To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

I know her. I know she won’t be jumping up and down for joy for a theme park holiday as it’s not her thing.

If you think this, why on earth not just ask if she wants to come?

OP I have asked this question already but do you genuinely 100% want to take SC if there is absolutely no changes of mind ? If so obviously have a chat with SD ,Mother and include the Father with all the concerns. Ask husband to reimburse you if the family get let down.
I really think that a 13/14 year old can understand your concerns.

She is doing

Right. So you booked a lot cabin at Christmas, a bigger one to include her. The mother decided last minute she wanted to do something else. So you just paid for a no show, and that's fine

You've booked the Lake District. Mum says no, it's her nans birthday. You've still booked the bigger villa in case she can come. But if/when she doesn't, you've just paid for a no show. Which is fine

Except it's not. The mother is a problem. And the teenager is being taught it's ok to act like that.

On top of that, the teenager has been flaky and made excuses herself not to be included with things, and is allowed to cancel as she pleases.

Well. If that's the behaviour you want to go with, which is rude, disrespectful, and thoughtless of others, then don't be surprised when you aren't enabled anymore, because no one's dared to say boo to a goose so far, because it's the red carpet royalty that is a stepchild. Your own children don't get away with this. It's not down to you to accept shoddy behaviour and lose thousands of pounds of your money over theirs.

She's not attended the two examples above. She's (been allowed) to cancel other things. The mother pulls stunts. And this will cost you thousands of pounds which you only have because your family member has sadly died. But you let her and the mother act like this, because "poor darling stepchild". No. You don't get to behave like that, whoever you are.

And forget anyone from the first wives club pretending they'd be fine with it. They wouldn't spend a penny of that money. They just like to come on here with the stepmother bashing, probably because they've got one that stands up to them too, instead of letting them behave as they please, like you have been with the ex and her teenager up until now.

As before:

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

Then relax that, just for once you get to enjoy this once in a lifetime experience, that, unlike every other holiday, can't be affected by two other people's (deliberate) poor behaviour.

Leaving a child out of a family holiday isn’t ‘standing up to her mother.’ I agree she shouldn’t be allowed to cancel last minute, but maybe her father could take some responsibility for his behaviour while he’s with them and do some actual parenting.

If you don’t want to navigate someone else’s children, marry someone with no children. Or expect that if you ever split, he will treat your kids just the same as he’s treated the stepkids when he’s with you. He should be paying for his daughter to come with them if she wants to and supporting her behaviour.

I already said I’m going to mention Disney to my DSC and see what her reaction is in generalM
Mentioning it in a way that is likely to elicit a response that would be different to if you were to ask her directly so you can then conclude that she doesn't really want to go and therefore it's ok not to invite her and then refer to that discussion to justify it.
You still haven't responded to the question. She is 13yo, why aren't you just asking her directly? You know that will be the best way to get a proper response, so why does it seem such an issue to you to do so?

I agree she shouldn’t be allowed to cancel last minute

Yes. We all think that. But that's what she, or the mother does. Then what? Oh well, just like we all thought, you've been enabled to waste thousands of OPs inheritance. Oopsy daisy.

I don't think so.

but maybe her father could take some responsibility for his behaviour while he’s with them and do some actual parenting

Excellent. So why don't you tell us the responsibility he should have taken, and actual parenting he should have done, when he arranged, paid for, a log cabin at Christmas....then last minute the mother went off on what she wanted to do instead and DSD didn't show because of it.

Oh. And he's not paying for the teenager to come. That's OPs inheritance that they'd be using. So using your theory, she shouldn't come. Because that way, he's not paying for any of his children to go on holiday. But has accepted OPs invitation to go with her, and she's paying.

@TwinsAndTrifle where are you getting a lot of this from? It’s not the OP’s posts.

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

The OP’s children are 7 & 10. And you say they’ll be stuck in the baby section?

The Ex didn’t back out of her DD going to the Lake District - the OP and her DP booked it before checking if the girl was free.

Where does the OP say her DD has been allowed to cancel things as she pleases?

This might be a wild stab in the dark here, but my guess is that OP doesn't want to ask the question, have the child say yes because it's a whole year away and she gets immediate brownie points for showing willing, then OP spends the next year stewing and dreading the almost inevitable fun and games in the lead up to the holiday instead of looking forward to it. Knowing that their is a strong possibility she has just wasted a chunk of her inheritance on nothing.

He should have insisted the contact agreement was adhered to, but obviously he didn’t do so. That’s his parenting issue and the stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished for that. And then spoken to her seriously about how this has cost them money and it isn’t acceptable. Again he hasn’t done that, which is poor of him.

@Kanaloa

Leaving a child out of a family holiday isn’t ‘standing up to her mother.’ I agree she shouldn’t be allowed to cancel last minute, but maybe her father could take some responsibility for his behaviour while he’s with them and do some actual parenting.

If you don’t want to navigate someone else’s children, marry someone with no children. Or expect that if you ever split, he will treat your kids just the same as he’s treated the stepkids when he’s with you. He should be paying for his daughter to come with them if she wants to and supporting her behaviour.

Thanks for that nugget of wisdom. Pointless as it is as we already have 2 kids

As in, he should have done exactly the same as he would have if his daughter with op suddenly decided last minute she couldn’t be bothered and wanted to stay home. She is his daughter and his responsibility and if he is just standing by and letting her cancel then that’s his fault. Last time she cancelled she would have been presumably about the same age as op’s eldest - her behaviour being allowed is her parent’s fault, and her father is one of her parents.

Yes, so you’ve decided to marry someone with a child and now you need to deal with her and get your husband to. To be honest, it’s blatantly obvious you don’t want to take her, so don’t.

@Kanaloa

He should have insisted the contact agreement was adhered to, but obviously he didn’t do so. That’s his parenting issue and the stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished for that. And then spoken to her seriously about how this has cost them money and it isn’t acceptable. Again he hasn’t done that, which is poor of him.

Do you know how much it costs to keep going back to court ? Clearly not or you think we have bottomless pockets. Jesus Christ.

It’s thousands! Again... thousands. He doesn’t represent himself he has had a solicitor.

For the mum to just fuck around again and again.

Why should he or anyone for that matter of fact spend money keep going back to court because DSC mum can’t be a mature grown up.

All this crap about insisting a contact order is agreed to all the time. Like it’s so easy.

@Kanaloa

As in, he should have done exactly the same as he would have if his daughter with op suddenly decided last minute she couldn’t be bothered and wanted to stay home. She is his daughter and his responsibility and if he is just standing by and letting her cancel then that’s his fault. Last time she cancelled she would have been presumably about the same age as op’s eldest - her behaviour being allowed is her parent’s fault, and her father is one of her parents.

It’s different. It’s not even comparable. As if our daughter turned around and said she didn’t want to go I’d tell her how bloody ungrateful she is! I wouldn’t support her not going like her mum would and has done.

Apparently now my only role is step mum, not mum, wife, daughter, niece, auntie or even just a women.

I wonder if one of those is allowed to be gifted money.

I think some people are a bit threatened by a stepmum having large amounts of her own money and spending it on whatever she likes.
All seems a bit 1950s doesn’t it?

Can't you talk to her mum and get an adult decision on how feasible it would be. For example, it depends on timing of the trip, if children need to miss any school. Taking a primary age child out is different to a secondary school child.

Personally, I couldn't afford to take the loss if I was paying for a child that isn't mine who might pull out at the last minute. If the dad was paying it would be different. I can understand why you'd want a trip with your own children and not have the worry of a child becoming homesick part way through. I also understand how unfair it will feel to the child missing out. Hard one to get right for everybody.

@Youseethethingis

This might be a wild stab in the dark here, but my guess is that OP doesn't want to ask the question, have the child say yes because it's a whole year away and she gets immediate brownie points for showing willing, then OP spends the next year stewing and dreading the almost inevitable fun and games in the lead up to the holiday instead of looking forward to it. Knowing that their is a strong possibility she has just wasted a chunk of her inheritance on nothing.

To be honest exactly this yes.

It’s to easy to say yes when it’s a year away. Different when it’s a few weeks away.

[quote DuchessDarty]@TwinsAndTrifle where are you getting a lot of this from? It’s not the OP’s posts.

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

The OP’s children are 7 & 10. And you say they’ll be stuck in the baby section?

The Ex didn’t back out of her DD going to the Lake District - the OP and her DP booked it before checking if the girl was free.

Where does the OP say her DD has been allowed to cancel things as she pleases?[/quote]
She backed out of the one before.

This one we asked but she wasn’t free. We booked it anyway as it’s the only weekend we can do that month due to work.

She has said no to multiple things.

@funinthesun19

Apparently now my only role is step mum, not mum, wife, daughter, niece, auntie or even just a women.

I wonder if one of those is allowed to be gifted money.

I think some people are a bit threatened by a stepmum having large amounts of her own money and spending it on whatever she likes.
All seems a bit 1950s doesn’t it?

They would all be crying if they knew our joint savings account was in my sole name then

The shock! The horror!

This might be a wild stab in the dark here, but my guess is that OP doesn't want to ask the question, have the child say yes because it's a whole year away and she gets immediate brownie points for showing willing, then OP spends the next year stewing and dreading the almost inevitable fun and games in the lead up to the holiday instead of looking forward to it. Knowing that their is a strong possibility she has just wasted a chunk of her inheritance on nothing.

Honestly I cannot blame her at all.

The thing is, if it was her own 13 year old he or she would get a choice a year down the line. They would be going like it or not and in the end they would enjoy it anyway. As a mum she would be able to remain firm and tell her child it’s tough.
We all know with stepchildren we are powerless and that’s the difference. A year down the line the OP won’t be able to force her stepdaughter to go like she would her own.
So that caution about asking her now going ahead and booking her on it and potentially wasting loads of money is understandable.

This really has bugger all to do with the OP not wanting her stepdaughter there but I guess the hesitance towards booking DSD on fits some people’s narrative perfectly

As in, he should have done exactly the same as he would have if his daughter with op suddenly decided last minute she couldn’t be bothered and wanted to stay home. She is his daughter and his responsibility and if he is just standing by and letting her cancel then that’s his fault. Last time she cancelled she would have been presumably about the same age as op’s eldest - her behaviour being allowed is her parent’s fault, and her father is one of her parents.

Again, talk us through this, instead of the vague "oh, he should parent "

Because his resident children, he has their passports. If they play up on the morning, they're going, regardless.

Tell us exactly what he does when, on the morning, the teenage DD decides she doesn't want to go anymore and the mother won't hand over the passport.

would get a choice a year down the line.

WOULD’T

WOULDN’T

Ffs 🙄

Two options.

1. invite DSC.

2. don't go

To go but not invite her would be intolerably awful of you.