To be scunnered by the state of my lovely new house

[Anythingelseintheboxpandora]

Jesus fucking Christ. Is this normal?!

Two girls - 6 and 4. Moved into a brand new new build not six months ago. It was perfect. We decluttered, they have a huge playroom, ample space etc.

It’s a fucking pigsty now. Toys everywhere. Not a square inch on the floor. They do nothing. They just drag everything out. They put nothing away. Six year old flings herself to the floor in dramatic tears if I have the temerity to ask her to put her barbies away.

And it’s the mixing of toys too. Sylvanian family house full of Lego and barbie shoes. Jenga blocks in the Lego.

I have just flipped my lid. Still no one is tidying. I tidy one room while they trash another.

I’m just…gaaaah!

I’ve not read the full thread so don’t know if someone else has mentioned this but have you sat and spoken to them about why we need to tidy things away? So, maybe ask them why they think they should tidy up. If they have no idea then just try to explain it’s so that things don’t get broken, accidents are less likely to happen blah blah blah. It may seem obvious to us but at 4 and 6 it’s not obvious why we need to tidy up and why we need to keep things clean etc.
Once they have more of an understanding they may be more likely to help you especially if next time it’s not tidy you’ trip’ an break one of their toys!

Some options:

They get one set of toys out at a time- don’t get another one out until they have put away others.

Get out whatever they want (good creativity) then play a tidy up song- whoever has the most toys in their individual box by the end, gets a small prize- or whoever puts away the most gets a prize.

No TV/screen/ treat until the place is tidy

Tidy well before bedtime- then have a treat- they don’t tidy- they don’t get the treat- no point trying to tidy before bed as they will just stall.

Don’t get stressed if everything is mixed together - it’s good they use all their toys- although if you are only going to get some out (and put others away) then separate when they go to bed and then start to pack away- then rotate every so often.

Go full pelt and take away all toys- they can earn them back if they are tidy and follow directions (bit harsh though for the younger child as they won’t fully understand)

Any type of bribery usually works in my house (as you can tell from above! 🤣)

Declare ‘Tidy Up Time’ at the end of a play session - using a natural break like before lunch or before a break for a drink - it’s something they would be used to in school, playgroup or nursery. Use the same words for it, if possible.

Use a countdown to add in a bit of competition or vary it by ‘ let’s put all the red things away first.’ or similar . Rotate things - things not seen for a few days or even a few hours regain novelty value.

It’s more fun for them to play when they can focus in one or two subjects at a time rather than pick up and put down in a muddle.

Right from an early age (2 or 3) my boys were taught to put one toy away before they could have something else out. We never had Telly Tubbies out at the same time as Lego etc.

This was even practised at xmas, we would sit with a black rubbish bag and one gift could be opened per child, the paper had to go into the rubbish and they had to spend a little time with that one gift before they could open another.

Start early, drum the rules in and stick to them!

I have two kids, DS nearly 11, DD nearly 6. We moved to a 3 bed from a 2 bed at the end of Feb so kids used to share a room now have their own. DS has larger room with double bed, desk IKEA Kallax unit and large wardrobe. What floor space is left gets cluttered with clothes and toys quickly. He knows how to tidy, he just can’t be bothered most of the time and would rather play PS4 or on his computer. DD has smallest room with single bed, Kallax unit and toy kitchen. She has a small walk in closet. Her small strip of floor gets covered in dolls and ego very quickly. She struggles to tidy up and must be supervised if we want to be able to walk in her room with out treading on toys. I’ve resigned to the fact that it will get better as she gets older.

They are six and four, you’re in control, hold your nerve and treating them to tidy up, if not they don’t get to have these toys, put them away somewhere they can’t find them

@Anythingelseintheboxpandora

Also I don’t just bark tidy up at them and expect them to get on with it. I try to do it with them. I direct them as we go. They just lose interest after about 90 seconds and won’t help any more. They just pull more stuff out.

They can only pull more stuff out if there is more stuff there to pull out. Bottom line, they have too much stuff. You said "The real issue is that everything feels overwhelming and chaotic" - and you're an adult! And you're also right about that being the real issue. I suspect they too are feeling overwhelmed, so that can be solved by there being less stuff there to overwhelm them (and you). Pack most of it away; out of sight, out of reach. Loft or garage, but INACCESSIBLE TO THEM.

Then you stand firm, even to tantrums. Well, especially to tantrums.

'No, the rest of the toys have been put away, there's far too many so we're going to play with these ones for now, maybe we'll swap them for others next week/month/year or maybe you'll want to keep these ones, we'll see.'

And then, stand firm. Be deaf to pleadings, blind to tears, walk away from tantrums. Tell them it's not a punishment for not putting them away before, but that you've realised there's just too much stuff and so you've cut it down to a handleable amount of toys.

I'm sure there will be cries of 'but you've put away my favourites/I really want to play with X/I want them ALL; but like I said, you stand firm. Tell them that they should make a list of things they particularly want, and you can all look at the list in, say, two weeks' time. And they're to be sure to list what is to go away, because the amount of toys in the house is going to stay the same - so if something comes out of storage, something will have to go in. 'Swaps' will only happen periodically (fortnightly/monthly, weekly could be too much hassle) so they'll just have to learn to WAIT.

Yes, it will be hell for a couple of weeks. But it's still your best bet.

Give them a countdown. Also when all the toys are away, we are having a nice snack etc. Bribery is best. 👍 Children of that ago need t be shown how to sort things into their own boxes. I would teach them to get one thing out at once. Sit down and play with them and they will soon start to copy you.

Agree on posts - also turn into a game - a race, or a matching game, I bet you can’t… sort of thing. Hope that makes sense

I have no advice, but thank you for introducing me to the word scunnered

Lock the door and refuse entry till the agree to clean up. If they fail to help lock the door again. Or simply remove 50% and refuse to give it back until the tidy every night for a week.

Your last post suggested there was more to it than toys being all over the place. The straw that broke the camel's back? Is there one thing further up the chain you should be focusing on changing? Would you really feel so much better if their rooms were tidy?

I've not read the whole thread but I'm sure you said they have a play room sorry if I'm wrong.

My DD has a play room and it's her space to play with her toys how ever she wants. Barbie's and paw patrol and Jenga and Playmobil all mixed together in the middle of the room. It's the way she plays and her games in her imagination can go on for days, she leaves the room and the next day will go back and continue the game where she left off. When it's time to tidy, I ask if she's finished the game, sometimes she is others she isnt. If I were to say she could only have one or two types of toy out at a time she would be really upset about it.
I have those plastic drawers in the play room with labels on and after a few days she will help to put things back if she's finished her games. Maybe the mess is overwhelming for them as it is for you and if you haven't already, some labelling might help them.
My DD is only allowed all those toys in her play room nowhere else and sometimes it looks like a disaster in there but it's her space and as much as I can't stand the sight of it at times, I just shut the door and ignore it.

I know most people don't agree with my way of doing it, I'm not saying anybody else should do the same if they don't want to
but I just feel that once my children are grown up and have left home that room will be spotless and I will probably miss the mess.

We have organiser's so it's really easy to put their stuff where it belongs. Buuuuut I have 4 boys and a bathroom!! It's infuriating!! I just don't understand... I've literally taught them to potty train, I brought them to the bathroom showed them WHERE to pee, NAW still manage to get it up the back of the wall, down the side of the toilet! Kids can test the patients of a Saint!!

Make sure they have goid storage system for their toys then confiscate all of them bar one each - when they succeed I putting that one away every night allow another toy and so on - you are spoiling them

When I ask 4yo ds to tidy away his toys he usually ignores me the first time. I then get the hoover out and start hoovering towards them. He runs in a panic to tidy them up as he thinks they'll get sucked up the hoover. Don't know how much longer I'll get away with that one though

Put a lot of shit away. Keep things in order/groups. One out at a time each. Like library books. Return shit and get different shit.

All kids are different but we always had a rule that you couldn't pull something out until you put what you are playing with away, our kids just always did this, youngest DD gets really annoyed when people come round to play and just pull everything out. If they are using sylvanians and lego together that is fine but when that is finished it goes away first. We have friends whose kids are similar age and you can't see the floor of the playroom, I couldn't live like that but also the kids can't play in that.

Oh and black bin liners.
Ask them to help or stuff gets binned.

Can't be bothered trft but some ridiculously harsh comments here.

The reality is OP that adults find it hard enough to tidy up particularly once a place is a real mess - how on earth can it be reasonable to expect a 6 and 4 year old to do it? They cld do it if the house was much tidier - they are not going to be able to de clutter boxes of toys/ put lego back in original boxes that is too much to ask without a lot of help

Get the place completley tidy and then get a new system where it is literally only a couple of things out at a time.

If YOU find the mess overwhelming - it is no longer within the power of young childrne to fix. be realistic.

You need to teach them that this is not acceptable, and that there are consequences to this behaviour. Don’t make a rod for someone else’s back.

@Elieza - ime consequences are not what make all DC well behaved. By which you mean rewards and punishments. I don't use either of these with my DC and honestly we're nice to each other and help each other out because we love and care for each other. It is as simple as that. I've brought them up not to expect me to do everything, to think about how their actions affect others and to be kind.

Some responses here make me wonder what people think children /humans are.

Slaves to work and make a buck for someone... With curtailed imaginations.

Why bother giving them any toys? Do they really need them?

The sheer materialistic selfishness astounds me,and the mind boggling expectations of tiny beings all to keep mum happy because she doesn't like so called mess.

All I would say is please please please read up on play imagination and as pp said ages ago "flow" and the childs brain.

Once you have done that and you make the conclusion it's worth styming their development... Carry on..

I used a super nanny thing once - a different, lidded box where toys go to be earned back as a consequence of not tidying.