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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/07/2021 12:01

You sound very reasonable OP.

You know the situation.

I wouldn't dream of allowing her mother control of this situation.

Of course you can explain it to the child that as it is a long holiday and she might feel it's too long when the time comes, you will not risk the thousands involved, particularly as her mother has form for last minute plans.

Hopefully you will have the opportunity to involve her in something local that doesn't risk several thousand.

She's 14, she can understand it.

MzHz · 12/07/2021 12:02

But sadly @EmeraldShamrock, not of the DSD doing.

It was her mother that changed her mind the last time and wasted the price of the ticket etc etc and upset the dsd dad no doubt

This is on the adults and if the mother delights in ruining her dsd dad time with her then there do have to be consequences

Some of which are having an honest conversation with a 14yo.

MaskingForIt · 12/07/2021 12:02

[quote Ohanaa]@stabinthedark0 - I don’t mind the posters that are saying AIBU.

And @Cookiebox missed the point. I haven’t said we can’t afford to take her. WE CAN! But I can’t afford to Chuck money away on DSC mother’s whim and mood closer to the time because I don’t want to and that money could be better spent elsewhere Hmm[/quote]
Ask the SD if she would like to come on the trip, or if she would like you to put some money into her Junior ISA for a trip when she is older. If she says she wants to come and you book it, then she drops out, she doesn’t get the money. This should get her buy-in and mean that she will ensure she gets to come.

If it costs £2000 to add her, put £1000 into her ISA, but don’t tell her the actual amount.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 12:02

@HalfTermHalfTerm she doesn’t like rides at all. She wouldn’t even come to legoland with us. We have been to legoland at least 7 times. Invited everytime but she’s always said no.

She’s far too cool for Disney characters too at the moment being a teen Smile

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/07/2021 12:03

This is the OPs gift from family.

She is under absolutely NO obligation to give her step daughter money from her gift.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 12:03

[quote Ohanaa]@HalfTermHalfTerm she doesn’t like rides at all. She wouldn’t even come to legoland with us. We have been to legoland at least 7 times. Invited everytime but she’s always said no.

She’s far too cool for Disney characters too at the moment being a teen Smile[/quote]
It doesn't sound like this trip would even hold much appeal for her, then?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 12:04

@MaskingForIt you're forgetting that it isn't really her choice and that her mother will have the final say...

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 12:05

@EmeraldShamrock

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here which could be completely unfair. It doesn't come across this DSC is comfortable its a 2nd family situation. I think you're projecting your own situation *@Bibidy*. The situation is easily resolved by asking the 14 y.o for a direct answer.
I am definitely drawing a parallel with my own situation for sure, but only because all of this would 100% happen with my SD if my SC's mum wasn't positive and encouraging of her relationship with their dad, and it's not through anyone not making her feel loved or welcome.

I am just trying to point out that it isn't always the fault of the dad/stepfamily if a child prefers to be with their mother (or the other way round of course). Sometimes it's just one of those things that happen when children have separated parents, and it takes a lot of support from both sides for the child to overcome it.

If the 'chosen' parent is happy with the dynamic and doesn't encourage the child to still do things like go on holiday with their other parent, then it can become an almost insurmountable problem.

My SD is younger which is a factor too, but I can tell you now that if we invited her to Disney she would say yes, but when it came to it, if she was allowed to back out, she would.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 12:06

@MaskingForIt no. I’m not bribing a child to come. It’s supposed to be a fun trip. Not forced

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 12/07/2021 12:07

We have been to legoland at least 7 times. Invited everytime but she’s always said no.
If she has no issues saying no what's the issue? Just ask her give her the facts.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 12:07

@aSofaNearYou I don’t think it would really no.

OP posts:
TECMH · 12/07/2021 12:10

Have I understood correctly @MaskingForIt? You’re suggesting as an inducement to go the step daughter gets money in her ISA, plus the cost of the holiday spending on her?

Bibidy · 12/07/2021 12:11

@TECMH

Have I understood correctly *@MaskingForIt*? You’re suggesting as an inducement to go the step daughter gets money in her ISA, plus the cost of the holiday spending on her?
No, they're saying offer SD the choice - either you come on this holiday or we put £1000 in your ISA.
Feelingoktoday · 12/07/2021 12:13

[quote Ohanaa]@Feelingoktoday since you don’t know how we split our finances. I can confirm it’s my money. If I wanted to spend it all on handbags and shoes for myself I could but I’m not. I’m spending it on my family but it’s still my money.[/quote]
Yet we tell stay at home mums it’s household money. But in this case it’s your money. Fine.

Naunet · 12/07/2021 12:14

Op, why are you left to cover the cost of their child?

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 12:15

Yet we tell stay at home mums it’s household money. But in this case it’s your money. Fine.

Maybe you do. Personally I think it's perfectly fine for either party to keep gifted money/inheritance for themselves, or decide what happens with it.

olidora63 · 12/07/2021 12:15

So if she said No to Lego land what is the issue? Just ask her ,explaining the problems if she refuses last minute!

silkience · 12/07/2021 12:15

Op not strictly relevant to your query but if she is going twice in a year annual Passes at some parks may actually work out cheaper.

DuckAndPancakes · 12/07/2021 12:17

If a SAHM inherited a chunk of money, everyone would tell her that it's hers to do what she wants with and not household money.

Whatinthelord · 12/07/2021 12:18

@billy1966

This is the OPs gift from family.

She is under absolutely NO obligation to give her step daughter money from her gift.

That’s absolutely true. But you reap what you sow. Her and her OH can make a decision as a family about what they each contribute and how the money is spent fairly. If she chooses not to spend her money of her step child that is her choice. These types of decisions will ultimately will have consequences in terms of her relationship, her children’s relationship and her OH relationship with her SD though.

Hopefully her OH is having more input into the decision seeing as it’s his child.

TwinsAndTrifle · 12/07/2021 12:18

"And DSD is part of your family whether you like it or not*

Yes, OP literally says this from the start. Read the post.

it's your DH daughter and your children's sister you can't leave her out

OP is trying not too. This is not about OP causing the future issue. Read the post.

like pp has said talk to her seriously about it, she's 13 she can make her own decisions.

Oh, behave. She can voice what she thinks right now. She can "decide" what she'd like to do right now. And this is of bugger all use when the mother "loses" her passport, as they go to collect her. Or she has a right panic about leaving her mother and going to a different country for 3 weeks, as they go to collect her.

If they ex plays silly buggers anyway (as per prior holiday) do you think makings big deal of how important it is that if OP/DH spend all this money, that DD attends, will make the ex less likely to pull a stunt to ensure she doesn't go?

Naunet · 12/07/2021 12:19

Yet we tell stay at home mums it’s household money. But in this case it’s your money. Fine

A. Is he a stay at home dad? If not, irrelevant.
B. The money IS being used on her household.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/07/2021 12:22

Can you set an early cut-off date by which DSD and her mum have to make up their mind?
Tell them it's either 'yay' or 'nay'.
If they say 'yay' and then she pulls out, then her mum has to pay it.
If she says 'yay', pulls out and then doesn't pay it at all, then no more holidays booked for the DSD going forward and tell her that beforehand too.

The DSD's mum sounds like a right gee-bag.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/07/2021 12:24

If she says 'yay', pulls out and then doesn't pay it at all, then no more holidays booked for the DSD going forward and tell her that beforehand too

This is exactly what mum wants, so she has no reason to pay!

hahahayoumustbejoking · 12/07/2021 12:25

@Ohanaa

DH is unsure. Neither of us want to chuck away what is thousands of pounds if dsc doesn’t come last minute or her mum says no.

DSC has never been away from mum for that long.

Also most of the trip is being covered by me as I have been gifted an amount of money recently from a family member and I want to create memories for my kids with it.

Unless they both specifically have a rare brain impairment, they will create memories wherever they are, including that you didn't invite their sibling on holiday Grin

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