To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

the problem here is that while its a lot of money to lose, the repercussions of not inviting her have the potential to be huge emotionally for her and its the sort of thing she would remember forever.

Any chance of having a proper talk with her mum about it, or at 13, having a proper talk with her about it.
Tell her that you would like to invite her but are worried that you would not want to go as its such a long trip, and whether she would prefer a shorter holiday closer to home instead

Any chance of having a proper talk with her mum about it, or at 13, having a proper talk with her about it.
Tell her that you would like to invite her but are worried that you would not want to go as its such a long trip, and whether she would prefer a shorter holiday closer to home instead
This has been suggested from the start but OP won't come to say why this isn't an option.

@vivainsomnia

*Any chance of having a proper talk with her mum about it, or at 13, having a proper talk with her about it. Tell her that you would like to invite her but are worried that you would not want to go as its such a long trip, and whether she would prefer a shorter holiday closer to home instead* This has been suggested from the start but OP won't come to say why this isn't an option.

Quite. 27 pages later and the OP is still not saying why she doesn’t want her or her DH to have a straight conversation with the SD about it.

27 pages later and the OP is still not saying why she doesn’t want her or her DH to have a straight conversation with the SD about it.

Because it doesn't affect the issue.

Hey DSD, want to come to Disney next year?
Oh yes please. Mum agrees.

Day of the trip. Mum's "lost" the passport.

Much like:
Hey DSD, want to come away in the log cabin?
Oh yes please. Mum agrees.

Just prior to trip, mum decides she's got other plans and takes DSD with her regardless of what had been agreed.

There’s an argument to be made that he pay for part or all of his DD, so that if what the OP fears comes true, he is taking the loss.

Yes, I wondered about this too. I think OP is perfectly reasonable in not wanting to risk money which has come unexpectedly to her as a legacy.

DSD is invited and her father funds it. OK so it would still be a waste of family money if she later dropped out, but at least OP would be spared the emotional stress of worrying about it impacting a legacy which has a personal element for her.

You’re still spending someone else’s money needlessly though.

Just prior to trip, mum decides she's got other plans and takes DSD with her regardless of what had been agreed
We know that is the risk. The question is this risk genuinely higher than the risk of not inviting the child, leaving her devastated, mum utterly disgusted, and the child not wanting to see her dad ever again and mum making their lives even more difficult.

What's so wrong with acting like adults. Dad calls mum, explains the situation, says that he is a bit anxious because of what has happened before, and needs some assurance. He could get a better idea of the likelihood of it happening yet no suggestion of doing that. It's much easier to claim that it's inevitable that this would happen again, despite last time being 3 years ago, and then conveniently passing on the blame on mum.

If OP and her OH were genuinely concerned but really really wanted the child to join them, they would certainly have given communication at least a try, of course.

Just prior to trip, mum decides she's got other plans and takes DSD with her regardless of what had been agreed.

Then so be it. At least the child knows her father didn't leave her out. At least she knows that she is as important to him as his other children.

I also think the money lost - if it is lost - shouldn't neccesarily come out of the OP's inheritance. DH needs to step up here.

It seems clear the family can afford it, the OP has said as much. It's also very understandable that they don't want to 'waste' the money. But imo making their child feel wanted is worth the price in this case.

It's not just about the money though is it? I don't know if the OP wants her there anyway? OK, she doesn't enjoy the rides....many people don't. But that is something that can be worked around if you really want to include her.

@LizzieAnt

Just prior to trip, mum decides she's got other plans and takes DSD with her regardless of what had been agreed.

Then so be it. At least the child knows her father didn't leave her out. At least she knows that she is as important to him as his other children.

I also think the money lost - if it is lost - shouldn't neccesarily come out of the OP's inheritance. DH needs to step up here.

It seems clear the family can afford it, the OP has said as much. It's also very understandable that they don't want to 'waste' the money. But imo making their child feel wanted is worth the price in this case.

It's not just about the money though is it? I don't know if the OP wants her there anyway? OK, she doesn't enjoy the rides....many people don't. But that is something that can be worked around if you really want to include her.

So teaching a teenager that you're happy for her to waste literally thousands of pounds of money on her is a good thing?

Christ. Recipe for disaster. You're setting a very dangerous president there.

*precedent

@vivainsomnia

Just prior to trip, mum decides she's got other plans and takes DSD with her regardless of what had been agreed We know that is the risk. The question is this risk genuinely higher than the risk of not inviting the child, leaving her devastated, mum utterly disgusted, and the child not wanting to see her dad ever again and mum making their lives even more difficult.

What's so wrong with acting like adults. Dad calls mum, explains the situation, says that he is a bit anxious because of what has happened before, and needs some assurance. He could get a better idea of the likelihood of it happening yet no suggestion of doing that. It's much easier to claim that it's inevitable that this would happen again, despite last time being 3 years ago, and then conveniently passing on the blame on mum.

If OP and her OH were genuinely concerned but really really wanted the child to join them, they would certainly have given communication at least a try, of course.

It's not convenience, the mum is to blame on this one.

Central to all this is the mum flexing her power and causing DSC to lose out.

The conversation will go like this "Oh she can go" then "oh look bye bye passport it's gone missing". Like the other times. Why does SM have to lose out financially and get set alight for even daring to question it. Where's this suck it up because your a SM come from it's odd.

The mum should be ashamed of herself, she's the one making the child lose out.

The question isnt should the child come it's will the mum let her come and if not face 0 consequences.

So teaching a teenager that you're happy for her to waste literally thousands of pounds of money on her is a good thing?

Christ. Recipe for disaster. You're setting a very dangerous president there.

No way. Leaving her out is a waaay bigger recipe for disaster insofar as her relationship with her father and the OP is concerned.

@moynomore

So teaching a teenager that you're happy for her to waste literally thousands of pounds of money on her is a good thing?

Christ. Recipe for disaster. You're setting a very dangerous president there.

No way. Leaving her out is a waaay bigger recipe for disaster insofar as her relationship with her father and the OP is concerned.

Considering she usually does not want to go it is perhaps not a recipe for disaster at all.

You’re still spending someone else’s money needlessly though.

Sure, as I've acknowledged.

But OP's DH is the girl's father so I feel he needs to be inviting her on the trip, and paying for her if she does indeed want to come. And it's also on him to have the serious conversation with his daughter and his ex about the implications of her bailing at a later date.

OP has already said they keep their savings separate (wisely imo), so there's no reason that this trip can't be funded separately also.

Then so be it. At least the child knows her father didn't leave her out. At least she knows that she is as important to him as his other children.

Why should OP have to lose thousands of her inheritance to protect a child from the truth?

It's fine op and her DH to look like the bad party. But not fine for the mother, who is, to be called out as such.

One parent is the cause of this, and they should get off scot free for no reason at all, and OP and DH should be tarred for her behaviour?

If she doesn't go, it should be made clear exactly why. Not falsely dressed up so the mother doesn't have to be accountable at the expense of OP and DH.

So teaching a teenager that you're happy for her to waste literally thousands of pounds of money on her is a good thing?
Christ. Recipe for disaster. You're setting a very dangerous president there.

No, I would be very cross if she decided at the last minute not to go and I"d have made it clear it's an expensive trip.
But it the reason she couldn't go is down to her mum I wouldn't blame her, no.
Ditto for genuine illness etc

You need to have a proper chat with their Mum.

@TwinsAndTrifle
I don't think you read my post fully.
I said the OP's DH should pay, not her.
You can't punish a child for the poor behaviour of her mother, or at least you shouldn't.

@vivainsomnia

*Any chance of having a proper talk with her mum about it, or at 13, having a proper talk with her about it. Tell her that you would like to invite her but are worried that you would not want to go as its such a long trip, and whether she would prefer a shorter holiday closer to home instead* This has been suggested from the start but OP won't come to say why this isn't an option.

I think it’s pretty obvious that her mum is unreasonable and we don’t have the relationship were we can all sit down around the table and hash it out.

No point in speaking to the DM unless it's to check dates.

Sounds like she'd positively relish the opportunity to screw up their plans and waste their money. Read the thread it's all there, madness to persist with a strategy that only works if she is a reasonable person.

I thought it was very obvious after I have mentioned things such as going to court for contact that’s WE DO NOT GET ON WITH DSC MOTHER.

She will not be in the same room as us. All
Communication must be via text or email only.

@rookiemere

No point in speaking to the DM unless it's to check dates.

Sounds like she'd positively relish the opportunity to screw up their plans and waste their money. Read the thread it's all there, madness to persist with a strategy that only works if she is a reasonable person.

This is exactly what we normally do.

One message to say we are going away X date to X place and can/would DSC like to come.

End of discussion. We hardly ever get more then a no back.

@thing47

You’re still spending someone else’s money needlessly though.

Sure, as I've acknowledged.

But OP's DH is the girl's father so I feel he needs to be inviting her on the trip, and paying for her if she does indeed want to come. And it's also on him to have the serious conversation with his daughter and his ex about the implications of her bailing at a later date.

OP has already said they keep their savings separate (wisely imo), so there's no reason that this trip can't be funded separately also.

How does DH spend money he may not have? Credit card?

Can her dad not pay for her to come?

I don't think I'd be happy if I was gifted money and had to spend a significant amount on my partner's child.

What's so wrong with acting like adults.

Because the actual mother is proving incapable of this.

....conveniently blaming the mother

correctly blaming the mother.