To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

But you reap what you sow. Her and her OH can make a decision as a family about what they each contribute and how the money is spent fairly. If she chooses not to spend her money of her step child that is her choice. These types of decisions will ultimately will have consequences in terms of her relationship, her children’s relationship and her OH relationship with her SD though.

I really think this is so unfair.

OP is not 'choosing not to spend the money on her stepchild', she is mulling over valid concerns and says her DH shares those same concerns.

She is not saying "I want to take my children to Disney but don't want to pay for my SD"....she is saying "I want to take ALL of the children to Disney but we are worried SD will pull out last minute, which has happened before. What do we do?"

I think it's totally reasonable to weigh up the risk of SD not coming against the thousands of pounds this holiday will cost, which could be used to benefit all of the children if used for something else.

But you reap what you sow. Her and her OH can make a decision as a family about what they each contribute and how the money is spent fairly. If she chooses not to spend her money of her step child that is her choice. These types of decisions will ultimately will have consequences in terms of her relationship, her children’s relationship and her OH relationship with her SD though.

Well that works both ways. I wouldn't think much of my DP if me not spending my money on DSS made him think any less of me, so I wouldn't be too concerned about this.

Unless they both specifically have a rare brain impairment, they will create memories wherever they are, including that you didn't invite their sibling on holiday grin

gross @hahahayoumustbejoking

Likewise, they will both remember doing fuck all with their parents incase they upset DSD because her mum wont let her join in. It works both ways, you know?

If SD was to visit the USA twice in one year, would there be any issues with re-entry on the second visit?

The risk if you invite her is you're out of pocket a significant amount of money.

The risk if you don't invite her is that she spends the rest of her life with the painful memory of the time her dad took her siblings to DisneyWorld when she was 13, and didn't even invite her.

I can't believe anyone would have to ask which of those risks matters more.

@Bibidy I was responding specifically to a comment about Op being under no obligation to spend her money on SD.

@ThisIsJeopardy

The risk if you invite her is you're out of pocket a significant amount of money.

The risk if you don't invite her is that she spends the rest of her life with the painful memory of the time her dad took her siblings to DisneyWorld when she was 13, and didn't even invite her.

I can't believe anyone would have to ask which of those risks matters more.

and yet no mention of her mother causing the second problem....

Mum isn't taking OPs kids on holiday so why should OP pay for her kid to have a holiday?

Dad can pay for it if DSC wants to come. Does DSC need two theme park holidays? If not then Dad could spend the equivalent time and money on something else fun with just DSC to equal it out a bit.

Just be honest with DSC and say as mum pissed you around last time you can't risk losing the money and maybe you can try something less expensive to give her mum another chance.

@MouldyPotato

Mum isn't taking OPs kids on holiday so why should OP pay for her kid to have a holiday?

Dad can pay for it if DSC wants to come. Does DSC need two theme park holidays? If not then Dad could spend the equivalent time and money on something else fun with just DSC to equal it out a bit.

Why do people keep coming up with this rationale for leaving step kids out?

Stepchildren have two families. They should be included in any child friendly holiday that involves either of their parents.

[quote Ohanaa]@Feelingoktoday since you don’t know how we split our finances. I can confirm it’s my money. If I wanted to spend it all on handbags and shoes for myself I could but I’m not. I’m spending it on my family but it’s still my money.[/quote]
Don't spend it on DSC, she has 2 parents who can pay for her if they want her to go

Stepchildren have two families. They should be included in any child friendly holiday that involves either of their parents.

Yes but OP shouldn't be the one funding it.

OP, people are being unnecessary mean to you.. I think you do need to offer but make sure they give you an answer on the day. She doesn't like roller-coasters, beigg away from her mum for so long and going to Disney anyway next year! Make sure she understands she is allowed to say no and nobody will be offended. Perhaps her dad can offer to take her on a short trip somewhere just 2 of them another time? Based on what you said your DSC will not want to go. You offered, nobody is upset, all good

Going away on a UK trip is very easy to turn down but 3 weeks away in America is the trip of a lifetime for most people...

I think it is unreasonable to not invite her seeing as you have known her since she was a toddler, I presume you would treat her equally? The fact she is already going next year helps you out a bit, doesn't make you seem so evil. I'd definitely bring it up with DSC though. See what their thoughts are.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@MaskingForIt you're forgetting that it isn't really her choice and that her mother will have the final say...[/quote]
The mother will be subject to pressure from the daughter, and is also likely to be quite keen on the cash option.

*Why do people keep coming up with this rationale for leaving step kids out?

Stepchildren have two families. They should be included in any child friendly holiday that involves either of their parents*

Maybe but it doesn't sound like this holiday is very friendly for THIS child. She doesn't like being away from her mum, she doesn't like roller coasters and she considers herself too cool for Disney.

When I was about that age I started opting out of things because I thought I was "too cool". I regret that now but am able to recognise that my parents and sister going without me and having a merry old time was a direct result of my attitude at the time.

Based on the information in your posts OP I'd bet she'll say no early on.
If she didn't like legoland she won't like Disney land.
I'd ask and give her a week to decide.
If she backed out after booking no more pocket money ever.

Of course you should invite her. It is horrible to treat second family different from first (I know from personal experience) and your DH should not allow this, even if it is your money. That’s not how families ought to work, in my opinion.

You say you have changed the ages for anonymity, but if she is approximately 13 then she is old enough to understand and decide for herself and her mother is unlikely to be able this time to interfere successfully. She is also old enough to understand that she is making a commitment and that a lot of money is involved.

You say you are going to 12 parks! That is not at all equivalent to the 5 day trip with her mother the following year, so is not relevant to whether it is okay to exclude her this time.

Also the rides at Disneyworld are mainly not rollercoasters or anything like. They are mostly about imagination, not thrills, and your DSC may feel very differently about them than she does about rides at a typical UK theme park. I think at her age she would really enjoy the trip.

She’s part of your family. Make memories for her too, and make memories for your biological children that include her in their once in a life time luxury holiday.

Maybe but it doesn't sound like this holiday is very friendly for THIS child. She doesn't like being away from her mum, she doesn't like roller coasters and she considers herself too cool for Disney

Agreed.

If it was Peppa Pig world and not Disney and 1 day not 3 weeks I don't think people would have much of a problem with the principle.

her mother is unlikely to be able this time to interfere successfully

again, this is very much, bollocks.

People can be manipulated as ADULTS why anyone thinks a teenage girl couldn't be manipulated by her own mother is quite beyond me.

The kid is already going to the US, to do all the kind of things SHE likes to do for a short time, which is her preference with her mother and GM, which again is her preference

instead of:

A 3 week holiday to do activities she doesn’t want to do, away from her mother for longer than she’s ever been, PLUS there is a hostile mother in the mix, happy to scupper her exh holiday and waste considerable sum of money, for sport.

I would be hesitant to invite her and risk losing ££££.

You can invite her but her mum needs to pay imo.

Make it clear that you are booking the trip in one month, and you will need £xxxx.xx no later than 10:00 BST 23rd August 2021.

That way you set a deadline and can be free to make the booking, with or without her.

Unfortunately insurance will not cover these circumstances.

The circumstances are not clearcut.
This is your family money and it's destined to create memories for your children. You're willing to invite your DH's daughter but she has a history of cancelling at the last minute.
Finally, it's not like this daughter is being denied a unique opportunity as she will be traveling to Orlando the same year anyway. And to add to the complexity there's a mother who seems to be difficult to work with.

It's really not as clear-cut as everyone is making out - you can't really stop doing what is best for your other children just because the mother and step child are unreliable.

The good news is the problem may not even exist. The step child and her mother might say no straight off the bat - especially in light of the existing trip to Orlando.

If not, time for an honest conversation with step mum and child. Present the trip like a major deal and be honest about the fear of cancelation and the impact it would have on your family and your ability to invite the child for future occasions.

You can invite her but her mum needs to pay imo. why does mum have to pay?! She's paying for her own holiday. Dad should pay.

This should have been sorted well before hand wringing over a Disney trip.

Why didn't she want to go on previous trips? Why does she seem to not enjoy being with her df and you? It can't all be because she 'doesn’t like rides'. You find things she does like, you build a relationship with her and encourage one with her siblings. Then, when you want to take her away you've some clue as to whether she'll want to go or not.