD still doesn't go - as is the real issue in this thread - he just eats the loss of several thousand?

Not ideal, granted, but he is her father so he has some responsibility to her. I'm sure most of us have lost money at some point on our children Also as her parent, he is in a stronger position to explain why it is poor behaviour on her part to commit to something and then back out (if she does). And to point out that such behaviour is likely to lead to fewer such invitations in the future…

OP doesn't have the same level of responsibility to a stepchild she doesn't live with, and isn't under any obligation to spend an inheritance of hers in this way.

I'm sure most of us have lost money at some point on our children

Quite. Someone on another thread lost £2 over a dropped ice cream. That’s an “oh well” moment.

A stepmum losing thousands of pounds over a dsc is not the same thing.

@TwinsAndTrifle

And then if DSD still doesn't go - as is the real issue in this thread - he just eats the loss of several thousand?

Well of course. He should just let his ex take the piss again and cost him thousands.

As should OP. She should just let this woman take the piss again, and cost her thousands.

And the woman causing all this, and affecting her own child? Costs her nothing. And projects it onto the big bad stepmother if she's prevented from being able to do so.

The person causing all this is the only person who seemingly is allowed to take zero accountability, either as a parent, or financially. And that's inexcusable.

This still shouldn't affect how a father treats his daughter. Are you suggesting he punishes his daughter because he hates how her mother behaves? How is that fair to the child?

It's still blindingly obvious that the OP tolerates her DSD but doesn't think she's actually part of her family.

Think you can't put a price on feelings? Turns out it's only OK to have feelings if they're free or cheap. I don't have thousands of pounds to chuck about, but if "wasting" that money meant that a child could avoid an emotionally painful experience (that I promise you, she will NEVER forget) I wouldn't have to think twice.

It's honestly one of the most hurtful things you can do to a person. Either everyone's invited or nobody's invited.

@ClawedButler

It's still blindingly obvious that the OP tolerates her DSD but doesn't think she's actually part of her family.

Think you can't put a price on feelings? Turns out it's only OK to have feelings if they're free or cheap. I don't have thousands of pounds to chuck about, but if "wasting" that money meant that a child could avoid an emotionally painful experience (that I promise you, she will NEVER forget) I wouldn't have to think twice.

It's honestly one of the most hurtful things you can do to a person. Either everyone's invited or nobody's invited.

Lots of projection here.

It's not obvious nor can you promise anything.

Are you suggesting he punishes his daughter because he hates how her mother behaves?

No, she's losing out because of how her own mother behaves. And needs to see that. Because it's not ok to pretend it's the father or OP that's causing this for the child.

How is that fair to the child?

Quite. What a mother.

You have my complete sympathy op. This actually happened to us when my dsd was 10. Less than a week before we were due to fly dh got a text from her mum to say she didn’t want to go anymore. No signs previously of any problem at all. She had been away with us before. And that was that. All those people saying it’s only money…. Flights, Disney tickets, universal tickets, accommodation suitable for 5 instead of 4, it all adds up and Florida is NOT a cheap holiday.
We didn’t offer to take her on holiday for a good couple of years after that.

At 13 I think your dh need to sit her down and lay it on the line. We would love you to come but it is an expensive holiday and it is not an option to pull out at the last minute. If you are unsure it is best to leave it and we will do x/y/z instead.

Because it's not ok to pretend it's the father or OP that's causing this for the child.

But it is the father and OP that are 'causing this for the child' if they refuse to even invite her (for whatever reason). Surely you can see that?

Also the OP mentioned the last loss was €150 owing to a last minute cancellation by the mother when the child was 10 (she's 13 now)...this sort of situation doesn't seem to be happening all the time? She often refuses invitations though. I'm sorry if I've got that wrong OP.

@LizzieAnt

Because it's not ok to pretend it's the father or OP that's causing this for the child.

But it is the father and OP that are 'causing this for the child' if they refuse to even invite her (for whatever reason). Surely you can see that?

Also the OP mentioned the last loss was €150 owing to a last minute cancellation by the mother when the child was 10 (she's 13 now)...this sort of situation doesn't seem to be happening all the time? She often refuses invitations though. I'm sorry if I've got that wrong OP.

Presumably if covid hadn't happened there would have been more holidays but in the last couple of years most of us haven't been anywhere.

The thing is, it is her mum's fault, because if she hadnt acted this way before, op would be taking dsd without question, wouldn't she?

The past behaviour is literally the reason they're not taking her.

Either everyone's invited or nobody's invited.

And everyone who is invited and accepts the invite has to come on the holiday whether they like it or not.

So if the mother is so unreasonable I really cannot understand why the Father and OP cannot have a conversation with the 13year old ! I have suggested this so many times as have other posters and OP has not answered the question.

Well entirely missing the point of the thread - for a young teenager - the Nasa museum is fantastic , There are also malls / shops / and very pretty town nearby. - just a personal point I think 3 weeks a bit long but your choice

I don't think it's much of a projection to say that if a child is excluded from the family that they won't forget it.

And it is, it is obvious that the OP doesn't think she has 3 children. She has 2 children and a stepchild. Who is very clearly thought of as "lesser" than the other two. If DSD was indeed part of the family and treated the same, this thread wouldn't exist.

@Ohanaa

You might find this thread cathartic....

Evil Stepmum’s Greetings Card Collection www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4135986-Evil-Stepmum-s-Greetings-Card-Collection

@olidora63
OP did answer when I suggested the reason and she agreed with it.
Because the DSD is very likely to people please by saying yes now then OP will spend a year worrying about it before the kick off the week before when its decide she won't go after all, then instead of happy anticipation of the holiday OP is now presumably raging and resentful at losing her relatives gift and to top it all off there's a good chance the younger two kids, whose feelings are often overlooked, are now upset that their sibling isn't coming now.
The only part in all this that OP actually gets to decide is that she and her children are going. Once the DSD is brought into it, so much is out of control, with alot of feelings at stake beyond just DSD, as well as a considerable amount of money.
Hence OP is reluctant to go there.

The mother: Your father has booked a log cabin for you as a holiday. I've agreed you can go. You expect to go. Just beforehand I've decided I'd rather do something else, so you're not going anymore and coming with me. It's not important that you have this holiday with your dad. Or that he, and your siblings are let down.

The mother: Your father has booked a holiday in the lake district, but because it's my mum's birthday, I've decided that's more important that you having a holiday with your dad and your siblings.

The dad: (contemplates attending holiday, paid for by his partner, without DSC, as this is the norm due to the mother's behaviour)

The mother: The outrage! My poor child! She can only miss holidays and you all have the run around at my doing.

Okkkkkkk.