To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

How can missing the opportunity to holiday with her Dad be justified by some sort of re-equalising (see OP's previous post).

That isn't how things work.

Your DH has three children. To take two away and not offer the third the same opportunity would be appalling. It sends a clear message that the third child means less to him than the other two. OP- if the thought of that doesn't appall you then you are part of the problem.

It's very simple- DSD should be asked if she would like to go, and be made to feel welcomed.

If she wants to go then leaving her behind is horrible and sends a clear message that she's not wanted.

@TwinsAndTrifle

Her and her mother’s previous actions? The mother’s maybe but telling the DSD her own actions have contributed is a bloody harsh and unfair thing to say

Well it depends how you tell her, doesn't it.

Letting a 13yr old know that accepting an invitation so someone spends thousands on her having a holiday, for her back out of it when the time comes, (when she's got previous for doing similar on smaller scale) is not ok, is neither harsh no unfair.

Plus, now knowing she's been before. Is going again shortly after OP goes, and is most likely going to cancel (either directly from the mother, or the mother actively discouraging her) all adds to it being more sensible for OP not to risk thousands on her place, just to satisfy the fact that she'll miss an extra trip to Disney with her dad, immediately before she goes with her mum.

In your response you said to let her know why, because of her actions. But the 'actions' were her mother pulling out ONCE of sending her daughter - that was three years ago, and not the daughter's decision. This is what the OP wrote about it:

she was 10 when the last holiday got refused last minute. It was a log cabin with a hot tub type holiday near Xmas. Her mum decided she wanted to do something Xmas related with her instead so said she couldn’t go.

It would be fine to tell SD that if she says yes she can't back out (which is not what you're saying), but to tell she can't go because she backed out before - when that wasn't her choice - would be cruel.

To say she is most likely going to cancel based on ONE experience is not great logic, not enough data there.

Exactly. At 13+ it would be bloody rude of her to back out.

Yes it would. But I think you've misunderstood several posts @funinthesun19

Firstly, If you read what the OP has written that I've quote above, her step daughter has never backed out Her not going on the holiday three years ago was her mother's decision and at 10 she wouldn't have been able to over-rule that.

Secondly, @TwinsAndTrifle was not saying the SD should be asked to go and not given a choice to back out, she was saying the SD should be told she wasn't going.

To misquote, you can't blame the daughter for the sins of the mother.

There's a bit missing in the first line of my post. It should read: "In your response you said to tell her why she wasn't being invited."

I won’t invite her - if her mum was more reliable it’s a different matter.

Most of the replies are unreasonable and ridiculous

@OllyBJolly

OP, if this was the about the cost, I'd tell you to head over to www.thedibb.co.uk and find ways to book that would make it much more flexible and value for money. We took 11 family members to Disney and chopped and changed up until the last minute. The changes cost us £200.

But it's not about the cost, is it? You don't want her to come because you want to play happy families with her dad and your "real" children. Poor child.

Bloody hell, that's a bit unfair. Do you know the OP personally to make assumptions like that or have you just branded her the'wicked stepmother' in your own narrative because it's easy and you just don't approve?

@hellywelly3

You absolutely have to invite her. It’s irrelevant whether she comes or not, don’t think of it as a waste of money

Why wouldn't you think of losing thousands on a package holiday booking a waste of money?

@Handsoffstrikesagain

That is heartbreaking old. The same happened to my friends DD. The bio parent in these situations is weak and pathetic to see their own children hurt like this.

Jesus., so you judge everyone this way without having ever met them?

@hellywelly3

You absolutely have to invite her. It’s irrelevant whether she comes or not, don’t think of it as a waste of money

Irrelevant to you because it’s not your money!

I bet you never tip either.

I agree DSD should be invited. I can see why that’s annoying for you OPbut it’s the best thing to do.

However, while all DC should be treated equally by their parents as DSD will now get 2 trips to Disney rather than 1 we do need to acknowledge that it just isn’t possibly to have fairness amongst DC that live in different family units.

@freckles20

How can missing the opportunity to holiday with her Dad be justified by some sort of re-equalising (see OP's previous post).

That isn't how things work.

Your DH has three children. To take two away and not offer the third the same opportunity would be appalling. It sends a clear message that the third child means less to him than the other two. OP- if the thought of that doesn't appall you then you are part of the problem.

It's very simple- DSD should be asked if she would like to go, and be made to feel welcomed.

If she wants to go then leaving her behind is horrible and sends a clear message that she's not wanted.

You do realise that lots of blended families don’t all go away together?

She’s made to feel welcome every time she comes over so sorry that doesn’t fit the twisted plot in your head.

Things are never black and white when it comes to having two families.

Also not everyone likes the same type of holiday. I must be an awful DP as cannot wait until DS is 16 then we can go on walking holidays with the dog and leave him at home which I think we'd all much prefer.
We'll still do wider family holidays which he enjoys and a foreign trip if he'll deign to come, but honestly paying a fortune to drag a teen on a theme park based holiday when they don't particularly like theme parks and are already going with their DM, seems a bit silly.

OP maybe with the money that would have been used for her- if she decides not to come - could be used for a UK break. £2-3k would get an amazing UK rental with hot tub and all mod cons that she might enjoy a lot more.

@Kanaloa

I don’t understand why some people even bother to post. If you thought it was totally acceptable and didn’t want to hear any opinions to the contrary, then why post at all? Just book your holiday and leave stepdaughter at home, as it seems you’ve pretty much made up your mind to do that anyway.

I have listened to others opinions though and after listening to them I’m still on the fence as there just isn’t anyway to guarantee she doesn’t pull out OR if she actually does come but doesn’t want to how do we stop her walking around with a pissy face for 3 weeks ruining what is a 15k holiday for everyone else!

That’s also a huge worry that if by some miracle she comes and mum plays ball but changes her mind and we force her then she’s going to walk around with a miserable face for 3 weeks, constantly on her phone and getting upset because she doesn’t actually want to be there. It’s going to be hot as well which makes things 10x worse too.

Il be able to gage her reaction. If she turns her nose up and says something negative then il know she won’t be bothered about not coming
The more you write, the more obvious it becomes that all you are doing is looking for justifications and ways to avoid her going. You are prepared to ask questions in a devious way hoping her response can then be interpreted, conveniently, that she wouldn't enjoy the trip, when you could clearly just show her the brochures and just ask'do you think you'd enjoy this'.

You dont want her to go. Most likely because you don't want to pay for her, but also maybe because you like the idea of having just your little family to make these inevitable lifetime memories. You are trying hard to come up with ways to convince your OH that he has no guilt to feel about it.

Then when your SD stops coming because she's hurt, angry and upset, you'll find yet other ways to absolve any responsibilities and blame her mum.

Stop pretending to yourself and everyone else. People are not fooled. Either embrace your wishes and decision to exclude her or ask her directly. Indeed, she might very well not want to go, because she will have done it already, because it won't be as much fun with the younger siblings, because she prefers to spend time at home with her friends. That would be the perfect outcome. If she jumps for joy and says she's really excited to share with experience with her dad, you and siblings, then you'll need to accept that she can't be excluded, or doing so will be causing a drift that will likely never repair itself.

@rookiemere

Also not everyone likes the same type of holiday. I must be an awful DP as cannot wait until DS is 16 then we can go on walking holidays with the dog and leave him at home which I think we'd all much prefer. We'll still do wider family holidays which he enjoys and a foreign trip if he'll deign to come, but honestly paying a fortune to drag a teen on a theme park based holiday when they don't particularly like theme parks and are already going with their DM, seems a bit silly.

OP maybe with the money that would have been used for her- if she decides not to come - could be used for a UK break. £2-3k would get an amazing UK rental with hot tub and all mod cons that she might enjoy a lot more.

We already offered her to come To a hot tub break over a lake this year in November but her mum declined as it’s her nans birthday that weekend which we didn’t know. We booked the bigger cabin so if anyone changes their mind closer to the time she can come.

@rookiemere if my dad said to me, just to let you know I’m taking my 2 most recent children to Disney world for 3 weeks but not you, because your mum put a spanner in the works of a short break 3/4 years ago… but don’t worry, I’ll book a constellation break of a hot tub rental with mod cons ??? Jesus wept! How devastating for a teen, also if Disney world is an issue because of a previous U.K. break not happening, why on earth would another U.K. break happen?? I feel so sorry for this child

To misquote, you can't blame the daughter for the sins of the mother
And to be fair, we don't even know the full details of the circumstances. Considering how desperate OP seems to be to find justifications to not take DSD, I wouldn't be totally surprised if there were reasons why SD's mum back out, or even really did.

@Ohanaa so you accommodated her on that one? But you won’t for Disney world? Sounds like you just don’t want to spend the money on her, in that case I wouldn’t take anyone if I wasn’t willing to pay for all.

as there just isn’t anyway to guarantee she doesn’t pull out OR if she actually does come but doesn’t want to how do we stop her walking around with a pissy face for 3 weeks ruining what is a 15k holiday for everyone else!
There are no guarantees that this won't happen with your kids either. As a matter of fact, I think the likelihood is that it will be your youngest who will find it all too much and overwhelming considering your planned itinerary.

@vivainsomnia

Il be able to gage her reaction. If she turns her nose up and says something negative then il know she won’t be bothered about not coming The more you write, the more obvious it becomes that all you are doing is looking for justifications and ways to avoid her going. You are prepared to ask questions in a devious way hoping her response can then be interpreted, conveniently, that she wouldn't enjoy the trip, when you could clearly just show her the brochures and just ask'do you think you'd enjoy this'.

You dont want her to go. Most likely because you don't want to pay for her, but also maybe because you like the idea of having just your little family to make these inevitable lifetime memories. You are trying hard to come up with ways to convince your OH that he has no guilt to feel about it.

Then when your SD stops coming because she's hurt, angry and upset, you'll find yet other ways to absolve any responsibilities and blame her mum.

Stop pretending to yourself and everyone else. People are not fooled. Either embrace your wishes and decision to exclude her or ask her directly. Indeed, she might very well not want to go, because she will have done it already, because it won't be as much fun with the younger siblings, because she prefers to spend time at home with her friends. That would be the perfect outcome. If she jumps for joy and says she's really excited to share with experience with her dad, you and siblings, then you'll need to accept that she can't be excluded, or doing so will be causing a drift that will likely never repair itself.

I don’t need to show her a bloody brochure. She’s 13 and knows what Disney is.

I like the thought of having great memories full stop. I can guarantee that with my two children of course. I can’t if DSC mum plays stupid twat games on the run up. It makes a stressful time planning a trip even worse. I don’t want that of course but it seems to be no matter what I’m in for a lose/lose/lose.

Evil if not invited
Evil if invited and it’s a yes and her mum pulls out
Evil if we force a child which will ruin the trip for everyone then.

I know her. I know she won’t be jumping up and down for joy for a theme park holiday as it’s not her thing.

Well yes @Hppymum123 it's somewhat cheaper to add in an extra bedroom to a UK booking to keeping a spare place on an Orlando trip which will be a minimum of £2-3k.

@vivainsomnia

as there just isn’t anyway to guarantee she doesn’t pull out OR if she actually does come but doesn’t want to how do we stop her walking around with a pissy face for 3 weeks ruining what is a 15k holiday for everyone else! There are no guarantees that this won't happen with your kids either. As a matter of fact, I think the likelihood is that it will be your youngest who will find it all too much and overwhelming considering your planned itinerary.

You don’t know my kids. I do and I know they will be fine

Why is it so hard to imagine that some mothers are absolutely awful people who manipulate and hurt their own kids to get back at exes? Or to hurt a perfectly normal step mum who is trying to do her best but already has had her fingers burned

@Ohanaa you have had a few really constructive comments that could be really helpful in navigating this.

I think you know she won’t want this kind of holiday for a number of reasons, so find a good time for you and her dad to sit with her and talk things through

She IS already going on holiday to the USA with her mum, doing something she wants to do. You know she won’t want 3 weeks away, or to do rollercoaster rides, so talk it through with her and I’m sure you’ll be able to manage this situation without anyone getting hurt or upset.

We’ve had similar, but the damage done by the dc mother was just too much and she was getting really messed up with it all.

Realistically it’s a risk you take though. I can’t just leave my eldest son at home because he can be a moody so and so and he might ruin our holiday. I have to take that risk, and if he is moody then I parent him, find out what’s up, what can I do to help.

And if you’re so totally sure she would hate this holiday, then she’ll obviously say no, so just invite her, let her turn it down, and it’s literally a win/win situation.