To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

I don’t understand why people keep picking up on the first line of my first post. I was simply trying to make it clear that there is one step child and 2 children together.

That’s it.

OP, I think you're getting a very tough time here. I'm a bit taken aback at the amount of comments saying to just invite her and who cares about the money. Easy to not care about someone else's money! There is no way you should be forming out a few thousand when there is even a minor possibility that DSD / her mother will cancel last minute.

Would you be happy to pay for her if she did go with you? If so, then you can invite her but tell her / her mum that if she accepts the invitation, she cannot cancel. If she does cancel, her mum will have to reimburse. In fact, I'd even consider telling her mum that she can come if her mum pays the upfront costs and if DSD comes, then you will pay her back for the flight / accom that you've to pay upfront. At least then there is an incentive there for them to only agree if they are sure DSD will go. There is previous form for cancelling so you would only be right to insist on some sort of insurance from her mum. Her mum might be less inclined to cancel if it means it's impacting her purse!

Sorry that should say FORKING out, not forming out!!!

@FootballisgoingtoRome

Sounds like the OP just wants to pretend the stepchild doesn’t exist

To me it sounds like OP is in a difficult position and is asking for advice becuase she cares about the DSC.

[quote Ohanaa]@theleafandnotthetree I don’t really care if you think the whole Disney thing is tacky or if you don’t know anyone with kids who would like to go there.

Your input had absolutely no relevance to the thread.[/quote]
The relevance is that the whole Disney/Florida thing is elevated to such an extent that to some people (including on this thread) whether your SD goes or doesn't go is some sort of Maginot line in terms of your relationship. Folks it's just a holiday, one that not everyone thinks is the be all and end all of everything, one that many people wouldn't take a present of. I think you are tying yourselves in knots, building this into this huge thing, going for what is probably too long from the SD point of view if you really want her to join you, it's all just too much.

@FootballisgoingtoRome

Invite her she is your husbands child also just we much are your DC

Her husband can pay for her then

@Bibidy

I feel like everyone posting about speaking to SD and her mum and "telling them it's non-negotiable" or "letting them know they've got to stick to it once it's agreed" is just totally ignoring the fact that there is NO way for OP's DH to enforce this??? Which is the crux of the problem.

Even if he takes legal advice, I don't know if he'd be able to take SD out of the UK without her mum's permission.

Exactly, even if SDC promises to come, if she changes her mind what exactly is dad going to do?

@coconutpie

OP, I think you're getting a very tough time here. I'm a bit taken aback at the amount of comments saying to just invite her and who cares about the money. Easy to not care about someone else's money! There is no way you should be forming out a few thousand when there is even a minor possibility that DSD / her mother will cancel last minute.

Would you be happy to pay for her if she did go with you? If so, then you can invite her but tell her / her mum that if she accepts the invitation, she cannot cancel. If she does cancel, her mum will have to reimburse. In fact, I'd even consider telling her mum that she can come if her mum pays the upfront costs and if DSD comes, then you will pay her back for the flight / accom that you've to pay upfront. At least then there is an incentive there for them to only agree if they are sure DSD will go. There is previous form for cancelling so you would only be right to insist on some sort of insurance from her mum. Her mum might be less inclined to cancel if it means it's impacting her purse!

But...where is the incentive for the mum to pay for anything upfront? If she's happy to pull SD out of plans last minute to suit herself then she just isn't going to do it. Because she may not care if SD gets to go/may not want her to go.

Plus she likely wouldn't even be able to afford to do that.

Outside of a court order there is no way to over-rule her mum. And even enforcing the court order will depend on SD being willing to go at her age.

Then in that case, I don't think DSD should be invited at all. If the mum cannot guarantee that DSD will go, then she shouldn't be invited.

The incentive for DSD's mum is that her child will get to enjoy a 3 week holiday with her dad.

I’d personally invite her but make it absolutely clear that it will cost you thousands so she simply can’t back out of this trip at the last minute. I’d get DH to discuss with his ex too and explain the fact it costs thousands you can’t afford to lose (because who can?!). She has to be absolutely certain she wants to come so if there are any doubts, she simply can’t go. See what she says, at 13 it’s likely she won’t be arsed about going there anyway.

Ah so this is about you spending your gift on DH child. Just tell DH she is welcome to come but he’s paying. It is his decision anyway- not yours. Check terms and conditions for cancellation policy. She might not want to go anyway - if she feels she is not welcome

@Ohanaa

I don’t understand why people keep picking up on the first line of my first post. I was simply trying to make it clear that there is one step child and 2 children together.

That’s it.

Aren't your children her actual siblings though? I find it interesting that you keep mentioning the fact that she's your STEP child. She's your partner's child, your children's' sibling. Surely if she's been in your family for ten years you would automatically include her in everything?

Can't you have a conversation with her about it? She's 13 and she would probably appreciate it. Say 'We are booking this holiday and we would love for you to come, but only if that's something you really think you'd like to do. If not we will give you some money to do X or Y'

Ah so this is about you spending your gift on DH child
No, this about potentially wasting the gift on DHs child.

@newomums thanks for your post, it made me laugh.

What I expressed was an opinion re how the OP's justification comes across. Projection is when you take your own unwanted/unacknowledged to yourself emotion and assign it to someone else, so if I'd said something like 'you're just jealous of your DSD's relationship with your DP and don't want her to come' without any evidence for that, and I had a similar situation in my life = projection.

Bit like you projected your lack of knowledge re projection, on to me.

So yeah, um - you should probably work on that 🤣

She's your partner's child, your children's' sibling
And she's OPs step child.
I could have 20 kids by DH and it still wouldn't make my DSD my daughter. What a weird way to look at things.

‘It’s pure and utter entertainment.’

As opposed to what? Is every family holiday supposed to involve the family bringing sketch pads along to the Sistine chapel for quiet drawing followed by a history tour? What’s wrong with entertainment?

Should say we haven’t actually been to Disney world but don’t see the problem if someone wants to go. Surely you’re mature enough to realise that everyone likes different things, even if your ultra-cultured toddler was yearning for holidays with ‘long term benefits.’

@Kanaloa
They could always scream at it as they sketch?

I completely missed the part that says the mother has planned 5 days at Disney shortly after your 3 week trip.

This is very relevant. If she's got form for cancelling anyway, the fact that she's taking DD very soon after, would ring alarm bells to me, that she wouldn't want you and DH to ruin the "magic" for her with your 3 week trip first. You'll have done everything with DD. Then she's paying to be "old hat" a few weeks after?

Yeah, she's not going. Regardless of what they say now. Like the times before, except there's even more reason this time.

The conversation simply needs to be:

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

Omggggg some of these comments, honestly.

I don't believe that all of you people saying OP should just book it up and suck it up would do that in the same situation.

I do not know one person who would spend thousands for someone to come on holiday with them, knowing it's not certain whether they'll actually come or not(!).

I do think a conversation with SD is in order - maybe she will say she isn't interested in the holiday and then there is no issue. However, more likely is that she will say yes but OP and her DH will still not be sure that she will definitely come.

I think the thing that's key is whether this is a regular pattern of behaviour or was it just that one trip that her mum interfered with? If she is very often backing out of pre-arranged things then I would not want to book her onto this holiday. If it was that one time then I'd have the conversations and make a decision from there.

@TwinsAndTrifle

I completely missed the part that says the mother has planned 5 days at Disney shortly after your 3 week trip.

This is very relevant. If she's got form for cancelling anyway, the fact that she's taking DD very soon after, would ring alarm bells to me, that she wouldn't want you and DH to ruin the "magic" for her with your 3 week trip first. You'll have done everything with DD. Then she's paying to be "old hat" a few weeks after?

Yeah, she's not going. Regardless of what they say now. Like the times before, except there's even more reason this time.

The conversation simply needs to be:

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

Yep agree. I think it's highly unlikely SD's mum will respond positively to this trip which, in her eyes, will completely usurp hers.

Surprised (well, not really) at the comments on here suggesting OP should choose/offer up another type of holiday or destination or make it shorter if the DSC/DSC mother wants that in order for the DSC - who has been reluctant to go on holiday in the past - dictates such.

My point is that nobody is giving much consideration to the two children under 10 involved in this plan who think they are going to Florida for 3 weeks (and will only be going once next year and don’t have other choices of holiday. As in Florida with their mum and Gran for 5 days as well). Just wanted to point that out.

Seems weird they're only going to Orlando for 5 days . Is it part of a bigger trip OP ?

@TwinsAndTrifle

I completely missed the part that says the mother has planned 5 days at Disney shortly after your 3 week trip.

This is very relevant. If she's got form for cancelling anyway, the fact that she's taking DD very soon after, would ring alarm bells to me, that she wouldn't want you and DH to ruin the "magic" for her with your 3 week trip first. You'll have done everything with DD. Then she's paying to be "old hat" a few weeks after?

Yeah, she's not going. Regardless of what they say now. Like the times before, except there's even more reason this time.

The conversation simply needs to be:

"Yours and DMs trip to Disney sounds so good, I think we're going to book and go too! It won't be as good as your trip, we can only go on the baby rides, you're so lucky! It's important to us you have the best time and we'd like to give you $200 (?) to really treat yourself, and take loads of pictures for us to see, we're going to be stuck in the little kids section and miss lots of the brilliant things you'll see, so please show us when you get back, we can't wait to see what you get up too!"

Absolutely

@Youseethethingis