Aibu re lateness???

[Ihatelatenessgrrrr]

Name changed for this.. Regular poster.
Am I being unreasonable re lateness???arranged to meet a friend who is ALWAYS late for everything.. I allow a certain bit of leeway because her daughter is my daughters best friend.. I'm annoyingly punctual but I always leave 10 minutes after I'm supposed to to allow for her lateness. Arranged to meet them at the park for 9.30am..shes now text saying she won't be here till 11am after we've just got here.. Knowing full well I will need to leave by 12.15pm to get back for DDs lunch and nap.. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed because I'm a single working parent who never gets one minutes peace but I still manage to get out of the door on time and be where I'm supposed to be?? DD is really disappointed her friend isn't here yet and being with mummy just isn't cutting it and she doesn't want to play :( feel so cross but don't know if I'm being unreasonable???

"I'd just go home and wouldn't respond to her. That is beyond rude. Encourage your dd to make friends with others whose parents are more respectful of your time."

^^ this is excellent advice.

YNBU to be annoyed. 10/15 minutes occasionally can happen to anyone, especially when little kids are involved. But 90 minutes is ridiculous, I think it is rude and entitled to expect anyone to wait that long. If the time was too early and she knew she would struggle to be ready by then, why not just say? That's surely better than what actually happened here.

I'd be inclined to do what others have said and stop/reduce making plans. Although I appreciate that it is difficult when the children are close. The other option is possibly to not tell your DD in advance, then it's a surprise if her friend comes but not a disappointment if she doesn't .

That’s not late, it’s a rearranged time (by her).
I hate lateness.
I bet these people that are always ‘late’ and ‘can’t help it, no matter how they try’, wouldn’t be late for important life events or a really important holiday. I wonder if they’re late for interviews, urgent medical appointments.

She must have known she was going to be very late so she should have let you know before you left home. I’m sometimes running a bit late but an hour and a half is ridiculous. I wouldn’t bother making plans with the mum again, it’s not fair on your daughter. Could you just have your daughters friend round to play in future and pick her up so that she can’t be late? You could then take them both to the park or whatever.

90 minutes isn’t late, it’s an entirely different arrangement altogether. Like you going to the cinema only for her to text “actually I’m at the bowling”. I’d stop making arrangements with her.

Agree with everyone

Also does she lack assertiveness? So she prefers the later time but didn’t say and then it all went wrong? Self sabotaging? It’s such an odd thing to do I wonder why she did it?

@rantymcrantface66 - but you 're absolutely doing the right thing it will sink in eventually and at least your telling her how to do it, even if its rinse repeat and repeat again

I know 2 people who are always late, one way my best friend in my late teens 20's. We were late for flights, ferries, weddings. It was very stressful. I now know she is bi polar and was probably high at the time and trying to for too much into her time! The other person is my daughter who is about to be assessed for ADD. She loses sense of time completely and then cannot be rushed without getting very stressed.
I guess what I am trying to say is she may have something going on medically, or she might just be disrespectful!!

It's so rude and a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I'm always early or on time. I had a freind who was always late and it became very annoying. In my view they are telling you quite clearly that their time is more valuable than yours. It's not.

So what did you end up telling her op?

Op suit yourself. My friend is like this. We met at a cafe I had to firmly say he closing at x time. I know its only 10 or 15 mins but Im always on time myself. This drives me mad

I bet these people that are always ‘late’ and ‘can’t help it, no matter how they try’, wouldn’t be late for important life events or a really important holiday. I wonder if they’re late for interviews, urgent medical appointments.

I just wanted to add, because I am a late person (but greatly reformed in recent years!) In my late days you are right I wasn’t late for flights or job interviews. Because I would be in a massive stress about them. I wouldn’t sleep the night before, would check the times over and over again. Would be massively early and all the time hugely anxious about being late. I remember trying the same with the kids school for a while. But it just wasn’t sustainable. I just couldn’t take that kind of stress and lack of sleep for longer than a couple of weeks.

(The way I have reformed actually is not to have any getting up extra early or big stresses. Just set alarm for last minute-ish, get up, get ready, go. I know this is so obvious it makes me sound thick. I’m not in general, I just had a massive mental block on this for some reason.)

I’m not trying to make excuses but it’s more complicated than just not giving a shit about your friends’ time. I mean, does the friend in other ways give the impression she doesn’t care?

I would also do the texting last minute to say I was late. Yes I ‘knew’ earlier. But I was always in denial and thought I would drag things back by being extra quick. And I just had lots of shame about being late. Because actually I did care about my friends and their time. This is one of the things I have had to be honest with myself about and now I would always text earlier. But it took a while!

I absolutely think you should set your boundaries - it might help her too! But don’t think it is all about how much she cares about you either. There might be a lot going on!

yanbu. There's no excuse for constant lateness. A one off is obviously fine but this is just her being a bad and inconsiderate friend.

So I text her back to say that it was a bit unfair on DD to wait that long and that she doesn't want to play until her daughter gets there and said let's postpone.. Took DD for a Mcdonalds breakfast as a treat instead. Feel disappointed for her as she was a so looking forward to it, but as you say there's being late and there's taking the p... Said friend has replied apologising and said we're welcome to come over instead 🙄

I would just let her know it isn’t good enough. If you stop playing ball she’ll either turn up on time or you know the friendship isn’t worth it.

Has your friend explained why she was going to be so late?

I think lesson learned, I definitely won't be telling DD about plans to meet her friend in future. Her little sad face is so heartbreaking to see :(

@Drivingmisspotty - how come you didn't get stressed out about being late for meet-ups with friends? Were they not as important as job interviews and plane flights?

I hate lateness!

It’s them telling you their time is more important than yours.

I’d have a nice time at the park and then head home.

I wouldn’t make arrangements again, I had a friend like that who was always late, notice the had a friend.

@Elsa888

"I'd just go home and wouldn't respond to her. That is beyond rude. Encourage your dd to make friends with others whose parents are more respectful of your time."

^^ this is excellent advice.

This.

I wouldn't bother with her again.
Too rude.

I’m not trying to make excuses but it’s more complicated than just not giving a shit about your friends’ time. I mean, does the friend in other ways give the impression she doesn’t care?

It is pretty much an excuse though. So you get stressed and have sleepless nights? that sucks. So don't make arrangements to meet friends then? Tell them you can't do that and let them decide if they value your friendship enough to always put your bad timekeeping before the things they want to do.

OP sounds like you did the right thing. However, I am very blunt so i would also say to friend that in future you aren't going to commit to meeting her and she will always be your Plan B (as in: we want to go to the park we'll be there at x time and probably leave at y time. If you're there at any point we'll be happy to see you - so she's not the main focus of your trip)

I agree with all responses so far.

90 mins is taking the p. She should have just cancelled IN ADVANCE to save the embarrassment (most people would be embarrassed to be this late unless there are other acceptable and unavoidable reasons that arose that morning, e.g. cancelled trains, traffic incidents, accidents/sickness). Sounds like she’s got ADHD, etc as she wasn’t able to compute that she should have messaged you way before 09:30. Although, 09:30 is way too early for a park play date, esp. if you know this person struggles to get out the door on time.

My primary school bestie is like this. I had enough several years ago as she started standing me up after we had made plans to meet up with our children. She stood me up twice. I had the good sense to check-in with her before leaving home the last time. I rang her to confirm 2hrs before meeting and her phone was off. I left at least two voicemails. She finally contacted me via text a whole two weeks later!
We didn’t fall out and are still linked via FB but we haven’t met up since and our friendship is sadly non-existent. Mutual friends and some of her family members that I have bumped into over the years have given me her phone number and tried to encourage me to call her, but I’m done, busy and life is too short.
She loses phones and phone numbers like it’s going out of fashion. She struggled
to be on time for everything since our late teens and it got increasingly worse after she had each child. She also tried to attend college courses and hold down jobs but ended up dropping out/leaving shortly after. She also experienced childhood trauma that had not been addressed. I miss her but it was too much.

Try to help her by addressing her extreme tardiness if you are close and don’t want to lose your friendship, but there are likely to be underlining issues that she will need additional support with from others (NHS, therapy, etc).

There's not having your shit together and being 10/15 minutes late, and there's being hours late. That's a whole different ballgame.

said we're welcome to come over instead

That’s taking the piss even more.

No, 2 hours is ridiculous. We have a friend like this. She is always late and has missed the start of films, parts of meals and left people waiting around for hours. Now, if she is more than 15 minutes late we just start our day. Or if it just one of us we leave. She knows this and is trying to be on time. It's such a waste of other people's time and there really isn't an excuse to be that late every single time!