To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

Circumstances

I think those posters saying you pay regardless are living in cloud cuckoo land.

Your DH needs to speak to her DM about this and agree up front what is happening. Then if she says yes it needs to be discussed with DSD. He should email DSDs DM with the costs and state that he expects her to reimburse them if DSD doesn't come because DM comes up with other plans. Obviously unenforceable but should encourage her to be sensible. She may say herself that as DSD already going to Orlando she doesn't need to go again in the same year.

You could sweeten it with a really good UK family trip with the money saved from DSD not going if that's what happens.

@Terhou

Any chance of a realistic conversation with the child's mother pointing out the number of times she's changed her mind at the last minute and asking for a realistic decision this time that she will actually commit to?

This ^

I agree with all the PP who say DSC should be invited, even if this is tricky. The potential hurt and fallout from not asking is huge for a child this age. I notice you say "we" have a "DSC" at the start of your post. DSC for you, DC for your husband. What does he think?

She can afford it. She’s sensibly not thrilled at the idea of wasting thousands on a no show.

Honestly, some of these posts are laughable.

@Cookiebox I think you missed the point of the thread.

*MichelleScarn

It's not the op and dh who are actually advocating 'leaving her behind' so hmm to all those who are going on with the dramatical 'I CANT BELIEVE YOUR LILO AND STITCH USER NAME!!' Its the dm who has curtailed all the previous holidays. And the comments re 'abusive' and cancel the whole holiday if she doesn't want to come/changes her mind?!*

Completely agree. The OP wouldn’t have had to consider this if the girl’s mother hadn’t messed them about previously. This is entirely on the mother.

[quote stabinthedark0]@AnneLovesGilbert if you have the cash to pay to take your children to Disney, then you have the cash to pay to take your children to Disney.

If you don't then don't take any of them.

Is my opinion. And also, yes that love is what matters more.

If the lady can't afford it then she shouldn't go 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
I don't think many people would happily pay out £2k+ on the chance of taking someone to Disney though?

OP has this cash as a one-off gift, they are not rolling in money so that to waste that much would be negligible to them.

That 2k could be used to take the whole family for another holiday in the UK that SD might actually be allowed to come on!

feel like people aren't really understanding that even at 14, SD is still likely to be heavily influenced by her mum if her mum turns around at the last minute and says she doesn't want her to go on this holiday. And then there is nothing OP and her DH can do.
Yes I understand the situation and still feel DSC should be invited or given the chance to refuse.
It would be beyond cruel to book without asking the DC how she feels.
You know she'll most likely refuse given the facts.

@Ohanaa I don't think she did. I think you posted in AIBU and don't like the opinions of those of us who think you are

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

Do you mean you have 1 DSC? Because that child is his actual child and not a step child, I think that's an important distinction to make.

As long as she is 100% welcome I would invite her and explain clearly the problems that will be caused if she bails out ie financial,disappointment for younger siblings etc .
She is old enough to have an educated opinion .Most 13/14 year olds that I have known including my own would have been so excited and missing their mother would really not have been an issue!

Thank you for all the comments.

I haven’t managed to read them all as the thread keeps jumping a page every time I post and reply back to a comment.

I’m going to go back and read them all and then il reply to anything Iv missed that might be essential.

As SD is going to Disney with her mum in the same year, and given the history of backing out of trips and being stopped from attending, I think on balance I'd not include her in the Disney trip.

I would use the money it would have cost to do another holiday in the UK, get a house or something that it won't matter financially if she does or doesn't come to, and than you are still showing you want to include her and holiday with her, but not wasting a load of money for when she inevitably pulls out.

I think the fact the holiday is 3 weeks increases the chances even more of her not attending.

I understand that you don’t want to waste money. 10 and 14 are totally different in terms of coping without Mum and in the influence that Mum would have. I would honestly speak to you dsd, she’s a young adult now. She may say she doesn’t want to go, if she says she does I honestly think Mum will have a very difficult job in keeping her home. Most kids dream of going to the parks in Florida, imagine being the parent denying them that. That goes the same for Mum and Dad, I think it would cause a real rift. It’s absolutely possible she may decide it’s too long though and then problem solved

@stabinthedark0 - I don’t mind the posters that are saying AIBU.

And @Cookiebox missed the point. I haven’t said we can’t afford to take her. WE CAN! But I can’t afford to Chuck money away on DSC mother’s whim and mood closer to the time because I don’t want to and that money could be better spent elsewhere

@EmeraldShamrock

feel like people aren't really understanding that even at 14, SD is still likely to be heavily influenced by her mum if her mum turns around at the last minute and says she doesn't want her to go on this holiday. And then there is nothing OP and her DH can do. Yes I understand the situation and still feel DSC should be invited or given the chance to refuse. It would be beyond cruel to book without asking the DC how she feels. You know she'll most likely refuse given the facts.

If this would happen then I'd agree, but children - and particularly children with separated parents - are people pleasers, and I would imagine SD would be highly likely to say she wants to go on the trip when asked by her dad. It is a long way away and she knows he wants her to come, so she will say yes.

That doesn't mean that when it comes to it and her mum starts saying how much she'll miss her and she doesn't know what she'll do without her for 3 weeks etc etc that she won't feel guilty and back out.

It's not her fault but I don't think her dad is being unreasonable in thinking realistically about the actually chance of SD attending this holiday.

I understand the loss on money issue. However I think I would mitigate that as much as possible by booking tickets late where possible etc. Then if she can’t come it’s on her and/or her mum.

I think I’d accept the risk of loss of money to make sure the SD feels included and part of the family. I’d rather loose money that treat her in a way that makes her feel she isn’t a part of the family.

People always say that stepmoms get hated on mumsnet! This post is the reason why!

You have to invite her. But her age she's old enough to understand her answer is definite and she cannot change her mind later on.

My son is the stepchild of a woman that doesn't want him around much at all. It's so sad!

If Mum says no to start with that’s not your worry either, your only worry is backing out last minute. Booking a house in the UK is never going to come close to Florida for most kids. Neither is the 5 day trip with her Mum tbh. I think the issue is that you’re booking a holiday that is incredibly attractive to children, so the potential for bad feeling is that much more..

yes she needs to be invited.

However I think OP your main issue is why should you pay when there is a reasonable chance either the DSC or her mum will change her mind at the last minute. That's not fair. And no insurance does not cover 'don't fancy going'.... ever.

I think you have a serious chat with the DSC first, at 13 she should be old enough to understand that either she says no, which is fine, or she says yes but actually commits. If she does commit, I don't think it's on for her mum to then change her mind. Presumably crunch time is when pay the full balance, which probably isn't for quite a while anyway.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Of course you must invite her !! A few years ago , DGS came home from his Dad’s very excited as his step siblings were talking about a trip to Florida and he - understandably- assumed he would be going. DD contacted her ex to be told no, it was only DC with new partner as she wanted a “ family “ holiday plus it would be too expensive. I offered to pay for DGS but no . He rarely sees his Dad now.

@Oldbutstillgotit oh that's heartbreaking

@DancesWithTortoises

The first wives' club is out in force today.

Given the history it would be foolish to invite her. Ignore the emotional blackmail from some posters. It's your money.

Actually it isn’t the posters money. It’s their money and the husband is permitted to spend money on his child.

i would be absolutely livid if my child caused that much money to be wasted.

Yes but you’d be chuffed to pieces @aSofaNearYou if you were my oh exw ho has done this over and over. She absolutely loved wasting time, money and causing stress for him and hurting her own dc was how she chose to do it.

Even convinced the dc that they’d been bored and made dc (extremely viciously and emphatically) that they didn’t want to go away with dad anyway.

This was of course what you will know was the tip of the iceberg in terms of weaponising the dc.

It’s sad when the mother makes a weapon of the dc.

@Ohanaa don’t blame you.

You can easily communicate that you’re going on roller coaster centred activities and remind her that she has the trip with her mum. That you’ll give dsd some spending money etc for her trip and look forward to hearing all about it when you’re all back.