To be scunnered by the state of my lovely new house

[Anythingelseintheboxpandora]

Jesus fucking Christ. Is this normal?!

Two girls - 6 and 4. Moved into a brand new new build not six months ago. It was perfect. We decluttered, they have a huge playroom, ample space etc.

It’s a fucking pigsty now. Toys everywhere. Not a square inch on the floor. They do nothing. They just drag everything out. They put nothing away. Six year old flings herself to the floor in dramatic tears if I have the temerity to ask her to put her barbies away.

And it’s the mixing of toys too. Sylvanian family house full of Lego and barbie shoes. Jenga blocks in the Lego.

I have just flipped my lid. Still no one is tidying. I tidy one room while they trash another.

I’m just…gaaaah!

I don’t really need consequences for anything else generally, it’s just this issue. I’ll say to them come on let’s tidy up together and they’ll start to do it with me and then just sit and play. I also find if I tell them they can’t take something out until the other thing is away they either completely ignore me or (from the six year old) I get an almighty tantrum

You need consequences and a very firm voice. It is not a difficult concept. Tell them how it is going to be and bloody mean it!

Helpful hint for general decluttering...although you must be brave and resolute! When decluttering, pack everything into a box, seal it, and put ONLY THE DATE on the outside of the box. If you haven't gone into the box in 6-12 months, dispose of it without opening it. There is nothing in there that you need. OF COURSE, pack truly valuable keepsakes carefully in labeled boxes. but general clutter? Nope.

when you tidy you say we need to do this together girls to get them into the habit.

What about the ploy that says if you tidy the secret toy you get a prize. it could be the next to last one. Extra whatever. But then do a middle one etc

My two (5 & 8) have become terrible lately. Especially DS8.

I found their currency to motivate them.

1. No tidy, no pocket money.
2. Don't want to put it away? That's fine! Once you go to bed/school I will tidy up by throwing out anything lying around or not put away properly.

There's dirty looks, tanty's and sometimes tears, but they do it.

It sounds like you need to declutter again. Get the dc involved in choosing which toys and clothes to keep and which to sell or donate. Get rid of as much as possible. If they have so much they can cover the entire floor then they have way to much.

Declutter

Rotate the toys

Have large but finite designated spaces for toys.

My children have one large toy box for 'vehicle' type toys, and one large toy box for everything else. A play kitchen, a cupboard that holds craft supplies, a train set and building blocks . That's really it and I don't feel they are deprived children.

Everything is easily shoved into its box or cupboard and there's no real 'tidying up' chore to be done.

I think you need a better system OP

Good point Different if it is so hard to tidy the toys then surely your DC have got too many? I used to visit a relative whose DC had so many toys - most seemed duplicate of the same thing, that you could barely sit down in her living room, (no play room) quite honestly it was obscene as if she was being overcompensated by having so many toys.

1. ignore any tantrums!
2. get different coloured storage boxes and a kallax unit eg box for lego, box for barbies, box for sylvanians. Make it very clear where everything must go.
3. consequences. If it isn't tidied, it will get taken away. Or if it isnt tidied by tv time etc, tv won't go on until toys are away. The first 2 or 3 days of that you will find they don't believe you will do it, they will miss tv time and you will have a LOT of tears/tantrums, then it will click.

I do sympathise OP, I have a similar problem in that DS is generally good so we have few occasions where consequences are needed, for a long time this meant we were too soft on his few difficult areas (refusal to tidy being a biggy!!). You have to clamp down.

@pickingdaisies

They are 6 and 4. It's up to you to parent. If they wont tidy up room 1, they don't get to play in room 2. Ignore the dramatics. Retreat your instruction, calmly, then ignore. Repeat repeat repeat. No more toys out until these are put away. No Sylvanian until Lego is put away. And for god's sake mean it.

This. You're being too soft and you know it. Tell them no, take stuff off them if they have a tantrum. They have learnt you'll give up after a tantrum.

Around age 6 I started giving my two an option that either they tidied up or I did.

My tidying up involved a bin bag. They very quickly got the hang of tidying up themselves.

Let go of the stress about mixed up toys that's their "problem".

Before age 6 I always helped them, showed them how to do it, made a game of it, made sure they had the stuff they needed to tidy.

I think it's difficult for you right now in a new house with young DC. It'll work out and there's great advice on this thread.

Op I strongly dislike trying to Marshall toys and stopping them being mixed up. The whole point of toys is to stimulate imagination and play and that may mean the sylvanian mice getting mixed up with the lego?

I can't see the problem with that at all.

Re the tidying up and the way you talk about them, it's something to gradually teach rather than expect.

Some children get it faster than others, some children struggle to tidy away.
. You need to as the adult come up with strategies to make it fun for them, time to them, beat their best time, incentives.. Star chart, pocket money, stuff like that.

Many small dc have no understanding of what or why they do something.
I've got an 8 year old who is still learning! Over all she's quite good and likes a tidy room but it's an on going project.

Excellent post mathsanxiety.

I like to think we live in a nice enough house, as in people do walk in and seem to comment on it.
But, it definitely needs a spruce up in terms of a repaint etc. However I've always gone for a child friendly furnishings eg sofas with covers that can be washed, sturdy rugs that can take traffic, floors that can take traffic and being walked on.. No fresh paint in walls so that will take the usual child scribble here and there.
I'm choosing a new kitchen and again it's going to be child friendly, no expensive surfaces for me to worry about being scratched.

I do worry that this obsessive attitude to our homes has gone too far... Children literally allowed a very stilted type of serious play whilst being towered over by adults constantly anxious about their children damaging materials they the adult have chosen to have with children!! They the children didn't ask fit it, nor a new house or cream carpets or granite work tops etc

You need to de clutter more. I’ve just removed the playmobil as it didn’t get looked at and now the playroom is actually tidy as the toys they do play with have a home. It is soul destroying though. My youngest dumps boxes of nonsense out and mixes the toys then has the audacity to ask where things are. Just put it away where it should go. Drives me insane.

I think it's more insane to expect a smaller child than to view plastic gunk as separate entities and expect them to know or care that their toys should be separated.
Educate yourselves on play!

At this age part of it is about acceptance. You'll get through it in a couple of years. But also you can improve your chances by owning less stuff.

Rotate! I always did this as couldn't stand the mess and if the DC have too many toys out they are not really playing with anything. Rotating toys meant that they had a few items to play with then when something new to them arrives it peaks their interest. Give it a try.

Sticker reward charts work a treat at that age.

My approach used to be "anything not put away by X time will be going in this bin bag and taken to the charity shop" and that tended to work.

Keep all different sets of toys in different boxes/baskets and the children only have one each out at a time! This keeps the toys together a little bit more, and also tell them that if they don't put them back in the baskets, they don't have any more out.

Worked with my two, they are now responsible people with lives of their own and good jobs.

Relax with the mixing up of the toys a bit. In about 2 years I reckon half the stuff will be gone anyway. Just remind them as they go along to tidy stuff away. If they don't, they don't get to get them out again.

I use to get a bin bag and start putting toys in and threaten to take them to the tip - they soon learned to clear up! If you’re lucky enough to have a play room why not leave them to it and close the door! They won’t be young forever what’s more important a tidy house or happy kids?

I’d bin the lot.
You don’t respect it, you lose it.

I used to get stressed about the mixing of toys but then I realised that was their way of creative playing. Particularly ds1 who has great lateral thinking and problem solving skills. He will use different toys together to create something from his imagination. I find only getting one thing at a time out was far too rigid for them and they got instantly bored.

Mine are 8,6 and 4 now and the youngest 2 are so lazy they’d prefer not to get any toys out if they think they’ll have to tidy them up. I might say let’s do x and they say great, then look side eyed and say ‘I’m not putting it away tho’ and I’ll say well we can’t get it out then. And they’ll say okay quite cheerily. Then lay on the floor moaning they are bored

Parenting classes may help.
Make a rule of 2 toys at a time. Who is allowing all these toys into the house. Take some to the bin (or charity shop) and DONT replace them or allow more toys in your home. This is nonsense. Please consider Parenting classes. This is your family you’re training. If they can’t be trained at these young years, you will have unsafe dangerously out of control teens and unthinkable adults. This is your responsibility now.