Aibu re lateness???

[Ihatelatenessgrrrr]

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

People do this, because they can. They just assume some mug will wait for them.

One friend I knew was like this. Occasionally she just wouldn’t turn up, send you a message hours later telling you she did something else or decided not to come. I stopped making an effort and she had the cheek to be annoyed.

Yanbu obviously 😅
However I think you were a bit daft to make an arrangement with someone who is ‘ALWAYS late’ and not double check when she was leaving etc.

I’ve a couple of friends who are often late and I find it’s easier for me to manage their lateness rather than getting them to change. I get them to text me when they are leaving or I get them to pick me up or for me to pick them up. I don’t rely on them being punctual.
I’ve stopped inviting one friend to a group activity as she would keep the rest of us waiting every time. We gave her a couple of chances and I very kindly and nicely told her that it was irritating but she still didn’t come on time.

10 - 15 minutes is an acceptable margin. After that, it is just bloody rude. I used to run meetings for a team of fairly young people - who would trickle in up to half an hour late and expect repeats. I explained if they wanted the info they could show up on time. It took care of that. If it was social I would go home and tell her you were not prepared to wait any longer.

Just cheeky. No more chasing her op. My friend was late for school meetings too. Its an awful bad habit. Your poor daughter.

I wouldn't have replied - I'd have just got on with my day and headed off before 11.
Then when she got to the park and contacted you, would have breezily said that plans had changed.
Then if I ever arranged to meet her again, I wouldn't tell my daughter, and preferably would meet up in a group, so wouldn't notice her absence as much when she's late.

I think pp who said about encouraging DD to be friends with people more respectful is definitely struck a chord with me. I'm always the walkover and doormat but when it comes to DD I just won't. If we make plans again I won't tell DD in advance and I certainly won't be leaving until she texts me to say she's leaving.. It's sad as her daughter is my daughters best friend, but the look of sadness on her face today wasn't worth it at all :( she deserves better.

That's really rude to you and mean to your daughter.

I wouldn't make any plans with her now unless other people going too/I was going anyway (and don't tell your daughter that there is a possibility that they may turn up).

Has struck not is struck..

I would have just left without letting your friend know.
She how she likes being left standing like a lemon

That's awful for you and your DD, I'd quietly drop her as a friend. I don't mind anything up to 20 minutes, I get it but after that it's unacceptable. It's really hard on kids too to have flaky, last minute, disorganised parents. My dd has a best friend who's mum is a total flake and the poor girl is always anxious and having to cajole her mum. She loves hanging round with us as she's knows we'll be organised and on time.

I had words with a friend who was always 40+ minutes late and told her I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. Now she's early for everything!

YANBU to hate lateness. Being able to contact people if you are late may seem good manners, but sadly makes it easier not to make the effort to be on time.

Your friend should work for George Galloway or Rowan Atkinson who both are known for lateness.

YANBU

she's a twat. I'd leave now and not even wait for her

I hate people who are late. It's so disrespectful. I would distance yourself from her.

I ended a friendship over lateness and unthoughtfulness. She was always late for everything. Final straw was when she'd moved house, 1 hours drive away, was coming to mine at 11am one day, I told her I was going out at 1pm. Got a phone call from her at 11. 15am to say she was just leaving her house as her neighbour had just popped round and she didn't want to be rude by not inviting her in. She had no qualms about being rude to me though. Haven't seen her for years, thank goodness!

I also have a friend who is dyslexic who is often late and also get dates mixed up.
She once booked concert tickets for herself and her friend but gave her friend the wrong date. She rang her friend on the day of the concert telling her she would be picking her up in 30 mins. The friend was told the concert was a week later, was obviously not prepared and missed the concert. The other friend took her bf to the concert instead.

Like another poster said, when I make plans with this particular friend, I tell her to let me know when she is on her way to the venue/meeting point.

It’s not so much of an issue when we meet up with mutual friends, but she likes to organise events so we ensure we all have possession of our own tickets beforehand so we’re not waiting around for her.

You're just not as high on her priority list as she is on yours...

You say the children are "best friends", but such a rigid nap/lunch time sounds like the routine of a... under 3? Friendships at that age are as changeable as the wind. Let them play together at nursery or wherever, but stop organising things with this other child outside of that fixed time, and your DD will quickly forget about her/move on to someone else.

Stop twisting yourself in knots to accommodate this other child and her intensely irritating mother.

YANBU. That is just plain rude and shows a total lack of consideration for you and your own time.

This happened to me once, so I don’t blame you OP. I was meeting three other mums (and their three little ones who were friends with my DD) The arrangement was to meet at 9.30am at a park about 10 mins drive from me.
By 10.30am still no sign of ANY of them, then the WhatsApp messages trickled through, each of them saying along the lines of “sorry we are running late” - one turned up 10.45am, second mum turned up 10.55am and the third at 11am.
I actually said to each one as they arrived “I thought we were meeting at 9.30am” and they each looked sheepish. They knew they had pissed me off. I only stayed because I had already told my DD (who was 3) that her friends were coming.

I promised myself since then I would not put up with that. Since then I don’t tell my DD who we are meeting up with, that way she isn’t disappointed.

YANBU at all.

Everyone can be late once in a while but to do it regularly is obnoxious. I understand there will be some people where MH issues or other issues are a genuine reason for lateness but, generally, if you know you are prone to lateness I don’t believe you can’t take steps to be on time. Im saying this as someone who is naturally a bit disorganised and forgetful. However I KNOW That I am so Im extremely careful to always note things in my phone calendar and to set up reminders and alarms.

I’ll also check and double check things.

It’s so much less stressful to be organized and punctual even if it’s relatively hard work for me to achieve it.

This is one of my pet peeves. 20 minutes late on rare occasion, fine. Consistently late and by a long period of time? Rude and a sign of poor planning. I have two children myself and do my best to still be on time by starting to prepare to leave a bit earlier. I have had a few friends and family members in my time who are always notoriously late. To me what it says is that they view their time as being more valuable than mine, it's a rather unattractive and self-centered way of approaching friendships.
The fact that your friend has said you're still welcome to come to hers would irk me even more to be honest as what she's effectively said is "I'm happy to see you as long as it's literally of no effort to me". Sorry for you and your daughter's disappointment OP, you did the right thing in leaving to have a maccys instead.

I have a friend like this. I don’t take my kids to meet with her anymore as my youngest can’t wait (asd) so by the time she’d get there he’d be ready to go. Sad as she’s great with him and he enjoys her company.

So now I pick her up if we are meeting nearby so I can go in for a coffee or wait until her train is here before leaving to meet. I once waited over an hour on my own in Wetherspoons which is somewhere I don’t really like and i was quite annoyed and she seems clueless and almost laughs it off. I’ve text and she’s not even left the house and it’s time to meet and she’s at least 40 mins away. It’s quite rude.

I’m dyslexic, totally agree re confusion with time and dates. However, it’s not an excuse it’s a difficulty you need to find a way to make work for you, I set alarms and timers all the time. Everything is on the calendar (and checked twice before adding) I’m never late, more of an early person so I don’t mind waiting for a bit but people can take the piss.
Don’t put up with it op. Hopefully you cAn meet up with some less flaky friends

I'd stop suggesting meeting up with her.

@rantymcrantface66

I used to be like this as a child because I was never taught how to prepare in advance, plan and be on time. Eventually I taught myself to be organised and prepared and I'm frantic about not being late now.

It can be a personality thing too. Dd will arrange to meet a friend at a certain time. I'll remind her constantly she needs to get organised suggest times to do so. She'll say but I don't need to meet til 12.15, I'll point out she needs 15 minutes to get there so needs to leave at 12 etc, remind her she still needs to dry her hair get together her clothes etc, find her bag/purse but she'll still be sat about on her phone at 11.45. It irks me massively as I am a great time keeper and never ever late for anything. She's dyslexic and I'm sure that contributes but all the teaching in the world isn't helping. Could well be the case for OP's friend also

Sorry but I'm dyslexic and don't struggle with this. Please don't make offensive generalisations.

Do keep on at your daughter about learning this though. As it's a really basic and essential life skill.

DD has been asleep for the last couple of hours, we had a run around near the park near us after maccys.. Said friend has just tried to video call me now.. I haven't answered. I don't like to be petty. But it's one thing to be late and it's just an adult you're meeting, not saying it's right or OK.. But I could deal with the disappointment.. But a small child who was looking forward to seeing her best friend, it's just not on. I know ill see her tomorrow at nursery and she'll act as if she's done nothing wrong. I think I will distance myself a bit because I don't want the disappointment for DD and for her to learn it's OK to be treated like that.

Hate this. I am a gp carer and my gs's mum when she visits is always late. I don't mean ten minutes. I mean as much as 2 hours. Seeing him get ready and having to tell him she will not be coming til later is just awful. He began going to bed. Just not acceptable. Tells him how far down the pecking order he was/is. He will not see her at the moment and tbh, I fully understand his decision now he is older.

When dd2 was at school she had a friend whose parents I was not sure about - Self important and humourless but you cannot pick your kids' friends. One day dd2 was invited to tea. I was told they may be 10 mins late so use their door key and go in. We did and sat there for over an hour in the cold, no heating or anything in January. She eventually arrived after I left to collect my other child. I called in on the way back and told her in no uncertain terms how rude she was. I told her that everyone's time was important not just hers and we wouldn't be coming again. She was astounded.

Don't bother with this so called friend again.