Aibu re lateness???

[Ihatelatenessgrrrr]

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

Agree rude

If it’s my mum, friend or partner i will always be there on time unless something major happens

I won’t be sat on sofa or dealing with daily stuff knowing someone is waiting for me

YANBU. Your "friend" just thinks her time is more valuable than yours.

Your ‘friend’ is beyond rude. She is showing you no respect and, as others have said, is telling you your time is not important, but hers is.

If I were you I would not let this continue. You have done so in the past so she thinks it’s ok to keep on treating you in such a cavalier fashion. Next time you make an arrangement, if she isn’t there in the dot, go somewhere else with your dd. Don’t tell dd that a meeting is planned so she isn’t disappointed when her friend is a no show. Do this every time.

When she texts you with some excuse, ignore her. Later, you can reply to say you have just seen her text but when she didn’t show up at x o’clock as agreed you went on somewhere else. Don’t say sorry. Just be factual. Every time. Then, after she has not turned up on time for three / four times I would message her to say there’s no point in making any future arrangements because she never sticks to them and you aren’t prepared to keep disappointing your dd.

I think it's so true when someone gets there on time when is priority in their life so obviously they think there time is more important

@BobbidyBob

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast. Saying that, I am usually no more than 5-10 mins late (I realise this is annoying enough) and have never ever been more than 20 mins late. I’d be mortified at that - never mind an hour and a half! I am working on doing less and setting myself multiple alarms before I leave to keep more of a track on time. It’s a huge personality flaw and causes me so much stress.

always surprised that the clock hands move so fast

How many times does this have to happen before you'll learn?

@BobbidyBob

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast. Saying that, I am usually no more than 5-10 mins late (I realise this is annoying enough) and have never ever been more than 20 mins late. I’d be mortified at that - never mind an hour and a half! I am working on doing less and setting myself multiple alarms before I leave to keep more of a track on time. It’s a huge personality flaw and causes me so much stress.

I’m the same. I really struggle with times. I’ve missed airplanes, I’ve missed trains. What was a game changer for me was changing the time in my head. I have to leave for work at 8.30, so I mentally prepare to leave at 8.15. For big things, I get stuff ready the night before and prepare to leave 30 minutes earlier. I’m never late now.

She thinks her time is more important than yours.

Ugh. I am that person that can never get their shit together no matter how hard I try. That is why I now only arrange things after 1pm (I don’t drive so that doesn’t help).

Good on you OP

@maddiemookins16mum If your one and only train (no others that day) to Heathrow for your flight to your dream holiday costing 20K left your local station at 8am, would you get there at 8.05 or 8.10?

I have missed important flights/trains in the past, yes - although mostly it’d just mean I’d turn up drenched in sweat and incredibly stressed, and only make it by the skin of my teeth. Now I have a husband and kids, I am generally better as it would impact them (and my husband helps me time-manage). I know it’s annoying. I know I need to do better and I am trying. It’s one of those things that sounds so easy on paper but I suspect I probably have mild-moderate ADHD (not just this, but other parts of my personality too) as it is something I’ve tried to change about myself since I’ve been aware of it.

Grow up yourself, @MotherFuckerzzzz, it doesn’t impact you. I have plenty of friends and a lovely husband who recognise that everyone has parts of their personality that are far from ideal and this is mine. Yours, apparently, is rudeness. I’ve been trying to work on my time keeping since I was a teen (difficult as my parents are also always, always late - I genuinely didn’t realise that not everyone was until I got to uni). Would you genuinely find a friend turning up 5-10 mins ‘stressful’? Why? Although I’m often late I do have a couple of friends the same as me. I’ll get a coffee, check my phone, give my mum a call while I’m waiting… if it’s only 5-10 mins I have no problem at all filling that time. Especially if they do the same as me and send a text - “running behind, be there in 5” or “go in without me, I’ll catch you up in 5”.

I just think it's really rude. Shows a lack of respect for the person bring met.

@Brefugee

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast.

you'd be arriving to find me gone. Every time. It is just so bloody rude. Assuming you get to work ok? get flights for holidays ok?

Why would you assume that? No, I struggle to get to work on time. I have found myself a job where there are “core hours” and the hours either side are flexible so I can arrive somewhere between 8-10am and be on time. Yes, I have missed flights for holidays. This is something I massively struggle with. You’d be gone every time because you can’t wait 5-10 mins? Cool, we definitely wouldn’t get on so that’d be no loss to me. Hope you don’t expect anyone to be forgiving of any personality flaws you have… or do you believe you don’t have any?!

@Ihatelatenessgrrrr

So I text her back to say that it was a bit unfair on DD to wait that long and that she doesn't want to play until her daughter gets there and said let's postpone.. Took DD for a Mcdonalds breakfast as a treat instead. Feel disappointed for her as she was a so looking forward to it, but as you say there's being late and there's taking the p... Said friend has replied apologising and said we're welcome to come over instead 🙄

That was very good of you.

I wouldn't have replied to the text, told your child friend can't manage and then taken her for a treat somewhere.

I'd let your friend arrive there to find you gone and the text her to say you didn't seriously expect me to wait 90 mins for you?

That'll teach her

If and when you feel ready to talk to her about it I'd say something along the lines of "I'm not sure if you realise but we already factor in your lateness so that we arent stood around waiting for hours on end. Even with that, you still keep us waiting for hours. My time is not yours to waste. Its rude and unfair on dd"

Then see what she says

@Ihatelatenessgrrrr

I think pp who said about encouraging DD to be friends with people more respectful is definitely struck a chord with me. I'm always the walkover and doormat but when it comes to DD I just won't. If we make plans again I won't tell DD in advance and I certainly won't be leaving until she texts me to say she's leaving.. It's sad as her daughter is my daughters best friend, but the look of sadness on her face today wasn't worth it at all :( she deserves better.

And so do you. 💐

Make it not manage

@UnderperformingSeal I don’t know. Every time I’ll think ‘I’ll just have a quick shower… oh, I’ll pop on a towel wash first… oh, the dryer needs emptied… right, into the shower - oh, where’s the shower gel? One of the kids has hidden it…” and a 5 min shower turns into 20 mins and then I’m behind. It’s like I just can’t see I’m doing it - I need someone to actually say GET IN THE BLOODY SHOWER AND STOP FAFFING. I said upthread I think I probably have ADHD, as this inability to focus and distractability pervades everything I do.

@FoxVillage do you find that you know you’ve left yourself extra time, though, so you almost try and fit more in? I’ve tried setting the clocks in the house a little early too, but because I know I’ve done it I mentally adjust them anyway. I hate the way my brain works (or doesn’t) sometimes - I annoy myself.

An hour & a half? That's way more than being late/a bit delayed. Was there a reason?

I would have text back and said sorry we are here not, not really fair my DD had to wait 90 minutes, let's skip today and rearrange.

@HalzTangz

I would have text back and said sorry we are here not, not really fair my DD had to wait 90 minutes, let's skip today and rearrange.

Why though so OP has had to come out of the house and made the effort.

I'd not have replied to the text and let her go to the inconvenience of coming to the park to find op already gone.

Let her be inconvenienced and see how it feels feels be stood up.

For the people who think I’m a really terrible person for often being late, I want to clarify that I originally commented on the thread to say that OP’s friend was completely unreasonable - for obvious reasons I’m forgiving of people being 5-10 mins late (as several other people have said) but 1.5 hours is soooo not acceptable, ever. I don’t think I worded my first reply very well - distracted as usual and lost my point.

Wait until 5 mins before she’s due to arrive, send her a text saying somethings come up and you need to leave, then walk away. Let her have a taste of what it’s like to be let down at the last minute.

@melj1213

I hate lateness - I have anxiety and was brought up with the maxim that "early is on time, on time is late" so I have spent my adult years trying to balance that with having flexibility over minor lateness and generally events fall into two broad categories.

If it is something formal or a booked event with strict times (buses/trains, activities, appointments etc) then I will not abide lateness - if we have a 9.30am meeting you need to be sitting across the table and ready to start at 9.30am, not wandering through the door at 9.30 and needing 10 minutes to get set up/prepared etc. A one off lateness of 5/10 minutes is fine, everyone has an unexpected emergency occasionally, but if you are regularly late then I will just carry on regardless.

For social events or casual "let's meet for coffee" type events then I'm a bit more flexible about lateness - I meet one friend for coffee every Wednesday after the school run. My DD gets to school independently whereas my friend has younger children that she has to physically drop off at school. Depending on traffic at the school or if she needs to speak to the teacher about something etc "after the school run" can mean she turns up at any point between 8.55am-9.15am. If she is running particularly late then she will message but I don't have issue with her being "late" as I know it is because of situations out of her control and she will turn up asap ... if it got to 9.30 and she messaged to say she went home to hoover the living room or went to do some other errands and would be there soon I would be pissed off as she would be making an explicit decision to leave me waiting.

There are some people I never arrange to do anything with if there are strict timetables because they are never on time and I refuse to waste time/money on them and there are are also some people that I only ever arrange to meet casually, in a group, so that if they don't show then it doesn't impact anyone else.

Agree with this. I have a friend who's always late but in complete denial about the fact. She always drives so she used to pick me up if we were going out, however she always made me late so I just started arranging to meet her at the venue. If I'm going to the theatre I want to be there 20 minutes early not rushing in last minute, she is would turn up at 7.29pm for a 7.30 start... Last minute and stressful.

I went to an event that started at 3pm yesterday, arrived 2.40. However the first 20 minutes were ruined by about 30% of the attendees rocking up late and disrupting the performance. People are flaky, entitled and shit.