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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re lateness???

146 replies

Ihatelatenessgrrrr · 11/07/2021 10:09

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/07/2021 15:31

@starfishmummy

Id go and do something nice with your dd instead.

I used to meet a friend who was always late. Never any remorse. Then once I was late and she went mad. Clealrly I had been too nice. It wasnt a frindship that lasted

Did you point out how many times she had been late to meet you, and what a hypocrite she was being, @starfishmummy?
starfishmummy · 11/07/2021 16:02

Of course. But that was different HmmBiscuit

Livpool · 11/07/2021 16:26

Me and DH are friends with someone like this (more him than me). She is awful and cancels last minute as well as being late. Thankfully DH has finally had enough and we are low contact. It is so rude

notanothertakeaway · 11/07/2021 16:53

Just let the kids play at nursery

Life's too short to waste time with people who have no respect for you

EveryoneIsThere · 11/07/2021 16:57

@Ihatelatenessgrrrr

DD has been asleep for the last couple of hours, we had a run around near the park near us after maccys.. Said friend has just tried to video call me now.. I haven't answered. I don't like to be petty. But it's one thing to be late and it's just an adult you're meeting, not saying it's right or OK.. But I could deal with the disappointment.. But a small child who was looking forward to seeing her best friend, it's just not on. I know ill see her tomorrow at nursery and she'll act as if she's done nothing wrong. I think I will distance myself a bit because I don't want the disappointment for DD and for her to learn it's OK to be treated like that.
When I’ve got annoyed with friends after they have consistently been late and have inconvenienced me I’ve told them that it annoys me. Not saying anything isn’t going to achieve anything. I think it’s better to honest. I’ve been polite about it but I’ve clearly said it annoys me as I’ve hurried to get their on time and that it’s annoying just sitting around waiting when I could be doing something else. I think if you are good friends with someone you ‘owe’ them to be honest.
ithoughtisawapuddycat · 11/07/2021 17:09

I have a couple of friends like this who are always a bit late but we're talking 5-15 minutes. Doesn't bother me as I expect it but 90 minutes and I'd have gone home.

Although neither of my friends who run a little late would ever make me wait that long unless it was something drastic or an emergency in which case I'd be going to them to help.

bumblingbovine49 · 11/07/2021 17:10

I'm pretty unfazed by lateness in cases as described I e not where something is booked or a meal etc but 90 mins is way way too long. I start getting annoyed after about half an hour and I think of have left after an hour at the most

BobbidyBob · 11/07/2021 17:22

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast. Saying that, I am usually no more than 5-10 mins late (I realise this is annoying enough) and have never ever been more than 20 mins late. I’d be mortified at that - never mind an hour and a half! I am working on doing less and setting myself multiple alarms before I leave to keep more of a track on time. It’s a huge personality flaw and causes me so much stress.

BrilliantBetty · 11/07/2021 17:40

Definitely distance yourself.

It is completely fair enough to not want to be left waiting for a late friend repeatedly. Your time is valuable.

maddiemookins16mum · 11/07/2021 18:18

@BobbidyBob

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast. Saying that, I am usually no more than 5-10 mins late (I realise this is annoying enough) and have never ever been more than 20 mins late. I’d be mortified at that - never mind an hour and a half! I am working on doing less and setting myself multiple alarms before I leave to keep more of a track on time. It’s a huge personality flaw and causes me so much stress.
If your one and only train (no others that day) to Heathrow for your flight to your dream holiday costing 20K left your local station at 8am, would you get there at 8.05 or 8.10?
melj1213 · 11/07/2021 19:12

I hate lateness - I have anxiety and was brought up with the maxim that "early is on time, on time is late" so I have spent my adult years trying to balance that with having flexibility over minor lateness and generally events fall into two broad categories.

If it is something formal or a booked event with strict times (buses/trains, activities, appointments etc) then I will not abide lateness - if we have a 9.30am meeting you need to be sitting across the table and ready to start at 9.30am, not wandering through the door at 9.30 and needing 10 minutes to get set up/prepared etc. A one off lateness of 5/10 minutes is fine, everyone has an unexpected emergency occasionally, but if you are regularly late then I will just carry on regardless.

For social events or casual "let's meet for coffee" type events then I'm a bit more flexible about lateness - I meet one friend for coffee every Wednesday after the school run. My DD gets to school independently whereas my friend has younger children that she has to physically drop off at school. Depending on traffic at the school or if she needs to speak to the teacher about something etc "after the school run" can mean she turns up at any point between 8.55am-9.15am. If she is running particularly late then she will message but I don't have issue with her being "late" as I know it is because of situations out of her control and she will turn up asap ... if it got to 9.30 and she messaged to say she went home to hoover the living room or went to do some other errands and would be there soon I would be pissed off as she would be making an explicit decision to leave me waiting.

There are some people I never arrange to do anything with if there are strict timetables because they are never on time and I refuse to waste time/money on them and there are are also some people that I only ever arrange to meet casually, in a group, so that if they don't show then it doesn't impact anyone else.

MotherFuckerzzzz · 11/07/2021 19:12

@BobbidyBob

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast. Saying that, I am usually no more than 5-10 mins late (I realise this is annoying enough) and have never ever been more than 20 mins late. I’d be mortified at that - never mind an hour and a half! I am working on doing less and setting myself multiple alarms before I leave to keep more of a track on time. It’s a huge personality flaw and causes me so much stress.
Grow up.

I bet it causes other people more stress than it causes you.

windysocks · 11/07/2021 19:31

Late people think their time is more important than yours. Winds me up

Scarby9 · 11/07/2021 20:09

I went on a speed awareness course.

At the start, the course leader asked why people speed, and people listed everything you would expect, including running late, busy lives, appointments etc.

Then he pointed out that everyone of us had arrived for the course at least 10 minutes early, and some as much as an hour early. How had we managed that?

Well, the letter said that if we weren't here on time we wouldn't be allowed to do the course, and would have to pay the fine and get the points on our licenses.

He pointed out that what we were saying was that, if it was important to us, we planned ahead, checked our routes, prioritised setting off early, left time for possible hold-ups etc.

Lateness is a sign of how much of a priority the meeting is to you.

coodawoodashooda · 11/07/2021 20:13

Thats awful.

DrManhattan · 11/07/2021 20:14

90 mins, I wouldn't be meeting anymore. She doesn't respect you at all

1FootInTheRave · 11/07/2021 20:30

Rude as fuck.

INeedNewShoes · 11/07/2021 20:37

I have a friend like this. In the end I wouldn't leave the house to travel to wherever we were meeting until I'd had a text from her saying she was setting off.

Learned the hard way after multiple meet-ups where I had arranged to meet with our baby/toddler DDs and by the time she'd turned up we'd had enough of wherever we were meeting or it would be approaching lunchtime by the time she turned up for a morning meeting.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 11/07/2021 21:09

I had a manager that was always late, she always took over from my shift meaning I was always off work late. She didn’t care and wouldn’t let me claim any time back from being off late incase she got caught. In the end I had to find the courage to say something. It was awful.

Starseeking · 11/07/2021 21:56

Years ago, an ex friend once left me sitting waiting for her for almost an hour and a half. She only lived about 40 minutes away, but by the time she'd answered my calls asking where she was she claimed to be "nearly there". She was "nearly there" for almost an hour!

I really dislike lateness to the point where I will now only wait 15 minutes if meeting someone somewhere, unless they have a very good excuse (trains unexpectedly delayed etc).

Brefugee · 11/07/2021 22:03

I’m chronically late. The epitome of “time optimist” - I always genuinely believe I’ll be able to fit in all the things I want/need to do before I leave and am always surprised that the clock hands move so fast.

you'd be arriving to find me gone. Every time. It is just so bloody rude. Assuming you get to work ok? get flights for holidays ok?

Hankunamatata · 11/07/2021 22:25

Did she say why she was so late?

FrenchBoule · 11/07/2021 22:41

@Scarby9

I went on a speed awareness course.

At the start, the course leader asked why people speed, and people listed everything you would expect, including running late, busy lives, appointments etc.

Then he pointed out that everyone of us had arrived for the course at least 10 minutes early, and some as much as an hour early. How had we managed that?

Well, the letter said that if we weren't here on time we wouldn't be allowed to do the course, and would have to pay the fine and get the points on our licenses.

He pointed out that what we were saying was that, if it was important to us, we planned ahead, checked our routes, prioritised setting off early, left time for possible hold-ups etc.

Lateness is a sign of how much of a priority the meeting is to you.

This.

If it’s important people are able to get their bum into gear to not to miss out

MichelleScarn · 11/07/2021 22:44

It's the people who think it's a quirk that they're 'famed for that really annoy me! And like pp said the focus on how it affects them, not thinking at all about the people they inconvenience.

Viviennemary · 11/07/2021 22:47

I would stay for a bit then go and have a coffee somewhere. She's not worth bothering with.