To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

Yabu. Poor kid.

Even if he takes legal advice, I don't know if he'd be able to take SD out of the UK without her mum's permission.

Courts can grant permission if one parent is refusing or has previously been difficult about holidays.

No I'm saying the Disney trip is all a bit of a red herring imo. There is clearly realtionship issues in the nrp household, so rather than being all wide eyed about whether she'll want to go or if they'll lose money blah blah the df should perhaps have built bridges and ensured his dd felt included previously, rather than the dsc making what sounds like excuses about not liking rides to get out of previous trips.

I don't think the Disney trip is a red herring, but I do think it adds an extra layer of complexity as it's always regarded as a holiday of a lifetime, a dream holiday, particularly for kids.

Also the holiday likely wouldn't be three weeks long if it was a different location, and the pressure to include SD even if it's against her preference/they know her mum is likely to put the blockers on it would not be so strong.

Does your husband want to go and leave his child for 3 weeks?

Don't invite her, it's a waste of money as she won't go,

Sounds like the OP just wants to pretend the stepchild doesn’t exist

@HeckyPeck

I'm sorry that DSD's mum has been so selfish and created these problems. It's her daughter missing out at the end of the day.

First of all I would have a chat with DSD and explain what the itinerary will be and ask if she'd like to come. She might not fancy it if she doesn't like rollercoasters/Disney which is fair enough.

If she does want to come, given the ex withdrawing consent for holidays before, your DH should apply to court for a variation of the order he has to allow for the holiday and for DSD's passport to be given to him as your holiday is first. He should do that regardless of whether the mum says yes or no. That way, if it's agreed, she can't not allow DSD to go short of refusing to let her leave the house on the day. If she does do that, your DH may be able to pursue her for costs and at the very least go back to court re her breaching the order.

There is still the risk of the mum convincing the daughter to change her mind and that's trickier to deal with.

If you ans your DH have separate finances, I would agree to pay for DSD on the proviso that he applies for the variation and that he pursues his ex or pays me back if that isn't successful.

It's not fair that you should lose thousands of pounds through trying to do the right thing.

I think this is the best advice.

I don't think it's quite as clear cut as some posters want to insist.

It's a long time for the child to be away from her mother and she's already going to Disney.

It's also a lot of money to risk. It's money that's been given as a gift and if I'd have given it I wouldn't be impressed if thousands of pounds was wasted because a child or their mother changed their minds. And it would be thousands. 3 children rather than two is likely to significantly increase the accommodation cost plus all the park tickets (that are often over one hundred pounds each). It's not just risking flights.

It sounds as if the child is of an age that they are able to understand the ramifications of being away for 3 weeks, consider if they'd enjoy what's being planned and then commit one way or another (understanding the sums of money involved). So the obvious solution is to ask.

Then a court order to secure the passport and ensure the mother can't cancel.

@FootballisgoingtoRome

Sounds like the OP just wants to pretend the stepchild doesn’t exist

except it doesn't... at all.. if that were the case she sure as shit wouldn't have posted this thread, would she?

The op is getting flames but unless you have been in this situation it is extremely hard to understand.

The step child is not at fault but each time she has been asked to go on holiday they have booked/ paid and then the daughter has gone
Due to the mother.

The different of a holiday from 4-5 people is huge, often it's an extra room etc.

Could you not invite her but your DH take her on a mini break just the 2 of them?

@JaniieJones where did I put that we don’t do things she likes or day trips that she likes?

I agree with DeRigueurMortis and HeckyPeck.

I also think you have to reaistically factor in that her mum is taking her to Disney after OP and DH plan to - as someone who has form for cancelling SD's plans with her dad, I'd be very wary that she would not want SD to experience Disney - and for longer - just a few weeks or months before she is doing the same trip with her herself.

Taking their children to Disney can be a special thing for some parents and I can see her not wanting this trip to happen/stopping SD from taking part.

Well I think it's up to her dad really for the final decision. In the same position I'd be inclined to insist on an invite for all my children. On paper there are issues etc and you make points that an adult would understand - but not getting an invite to something like this is the kind of decision that can rumble down the years with repercussions that last far beyond the tan and holiday snaps. Because what she'll remember isn't that it was your money, or that she'd never been away with you, or that her mum was a pain - but that her dad went on a dream holiday with her siblings and didn't invite her. Rejection. Be prepared to live with the consequences of that feeling. If she hates rides etc then she can decline the holiday as she wishes, and she's also old enough to understand holidays like that can't be cancelled.

@FootballisgoingtoRome

Sounds like the OP just wants to pretend the stepchild doesn’t exist

What rubbish.

It's amazing how many people are prepared to risk thousands of pounds worth of someone else's money.

As an aside OP someone posted about going at the same time but is this actually a possibility?

For example DSD could fly out and spend a week with you and then have the opportunity to spend the next week with her mum and either fly back with her.

It would mean her mum wouldn't cancel as she'd by relying on one flight minimum for you to get DSD to the US and DSD wouldn't miss her mum for 3 weeks.

You'd also get 2 weeks where you can focus on the parks/rides DSD wouldn't enjoy.

To add - there's literally no way that a kid is going to understand not being invited a anything other than rejection, however logically alternative mini-breaks and that she doesn't like roller coasters etc are discussed. Invite your kid and get some plans in place to sort cancellation with the ex-wife. Also, if she's invited - she may very well decline, but at least you've done the right thing.

Sorry, not had time to RTFT so may be repeating, but I can't imagine many teenagers would want to spend 3 weeks in theme parks with much younger siblings to be honest. And at those ages the differences are significant. So she may just say no, which solves the money issue.
But I think it could be very damaging to the long term relationship if you don't invite her OP. Even if she doesn't want to come, effectively being told that she isn't wanted is surely going to be hurtful?
Is there a possibility for compromise? A shorter stay or different kind of holiday maybe? Split the trip and invite her to part of it that is more tuned to things she'd like?
I admittedly can't see the appeal of 3 weeks in Florida. 3 hours in a theme park would have me begging for mercy to be honest, so I honestly can't get my head around wanting to spend huge amounts on that kind of trip. So I may be missing the point completely. But in your shoes I wpuld be looking at finding something a bit more inclusive to do and maybe taking a shorter trip to Disney.

There's tonnes for a 13 year old to do without the rides. That comes just comes across as a massive (obvious) excuse to not invite her!

Well I think it's up to her dad really for the final decision.

Not really, especially if it's not his money and if he can't be arsed to sort out a court order to ensure his Ex can't withhold his DD's passport and/or refuse to let her go.

He needs to find solutions to the issue not dictate the option that leaves him with no skin in the game.

I never get these threads. She is 13 not 5, so why isn't this being discussed with her.

You keep making assumptions on whether she might or might not want to come, enjoy it or not. What's wrong with just talking to her?

Hey SD, I had the nice surprise of having some money coming in and I've decided on a special holiday, 3 weeks in Orlando doing all the parks. We'd be delighted if you could join us but it is of course completely up to you. I know you Are due to go with mum too, so maybe you are not bothered. It really is up to you. However, if you decided to come, which would be great, you can't change your mind as we need to pay a deposit that we will lose if you don't come. No pressure today, think about it, discuss it with your mum and dad, and let us know if you have any questions'

What's wrong with that?

@vivainsomnia the dear that DSD will say yes and then change her mind closer to the time, or have it changed for her her mum.

*the fear

@Nayday

There's tonnes for a 13 year old to do without the rides. That comes just comes across as a massive (obvious) excuse to not invite her!

I think your projecting your own feelings or might struggle to read the comments. I think you need to work on that.

The mum is the problem here, because she's being controlling and frankly using the SD as a weapon. So is the dad a tad because the SM has to bare the brunt financially and he doesn't lose out either way.

Weird there's so much projecting on this thread 🥴 and ironically the SM is trying to find a solution.

Echoing a previous poster - court order.

@JaniieJones

This should have been sorted well before hand wringing over a Disney trip.

Why didn't she want to go on previous trips? Why does she seem to not enjoy being with her df and you? It can't all be because she 'doesn’t like rides'. You find things she does like, you build a relationship with her and encourage one with her siblings. Then, when you want to take her away you've some clue as to whether she'll want to go or not.

She's texting her step-mum asking her to buy cheesecake ingredients for when she is next over and also texting about her pet that OP helps take care of, so I'd say she seems to enjoy being with her dad and step-mum just fine.

Guess have both over and ask

Or do uou need to check with Mum first

If she said no but dsd then hears about it from
You organising then what

@vivainsomnia

I never get these threads. She is 13 not 5, so why isn't this being discussed with her.

You keep making assumptions on whether she might or might not want to come, enjoy it or not. What's wrong with just talking to her?

Hey SD, I had the nice surprise of having some money coming in and I've decided on a special holiday, 3 weeks in Orlando doing all the parks. We'd be delighted if you could join us but it is of course completely up to you. I know you Are due to go with mum too, so maybe you are not bothered. It really is up to you. However, if you decided to come, which would be great, you can't change your mind as we need to pay a deposit that we will lose if you don't come. No pressure today, think about it, discuss it with your mum and dad, and let us know if you have any questions'

What's wrong with that?

I think the concern is that she will say yes but then still not come when it comes down to it.

If OP & her dad thought she would say no (or yes and stick to it) from the start then none of this would be an issue.

@theleafandnotthetree I don’t really care if you think the whole Disney thing is tacky or if you don’t know anyone with kids who would like to go there.

Your input had absolutely no relevance to the thread.