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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 13/07/2021 09:44

Well presumably he would have organised the passport well in advance. I don’t think it’s helpful to cast the father as a totally helpless bystander in his child’s life. Or you could ask for the passport when booking the holiday, at least a couple of months in advance so if it is difficult to get there can be negotiation.

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2021 09:44

They would all be crying if they knew our joint savings account was in my sole name then

Smart move Wink

Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 09:45

@hawkehurstgang

Two options.

  1. invite DSC.

  2. don't go

To go but not invite her would be intolerably awful of you.

How you have been wrote option 2.

My kids should miss out then .... no chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 09:47

@Kanaloa

Well presumably he would have organised the passport well in advance. I don’t think it’s helpful to cast the father as a totally helpless bystander in his child’s life. Or you could ask for the passport when booking the holiday, at least a couple of months in advance so if it is difficult to get there can be negotiation.
One phone call and it’s cancelled ...
OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 13/07/2021 09:47

She backed out of the one before.

I know, my reading comprehension is good. I was talking about @TwinsAndTrifle wrongly using the Lake District as an example of the ex and SD backing out.

She has said no to multiple things.

And that’s ok isn’t it? Not the same as saying yes then backing out or being flaky. She may even say no to this if you ask her.

Youseethethingis · 13/07/2021 09:47

We all know with stepchildren we are powerless and that’s the difference. A year down the line the OP won’t be able to force her stepdaughter to go like she would her own
And the best laugh is that if OP were to "treat DSD like her own* and force the issue the police would be called! Same for the DH, to be perfectly honest. He's not the RP. He doesn't get to raid the RPs house for the passport and "parent" his teenage daughter out the door against her will Hmm

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2021 09:50

Op, just a thought.

IF you book her on and she backs out next year, would you maybe be able to take someone in her place if they could pay a percentage towards the cost? Then go and have a great time knowing you haven’t totally wasted the money.

Might not be a good suggestion and if so please ignore!

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2021 10:00

And the best laugh is that if OP were to "treat DSD like her own and force the issue the police would be called! Same for the DH, to be perfectly honest. He's not the RP. He doesn't get to raid the RPs house for the passport and "parent" his teenage daughter out the door against her will*

Exactly. The NR household really is always at the mercy of the R household al the time.
It is unfair and a huge contradiction to the “dsc is equal to dc” argument. How can they be equal if you’re not allowed any say in what the stepchild does?

TwinsAndTrifle · 13/07/2021 10:03

The other thing, as PP have mentioned, is that you make it very clear to the mother that she's not going to directly, or indirectly enable DD to cancel, once she has agreed to go.

She's a teenager, not 4. She knows it's appalling manners and a huge amount of money wasted if she pulls out.

Let DM know that you have big concerns, given prior incidents, and that if she agrees DD is go to, then she goes. If she is prevented, or allowed to "I don't fancy it now" then you will recoup this from DMs maintenance. You don't actually have too, but it's very easy for her to act like this when she loses zero every time.

This makes her accountable for her own actions. If she messes you around, then she incurs the loss. That's very fair. Because if she has no intention of messing you around, this stipulation doesn't affect her at all.

LizzieAnt · 13/07/2021 10:13

My kids should miss out then .... no chance.

You have written this about your biological children OP.
What I can't understand is why your DH isn't saying this too? He should be insisting that his daughter is asked to come on this fabulous holiday.

Please don't leave a child out OP.

rookiemere · 13/07/2021 10:15

It's hardly a fabulous holiday for DSD if she is lukewarm about theme parks.

frazzledasarock · 13/07/2021 10:16

OP cannot realistically recoup anything through maintenance. If maintenance goes through CMS they'll just take it from the NRP's salary.

There is no realistic enforceable way in which to ensure DSD goes.
Forcing DSD to go will ruin the relationship, trying to take it form maintenance won't work and ruin the relationship.

I still think speaking to DSD is the first step, but if she agrees right now and bails out next year, there is nothing the OP can do in reality and maintain the good relationship she has with DSD. And guaranteed the evil stepmum will get the blame for any fall out.

DuchessDarty · 13/07/2021 10:17

@rookiemere

It's hardly a fabulous holiday for DSD if she is lukewarm about theme parks.
She can’t be that lukewarm. She’s been to Orlando before and is going again.
frazzledasarock · 13/07/2021 10:18

It's not a fabulous holiday for DSD.

She doesn't like being away from her mum
She will be going to the resort with her mum later anyway.
She doesn't enjoy rides.

It doesn't sound like she will miss out at all.

TwinsAndTrifle · 13/07/2021 10:18

What I can't understand is why your DH isn't saying this too? He should be insisting that his daughter is asked to come on this fabulous holiday.

Probably because she's going to the same place with her mother a few weeks after. I wouldn't feel desperate to take DC to (eg) euro Disney in October, if they were already booked to go with their grandparents in November. Hardly missing out on their fabulous trip if I don't take them as well, are they. They're missing out on doing it twice.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 10:23

@LizzieAnt

My kids should miss out then .... no chance.

You have written this about your biological children OP.
What I can't understand is why your DH isn't saying this too? He should be insisting that his daughter is asked to come on this fabulous holiday.

Please don't leave a child out OP.

Because he knows how much of a prick his daughters mum is to be honest. Even he doesn’t want to waste money after spending thousands to get access in the past.

She doesn’t care about if we are out of pocket.

She’s wasted our money more then once.

When she was younger she binned a pair of £50 trainers we had just bought for DSC because she didn’t like the colour!

OP posts:
TwinsAndTrifle · 13/07/2021 10:24

Does she need to go twice? Yours don't get too.

Yours go once, because their mother is paying.

DSD goes once because her mother is paying.

DH pays for neither and only goes on the trip with OP because that's who he's in a partnership with, and she's paying for him.

That's without all the inevitable games and cancellations that will spoil the run up and most likely the actual holiday. The actual mother doesn't have things ruined. Why should you.

rainsometimes · 13/07/2021 10:26

How do your dc get on with their sister?

LizzieAnt · 13/07/2021 10:27

@frazzledasarock

It's not a fabulous holiday for DSD.

She doesn't like being away from her mum
She will be going to the resort with her mum later anyway.
She doesn't enjoy rides.

It doesn't sound like she will miss out at all.

You need to give her the choice, not make up her mind for her. To not even bother asking her would be an appalling thing for a parent to do imo.
Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 10:27

@DuchessDarty Iv already explained why she’s been to Orlando.

Harry Potter. She didn’t go on any of the rides when she was there either. I know this as she told me.

OP posts:
LizzieAnt · 13/07/2021 10:30

Because he knows how much of a prick his daughters mum is to be honest. Even he doesn’t want to waste money after spending thousands to get access in the past.

It shouldn't be about her mum though, or the money, as frustrating as that is. It should be about how his child will feel if she's the one left out.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 10:35

@LizzieAnt

Because he knows how much of a prick his daughters mum is to be honest. Even he doesn’t want to waste money after spending thousands to get access in the past.

It shouldn't be about her mum though, or the money, as frustrating as that is. It should be about how his child will feel if she's the one left out.

That’s not life though is it. Life evolves around money. If it was free to go then it would be a different matter. It shouldn’t be about her mum either and I agree but it is as DSC lives with her.
OP posts:
Henio · 13/07/2021 10:36

Shes 13, you and your dh need to ask her outright do you want to come with us, explain the fact you'll lose a lot of money if she pulls out last minute. If she doesn't want to come then I would give her the option of choosing something different to do with you all as a family with the money you would have spent on her to go on the holiday

Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 10:38

@rainsometimes

How do your dc get on with their sister?
When she’s over they play a bit but my daughter thinks she’s just moody at the moment and Iv explained to her that her sister is becoming a teenager and hormones.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ohanaa · 13/07/2021 10:39

@Henio

Shes 13, you and your dh need to ask her outright do you want to come with us, explain the fact you'll lose a lot of money if she pulls out last minute. If she doesn't want to come then I would give her the option of choosing something different to do with you all as a family with the money you would have spent on her to go on the holiday
No... why does she get that option? Confused I didn’t say to my kids would you like to come but if not I’ll book another trip too Hmm
OP posts: