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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re lateness???

146 replies

Ihatelatenessgrrrr · 11/07/2021 10:09

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

OP posts:
Winterfellismyhome · 11/07/2021 10:11

YANBU. Drives me crazy. That isnt even slightly late, its an hour and a half Hmm

FoxVillage · 11/07/2021 10:15

I'd just switch my phone off. Have a nice time with your daughter and head home. Don't let people treat you like that.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 11/07/2021 10:17

It would find it difficult to be friends with someone like that. I would stop making plans with them.

90 minutes is ridiculous.

It’s clear that it’s just not important to her to be on time and she’s happy for you to wait around for her convenience.

bigbaggyeyes · 11/07/2021 10:20

There's being a few minutes late and then there's being fucking rude. In my book 90 mins is fucking rude. Especially as she's told you when she knows you'll already be there. Was she unable to get to a phone this morning? Surely she'd have known she was going to be late in time to tell you BEFORE you left your house

I'd be telling her not to bother and that you're going home.

spinningspaniels · 11/07/2021 10:21

90 minutes isn't late, it's being stood up!

I'd find a better friend.

bigbaggyeyes · 11/07/2021 10:21

Actually no, I've changed my mind, text her back and say ok. Then have a good day with your daughter and leave just before she's due to arrive. Text her when you're home and tel her you decided to leave early

lazyarse123 · 11/07/2021 10:22

I'd go home and give up making plans. It's so rude.

Youdiditanyway · 11/07/2021 10:22

That’s not a little late is it, up to 30 mins perhaps can be accepted but an hour and half?! She’s taking the piss.

Undersnatch · 11/07/2021 10:23

No you’re not unreasonable to be annoyed. I am a bit of a ‘late person’ and I’d consider being 90min late taking the piss. I have a few mum friends when our kids have been small, that it feels ok for arrangements to be very flexible based on what’s going on with kids, but this doesn’t sound like that and no wonder you feel upset. Just go home when you feel like it and text to say so.

MeanyJoany · 11/07/2021 10:24

I would be so cross and I would say "So you are texting me half an hour after you are supposed to be here to tell me you will be an hour and a half late? You didn't know you would be late before so you could text me earlier. Honestly this is very annoying and frankly rude. I'm here since 9.30 as arranged, so come at 11 if you like but we will be long gone"

ChatterMonkey · 11/07/2021 10:25

I would stop telling your daughter that the plan is to meet her friend. Then that way shes not dissapointed, and if friend does show up its just a nice surprise.

And be less available to friend. So situation today, ignore any messages, leave before 11am, and then when they arrive and you get the text to say where are you, then just reply that you couldnt hang around that long, sorry you missed her. Friendly but breezy. Make her feel some of the inconvenience of getting somewhere and then the plans change, she might understand better what she does to you.

Gothichouse40 · 11/07/2021 10:34

I have a friend whose like this and although I haven't ended the friendship, I meet her far less often. I used to think it was because she is quite self absorbed, but I now think there is some sort of issue. I just pick a day where there is no time pressure and Im in the city centre for another reason. I must say, she does text me if shes going to be late(it's usually because she hasnt left the house in time). I think she may be like this with everyone though. My friend in other ways is really lovely, but I just don't meet often for this very reason. Ive got to say she has never left me as late as an hour and a half. I really could not do that to someone.

starfishmummy · 11/07/2021 10:35

Id go and do something nice with your dd instead.

I used to meet a friend who was always late. Never any remorse. Then once I was late and she went mad. Clealrly I had been too nice. It wasnt a frindship that lasted

user1483387154 · 11/07/2021 10:39

Beyond rude. cancel with her and tell her it is because she can not respect you enough to be on time and then go and do something nice with your daughter.

Elsa888 · 11/07/2021 10:43

When people are regularly late for arrangements they are sending you a clear message which is - " my time is more important than your time "

You might want to re-evaluate your friendship with this person.

rantymcrantface66 · 11/07/2021 10:44

No way I'd hang around for an hour and a half at a park with an expectant dc especially as she's likely to be late even then, however it was probably unrealistic to arrange a 9.30 play date on a Sunday with someone who is chronically late. It's very early to be at a park. Also a dc old enough to have play dates with close friends I'd expect to be able to deviate a little from a strict routine. I always found it very limiting when people did this when we'd meet with dc. You're maybe mismatched in that way.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/07/2021 10:49

It's tricky I've a friend who is always late, we accept her never arrange a 1 to 1. She is a professional with ADD. She is lovely funny and busy she can't help it, she was 45 minutes late to her wedding.
I'm an on time kinda person

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/07/2021 10:59

I don't think your friend deliberately set out to be that late. She's probably extremely disorganised and just can't get her act together.

No reason why you should put up with it and I think you should leave before she gets there, do something else nice with your daughter and tell her exactly why.

She's probably already lost friends this way and I'm guessing the daughter is often late and without the right stuff at school.
I used to be like this as a child because I was never taught how to prepare in advance, plan and be on time. Eventually I taught myself to be organised and prepared and I'm frantic about not being late now.

So don't take it personally. By not putting up with it you will be doing her a favour in the long run.

Eviethyme · 11/07/2021 11:01

That's just rude. Surely someone doesn't think it's okay to make someone wait an hour and a half...

Aprilx · 11/07/2021 11:03

I would not wait for her, I value myself and my time more than to sit around for ninety minutes waiting for someone. To me that is a cancellation not running late. If she is always doing this, don’t tell your daughter that you are meeting up with her in future.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/07/2021 11:03

Unless she’s having problems that you’re unaware, it’s more or less saying that her time is more valuable than yours.
Would try another friend for meet ups.

rantymcrantface66 · 11/07/2021 11:06

I used to be like this as a child because I was never taught how to prepare in advance, plan and be on time. Eventually I taught myself to be organised and prepared and I'm frantic about not being late now.

It can be a personality thing too. Dd will arrange to meet a friend at a certain time. I'll remind her constantly she needs to get organised suggest times to do so. She'll say but I don't need to meet til 12.15, I'll point out she needs 15 minutes to get there so needs to leave at 12 etc, remind her she still needs to dry her hair get together her clothes etc, find her bag/purse but she'll still be sat about on her phone at 11.45. It irks me massively as I am a great time keeper and never ever late for anything. She's dyslexic and I'm sure that contributes but all the teaching in the world isn't helping. Could well be the case for OP's friend also

Notaroadrunner · 11/07/2021 11:07

I'd just go home and wouldn't respond to her. That is beyond rude. Encourage your dd to make friends with others whose parents are more respectful of your time.

Scarby9 · 11/07/2021 11:14

Text back, 'That's too late for us today. Have a good day', then carrybon yourselves.
Next time you are arranging something with her and you agree eg. 10am, say ' Now is 20am really okay with you? Because last time it turned out not to be. I'm happy to change it to 11 if that would work better for you, but I don't want to end up there on my own, and I will still need to leave by 12.15'

notanothertakeaway · 11/07/2021 11:33

Text back "ok let's leave it for today, and meet some other time" and get on with your day