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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 20:03

@Nayday

Well if she says no every year *@Ohanaa* it doesn't really make any difference about the price tag does it? Hmm. Clearly she has a max spend value on her head though, nice.
Well yes there’s only so much money anyone is willing to lose.
OP posts:
us3rn · 12/07/2021 20:04

@Ohanaa how apt, isn't that off lilo and stitch, something about it meaning family and no one gets left behind?

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 20:07

[quote us3rn]@Ohanaa how apt, isn't that off lilo and stitch, something about it meaning family and no one gets left behind? [/quote]
Iv already answered this before.

At least read all my replies before repeating what others have said which has no significance to my question

OP posts:
us3rn · 12/07/2021 20:09

@Ohanaa no thank you

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 20:10

[quote us3rn]@Ohanaa no thank you [/quote]
Oh well. You’re the one that looks a fool.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 12/07/2021 20:12

[quote us3rn]@Ohanaa no thank you [/quote]
Oh my God @us3rn you surely win the award for the most idiotic response.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 20:18

It's funny because it's always the posters who give out vile personal attacks who seem to take the moral highground and tell ops how awful they are. Pot. Kettle.

wishawish91 · 12/07/2021 20:20

21 days to do 10 parks? You're all going to be exhausted firstly, the heat is a game changer.

I've been going to Florida since I was born, I have family out there, last time I did the parks we went to Universal, Disney and Busch Gardens about 6 years ago, we needed two days for Disney and Universal. 1 for Busch was enough and was on our way back to Miami where family are based and where our villa was.

For 3 weeks in Florida you are looking at £2500 per week for 2 adults and 3 children minimum for food, the gifts the kids will want at the parks etc. So that's £7500 plus 10 parks? Add another £5000 for family tickets? Flights £500 each cheapest? You're looking at a £17,000-£20,000 holiday including where your staying and flights. It's madness to me.

In 2019, I went with family and a few friends and took £1000 a week spending money and it was just enough to eat and buy a couple of treats/have a few drinks out.

You can't not invite your SD, she's your children's sister and your Husband's daughter. Imagine how you'd feel 😔 at least give her the option and if she's 13 she's old enough to know how much it'll cost if she changes mind last minute.

wishawish91 · 12/07/2021 20:24

@Redbluegold

Could you say "were booking a holiday for next year ans want to know if yiu/DSC would like to come. It will be about 3 weeks but not 100% sure where we are going yet? Would you like to come?" Might be more likely to get a no if they don't know where they're going.
What a cruel thing to do, child thinks they're going to Cornwall for 3 weeks but then finds out when it's too late it's Disneyworld and a holiday of a lifetime. Please don't ever become a stepmother.
funinthesun19 · 12/07/2021 20:29

It’s ok when it’s a couple hundred and even then it’s actually not ok ... but a couple of grand?

Ohhh it’s ok because at least she’ll have had the all important invite at least Hmm

It would one big waste of money. That’s big money that could be spent elsewhere.

If it’s not an absolute certain that DSD is coming, then it’s not fair to expect you to spend that kind of money on a MAYBE.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2021 20:32

Clearly she has a max spend value on her head though, nice

Losing a few grand is taking the bloody piss even for a stepchild, yes.

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 20:41

@Nayday

Well if she says no every year *@Ohanaa* it doesn't really make any difference about the price tag does it? Hmm. Clearly she has a max spend value on her head though, nice.
Of course she does. Everyone does. There's only so much money I'm willing to spend on anyone if I can't afford to lose it.
whatthejiggeries · 12/07/2021 20:49

@Ohanaa I don't think a packet of sweets is comparible to a holiday is it? Would you leave one of your kids behind if they didn't like rollercoasters and didn't want to be away from home for three weeks. In fact would you arrange for someone to watch your DC and just go without them anyway without even giving them the option to come? No. It's not a packet of sweets it's a family holiday and she is part of your family.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2021 20:59

I don't think a packet of sweets is comparible to a holiday is it? Would you leave one of your kids behind if they didn't like rollercoasters and didn't want to be away from home for three weeks. In fact would you arrange for someone to watch your DC and just go without them anyway without even giving them the option to come? No. It's not a packet of sweets it's a family holiday and she is part of your family.

This isn’t about OP simply not wanting DSD to come on the holiday though is it? It sounds like she actually does, because her only reason for not wanting to book DSD on is the extremely high risk that she will lose a substantial amount of money. Anyone in her shoes would feel exactly the same, and whoever wouldn’t mind either has money to burn or is a mug.

BreakfastClub80 · 12/07/2021 21:31

I think you need to ask your DSD, it would be really horrible to just not invite her. She’s 13 so firstly it’s been a few years since her mum pulled her stunt of changing things at the last minute and also she’s old enough that you can explain the situation in terms of needing a firm commitment one way or the other. To simply exclude her based on her mother’s actions seems cruel.

DeRigueurMortis · 12/07/2021 21:36

The child has by all account never been on holiday without her mother.

3 weeks is a hell of a long time.

What happens if she goes and is terribly homesick? So you spend more money to put her on a supervised flight back home or have to deal with a distressed child for the duration of the holiday - ruining it for everyone?

A key factor for me is that's she's already going on fantastic holiday with her mum. It's not a case of her not having a holiday at all (and also note she's been before unlike the OP's children).

However there's a very significant risk of money being wasted or a holiday ruined.

For disclosure, yes I'm a SM and for the record SC have always been invited on holidays. I've loved spending time all together. It's absolutely the ideal.

But I've never been in the OP's shoes as my SC's mother is an utterly decent person who'd never pull a stunt like pulling children out of a pre-booked/agreed holiday or discouraging SC from going.

SC equally have always wanted to to come and never changed their minds or had separation anxiety.

The OP's children have just as much right to a great holiday as their half sibling.

The more I consider the matter I think a pp's advice of saying (paraphrasing) "your half siblings got excited about you going to Florida so we've decided to take them so they can enjoy it too and afterwards we can all catch up together and see each other's photos" is a good one.

It re-enforces this isn't personal to her - but an equalising of opportunity for her half siblings.

DuchessDarty · 12/07/2021 21:38

@TwinsAndTrifle

This not inviting that child will have her feeling like her Dad doesn’t see her as important as his new family.

Except the truth is they are wanting her to come but not have the mother pull a stunt, or her back track just before the trip to waste thousands of pounds.

The child needs to understand very clearly why there is a problem. Her, and her mother's previous actions. And nothing to do with her father or OP.

To dress it up like she's not coming because the father doesn't see her as important is a lie, and she shouldn't be lied too. She just won't like the truth.

“Her and her mother’s previous actions?” The mother’s maybe but telling the DSD her own actions have contributed is a bloody harsh and unfair thing to say.

The girl is only 13. She’s not wanted to be away from her mother in the past. That’s fine, it’s not “an action” that should result in a punitive future consequence. If that’s a factor in not inviting her, then the blindingly obvious solution is to ask her and see what she wants to do,

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 21:51

@DeRigueurMortis

The child has by all account never been on holiday without her mother.

3 weeks is a hell of a long time.

What happens if she goes and is terribly homesick? So you spend more money to put her on a supervised flight back home or have to deal with a distressed child for the duration of the holiday - ruining it for everyone?

A key factor for me is that's she's already going on fantastic holiday with her mum. It's not a case of her not having a holiday at all (and also note she's been before unlike the OP's children).

However there's a very significant risk of money being wasted or a holiday ruined.

For disclosure, yes I'm a SM and for the record SC have always been invited on holidays. I've loved spending time all together. It's absolutely the ideal.

But I've never been in the OP's shoes as my SC's mother is an utterly decent person who'd never pull a stunt like pulling children out of a pre-booked/agreed holiday or discouraging SC from going.

SC equally have always wanted to to come and never changed their minds or had separation anxiety.

The OP's children have just as much right to a great holiday as their half sibling.

The more I consider the matter I think a pp's advice of saying (paraphrasing) "your half siblings got excited about you going to Florida so we've decided to take them so they can enjoy it too and afterwards we can all catch up together and see each other's photos" is a good one.

It re-enforces this isn't personal to her - but an equalising of opportunity for her half siblings.

I really like the way that’s been phrased at the bottom. Depending on what we decide I think that’s a good way to phrase it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 21:57

[quote whatthejiggeries]@Ohanaa I don't think a packet of sweets is comparible to a holiday is it? Would you leave one of your kids behind if they didn't like rollercoasters and didn't want to be away from home for three weeks. In fact would you arrange for someone to watch your DC and just go without them anyway without even giving them the option to come? No. It's not a packet of sweets it's a family holiday and she is part of your family. [/quote]
The sweets was in response to a poster saying I should treat DSC and my DC exactly the same and that was just to show in reality that’s not possible.

The situation you have spoke about isn’t comparable to the one I’m in. Both my kids like rollercoasters, both live with me and I wouldn’t let mine back out of trips just because either.

OP posts:
TwinsAndTrifle · 12/07/2021 22:20

Her and her mother’s previous actions? The mother’s maybe but telling the DSD her own actions have contributed is a bloody harsh and unfair thing to say

Well it depends how you tell her, doesn't it.

Letting a 13yr old know that accepting an invitation so someone spends thousands on her having a holiday, for her back out of it when the time comes, (when she's got previous for doing similar on smaller scale) is not ok, is neither harsh no unfair.

Plus, now knowing she's been before. Is going again shortly after OP goes, and is most likely going to cancel (either directly from the mother, or the mother actively discouraging her) all adds to it being more sensible for OP not to risk thousands on her place, just to satisfy the fact that she'll miss an extra trip to Disney with her dad, immediately before she goes with her mum.

Nayday · 12/07/2021 22:26

@DeRigueurMortis gosh you really don't understand children do you?

Come back in 5 years OP and tell us how this all works out for you. (Spoilers: the relationship with DSD was mysteriously strained, probs down to her mother no doubt).

Anyway, you've made your mind up, listened to those that agree with you, ignored grown step-children and we'll informed step parents, abdicated all responsibility from your DH. Good luck, and hopefully your SD will be oblivious to all of this, guess it's worth a reminder that she's innocent in this, and not to blame for the drama of the adults around her.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2021 22:47

Letting a 13yr old know that accepting an invitation so someone spends thousands on her having a holiday, for her back out of it when the time comes, (when she's got previous for doing similar on smaller scale) is not ok, is neither harsh no unfair.

Exactly. At 13+ it would be bloody rude of her to back out.

The op has even said that her own children wouldn’t get a choice and that’s absolutely right. I don’t think the stepdaughter should get a choice either. I think once she says yes she wants to go then she should just suck it up and go on the holiday if she suddenly decides she doesn’t want to go closer to the time.

And yes I think the mother would be in the wrong too if she sided with her daughter’s wants to not go on the holiday, knowing her child’s father has booked, planned and paid all that money. If it was her taking her daughter to a massive holiday you can bet all of your money she wouldn’t be giving her a choice.

DeRigueurMortis · 12/07/2021 23:14

[quote Nayday]@DeRigueurMortis gosh you really don't understand children do you?

Come back in 5 years OP and tell us how this all works out for you. (Spoilers: the relationship with DSD was mysteriously strained, probs down to her mother no doubt).

Anyway, you've made your mind up, listened to those that agree with you, ignored grown step-children and we'll informed step parents, abdicated all responsibility from your DH. Good luck, and hopefully your SD will be oblivious to all of this, guess it's worth a reminder that she's innocent in this, and not to blame for the drama of the adults around her.[/quote]

I politely disagree and so would both my children and my SC Grin.

Kanaloa · 12/07/2021 23:31

I don’t understand why some people even bother to post. If you thought it was totally acceptable and didn’t want to hear any opinions to the contrary, then why post at all? Just book your holiday and leave stepdaughter at home, as it seems you’ve pretty much made up your mind to do that anyway.

IHaveBrilloHair · 12/07/2021 23:37

Is there any chance you could wait another year and start talking to her about it now?

It's all well and good for people to say she can't back out, but of course you can't make her, and if she's miserable none of you will have a good time.

If her, and her Mum have had a years notice before booking it will be much easier to gauge whether taking her will be something that she'll enjoy.