Aibu re lateness???

[Ihatelatenessgrrrr]

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

This is my pet hate! Its so so bloody rude to be persistently late, it assumes that you have nothing better to do than wait around for them! It actually makes my blood boil its just so arrogant. I used to have a friend who did this, we are no longer friends!

PP mentioned ADD 'she can't help it'
I've got ADD , I'm never late.
She can help it , it's just rude.

She can manage to get to work on time I'm sure.

@JSL52

PP mentioned ADD 'she can't help it' I've got ADD , I'm never late. She can help it , it's just rude.

She can manage to get to work on time I'm sure.

You do realise that ADD affects different people differently, right?

I’m dyslexic but I don’t think you’d know from my writing. If you asked me to read aloud, however…

What came first - your friendship with the mum or the children’s friendship? If the children were friends first, I hate to say it, but she might not see your friendship in the same way you do.

Either way, letting your daughter down in that way is not on. I’d not bother arranging anything else until the children are old enough that she can be dropped off on her own.

Yeah, DH has ADD (inattentive type), he’s late for everything. It’s that lack of focus that makes getting out of the door hard for him too.
5-10 mins late isn’t a problem but an hour and a half is ridiculous OP. You did the right thing in calling her out on it.

Nope ..that's not acceptable ...especially as she must have known you were already there !!!
Letting you know she'd be 10 minutes late is one thing ....90 mins just disrespectful

@zingally

You're just not as high on her priority list as she is on yours...

You say the children are "best friends", but such a rigid nap/lunch time sounds like the routine of a... under 3? Friendships at that age are as changeable as the wind. Let them play together at nursery or wherever, but stop organising things with this other child outside of that fixed time, and your DD will quickly forget about her/move on to someone else.

Stop twisting yourself in knots to accommodate this other child and her intensely irritating mother.

I was thinking just this. A child this smalls ‘best friend’ amounts to most children at childcare if they go or their parents friends kids they see the most. If you don’t mention or nurture their friendship she will move onto another child I’m sure.

This is something I massively struggle with. You’d be gone every time because you can’t wait 5-10 mins? Cool, we definitely wouldn’t get on so that’d be no loss to me. Hope you don’t expect anyone to be forgiving of any personality flaws you have… or do you believe you don’t have any?!

Glad you found a job that suits you. I probably have plenty of personality traits that people don't like. If they tell me and it's something I can/want to change then I'd probably give it a go. I wouldn't, as many chronic late comers do, laugh it off as "oh ditzy me!" if it seriously bothered them. As a result I've found that my friends are either good timekeeper or we make arrangements that won't be impacted by their lateness. But my days of missing ferries (happened) films (happened more than once) or gigs (nearly. And in the end I left their ticket at the kiosk after a lot of sweet talking, for them to pick up. They arrived about 2 songs before the encore and moaned about how much 5 Springsteen songs had cost them. At what was possibly the longest rock gig in history)

So no. Time keeping is pretty much one of my firmest boundaries. Army brat, what can I say?

Also @BobbidyBob thsnks for the insight into how your preparations go. Do you make a checklist? (I have a dyslexic friend who does that - it usually cuts her lateness down to about 10 minutes and I will always wait if I can because she will text if she sees it slipping. We also don't arrange to meet for events very often though.

[quote BobbidyBob]**@FoxVillage* do you find that you know* you’ve left yourself extra time, though, so you almost try and fit more in? I’ve tried setting the clocks in the house a little early too, but because I know I’ve done it I mentally adjust them anyway. I hate the way my brain works (or doesn’t) sometimes - I annoy myself.[/quote]
I used to be terrible for it, but I put a whiteboard in my kitchen, so I write the time on it and circle it. If I have extra things to do, for example, if my kids need a packed lunch, I make a checklist.

So, I used to think that if work starts at 9.30 am. It takes 25 minutes to drive there, so I leave at 9.00 am and I was always late. Now I aim to leave at 8.30 am. I just keep the time 8.30 in my head. I always end up leaving at least 10/15 minutes late, but even then I have 15 minutes buffer time on the other end, so I'm always on time now even if I run into bad traffic.

I think it is possible fo people with ADD and other disorders to find ways to manage their problems. I know how hard it is because I struggle so much too, but things like making lists, setting alarms on your phone. Doing the important things first. It really helps a lot.

Sorry, that doesn't make sense. Basically, I add a 15 minute buffer to either end. I plan to leave 15 minutes early and arrive 15 minutes early, so it's 30 minutes in total. I do try and do things, but basically once I get past the time I decided to leave, I start getting panicky, so I hurry myself up.

@FoxVillage That makes total sense! I’m going to try and do that! Thanks.

Grow up.

I bet it causes other people more stress than it causes you.

That's a horrible response Mother to someone who was explaining her situation and how it feels for her, and not excusing herself.

Bobbidy I think you explained your challenge really well. And you weren't in anyway saying that being late by 1.5 hours was ok.

Just wondering if your friend who is late showed up late for the nursery this morning @Ihatelatenessgrrrr or were they on time? It would speak volumes to me if they could be on time or even early for nursery but not a pre-arranged meet up session outside of that environment.
Hope you're doing ok.

@Brefugee

Also *@BobbidyBob* thsnks for the insight into how your preparations go. Do you make a checklist? (I have a dyslexic friend who does that - it usually cuts her lateness down to about 10 minutes and I will always wait if I can because she will text if she sees it slipping. We also don't arrange to meet for events very often though.

I always, always text with as much notice as possible if I see that I’ve tied myself in knots. I don’t do the checklist thing only because I find other “jobs” along the way - so I’d put 3 things on the list (shower, dress, pack a lunch) and I’d end up doing shower, put the towels in the wash after, dress, get distracted and start looking for a pair of earrings, make packed lunch, unload the dishwasher while I’m there. I always think “oh it’ll just take a second” but obviously it all adds up and suddenly I’m 5 minutes late to leave. If I tell myself to set of 15 mins early, I find I’ve got that at the back of my head and I’ll try to fit even more in because then I tell myself “I don’t really need to leave until xxx”. As I’m writing it I know people are going to be like well just…. Don’t? But I honestly don’t even realise I’m doing it until it’s too late. Unless my husband’s there to say I’m doing it again. My parents were/are both exactly the same - sounds like yours were the opposite! That probably plays into it, too.

It is hard and it is really really stressful. I like the whiteboard because it helps me having it written down rather than just in my head. I can keep focussed on the tasks I know I have to do and not get distracted as much, but I think different techniques work for different people. I hope you can find something that helps you!

I think people with learning disabilities that cause them to struggle with time keeping and organisation some leeway should be given as it’s sometimes really hard to be organised and keep time. I’m dyslexic, my son has asd.

I was always always late for school, I ran late everywhere. And it did impact me as people would be annoyed and I got lines at school etc. I’m not sure when it changed. I’m a nurse so need to give medicines on time, etc I’m now a bit the other way with time keeping but am clumsy and disorganised which annoys me. My son takes forever to get ready and leave the house to the point I get him ready an hour before leaving although school mornings are particularly stressful. I have lots of reminders and alarms/lists on my phone too. Not that I always remember to check them. I think people think dyslexia is just about not being able to read. I read really well. However it’s all the other stuff I struggled with at school and some I still do. I have lots of ‘coping strategies’ and I don’t use it as an excuse just an explanation to why I struggle and how I manage it. I’ve never been late for work - I’m early so I can go for a cup of tea before handover I hate rushing too as you forget things and I like to have time in case of accidents etc.

Lateness is a sign of how much of a priority the meeting is to you.

I agree with this to a large extent. Everyone accepts things happen, especially when you have small kids in tow. There’s traffic, someone knocks on the door just as you’re about to leave, you need to change the baby unexpectedly. Whatever. But 10 minutes is the limit without a damn good reason and a grovelling apology. Saying you can’t get there until 11, when you’ve arranged 9.30 and you know full well that the other person is going to be there waiting for you? That’s unbelievably rude. I think you did the right thing and I’d be very wary of making arrangements with her again.

OP as I would have predicted there have been lots of comments saying "oh but I have a problem and it's not you it's my condition". Despite the fact that they can manage to be on time for a job interview, a flight, or dare I say it, to watch an "important" football match, just fine.

It just comes down to being rude and disrespectful of a friend's time. How many jobs do you need to be sacked from before you work out a method to get to work on time? I am guessing not many.

I don’t do the checklist thing only because I find other “jobs” along the way

@BobbidyBob - i trained myself to ignore things that aren't on my (mental) list of things to do and if i see that i'm going to be pressed for time because of something unforseen i try to have my schedule arranged that i can miss things out.

But that's YEARS of living in a military family