To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

[quote Ohanaa]@DuchessDarty Iv already explained why she’s been to Orlando.

Harry Potter. She didn’t go on any of the rides when she was there either. I know this as she told me.[/quote]
Yes I read that you said she did/will be doing the Harry Potter part, and said they did the water park too.

Which shows that she doesn’t hate theme parks. She just may prefer specific parts. And as a PP said to you, Universal is so much more rollercoaster and ride heavy than Disney. And the HP section has a lot of good rides, not all of which are rollercoasters. If she’s a HP fan, she’d be missing out not having done any. You/DP might want to double-check with her mum or her about that.

@DuchessDarty it’s hardly my fault she doesn’t want to go on any rides. I don’t need to check with her mum as I know she didn’t do any. She told me. I asked about a certain ride there last year while watching the film and she didn’t even know it was there.

I have no idea why they are even going but I don’t really care why they picked it either to be honest.

She likes the water parks but only the pools and lazy rivers. I don’t think going to 2-3 water parks in 21 days will make up for 18 days of rides.

[quote Ohanaa]@DuchessDarty it’s hardly my fault she doesn’t want to go on any rides. I don’t need to check with her mum as I know she didn’t do any. She told me. I asked about a certain ride there last year while watching the film and she didn’t even know it was there.[/quote]
I didn’t say it was your fault?

Regardless of whether she does rides, she clearly doesn’t outright hate theme parks.

Christ, just bloody ask the girl outright if she would like to come to Disneyland with you next year. Don't fuck about with "mentioning" Disneyland and watching her reaction - from what you've said it's unlikely she would want to GO, but she would definitely, definitely want to be ASKED.

I can't imagine how hurt she would be if she found out you were going on holiday -even one she wouldn't fancy in a million years- and hadn't even asked her if she would want to come.

Just put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if it was the other way round. You and DH split, he remarries and has kids, your bio DCs are now stepchildren. And he's going away with his new family and your two aren't invited. How loud would that message be? "You are not wanted here" She's 13, she's not going to think, "Oh well I'll make a cheesecake, that'll make up for being unwanted".

YOU HAVE THREE CHILDREN IT'S JUST THAT ONE DOESN'T LIVE WITH YOU.

Just wait @Ohanaa next suggestion will be that her DF takes off DSD to do what she wants to do whilst you do parks on your own with other DC.

DSD has been to theme park as thats where the RP has taken her. My guess is with her DM so doesn't get to be flakey and drop out of holidays.

You just don't want her there do you OP?
You're afraid you'll lose money.
You're afraid she'll spoil the holiday.
You don't even want to ask her in case she says yes.

This is so very sad. Your DH needs to stand up for his daughter. You really, really shouldn't exclude a child because they're more difficult. None of this is her fault.

@bogoffmda

It is the same situation for her father though.

OP - you dont want her there so you can play happy families and forget she exists - bottom line.

Only on mumsnet are there so many stepmums gifted monies that they want to treat their kids to, days out/ holidays that are iconic. No one I know in real life gets this on the regularity that appears here

Biggest drip feed - my monies, i dont want to treat SDC, her mum makes life difficult, guess what she is going to orlando for 5 days with mum - seriously how many 5 day holidays do you know - most are 7 or 14 days etc etc

You dont want there and dont care

Yet another extremely cliched comment from you that you will no doubt now claim is not blatantly incredibly biased 🙄

@Kanaloa

There’s a lot of this making memories/rite of passage type of stuff on here at the moment. I think what people sometimes don’t take into account is that stepchildren aren’t getting in the way of your family, they are your family.

Husbands should be treating all their children equally, but so often it seems the stepchildren are an inconvenience to be tolerated, getting in the way of the new little family.

So you've said that your child is a step child, but do you have a step child? Because you're speaking for step parents here, yet your words seem pretty naive about what the experience is often like.

@rookiemere

Just wait *@Ohanaa* next suggestion will be that her DF takes off DSD to do what she wants to do whilst you do parks on your own with other DC.

DSD has been to theme park as thats where the RP has taken her. My guess is with her DM so doesn't get to be flakey and drop out of holidays.

How has the girl been “flakey”?! She “dropped out” once three years ago because her mother decided she didn’t want her going.

There’s a fair bit of exaggerating and unfairly bashing the SD on this thread.

I don’t have a stepchild, but my children (the stepchildren to my husband) aren’t excluded from family life in any way. And when I said husbands should be treating all their children equally, I was referring to the fathers of these children, who should be parenting all their children.

@LizzieAnt

You just don't want her there do you OP? You're afraid you'll lose money. You're afraid she'll spoil the holiday. You don't even want to ask her in case she says yes.

This is so very sad. Your DH needs to stand up for his daughter. You really, really shouldn't exclude a child because they're more difficult. None of this is her fault.

This comes out all the time on MN, with people saying "yes my children habitually moan and mope throughout the whole holiday and spend the whole time on their phone in their room, but I couldn't possibly not take them next time." Well, I bloody could, and that would be exactly what I would be warning them would happen if they didn't pull their socks up.

People always say it's "so sad" when difficult children face consequences for being difficult. I think it's an appropriate life lesson about not being rude.

And I totally understand that it is difficult to be a stepparent, often stuck with all the rubbish jobs and missing out on all the rewarding experiences of parenting, but that’s part of what you take on as a stepparent. I wouldn’t marry a man with children myself specifically because I know how difficult blended families can be.

@Kanaloa

I don’t have a stepchild, but my children (the stepchildren to my husband) aren’t excluded from family life in any way. And when I said husbands should be treating all their children equally, I was referring to the fathers of these children, who should be parenting all their children.

So no actual experience then, which is coming across loud and clear.

so is it about her not caring to go anyway, so it's ok not to invite her, or is it about not booking because the mother is bound to cancel it? Because you go from one to the other and they really are two different issues.

The first is easy. You ask her. Not in the middle of a conversation, but in a 'let's seat down and have a serious conversation' way. For some reason though, you seem reluctant to do that, which really makes no sense.

the issue with the mum is more complicated, but there still doesn't seem to be any attempt to try to mitigate the risk. It doesn't sound as if your OH has even attempted to discuss it with his ex. Like in an email. This is what we want to do, here are the dates ,we would love for her to come, can I confirm that you are ok with it and these dates and that you won't pull out once we've paid the deposit. If she responds that it's ok, he's got something in writing. Doesn't mean she can't do it, but he would have a good case for taking her anyway.

I just don't believe that there is any wish to take her and you are just looking at reasons to justify it. Otherwise, the above would already have taken place. You just don't want to be judge for it. Personally, I don't judge you for not being overly keen to spend a lot of money on you SD, but I would judge your OH for letting himself being convinced by your reasoning for not inviting her. Any caring parent would just not go. That is of course assuming that she did wish to be there, which she might not but unless you ask honestly, you just won't really know.

You just don't want her there do you OP?

You just don't want her being allowed to cancel on a whim, or her mother's deliberate stunts to ruin this occasion, this time at the costs of thousands to you as well.

You're afraid you'll lose money.

You're quite rightly concerned that the teenage daughter and mother have the ability (and previous) to waste your money at their whim, at no cost or care to themselves. You don't matter though OP. Remember that.
*
You're afraid she'll spoil the holiday.*

You know she doesn't like this sort of thing, but the other children do. And unlike her, they don't get a second trip planned solely round them the month after. This is their only chance.

You don't even want to ask her in case she says yes.

You don't want another mother and her teenage child, who have previous for this kind of behaviour, to ruin a once in a lifetime experience for the other two children, which is only happening in the first place as it's being paid for out of your inheritance.

As I’ve tried to explain, I have experience of blended families from the same perspective of op’s husband, the father of the stepdaughter. If op wanted opinions only from stepmothers specifically she could have said so.

I'm also confused as what the plan is if no inviting her. Sorry DSD, you can't come on your normal planned weekend, we won't be home. Where will we be? Oh, Florida, doing the rides but we know you'd hate it, and in any case, you and your mum are too unreliable and didn't want to waste money, so I guess you'll have to stay with your mum and miss on your dad for 3 weeks'?

And when I said husbands should be treating all their children equally
The husband here isn't paying for any of his children to go on holiday.
So all the children are equal in that regard.

@Youseethethingis

And when I said husbands should be treating all their children equally The husband here isn't paying for any of his children to go on holiday. So all the children are equal in that regard.

There’s an argument to be made that he pay for part or all of his DD, so that if what the OP fears comes true, he is taking the loss.

I know it must be so difficult at times balancing the needs of different children. But if you don't invite her I think that could be something which always stays with her. I think money comes and goes and of course it's a lot but her feelings around this are more important than money.

I would ensure her mum knows it has to be a definite yes or no and as pp said, get her to pay a deposit.

Also, honestly, what is your relationship like with DSD? It does sound rather like you don't want her to come? Or maybe I've read that wrong.

@Kanaloa

As I’ve tried to explain, I have experience of blended families from the same perspective of op’s husband, the father of the stepdaughter. If op wanted opinions only from stepmothers specifically she could have said so.

Yes, but the perspective of someone who isn't a step parent but whose own precious child is a step child, is a pretty lofty position from which to make sweeping statements about how the only thing blocking a conventional happy family is the SC being seen as getting in the way of the "new" family, as though the set up doesn't bring unique challenges to do with the SCs other household and often, shock horror, the behaviour of the SC themselves. But no, they only ever bring positivity, it's the dastardly step parents not trying hard enough to "see them as family", that's all it could be.

I think money comes and goes and of course it's a lot but her feelings around this are more important than money.

I'm sure all the people saying this will be more than happy to wire OP the money, then.

@aSofaNearYou
Where did the OP say her stepdaughter 'habitually moaned and moped throughout whole holidays and spent the whole time on her phone in her room'? Where did she say that she deserved to be excluded as a consequence of this type of poor behaviour? You're embellishing here.