To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

One of my very good friends is basically ignored by her dad and step mother.

What that's remotely got to do with OP who is actively posting on how best to navigate DSD and a mother who can behave dubiously.

Ask purely if she wants a holiday for 3 weeks.

“dsd (and mum) we are looking to book a 3 week holiday to America for next year, before we finalise the exact hotel rooms needed etc would you like to come with us or not as in the past you haven’t wanted too, it’s entirely up to you whatever you decide”.

It’s highly likely you will get a flat no because it’s 3 weeks if she doesn’t normally want to holiday with you. You could also try a tester week away some where first and see how that goes. Invite her to a U.K. holiday park or Spain or something.

TwinsAndTrifle Because it’s part of a pattern of the new family’s needs taking over. The OPs posts are all about losing money not about missing out on spending the time with her step daughter. That for me is the difference. She’s trying to just not invite her rather than really working to find a solution that would work for all three children.

@Bunnycat101

TwinsAndTrifle Because it’s part of a pattern of the new family’s needs taking over. The OPs posts are all about losing money not about missing out on spending the time with her step daughter. That for me is the difference. She’s trying to just not invite her rather than really working to find a solution that would work for all three children.

It's not a "pattern" at all. Its two completely different situations. You're trying to pretend it is the same situation to fit your bizarre rhetoric.

I was that kid that decided not to go to Disney land with their parent even though they had paid for me.

It was my mum though.

I just didn't get on with her that well and I hated holidaying with her. My dad and SM then booked to go Florida and I went with them.

OP I would have very frank and honest talk with her. Get her dad to tell her that he would like her to come but it for three weeks and he will be really upset if she pulls out at the last minute as its a lot of money. If she doesn't want to come he can arrange days out with just him and her when he gets back. Then let her mull it over before having to give her answer.

Florida is a lot of money to piss down the drain.

The OPs posts are all about losing money not about missing out on spending the time with her step daughter

No. They're about how she can best mitigate the probable loss of thousands of pounds of her money, at the hands of a teen DSD and her mother, who have form for this exact kind of thing before. She isn't worried about not spending the time, she already expects a last minute cancellation, not at her doing.

God forbid she's concerned about allowing repeat behaviour that affects neither of the people that cause it. She should allow that. The ex and the teen DSD are faultless and all that should matter. OP why not just go and torch a couple of grand in the back garden instead, you are of no consequence here...

I’d offer a short alternative trip with just dad/all of you (she can choose) somewhere and explain that’s because she’s already going to Disney and although you’d love to take her again, you’ve lost money before and can’t risk that sort of money again, even if she feels she might want to come now. There is no way you are going to chance it happening again.

It doesn't really sound like a holiday DSD would enjoy anyway, by what you have posted.

I also would not wish to flush several thousand pounds down the toilet due to the mother being awkward or DSD pulling out last minute.

I'd tell DSD you will plan another holiday in the UK to go together if she wants to come on a holiday with you as a family, but this one you know she might not be happy to come along on so she doesn't have to.

I bet not a single person who has posted here would in reality pay thousands of pounds for a holiday for a child they were certain would not end up attending.

It can be done amicably, without causing upset. as although a lot of posters think this is a once in a lifetime holiday (for them), it clearly is not regarded as such by DSD.

@Twoforthree

I’d offer a short alternative trip with just dad/all of you (she can choose) somewhere and explain that’s because she’s already going to Disney and although you’d love to take her again, you’ve lost money before and can’t risk that sort of money again, even if she feels she might want to come now. There is no way you are going to chance it happening again.

in what other situation does a 14 year old girl get to dictate where the whole family go on holiday? i mean really?

@JaniieJones

'What makes you think they don't do things that she will enjoy?'

The op said so?!

'Oo we invited her to legoland 7 times! but she 'doesnt like rides'. So find out what she does like. She's 13 fgs, make an effort.

Just because they've done some things she doesn't want to join in with doesn't mean everything they do is stuff she doesn't like? I'm sure they do loads with her that she does enjoy too.

I think Legoland has only been mentioned as it bears a relation to this specific holiday, in that SD doesn't like theme parks.

I don’t think it’s bizarre at all. I’ve just seen in real life how little things have added up to a child feeling pushed out (whether that was the intention or not) I can guarantee the 13yo will refer to not being invited to Disney for years to come if that is what the OP does. Having an open conversation about length of holiday, risks of losing money etc would surely be better than just not booking her a ticket?

@TwinsAndTrifle

The OPs posts are all about losing money not about missing out on spending the time with her step daughter

No. They're about how she can best mitigate the probable loss of thousands of pounds of her money, at the hands of a teen DSD and her mother, who have form for this exact kind of thing before. She isn't worried about not spending the time, she already expects a last minute cancellation, not at her doing.

God forbid she's concerned about allowing repeat behaviour that affects neither of the people that cause it. She should allow that. The ex and the teen DSD are faultless and all that should matter. OP why not just go and torch a couple of grand in the back garden instead, you are of no consequence here...

Yes and also had they not been going on holiday, would that 3 weeks have been spent with SD anyway?

I doubt it's the case that she'd be spending those 3 weeks with her dad's side of the family if she mainly lives with her mum.

I feel like everyone posting about speaking to SD and her mum and "telling them it's non-negotiable" or "letting them know they've got to stick to it once it's agreed" is just totally ignoring the fact that there is NO way for OP's DH to enforce this??? Which is the crux of the problem.

Even if he takes legal advice, I don't know if he'd be able to take SD out of the UK without her mum's permission.

'so you think they should base their holiday on what dsd likes and not what the other kids like then?'

No I'm saying the Disney trip is all a bit of a red herring imo. There is clearly realtionship issues in the nrp household, so rather than being all wide eyed about whether she'll want to go or if they'll lose money blah blah the df should perhaps have built bridges and ensured his dd felt included previously, rather than the dsc making what sounds like excuses about not liking rides to get out of previous trips.

Has the op said if the dsc's siblings get on well with her?

@Bunnycat101

I don’t think it’s bizarre at all. I’ve just seen in real life how little things have added up to a child feeling pushed out (whether that was the intention or not) I can guarantee the 13yo will refer to not being invited to Disney for years to come if that is what the OP does. Having an open conversation about length of holiday, risks of losing money etc would surely be better than just not booking her a ticket?

100%.

But I can also completely understand OP and her DH's worries, since holidays have been agreed and booked before - presumably after being discussed with SD's mum - and then backed out of at the last minute.

@Bunnycat101

I don’t think it’s bizarre at all. I’ve just seen in real life how little things have added up to a child feeling pushed out (whether that was the intention or not) I can guarantee the 13yo will refer to not being invited to Disney for years to come if that is what the OP does. Having an open conversation about length of holiday, risks of losing money etc would surely be better than just not booking her a ticket?

Youve seen ONE situation and therefore think all situations including step children are the same. That is bizarre.

@JaniieJones

'so you think they should base their holiday on what dsd likes and not what the other kids like then?'

No I'm saying the Disney trip is all a bit of a red herring imo. There is clearly realtionship issues in the nrp household, so rather than being all wide eyed about whether she'll want to go or if they'll lose money blah blah the df should perhaps have built bridges and ensured his dd felt included previously, rather than the dsc making what sounds like excuses about not liking rides to get out of previous trips.

Has the op said if the dsc's siblings get on well with her?

No there "clearly" aren't - you're making massive assumptions.

No, she has not but I dont think she needs to, considering her thread is not about the quality of their relationship.

Its like youre looking for issues... weird.

The OPs posts are all about losing money

Maybe because it's a fuck of a lot of money to loose?

Something to consider.

Next year I'm assuming she will be pushing 14 or 15 (I know you alrered ages to protect the kids) shw could perhaps come for the 1st week, spend the time doing the boys you would do together (not rollercoasters) then use the chaperone service to fly home.

You stay with her until boarding then a flight attendant assumes responsibility until mum collects her at arrivals.

I know none of mine would be ok with leaving me for 3 weeks but would likewise feel fecking heart broken at being left.

I do think it is in everyones best interests to try and make something work. That sense of abandonment and resentment isn't easily overcome.

Invite her but if mother refuses to let her come she pays

This is a family holiday so SDs feelings should matter.

@londonrach

Invite her but if mother refuses to let her come she pays

The problem with this is how do you enforce it? The reality is you can't.

Your OP makes it sound like mum has repeated form for cancelling arrangements you’ve made - does she?

Because the Xmas cottage thing was rubbish, but it was 3 years ago, and you could easily not think there was a financial impact to a U.K. cottage - it isn’t always more expensive for 5 than 4.

So does she actually have form for changing other things?

I'm sorry that DSD's mum has been so selfish and created these problems. It's her daughter missing out at the end of the day.

First of all I would have a chat with DSD and explain what the itinerary will be and ask if she'd like to come. She might not fancy it if she doesn't like rollercoasters/Disney which is fair enough.

If she does want to come, given the ex withdrawing consent for holidays before, your DH should apply to court for a variation of the order he has to allow for the holiday and for DSD's passport to be given to him as your holiday is first. He should do that regardless of whether the mum says yes or no. That way, if it's agreed, she can't not allow DSD to go short of refusing to let her leave the house on the day. If she does do that, your DH may be able to pursue her for costs and at the very least go back to court re her breaching the order.

There is still the risk of the mum convincing the daughter to change her mind and that's trickier to deal with.

If you ans your DH have separate finances, I would agree to pay for DSD on the proviso that he applies for the variation and that he pursues his ex or pays me back if that isn't successful.

It's not fair that you should lose thousands of pounds through trying to do the right thing.

Invite her she is your husbands child also just we much are your DC