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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 13:02

@JaniieJones

This should have been sorted well before hand wringing over a Disney trip.

Why didn't she want to go on previous trips? Why does she seem to not enjoy being with her df and you? It can't all be because she 'doesn’t like rides'. You find things she does like, you build a relationship with her and encourage one with her siblings. Then, when you want to take her away you've some clue as to whether she'll want to go or not.

wtf?

there is no suggestion she doesnt like being with her dad and OP - and there is much suggestion that she DOES know what she likes as well.

I mean, did you just make up all that in your own head or what?

motogogo · 12/07/2021 13:02

Your dp needs to talk to her mum about the plans and whether she (the mum) wants to give permission for her to come if dsd wants to come. If it's a yes from the mum you then ask dsd. It should be in that order. If it's arranged then both parties need the information written down and it agreed as fixed.

Don't be that step parent!

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 13:02

your DH should not allow this, even if it is your money.

If my DH told me I couldn't spend money I had earned on my own child unless I spent it on DSC too then he would not be my DH for much longer.

FrownedUpon · 12/07/2021 13:04

I wouldn’t invite her if she never comes on trips anyway. She’s unlikely to manage 3 weeks away from mum & could ruin the trip for everyone.

JudgeJ · 12/07/2021 13:04

@Watermelonwoman

Massive parenting fail. That is sad fathering, and sad step-parenting. See past the money and the ex, and see the actual child instead.
What about the mother's part in stopping her doing thisngs with her step siblings? She, as ever, gets a free ride it seems yet she seems to be the problem.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 13:04

@motogogo

Your dp needs to talk to her mum about the plans and whether she (the mum) wants to give permission for her to come if dsd wants to come. If it's a yes from the mum you then ask dsd. It should be in that order. If it's arranged then both parties need the information written down and it agreed as fixed.

Don't be that step parent!

and what happens when her passport "goes missing" or mum or DSD just change their mind?
Bibidy · 12/07/2021 13:11

@JaniieJones

This should have been sorted well before hand wringing over a Disney trip.

Why didn't she want to go on previous trips? Why does she seem to not enjoy being with her df and you? It can't all be because she 'doesn’t like rides'. You find things she does like, you build a relationship with her and encourage one with her siblings. Then, when you want to take her away you've some clue as to whether she'll want to go or not.

But they do have a clue?? They don't think she will actually want to go when it comes to it, based on their experience of her and doing exactly what you've said.

What makes you think they don't do things that she will enjoy?

Again, it's not always that the child 'doesn't enjoy' being with her father and family. Sometimes it's just that they prefer being with one side or the other and struggle to be apart from that parent, despite best efforts all round.

SueSaid · 12/07/2021 13:12

'there is no suggestion she doesnt like being with her dad and OP - and there is much suggestion that she DOES know what she likes as well.'

Do you have kids?! They tend to make excuses when they don't want to go somewhere or be with other people such as -

'We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum'

The op and her dp should be working on why she doesn't want to be with them. Basics. Doesn't matter whether it is Disney or Skegness.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 12/07/2021 13:13

@Ohanaa if she doesn’t like rides at all and she doesn’t like Disney, is she actually likely to say yes to coming? I might be completely wrong (I’ve only been to DLP which is obviously much smaller!) but rides and Disney things are presumably the main attractions!

I would genuinely worry that she would spend the entire time bored and miserable and that would also be a waste of your money. Is there anything in particular that she does enjoy, any particular hobbies or interests? I was wondering if you could spend the money that it would have cost you to take her with you on a UK or Europe trip for all of you/her and her dad that might really appeal to her? She’s probably less likely to back out of that and she might enjoy it more.

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 13:14

@motogogo

Your dp needs to talk to her mum about the plans and whether she (the mum) wants to give permission for her to come if dsd wants to come. If it's a yes from the mum you then ask dsd. It should be in that order. If it's arranged then both parties need the information written down and it agreed as fixed.

Don't be that step parent!

But if you're dealing with an unreasonable ex then none of this matters because she will not stick to the agreement.

This woman has booked plans over OP's previous holiday with SD so SD did not attend. She clearly isn't bothered about sticking to agreed plans.

Mollylikestodance · 12/07/2021 13:15

Of course you should invite her.

Leaving her out of a trip like this will stay with her. She will remember and look back on this. It will negatively impact her relationship with her father, not just now but in the future.

SueSaid · 12/07/2021 13:15

'What makes you think they don't do things that she will enjoy?'

The op said so?!

'Oo we invited her to legoland 7 times! but she 'doesnt like rides'. So find out what she does like. She's 13 fgs, make an effort.

motogogo · 12/07/2021 13:17

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

That's why a proper conversation needs to be had, she's not a young child, if her mum wants her to go then she needs to sign a permission letter to travel anyway (we had to even when dd was 17). Nothing is guaranteed in life but dsd finding out her half siblings are in Florida without any prior discussion on her going is cause huge issues

WildfirePonie · 12/07/2021 13:17

@MouldyPotato

You can invite her but her mum needs to pay imo.
why does mum have to pay?! She's paying for her own holiday. Dad should pay.

No, mum should pay since she is the one that could pull the daughter out of the holiday at the last minute. Like the time when they paid an extra £150 for the log cabin, and then the mother pulled her out? Do you think OP wants £1000+ down the drain?

TwinsAndTrifle · 12/07/2021 13:18

OP, there's a lot of (predictable and untrue) wicked stepmother bashing here.

Your OP should have been:

AIBU to risk DSD or her mother wasting thousands of my money by pulling out of holiday as per prior occasions.

Because your invitation is very much open if you could rely on them not to pull out. It's not you who causes the problem, but it's you that gets burned at their expense.

Bollindger · 12/07/2021 13:18

Just book your holiday when SC is already away. Problem solved.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/07/2021 13:20

@stabinthedark0

Also, posing an AIBU and then not getting it when people say YABU 🤷🏼‍♀️
Speak yourself, I think OP is being very reasonable.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 13:20

@JaniieJones

'there is no suggestion she doesnt like being with her dad and OP - and there is much suggestion that she DOES know what she likes as well.'

Do you have kids?! They tend to make excuses when they don't want to go somewhere or be with other people such as -

'We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum'

The op and her dp should be working on why she doesn't want to be with them. Basics. Doesn't matter whether it is Disney or Skegness.

yes, i do, and a step child with a manipulative mother.

I'm sure you think you know it all, but its pretty obvious youre just ignoring what mum is doing and trying to demonise OP. Gross.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 13:21

@JaniieJones

'What makes you think they don't do things that she will enjoy?'

The op said so?!

'Oo we invited her to legoland 7 times! but she 'doesnt like rides'. So find out what she does like. She's 13 fgs, make an effort.

so you think they should base their holiday on what dsd likes and not what the other kids like then?
Redwinestillfine · 12/07/2021 13:26

If she's 13 she's old enough to understand ' we would love you to come. Please think about it very carefully because we know the last few holidays we've had you haven't been able to make it at the last minute and we really don't want that to happen this time. If you can come that's great, we'll need your passport before we book because we don't want it to get lost again. If you'd rather not be away from your Mum, that's fine. We won't be offended, but please know that if you'd like to commit to coming, and know that we'd love it if you did'.

newomums · 12/07/2021 13:26

The comments are predictable on here but it's surprising how many of you can't read.

The OP isn't asking should I let her come. She's saying she wants her there but her mum will change her mind or SCD will and then OP is left out of pocket based and has to suck it up ? 🥴 weird weird comments.

If I was OP personally I would be getting dad to have a chat with mum and if mum changes her mind (not DCD because I think that's different) then the money lost comes out of maintenance until it's replayed. I wonder if she will keep with the yes no game.

You can't demand control and then have no consequences for playing around. I would be ashamed of behaving like the mums doing - she's depriving her kid of a holiday to play games.

Aprilx · 12/07/2021 13:27

@MouldyPotato

your DH should not allow this, even if it is your money.

If my DH told me I couldn't spend money I had earned on my own child unless I spent it on DSC too then he would not be my DH for much longer.

If my DH said I could not take my child on the family holiday as only shared children were allowed, he would not be my DH for much longer either. Shame OP’s DH doesn’t feel that way about his child though.
tallduckandhandsome · 12/07/2021 13:34

@theleafandnotthetree

I don't know who these kids are who dream of going to the parks in Florida, mine certainly don't and I don't know of any others who do either. It's been elevated on some circles to be these dream, once in a lifetime aspiration on the back of some excellent marketing and frankly a lack of imagination on the part of some parents. It seems to have become loaded with meaning in a way few other things are and I simply don't get it, it's pure and utter entertainment and lacking in any long term benefit whatsoever yet people invest huge amounts of money, risk good family relationships, and agonise endlessly over accomodation choices etc. I find the whole thing really tacky and shallow

I agree the clever marketing that sells Disneyworld/Universal as a dream holiday is nauseating. I went with in laws under pressure and against my better judgement and hated it.

However I acknowledge mileage varies so there must be a reason why adults (even grown adults without kids) go back year after year.

I hope OP does go and has a wonderful time with her dc. In an ideal world, DSC would want to go too and have a great time with her siblings but OP is taking a realistic view, which is that DSC will not want to go away for 3 weeks with them, and OP is right to plan accordingly.

VorpalSword · 12/07/2021 13:34

OP - when do you need to book before the price starts going up? Could you do a smaller trial holiday so she gets a long weekend away from mum to see how that goes? Then if that is good talk about the big holiday.

I like the idea of saying we would love you to come but if you don’t want to we will put £xxxx into a savings account for driving lessons, first car, Uni costs .... So she knows she is wanted and doesn’t miss out or give anyone ammunition that it is costs that she didn’t go.

I know it is your money as a gift but these seems the kindest way forward.

Bunnycat101 · 12/07/2021 13:39

Could you not have thought about 2 weeks instead of 3 if you think she’ll struggle to be away from her mum for that length of time? I think it would be horrid to not invite her. I think you can have a frank conversation and say they need to decide yes or no and stick to that decision but it would send a horrible message to exclude her.

One of my very good friends is basically ignored by her dad and step mother. It breaks my heart that her dad has barely been arsed to see her newborns but does loads with his ‘new’ family. I’ve seen the effects it has had on her over the years and I only met her in adulthood so can only imagine she was probably second best as a teenager as well.