Page 20 | To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

Ohanaa · 2021-07-12T08:00:41+00:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10) We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no. We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year. Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before). I don’t want to waste money to be honest. Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

vivainsomnia · 12/07/2021 17:55

she was 10 when the last holiday got refused last minute
There's a massive difference between a 10yo and 13yo. The previous holiday was just before Xmas too, which would have had an impact.

She will be much more able to appreciate the concept of the consequences of cancelling the trip at the last minute. Mum will of course have to say yes in the first place, but assuming she does, that the 13yo is told of the consequences, and that she does show enthusiasm, it is pretty clear that the damage that the result of not inviting her at all and feeling completely rejected is much more of a likely outcome than her cancelling at the last minute.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 18:27

@whatthejiggeries

Mum not nun. If you don't want to deal with someone else's kids don't marry a man who has them. Simple

Bingo!!!!

TwinsAndTrifle · 12/07/2021 18:39

If she doesn’t come then the reason needs to be clear so that it doesn’t make your DH look like the guilty party.

She should know that it’s her mum at fault and who is being obstructive towards dsd going on holiday with you, so that in years to come it will be her mum to blame.

This. With bells on. Because it's the truth.

Anonymous48 · 12/07/2021 18:57

Have you even broached it with her and asked her if she would want to come? Absolutely she should be invited and it should be made clear to her that you want her there. But it sounds like at this point you're just making assumptions about whether or not she wants to go with you.

You and your husband should discuss it with her, talk about what you're thinking about doing and see how she reacts. If she does want to go make it clear that you're thrilled about that but also that she has to be sure and can't change her mind. (Give her a little time to think about it if you think she might need it.) If she does want to go with you then at that point your husband should raise it with her mother and work out the details.

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:13

[quote whatthejiggeries]@HalfTermHalfTerm I am suprised I need to elaborate. If you marry a man with kids you need to treat them as you do your own. Not inviting them on holiday is a shitty thing to do [/quote]
I don’t agree at all I’m afraid. I do not think I need to treat my DSC exactly the same as I treat my own children. I bought both my kids a pack of sweets today, should I of picked up a pack for DSC for when she’s next over ?

Daughter had a new top last week and son a pair of shorts ... should I of picked up my DSC a item
Of clothing too.

It just doesn’t work like that even if you want to make it try to sound so simple!

I have very valid reasons and it’s all her mums fault to be honest.

OP posts:

Lurcherloves · 12/07/2021 19:14

You should invite her as not doing so will impact her relationship with her DF and siblings and indeed you for ever really. These things are important to kids.
I feel sorry for her

Lurcherloves · 12/07/2021 19:15

OP you sound pretty nasty towards DSC. whilst you do not have to treat them the same you do have to give them adequate consideration and be aware of the emotional impact of your behaviour.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 19:17

@Lurcherloves

OP you sound pretty nasty towards DSC. whilst you do not have to treat them the same you do have to give them adequate consideration and be aware of the emotional impact of your behaviour.

What has given you that impression? She's said nothing nasty.

OllyBJolly · 12/07/2021 19:18

Interesting also the vitriol directed to the OP but none for the mother sabotaging her child's holiday with her father

The mother isn't on the thread and will likely have an entirely different perspective on the situation.

Why is there no concern about the girl not wanting to/being comfortable with spend time with her dad?

KimchiLaLa · 12/07/2021 19:23

You will have to invite her, but make it clear to the mum that you will be losing money if she doesn't go last minute and that the mother will have to stump up for that if she pulls her out. I would say that is reasonable.

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:30

@OllyBJolly

Interesting also the vitriol directed to the OP but none for the mother sabotaging her child's holiday with her father

The mother isn't on the thread and will likely have an entirely different perspective on the situation.

Why is there no concern about the girl not wanting to/being comfortable with spend time with her dad?

Iv clearly stated that our time is court ordered already as her mum wanted my OH to have nothing to do with DSC and she wanted him to walk away! He never and went to court to get access.

She only ever says she will miss her mum and she is happy how things are so we don’t push for her to come away on extra day trips if she doesn’t want to come.

For a child that’s so uncomfortable around him and me Iv had 18 whats apps from her today alone which she started sending before she even went to school. We make her feel so uncomfortable that she even sent messages asking if we can bake this weekend and would I buy the ingredients for it.

OP posts:

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 19:31

@Lurcherloves

You should invite her as not doing so will impact her relationship with her DF and siblings and indeed you for ever really. These things are important to kids. I feel sorry for her

Why do you feel sorry for her? Her mum is taking her away on holiday. Do you feel sorry for her because someone who is not her parent is thinking of not taking her on holiday because last time they flaked out?

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:32

@KimchiLaLa

You will have to invite her, but make it clear to the mum that you will be losing money if she doesn't go last minute and that the mother will have to stump up for that if she pulls her out. I would say that is reasonable.

But how can I make her pay up?

That is reasonable but how are we meant to make her pay if she pulls out ? Realistically?

We can’t and wouldn’t deduct it from her child maintenance so how ....

OP posts:

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 19:32

We make her feel so uncomfortable that she even sent messages asking if we can bake this weekend and would I buy the ingredients for it. aw that's cute!

Redbluegold · 12/07/2021 19:37

Could you say "were booking a holiday for next year ans want to know if yiu/DSC would like to come. It will be about 3 weeks but not 100% sure where we are going yet? Would you like to come?" Might be more likely to get a no if they don't know where they're going.

Nayday · 12/07/2021 19:40

Where's the dad in this? and if he's your 'D'H - surely is your joint money and so joint decision as parents in a blended family? But no, as usual, the DH is in the background, somehow sidestepping it all and with no discernable responsibility or ownership of this situation despite his kid and finances being involved. If it was my child and their step-dad didn't want to invite them - well that wouldn't be happening, I'd be stepping up to address my partners concerns and make it happen.

There's lots of justification on your part, resentment and money involved but ultimately you're going to quite possibly alienate a 13 year old child, blame her mum for the decision- whilst your feckless husband goes along with it all, absolved of any actual responsibility.
And to roll out a mumsnet classic - you have a DH problem, not an ex-wife.

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:43

I think the next time she’s over I’m
Going to drop into conversation and ask her why is she going to just universal and not Disney as well.

Il be able to gage her reaction. If she turns her nose up and says something negative then il know she won’t be bothered about not coming.
If she mentions a different reason about money etc or time then me and my OH will have a further talk.

I do like the idea of trying to overlap the holidays slightly but I’d imagine that would be impossible as we are looking to go at a certain time due to work commitments and school holidays

Thanks for everyone’s input. Even the ones that think I’m evil.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:46

@Nayday

Where's the dad in this? and if he's your 'D'H - surely is your joint money and so joint decision as parents in a blended family? But no, as usual, the DH is in the background, somehow sidestepping it all and with no discernable responsibility or ownership of this situation despite his kid and finances being involved. If it was my child and their step-dad didn't want to invite them - well that wouldn't be happening, I'd be stepping up to address my partners concerns and make it happen.

There's lots of justification on your part, resentment and money involved but ultimately you're going to quite possibly alienate a 13 year old child, blame her mum for the decision- whilst your feckless husband goes along with it all, absolved of any actual responsibility.
And to roll out a mumsnet classic - you have a DH problem, not an ex-wife.

I think her mums done enough alienating for all of us.

She also wasn’t his ex-wife. They never even lived together.

OP posts:

Nayday · 12/07/2021 19:47

You could just massively simplify it, and you know - ask her. As you've done every other year...

us3rn · 12/07/2021 19:47

Yabu, you have knew this child since she was 3 years old at least, considering your oldest DC with your partner is 10. Surely you see her like your own at this point? I wouldn't and couldn't imagine treating my step-son like this

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:55

@Nayday

You could just massively simplify it, and you know - ask her. As you've done every other year...

Difference is the price tag connected to this years.

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 12/07/2021 19:56

OP the way you speak about your DSD is like she’s an adult
“If she turns her nose up I’ll know she’s not bothered about not being invited”

She’s 13. She’s a child.

You’re going to take your and her dads children on a holiday of a lifetime and you’re going to leave her out of it. Happily it seems.

Go ahead, justify it all to yourself but you ARE in the wrong here.

What you should do is sit down with her and explain that you are planning a very special trip - tell her what it involves, how long it would be for and how long she’d be away from her mum and say you’d love her to come but realise it’s a big decision so think about it and let’s discuss it next week.

You don’t try to blame her for the decision to not take her “oh if she turns her nose up”…. Teenagers turn their noses up at everything - it’s their bloody nature. They act like everything is uncool, that they are mortified by life itself. She’s 13 ffs.

You will surely go down in the hall of fame of seriously shit parents (her dad & you) if you don’t at least sit down and ask her if she’d like to go.
Would you want a new partner to treat your children like that if you and your DH split up?

I’m a step parent so I understand the complex dynamics sometimes but shit you sound hardfaced

NoNever · 12/07/2021 19:57

The evil stepmother going to Disney, how apt.

Anyways, it’s obvious you don’t want her with your “real” family so leave her behind. Don’t forget to make sure your kids tell her how amazing it all was when you get back so she knows exactly where she fits in your family and just how (un)important she is to her dad.

Original poster

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 19:59

@Ohpulltheotherone

OP the way you speak about your DSD is like she’s an adult “If she turns her nose up I’ll know she’s not bothered about not being invited”

She’s 13. She’s a child.

You’re going to take your and her dads children on a holiday of a lifetime and you’re going to leave her out of it. Happily it seems.

Go ahead, justify it all to yourself but you ARE in the wrong here.

What you should do is sit down with her and explain that you are planning a very special trip - tell her what it involves, how long it would be for and how long she’d be away from her mum and say you’d love her to come but realise it’s a big decision so think about it and let’s discuss it next week.

You don’t try to blame her for the decision to not take her “oh if she turns her nose up”…. Teenagers turn their noses up at everything - it’s their bloody nature. They act like everything is uncool, that they are mortified by life itself. She’s 13 ffs.

You will surely go down in the hall of fame of seriously shit parents (her dad & you) if you don’t at least sit down and ask her if she’d like to go.
Would you want a new partner to treat your children like that if you and your DH split up?

I’m a step parent so I understand the complex dynamics sometimes but shit you sound hardfaced

And what happens then if she says yes and last minute she pulls out or her mum says no?

Just suck it up? That’s not good enough. Past actions have consequences.
It’s ok when it’s a couple hundred and even then it’s actually not ok ... but a couple of grand?

OP posts:

Nayday · 12/07/2021 20:01

Well if she says no every year @Ohanaa it doesn't really make any difference about the price tag does it? . Clearly she has a max spend value on her head though, nice.