To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

Dsd isn’t missing out on anything she’ll want to do.

@BungleandGeorge

I understand that you don’t want to waste money. 10 and 14 are totally different in terms of coping without Mum and in the influence that Mum would have. I would honestly speak to you dsd, she’s a young adult now. She may say she doesn’t want to go, if she says she does I honestly think Mum will have a very difficult job in keeping her home. Most kids dream of going to the parks in Florida, imagine being the parent denying them that. That goes the same for Mum and Dad, I think it would cause a real rift. It’s absolutely possible she may decide it’s too long though and then problem solved

I don't know who these kids are who dream of going to the parks in Florida, mine certainly don't and I don't know of any others who do either. It's been elevated on some circles to be these dream, once in a lifetime aspiration on the back of some excellent marketing and frankly a lack of imagination on the part of some parents. It seems to have become loaded with meaning in a way few other things are and I simply don't get it, it's pure and utter entertainment and lacking in any long term benefit whatsoever yet people invest huge amounts of money, risk good family relationships, and agonise endlessly over accomodation choices etc. I find the whole thing really tacky and shallow

You need to have a proper talk with SDD about this.

You should invite her but it is utterly unacceptable for her and her DM to mess you around, and to put you to the extra expense of her changing her mind at the last minute. At 13 she is old enough to understand this.

@Ohanaa yes the majority of people “get your point”. However it will have been 4 years since the last time the mother did this and arguably the chance of a 3 week holiday to Orlando is slightly different to a few days in a cabin albeit close to Christmas.

The issue seems to be the blinkered view that either you book under the assumption she won’t be allowed at the last minute, or just leave her out completely. Not having a frank conversation with the mother and SD together to try and see if a) she even wants to go and b) discuss how important it is to stick to commitments once they are made and consequences if they are not i.e. it is an expensive trip and you can’t afford to essentially waste the money if she doesn’t come but of course would be delighted if she could come.

Also the consideration that if DSD does want to come but the mother is putting up barriers, there are ways of going around this through the courts, at 14 DSD will be quite able to voice her own wants and needs.

That doesn't mean that when it comes to it and her mum starts saying how much she'll miss her and she doesn't know what she'll do without her for 3 weeks etc etc that she won't feel guilty and back out.
It may not be the DM. My DD has severe anxiety and will often back out I take the wrap, she has the best intentions.
Is the DSC comfortable in your home OP? Does she stay often? Does she get on well with her siblings or is there a divide.
They're close in age.
There must be a reason she is uncomfortable staying far from home considering the other DC are her siblings and her father is in this relationship most of her lifetime.
Sounds suss.

@BungleandGeorge

If Mum says no to start with that’s not your worry either, your only worry is backing out last minute. Booking a house in the UK is never going to come close to Florida for most kids. Neither is the 5 day trip with her Mum tbh. I think the issue is that you’re booking a holiday that is incredibly attractive to children, so the potential for bad feeling is that much more..

I mean, I agree but just not sure how to get around the fact that the issue is that, by past behaviour, it seems mum won't say no straight away and will leave OP and her DH in the position of paying a lot of money only for her to stop SD going on the holiday nearer the time.

I would be tempted to have a serious talk with SD and let her know we really want her to come but it costs a lot of money and we can only book it if she is honest about wanting to come and will not back out.

@Kakey1294129

People always say that stepmoms get hated on mumsnet! This post is the reason why!

You have to invite her. But her age she's old enough to understand her answer is definite and she cannot change her mind later on.

My son is the stepchild of a woman that doesn't want him around much at all. It's so sad!

Why do people say this as if they think it's a trump card? This is the reason why, is it? A step mum posting a very natural concern sparked by the behaviour of others, and some posters deciding to hate them for it? Like, yes. You've just proven the point you think you are disproving.

@Feelingoktoday since you don’t know how we split our finances. I can confirm it’s my money. If I wanted to spend it all on handbags and shoes for myself I could but I’m not. I’m spending it on my family but it’s still my money.

@EmeraldShamrock

That doesn't mean that when it comes to it and her mum starts saying how much she'll miss her and she doesn't know what she'll do without her for 3 weeks etc etc that she won't feel guilty and back out. It may not be the DM. My DD has severe anxiety and will often back out I take the wrap, she has the best intentions. Is the DSC comfortable in your home OP? Does she stay often? Does she get on well with her siblings or is there a divide. They're close in age. There must be a reason she is uncomfortable staying far from home considering the other DC are her siblings and her father is in this relationship most of her lifetime. Sounds suss.

I do agree it might not be her mum entirely, although from what OP has shared re their last holiday it seems it was her mum who just decided she wanted to do something else with SD during the time she was meant to be away.

Either way, the issue at hand is still the same - do they spend a lot of money booking a holiday which SD may or may not decide to attend at the time?

If SD is an anxious child who doesn't like being away from her mum then I would guess that a 3-week holiday would be too much for her? But my concern would be if given the option now, she will say yes as she is still likely to want to please her dad, and may even feel she wants to go.

But without support from both dad AND mum to help her to go when the time comes, I can't see how this can work.

[quote Ohanaa]@Feelingoktoday since you don’t know how we split our finances. I can confirm it’s my money. If I wanted to spend it all on handbags and shoes for myself I could but I’m not. I’m spending it on my family but it’s still my money.[/quote]
And DSD is part of your family whether you like it or not, it's your DH daughter and your children's sister you can't leave her out, like pp has said talk to her seriously about it, she's 13 she can make her own decisions.

@HasaDigaEebowai

How much would it cost, OP? For 3 weeks, it must be well over £1,000 when you add in flights etc.

Way more than that. For a family of five (3 adults because Dad is 13) to do three weeks at disney and universal with other parks too (OP says they're doing 12) then you're looking at over £15k.

Can confirm this, I did a Virgin Package on Highlands Reserve, Disney tickets, Universal, Bush, Kennedy (although we did get to see a launch), for 2 weeks and the cost was 11k.

There was 5 adults and 1DC.

It seems to have become loaded with meaning in a way few other things are and I simply don't get it, it's pure and utter entertainment and lacking in any long term benefit whatsoever yet people invest huge amounts of money, risk good family relationships, and agonise endlessly over accomodation choices etc. I find the whole thing really tacky and shallow

I wondered how long it would take for someone to post saying how tacky Disneyland is and how their children have got far too much taste to even consider the idea. There’s nothing wrong with it being ‘pure and utter entertainment’. It’s a family holiday.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest OP. Part of me thinks that you can’t possibly not invite your step daughter to go with you but I also understand why you’re wary of wasting the money when things have been cancelled last minute before. I’d also be worried about her being very bored waiting around while the 4 of you go on rollercoasters. Will she go on ones that are tame enough for your 7 year old to go on, or does she not like any? And is she a Disney fan so will she be happy enough with the parades/shopping/character interactions if she’s not going to go on a lot of the rides?

I can't understand why the DSC age 14 whose being in OP's life from 2 years old feels so uncomfortable around her own family however judging by OP'S faux paus "we have 1 DSC and 2 DC" that might be a reason.
Does she feel like the younger ones aren't siblings?

Also your username is ohanaa which ""Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." so....

If I couldn't afford to take her than none of us would be going.

Why are people saying that the decision should sit with the DSD?

That's a lot of responsibility to put on her and if her DM does put her off the trip, then horrible for her to have to take the rap for it.

I think the first step is for the adults to discuss this. DM May well have perfectly valid reasons for saying no - for example if the holiday was planned during term time. Then it's a simple question of also organising a holiday that DSD can come on in UK as well as Orlando holiday.

@FedNlanders

If I couldn't afford to take her than none of us would be going.

How noble of you to deny your children experiences if a flaky 14 year old can't have basically the same one twice.

@paperandfireworks

I'm sure someone has pointed out the irony that your username is ohana. "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind". Ironic.

I can't I think this now. You're so right pp

@EmeraldShamrock

I can't understand why the DSC age 14 whose being in OP's life from 2 years old feels so uncomfortable around her own family however judging by OP'S faux paus "we have 1 DSC and 2 DC" that might be a reason. Does she feel like the younger ones aren't siblings?

Why do people keep saying this? That's not a faux pas in the slightest, it's just pedantry. It means absolutely nothing.

@EmeraldShamrock

I can't understand why the DSC age 14 whose being in OP's life from 2 years old feels so uncomfortable around her own family however judging by OP'S faux paus "we have 1 DSC and 2 DC" that might be a reason. Does she feel like the younger ones aren't siblings?

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here which could be completely unfair.

Some children from separated families are just very attached to one parent and it is not necessarily always the thought of the other side at all.

My SD is very close to her mother and very clingy with her. She sometimes cries about not seeing her for ONE DAY when she comes to DP for the weekend. It is not because we do anything wrong, she loves her dad and he loves her, it's not that we don't treat her like family, don't include her, don't do things she enjoys etc etc. She just loves her mum and would prefer to spend all of her time with her - but as her parents are separated she doesn't have that option. The difference for us is that her mum supports her relationship with her dad and so even when she cries she is still encouraged to go and have a lovely time with her dad - which she does.

So OP's SD backing out of holidays may not be down to anything OP and co have done wrong. Some kids just struggle to be away from one parent and if that parent isn't on board with helping them overcome that then it's not as easy as it seems to just sort it out.

I think best to invite her but ask her mum to pay at least half, or give you a deposit in case she pulls out last minute!

I’d give her the option herself. Ask her if she’d like to come. Tell her what it entails. Make it clear that if she says yes, she can’t back out. but make her feel included by inviting her and make her feel adult because she gets to decide for herself. Not ask her in a positive way so it’s plain you’d like her to be there.

@rookiemere

Why are people saying that the decision should sit with the DSD?

That's a lot of responsibility to put on her and if her DM does put her off the trip, then horrible for her to have to take the rap for it.

I think the first step is for the adults to discuss this. DM May well have perfectly valid reasons for saying no - for example if the holiday was planned during term time. Then it's a simple question of also organising a holiday that DSD can come on in UK as well as Orlando holiday.

If her mum said no from the get go then there isn't an issue.

The holiday is unlikely to be in term time since OP's children are also school age.

The issue is that SD and her mum are likely to agree to the trip only for SD - for whatever reason - to back out at the last minute, wasting thousands of pounds that could have been spent on something she actually would attend and enjoy.

That is the decision - do you pay thousands for SD not to feel left out of this trip, knowing the likelihood is that she will not attend?

Personally, given that she is already going to Disney with her mum in the same year, I would explain the situation to SD and book another holiday for everyone that she will attend.

I don't think it's realistic that a child who is reluctant to leave her mum and has rarely holidayed with her dad will come away for 3 whole weeks.

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here which could be completely unfair. It doesn't come across this DSC is comfortable its a 2nd family situation.
I think you're projecting your own situation @Bibidy.
The situation is easily resolved by asking the 14 y.o for a direct answer.

@BungleandGeorge

I understand that you don’t want to waste money. 10 and 14 are totally different in terms of coping without Mum and in the influence that Mum would have. I would honestly speak to you dsd, she’s a young adult now. She may say she doesn’t want to go, if she says she does I honestly think Mum will have a very difficult job in keeping her home. Most kids dream of going to the parks in Florida, imagine being the parent denying them that. That goes the same for Mum and Dad, I think it would cause a real rift. It’s absolutely possible she may decide it’s too long though and then problem solved

I feel that perhaps you dont have direct experience of a mother like this, and just how manipulative they can be. DSS who is 16 is still very much under her thumb. She guilts him into doing what she wants him to do, very successfully even now.