To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

The SD mum is likely to say a straight out no now based on the length of the holiday and not wanting to take the shine off her later holiday, can’t you or your DH just ask,the other mum directly as it may well all be nipped in the bud now and all this angst would be avoided.
if her mum says no now the decision is made and you can just book your holiday.

Although op you say she hates rides, doesn’t like leaving mum and is ‘too cool’ for Disney, so really she’s likely to not want to go and you still look nice and feel good for inviting her without worrying she’ll drop out at the last minute.

The reason this situation exists is because:

A) the child has rarely wanted to go on holiday with her father in the past, despite being invited.

B) the mother stoped her child attending one U.K. break the cost of which had been heightened because DSD was due to attend and thus money was unnecessarily wasted.

C) for reasons unknown the OP's DH has chosen not to pursue a court order after the event described above to ensure he has the right to take his child on holiday (perhaps he didn't want to waste money on going to court when his DD repeatedly declined to come away with them?)

None of these reasons is the fault of the OP.

Yet the expectation is that she should risk thousands of pounds to avoid hurt feelings or change the holiday plans to centre her DSD's wants to the detriment of everyone else.

Well I'd be feeling pretty hurt about being expected to potentially waste thousands of pounds.

Her DSD and DSD's mother haven't cared about anybody's feelings about wasting money historically or turning down invitations.

Cause and effect. If you treat people a certain way don't expect that not to have consequences - especially about a holiday it doesn't sound like she would enjoy.

The DSD is already going to Disney with her mother. It's not like she's not getting a holiday.

Personally I'd ask her but be very, clear about the implications and activities planned. From what's been posted I think there's a good chance she won't want to go at which point the issue is sorted to everyone's satisfaction.

However if she does then DH needs that court order and before I booked I'd be planning a shorter break ASAP with DSD to test the waters and if that gets screwed up
then Florida is a no.

@Feelingoktoday

I don’t understand these questions. Two adults having a discussion about a holiday next year. Shall we invite all of our kids? No let’s leave one at home......who makes this decision?

Someone like my exh who took himself on holiday with his two "favourite" (read well-behaved/easy to parent) children - leaving the others at home with me ...

@Kanaloa

‘It’s pure and utter entertainment.’

As opposed to what? Is every family holiday supposed to involve the family bringing sketch pads along to the Sistine chapel for quiet drawing followed by a history tour? What’s wrong with entertainment?

My point is that this alleged trip of a lifetime, oh so amazing trip seems to be already causing a lot of stress. This is one of many threads where the whole Disney/Florida seems to cause people to lose their shit in various ways but all in the service of the Great Disney Fantasy.

And no, of course holidays should be predominately fun and entertainment but if I was spending this enormous amount of money which was prompting this kind of angst, I'd want it to do more for us as a family, offer more by way of sparking an interest in something other than manufactured entertainment. An amazing road trip, a safari, a tour of great cities....there is this beautiful amazing world out there to be explored and the doing so might spark an interest in nature or history or art or travel or monster trucks or cooking or foreign languages or an interest in how other people live or any old thing really. I actually do look for my very hard won holidays to do more for me and my children than purely provide entertainment. That this makes me some kind of a pretentious snob by some people's criteria, well I think that says a lot about our culture or lack of.

Okay but it would also cause the same issue and the same amount of guilt if she didn’t want to invite her stepdaughter on her culturally significant tour of the great classical cities. The fact that this holiday is to Disney world is irrelevant.

And it isn’t really your preference in holidays that makes you sound like a pretentious snob - I also prefer city holidays with plenty of culture and history - it’s referring to other people’s choice of holiday as ‘tacky and shallow.’

Genuinely I don't understand why people like you marry men with kids.

@whatthejiggeries

Genuinely I don't understand why people like you marry men with kids.

Are you able to elaborate a bit more on your (very) sweeping statement?

Talk to the kid. It’s just plain mean to leave her out without at least asking what she wants. At that age I would have been devastated not to be asked, and it is not something I would forget.

@whatthejiggeries

Genuinely I don't understand why people like you marry men with kids.

This not inviting that child will have her feeling like her Dad doesn’t see her as important as his new family.

I think the destination of the holiday is of some relevance as it is a major factor in the cost which is obviously an important consideration. I don't suppose the OP would be as concernedabout the possibility of her SD dropping out if it were an inexpensive local trip.
Also, the nature of the holiday has a bearing both on how likely SD is to change her mind and how upset she might be by being excluded. If it was somewhere tgat was her life dream to visit then naturally it would upset her more not to be invited. I woukd have thought a trip to a Disney place is more for young children so maybe she won't mind, but some tactful discussions are needed. Maybe give her some say into a later holiday so she ferls less excluded?

This not inviting that child will have her feeling like her Dad doesn’t see her as important as his new family.

Except the truth is they are wanting her to come but not have the mother pull a stunt, or her back track just before the trip to waste thousands of pounds.

The child needs to understand very clearly why there is a problem. Her, and her mother's previous actions. And nothing to do with her father or OP.

To dress it up like she's not coming because the father doesn't see her as important is a lie, and she shouldn't be lied too. She just won't like the truth.

@whatthejiggeries

Genuinely I don't understand why people like you marry men with kids.

What a silly comment.

This isn't about excluding a child from a holiday to be mean.

It's about a child who historically hasn't wanted to holiday with her father, who doesn't like many of the activities planned for this holiday, a mother whose wasted the OP's money previously by being flaky/belligerent and an OP being asked to risk thousands of pounds on a holiday when said child is already going to Disney (making the risk of her/her mother pulling the plug on the trip more likely).

It's not about being a horrible step parent. It's about doing as best you can with the cards you're dealt.

What people don't ever like on here is when SM's refuse to put SC's on a footing above everything and everyone else.

If your not self flagellating yourself, saying yes to everything at whatever the cost (financial and/or emotional) you're a shitty person.

I'd really love to see how many posters having a go at the OP would actually risk that much of their own money with narrry a care.

@TwinsAndTrifle

This not inviting that child will have her feeling like her Dad doesn’t see her as important as his new family.

Except the truth is they are wanting her to come but not have the mother pull a stunt, or her back track just before the trip to waste thousands of pounds.

The child needs to understand very clearly why there is a problem. Her, and her mother's previous actions. And nothing to do with her father or OP.

To dress it up like she's not coming because the father doesn't see her as important is a lie, and she shouldn't be lied too. She just won't like the truth.

👏👏👏

Exactly this.

@HalfTermHalfTerm I am suprised I need to elaborate. If you marry a man with kids you need to treat them as you do your own. Not inviting them on holiday is a shitty thing to do

If she doesn’t come then the reason needs to be clear so that it doesn’t make your DH look like the guilty party.

She should know that it’s her mum at fault and who is being obstructive towards dsd going on holiday with you, so that in years to come it will be her mum to blame.

How can the nun get the blame for DSD not being invited in a trip?

[quote whatthejiggeries]@HalfTermHalfTerm I am suprised I need to elaborate. If you marry a man with kids you need to treat them as you do your own. Not inviting them on holiday is a shitty thing to do [/quote]

No.

Not inviting them without good reason is a shitty thing to do.

The OP has several thousand good reasons plus a mother who can't be trusted and a child who doesn't like activities planned and has never been away from her mum for 3 weeks (and is already going to Disney with her mum).

Mum not nun. If you don't want to deal with someone else's kids don't marry a man who has them. Simple

@DeRigueurMortis those are not reasons. They are the OP trying to justify why she shouldn't invite her. None of that stops extending an invite they are excuses not to do it

[quote whatthejiggeries]@HalfTermHalfTerm I am suprised I need to elaborate. If you marry a man with kids you need to treat them as you do your own. Not inviting them on holiday is a shitty thing to do [/quote]
If I'd kept cancelling holidays at the last minute costing my actual mum money, I can be sure she'd think twice about inviting me again!

Either go alone with your own children or your DH takes all of his children. You can’t leave one out.

How can the nun get the blame for DSD not being invited in a trip?

The OP has said the mum will stop DSD coming and OP doesn’t want to risk wasting the money.

Personally I think the mum should be told it’s happening and that’s that. DSD is a teenager not a small child. She would love it and she should get to decide for herself whether she goes.

But I can understand why the OP doesn’t want to risk wasting thousands of pounds. I wouldn’t either. This is all on the mum.

[quote whatthejiggeries]@DeRigueurMortis those are not reasons. They are the OP trying to justify why she shouldn't invite her. None of that stops extending an invite they are excuses not to do it [/quote]

I disagree. They are reasons not excuses.

Interesting also the vitriol directed to the OP but none for the mother sabotaging her child's holiday with her father.