XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

@MzHz

If she finishes school in June, why on earth would you expect payment until a term that literally is irrelevant?

I don’t understand your logic at all

I left school the day I’d done my last exam, the day after my 16th birthday

If he’s ordered to pay until the end of secondary education, he has done.

It’s not a case of him cheating you, his obligation has come to an end.

So your parents kicked you out as soon your school term ended once you turned sixteen. And never paid a penny towards your maintenance thereafter.

You were living on your own and taking complete financial responsibility for yourself we’re you?

As your parents no longer had any legal obligation to. And rightly refused to. 🙄

Some university courses have a set number of study hours and students are not allowed to work over a certain amount of hours as the course is so intense and requires a lot of time.

And currently because of covid and lockdowns jobs are summer jobs are scarce where I am.

I’m thankful I’m able to take care of my DC. But it does not excuse ex’s complete abdication of parental responsibility towards DD.

It’s not a race to the bottom, just because someone’s parents never paid a penny towards them once they left school doesn’t mean that’s a good or acceptable way to behave.

People who think they should only support their DC till age whatever are utterly shit parents.

This may come back to bite him though, DC are aware of who supports them, not just financially but all ways. My DS not only received no help from his DF at Uni but now he is getting married, I have paid the half with my DS fiances family for the wedding, he has paid nothing and wont be invited ( there is a bit more to it than just the finances, there is a restraining order out on him from our DD and as she is bridesmaid he cant go). But when my DS told his DF that I was paying, he said "oh, of course she is"....no offer to contribute, just annoyed that I had helped. In context since we split up, he is wealthy, owns a large mortgage free property with his GF and has retired as no need to earn. I on the other hand, have just enough to pay my bills and live in a modest masionette, the money I have given for the wedding, is part of my inheritance from my parents and I will do the same for all of my DC as I know how tight there DF is with money!

I'm baffled by comments on here saying he doesnt have to pay cos she's at that age. The dd is looking for jobs and has no luck but the OP isn't flush, the dd is his so whatever the legal agreement, they need help with money and the dickhead shouldn't have to be asked. It's his child ffs.

I’m assuming the OP is providing somewhere for the DD to live at the moment and hasn’t kicked her out on the street, which is effectively what her dad has done.

She’s left school and he’s no longer responsible. She’ll have to either get a job or claim benefits.

[quote AbsolutelySure]@Doghead I've not asked him for more money for when she's at uni living daily life, I've asked him if he'd like to help financially to get her set up at uni, buying things like kitchen stuff etc. It's his choice not to help, I'm just disappointed in his decision. [/quote]
Tbf, my lad never asked for, nor expected, that either. Neither did my step kids. Stop mollycoddling her, and punishing him.

He sounds quite uninterested in his DD. That's so sad. I can relate because my Dad was never very interested in me. I don't admit it in real life but even as a middle aged woman this still hurts.

I can understand why he would possibly stop paying support to you in the same way he has been doing, since she's finished school (although if he is very wealthy this seems mean and petty), but I can't understand why he thinks he suddenly can stop having anything to do with her from a financial point of view. From your updates it sounds as if he's always seen her as a financial burden that you ought to have been shouldering as the mother, and is now glad to have washed his hands of you both.

Hot tip!

Co-parenting includes planning for your kids future, rather than waiting for it to happen.

Don't get me wrong. For every parent that won't contribute, there's also a parent that didn't think to bank some of the CB/CM for post school (I know it's not always simple tho).

Then there's kids or there that just take responsibility for themselves, their choices and their ambitions and go down the loan route.

Again. Talk about this shit well before the event and set everyone's expectations right, rather than nuke relationships because the parents weren't grown up enough to co-parent.

What an arse. My brother pays half to his dd what he'd paid her mum now she's at uni.
She also works part time and he's put money aside all her life for uni so that's paid for too, she won't have any debt. He isn't a particularly high earner either.

Hot tip @BasicDad.

Read the room. 90% of the problem is feckless men who were never grown up enough to co-parent a sperm, let alone a child.

@Lindaloo08

I'm baffled by comments on here saying he doesnt have to pay cos she's at that age. The dd is looking for jobs and has no luck but the OP isn't flush, the dd is his so whatever the legal agreement, they need help with money and the dickhead shouldn't have to be asked. It's his child ffs.

Yes all thé ‘I worked throughout uni, moved out and took 100% financial responsibility for myself since age 18’ posters out in full force. I also worked hard… it wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t wish it on my children. They have their entire lives to be adults. And a degree + job hunts (if done properly) take up a TON of time

@BasicDad

Hot tip!

Co-parenting includes planning for your kids future, rather than waiting for it to happen.

Don't get me wrong. For every parent that won't contribute, there's also a parent that didn't think to bank some of the CB/CM for post school (I know it's not always simple tho).

Then there's kids or there that just take responsibility for themselves, their choices and their ambitions and go down the loan route.

Again. Talk about this shit well before the event and set everyone's expectations right, rather than nuke relationships because the parents weren't grown up enough to co-parent.

omg is that a thing in the UK? The CMS order includes an amount that should be banked for the post school child? That is amazing. I wish the US had that.

Thanks for pointing that out BasicDad. I think a lot of parents negotiated financial arrangement will be very interested in knowing that you can include a provision for money to be handed from one parent to the other so the first parent (the "real" parent maybe otherwise why?) banks it for the future college student and doesn't spend it frivolously on things like food or school shoes or whatever.

Ffs @BasicDad children at uni need supporting even if all that means is providing a bedroom in a parent's home during holidays such as this holiday. If this wanker isn't prepared to either provide that or enable the RP with the means to provide it then he -and he alone - needs to sit his daughter down and tell her that she'll have to fuck off her education plans because now she's out of school she's on her own, so it's job or dole and a bedsit.

@SusannahSophia so reading the room includes turning a blind eye to the sweeping generalisation?

Anecdotal, but my own experience is that many parents, men and women, fail spectacularly at the basics.

Just out of interest, how much of the 15% net income that an RP gets should they put aside towards the cost of uni? Given that fees alone are nine grand?

Talk about this shit well before the event and set everyone's expectations right, rather than nuke relationships because the parents weren't grown up enough to co-parent.

Hot tip! Never grow up as a father and without saying so in advance just withdraw all support financially as soon as the courts say you can - but ignore the fact that this is effectively kicking them out onto the streets…
…oh no sorry I forgot the mother is just supposed to take up your slack or even to have asked you nicely years ago…

@BasicDad about 90% of resident parents are female - sweeping generalisation you say?

www.gov.uk/government/statistics/separated-families-population-statistics-april-2014-to-march-2018/estimates-of-the-separated-family-population-statistics-april-2014-to-march-2018#main-stories

For me, I like the OPs DD, just loved my Dad whatever and minimised the fact that he paid me very little maintenance whilst I was at Uni. They’d separated but due to his high wage I wasn’t give maintenance and there were no loans ‘back in the day’.

I worked my arse off all during University and lived in total hellish places. I don’t know how I got my degree. I was surrounded by well to do Londoners whose parents not only gave them the maintenance but bought them cars. They all went home every holiday too.

It took me until my 40s to start to think, Christ why did my father withhold his money from me? I never asked for a penny. I smiled and enjoyed my sporadic time with him, supported his new family and new wife with good grace. I was the only one from my family to go to University and it was a real effort.

I shouldn’t have had to scrape and struggle all that time. I narrowly got a first. I probably would have done if I hadn’t had to work all hours.

I now see that this attitude towards me, of being ‘blind’ to my situation, of never giving me anything beyond what he ‘had to’ (and even then, being miserly) - was part of a pattern where he never really fathered me, and my feeling of being supported only ever came from my mother. Thank god for her. I now have very little to do with my Dad, who is quite offended and bitter that his doting daughter isn’t propping him up anymore.

Talk about this shit well before the event and set everyone's expectations right, rather than nuke relationships because the parents weren't grown up enough to co-parent.

The daughter is now an adult, so he can sit her down himself and tell her to her face how he intends to proceed.

She for her part can decide whether to ever talk to him again, invite him to her wedding, send photos of his grandchildren, visit him in old age in his care home.

I am sure he will understand, whatever decision she makes. No hard feelings, etc.

[quote AbsolutelySure]@Macncheeseballs I work full time but was made redundant earlier this year and had to take a pay cut so whilst I'm not skint, it'll make things quite tight until she's settled. He earns x4 more than I do with no financial responsibilities. [/quote]
You sound so reasonable. I don’t get men like this. My ex is the same and it is just mean.

Hold up executioners.

First. I am the resident parent, and putting a few quid away for DC future. Hands up, in a position to do so.

Sscond. I've discussed this with DC mum about those plans so she knows there's some support for uni and future stuff. We're both on the same page.

Third. If our situations or arrangements were to change, then I'd expect to have a grown up decision about how to meet the same plans. And if it wasn't possible, then DC would need to support themselves, which is entirely doable.

You can't just turn up on a door step because you think they can afford it, RP or not.

When you say "support themselves" what do you mean exactly? You are the resident parent. Would you kick your university student kid out of your home? Or would you be providing (as in, providing a place to stay during holidays) and the non resident one not? Because that's not a child "supporting themselves". That's an RP supporting and a non RP not supporting.

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Your daughter could make an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act

We were told that this was possible under the Children Act, as undergraduates. (The lecturer clearly had professional experience of parents such as this! Her tone in advising students of this aspect of the Act was... tart. And not towards the students.)