Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
GiantWingedWaspMoth · 11/07/2021 08:29

@supersonicginandtonic

You are being unfair, calling it a mall. It's a shopping centre.
Maybe it was The Mall Luton.

Do you think people are unfair when they go to see a movie instead of a film? Actually, never mind. I get the feeling you probably do.

SemperIdem · 11/07/2021 08:34

You didn’t text them to ask how long they would be or say you were going to go home in 2 hours? Really?

It’s not 1991 I find that utterly bizarre

vegas888 · 11/07/2021 08:35

Why did you wait in the car park, I’m sure there’s plenty of coffee shops where you could of sat outside for a while.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 11/07/2021 08:35

Also, guessing you are American with that phrasing, it's shopping centre. You live in Britain, learn our terminology

I hope you take your own advice wherever you are in a non English speaking country.

Doublestar · 11/07/2021 08:37

I think you are right with regard to what "take your time" means OP - it was very rude of them to then take 2 hours.

However they were probably pissed off bc they had planned a day of shopping at the mall and then you called an end to it after 15 mins because you hadn't thought it through.

I can understand your anxiety around your newborn - I went to our local mall on a busy-ish wed the other week with my 2 dd's and I felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait to get out of there - and none of us are even vulnerable.

Covid has messed with peoples mental health big time.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 11/07/2021 08:38

Also, guessing you are American with that phrasing, it's shopping centre. You live in Britain, learn our terminology.

ODFOD

vegas888 · 11/07/2021 08:38

take your time" doesn't mean "take 2 hours" in any circumstances. It means - take 10-20 even 30 minutes (stretch)).

I disagree, if you’re shopping in a mall like Westfield it can take 10 minutes or more just to walk from one side to the other and then to the car park.

Newmumatlast · 11/07/2021 08:41

I have said yabu based on your OP

  1. You said "the plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places" - however you don't seem to have put a time limit on a little bit. To be honest, for me 2 hours isn't long in a mall as I would think nothing of spending a full day in one shopping. Others may be different but thats why not discussing what is meant by words is important.
  1. I have absolutely no idea why you thought it was sensible to take a newborn with a lung condition anywhere during covid where it would be extremely busy. Common sense would tell you it would be on a Saturday. Personally I wouldve stayed home or had husband stay home and only one of us gone or planned something else for the day and mall another day when it was quieter or one of us could stay home with our baby.
  1. You told them "don’t worry about us take your time". If you didn't mean it you shouldn't have said it. Yes they perhaps shouldve realised that 2 hours was a long time with a newborn but A. It was in the context of you having decided to come, in full knowledge of what it would be like (common sense) then changing your mind after only 15min. You should have not gone in the first place and I could understand if in that context they were reluctant to only spend an hour there. B. They may have lost track of time or been in queues. That is so easy to do when it is so busy. C. You didn't call them or have one of you go find them which would be reasonable if desperate to leave. D. You set no boundary for them as to what taking their time meant. As I have said, 2 hours in the context of visiting a mall which would often take a while is not that long so they may not have realised it was too much for you. E. I think its odd you expected they could be as little as 10min. What could possibly be done in 10 more minutes bearing in mind they would also have to get to the car in that time?
  1. They may well have been mad at you. Given how you describe bursting at them, unless you are very good at hiding it, that would likely have been obvious to them when they returned so they may well have been set to apologise and then not because of how they were received. I can also understand why they would at least be frustrated with you for having made the decision it was safe to take your child in full knowledge of the situation (common sense - its a mall on a Saturday) then changing your mind so quickly once they've got there.
  1. Even if they were unreasonable making you wait so wrong - and yes it would frustrate me with a newborn waiting in a carpark 2 hours - your reaction was extreme. You describe how it drove you "insane" and you "bursted at them". Frankly that is ridiculous and not a mature way to deal with the situation. If someone did that to me even if I were in the wrong I wouldn't engage. It would not even allow them to properly explain what the issue was for me to consider and maybe agree and apologise, as they'd have already come at me with aggression.
  1. You have an amazing lack of self awareness when you say "For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after". I cannot believe you are unable to see that if someone goes insane at you in the way you describe, you might not want to be around them. You say they planned to go early to a dinner you were invited to? I personally would've gone to dinner without you after being spoken to so disrespectfully. If I could, I would have left actually and ended my trip or sought accommodation elsewhere.
  1. You have answered your query with your comment "They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”". This is your problem. You said take your time. They took 2 hours.
burnoutbabe · 11/07/2021 08:43

@pallisers

"take your time" doesn't mean "take 2 hours" in any circumstances. It means - take 10-20 even 30 minutes (stretch)).

OP you should have just left and texted "sorry had to go" I think this excursion was doomed from the start as you and your friends are in radically different places.

Yes I'd agree with that. Enough time to not rush what you are doing but finish up. And enough time for the people in the car to drink a coffee to pass time without waiting too long.
CrouchEndTiger12 · 11/07/2021 08:43

After about half an hour I would have asked dh to take me home and text them to say let us know when you need collecting.

Honestly what can you do in a shopping centre in 10 to 30 mins? If you know what you want buy it and leave then you're fine.

Also it's pretty boring to see the same generic shops they exist wherever they live anyway grouped together in a centre.

Of all the things there are to do in London

Nicolastuffedone · 11/07/2021 08:44

I wouldn’t have have taken a newborn with medical issues to a shopping mall on a Saturday in London. That’s on you. You told them to ‘take your time’ well, they did exactly that, they took two hours, that’s not all day. You speak of ‘respect’ a lot…then you have to respect that they chose to enjoy their time shopping…because, y’know, you told them to tease their time! YABU.

LIZS · 11/07/2021 08:44

Did it really take both of you to take the baby out? Why wait in carpark rather than go for a walk or head home? Not sure what your guests did wrong as you gave the impression you would wait.

Pottedpalm · 11/07/2021 08:44

Crazy idea from start to finish.

Nicolastuffedone · 11/07/2021 08:45

*take not tease!! FGS! Give us an edit button!!!!

TeachesOfPeaches · 11/07/2021 08:46

Did you go to Westfields or Brent Cross? Both are hell on earth on a Saturday and always have been

Onlinedilema · 11/07/2021 08:48

I agree with everything Newmumatlast has said.

Newmumatlast · 11/07/2021 08:48

Also though my post may well come across as harsh, I will say that the comments criticising your use of language are really very ignorant. Please don't take them to heart. People speak differently. I understood your post. It doesn't take much for people to open their minds to other ways of speaking rather than demand everyone speaks like them.

SnoopyLights · 11/07/2021 08:49

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

I don't understand why you would leave three people in the Mall to continue shopping, but tell one person not to stay too long and tell the other two people to take their time.

And which one did you explode at? You said your friend in the title but it's three relatives in your posts. Was it SIL, because she's the one you gave different instructions to?

I don't think it's respectful to say "take your time" to two out of the three people you are with and then get upset with them for doing just that. They probably didn't get to go to all the shops they wanted to or stop for a coffee or food or anything as they browsed, and then came back to an argument in the car park, which will be the reason why they then didn't want to do the other things you had planned.

It's more respectful to say what you mean or ask for what you need than it is to say something you don't mean and expect them to be mind readers about it.

RadandMad · 11/07/2021 08:50

I don't think you were unreasonable. I think they were selfish, inconsiderate arseholes. shrugs

QuillBill · 11/07/2021 08:50

20 minutes would have been no time at all in a busy shopping centre in London on a Saturday. You really set up a situation where there could not have been a good outcome. You expected them to guess you didn't mean 'take your time' at all.

You are the parents of the newborn and it's up to you to make the decisions for your child's best interests. They are likely to assume that you have that covered.

Why did you choose to wait in a carpark rather than say and actual park?

AbsolutelySure · 11/07/2021 08:59

Two hours isn't long and it's subjective anyway, two hours with a baby might seem like forever, two hours without one could fly by. You have a right to be a bit pissed off but tbf this situation was of your making

Leftphalange · 11/07/2021 09:01

So many other options - don't understand why you didn't go home and either you or your husband went back to collect them later so they could continue as planned, or go for a coffee, or go for a walk. They have planned a day out and that doesn't end because one person says so. While I sympathise with your situation, the day out doesn't revolve around you all and a bit of communication to allow you to leave and be safe, and them to continue their plans, would have taken 2 mins and avoided all of this.

I personally wouldn't have kept you waiting 2 hours, however I would have said wasn't happy with you telling me not to be long and I would get a taxi back or something instead.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/07/2021 09:03

I think you both should have used your words to communicate and planned it properly.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 11/07/2021 09:04

I'm presuming from the slightly odd phraseology that you're not English, OP? Although I think it was frankly stupid for you to go to this mall with your newborn at all, OP, I don't think you're completely in the wrong. I wouldn't have shopped for another two hours had I been them. 'Take your time' doesn't really mean two hours, despite the protestations of some people on here. That said - you should've just pushed off home, or gone somewhere for lunch, after an hour. And told them so. If you're a mum, you're old enough to make these sort of decisions.

Youdiditanyway · 11/07/2021 09:05

This is all quite ridiculous. Your newborn is medically vulnerable so you took them to a busy shopping centre? It was always bound to be busy at the weekend, not sure what else you expected. I’m also not sure why you sat for 2 hours in the car waiting, I’d probably have waited 30 mins then sent them a text asking how much longer they’d be. If they were going to be ages, I’d just have called it a day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread