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Original poster

XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

332 replies

AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 18:50

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

OP posts:
Classica · 10/07/2021 22:32

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to.

If they were my 18 year old child, most definitely.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2021 22:33

his obligation has come to an end.

I'd argue that parents have a life long obligation to their children. The child still needs things. It was one of the joys of my father's life to shove a tenner in my hand the first day of university and tell me to buy my new flatmates a round.

If he lives long enough I'm fairly sure he'll do the same to DD.

I can't imagine seeing my role ending abruptly at 18. Such a weird thing. Regardless I've raised a child who is responsible is great with money.

Getawaywithit · 10/07/2021 22:33

Of he’s paid everything he’s supposed to pay by court order, you @AbsolutelySure knew when this was going to end and would have made provision accordingly

ODFOD. His child still requires support till she leaves home. Why is it her mother’s responsibility alone?

You’re wrong about this, he’s done nothing wrong

No love, you’re wrong. The CMS will be happy to oblige him to pay to the end of August. If I were you, OP I would,phone them in the morning.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 10/07/2021 22:34

What a loser. I left school at 16 and went to work. My mum was taking most of my wages from me in rent and my dad was paying maintenance until I was 18. When he found out she was taking my wages he put the maintenance directly into my account. When I went to uni he paid me an allowance every month. Not much but enough to help. Your ex should do better. Good luck Smile

Getawaywithit · 10/07/2021 22:35

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to

Absolutely. Because I’m not a wanker.

If the OP said she could no longer afford to keep her, I bet you would have plenty to say about that.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 22:36

@Macncheeseballs

That is a bit mean, but do you need the money
His daughter needs the money.

And she has two parents

CheesyMother · 10/07/2021 22:39

Some men are just tight shits. My FIL did pay maintenance for my DH to my MIL the entire time he was at uni as the court order they had said he had to pay maintenance whilst my DH was in full time education (my MIL just passed it all straight on to DH to help with costs, despite the fact that DH lived with her in the holidays).

However, FIL refused to pay for (younger) BILs time at uni, on the basis that he was having a gap year and so no longer in full time education. Even though the uni place was confirmed before the gap year and was taken up for the full degree. My BIL is now
NC with FIL (for lots of reasons, but that whole attitude certainly didn’t help!).

pallisers · 10/07/2021 22:42

I'm sorry OP - he is a shit dad (and that his legal "obligation" has ended doesn't change that - who even thinks like that about their children?)

I've seen it loads of times - my friend just got a notice from her ex that he no longer wants to pay for his younger son who is in community college. His older son hasn't had a relationship with his father since the divorce and now the tenuous relationship with his younger son is likely to end as the son blames himself for taking a semester off (and working) during remote learning. He was always a stupid man though.

My favourite was a friend of mine whose husband left her, paid no maintenance, made no effort with their 2 absolutely fabulous children (each was in class with one of mine), and made my friend pay have the legal expenses to have him removed from responsibility for paying their university fees (she did too - her attitude was anything to get rid of him). Both kids were accepted to the same Ivy League school. She met a friend of his who told her that he was telling all his friends about his children in Yale and how proud he was - he hadn't paid a penny and he no longer had any communication with him. He was a complete shit. But he has no relationship with two lovely, funny, intelligent, successful young adults who adore their mother.

Coyoacan · 10/07/2021 22:47

In Mexico, the non-resident parent has to pay maintenance for their offspring until they finish their education or the young'un turns 25, whichever happens first.

thegreylady · 10/07/2021 22:47

My dc’s father died when they were 12 and 16. I remarried two years later. Their dad’s pension to me stopped (rightly) when I remarried but the pension for the dc continued as long as they were in full time education which included university. I don’t see why CM isn’t the same.

MzHz · 10/07/2021 23:00

Sentiment doesn’t overrule a financial arrangement

I dare say he can choose to support his dd if he wants to and on his terms, directly.

But if she’s not at school she can get a job. It’s what I had to do to cover my expenses when I left college and got a car.

Sure it would be generous for him to pay, but the school term dates are published by the council and that’s all he has to go on, if she’s finished school beforehand, then that is the end of the order

MzHz · 10/07/2021 23:01

@thegreylady

My dc’s father died when they were 12 and 16. I remarried two years later. Their dad’s pension to me stopped (rightly) when I remarried but the pension for the dc continued as long as they were in full time education which included university. I don’t see why CM isn’t the same.
In divorce it depends on what is agreed in the court order. Some have to pay until the end of tertiary education

Then masters and post grad stuff isn’t funded and all payments stop at completion of the tertiary

Valenciaoranges · 10/07/2021 23:03

When my daughter’s father used to be difficult with money, I created a spreadsheet with how much every little thing cost against any money coming in. I think it helped him see the money was very much needed. Now at Uni he gives her money every week.

Rebornagain · 10/07/2021 23:16

Maybe I'm missing something but when I went to uni I didn't get any financial help from parents. They helped me move etc but when your 18 you are an adult and isn't the whole point of going to Uni is to learn to live and move away from
Parents?

ijudgeyou · 10/07/2021 23:17

DH's dad did this. The relationship was very strained in general and it's only really in recent years we're able to spend the afternoon together a few times a year - the bill is always split to the nearest penny mind (despite his father earning well over 1 million per year). I'v actually had to spend years unpicking the damage done - in DH's case there were younger siblings from a second wife which I'm sure didn't help.
We're very close to my MIL and know we can rely on her. Be there for your daughter and you'll reap the rewards when she's older, her dad will likely miss out.

fourquenelles · 10/07/2021 23:30

Jeez I am 65 and my dad will still press £50 on me when I visit!

My late DH supported his sons financially through Uni even though "officially" he didn't have to after secondary education. In fact when he died he continued to support the youngest (through me) until he left Uni. That is because, despite his many faults, he was not a cunt.

MarchXX · 10/07/2021 23:42

[quote AbsolutelySure]@DingDongThongs yes she's applied for jobs but as she's leaving in two months she's been unsuccessful. She will apply for jobs when she gets to uni [/quote]
This was some years ago now (9) but my DD went to stay at her Uni accommodation early, before start of term, and went round restaurants in the city asking if they needed waitressing staff. She ended up doing six 'trials' and was offered work at all. She chose the one she liked best (gave her a share of afternoon's tips and lunch!) and spent her entire four years of uni there.

If your DD can get to her accommodation early she may be able to do the same. Businesses in university towns/cities are usually flexible to their uni students as regards hours/days worked. Best of luck Flowers.

Gensola · 10/07/2021 23:46

My DH pays his son directly, he’s currently on a gap year but he’s agreed to pay the same amount for three years of undergraduate study, £200 a month. My parents didn’t help me at all at uni, though my dad is well off, my mum couldn’t afford it and it was really hard. He’d give him more if he could.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 23:48

Flowers to you and DD.

My exH proposed to pro rate the final child support payment. He had divided the monthly payment by the number of days in the month and multiplied his answer by the date of our youngest DD's b-day. He was sure he only had to pay up to the exact date she turned 18.

I sent an email to the Guardian ad Litem representing DD (long, long story there) and on the appropriate date a cheque in the full amount arrived in my mailbox.

Your exH will reap what he sows.

.................
Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to
Is this a serious question?

Jenasaurus · 10/07/2021 23:50

My Ex did this with my DS, when he got into Uni, we were still all living in the same house awaiting the sale. His DF said, "dont expect any financial help from me" now because of the living arrangements my DS got bare minimum as they tool my EX High earnings into account, I ended up getting a loan to help my DS through uni. My DS then worked 2 jobs as well as doing his degree to pay me back (i didnt want him to,but he insisted, as a result he fell behind with his studies and dropped out!). He has now paid to do a degree via OU and got a first but his dads reluctance to contribute financally left us in a pickle and had a direct impact on his studying.

notacooldad · 11/07/2021 00:02

I don't really understand. Why do you think she'll need more money? My son got maximum student loan and never needed more money from anyone
Seriously? What a knobhead comment.
Even if she doesn't need the money it's the sentiment behind his words that stink.
She's 18 - she can get a summer job
Of course she possibly could. It's the attitude of the father that is , well unfatherly.

Bloodypunkrockers · 11/07/2021 00:04

@MzHz

If he’s paid everything he’s supposed to pay by court order, you *@AbsolutelySure* knew when this was going to end and would have made provision accordingly

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to.

No, you plan for this and make adjustments accordingly

It's his fucking daughter, not a bank loan
HomersMakeupGun · 11/07/2021 00:06

Flowers that’s rubbish for your DD OP.

My ‘dad’ paid fuck all to my mum for me, after leaving when I was two (they weren’t married). He asked my mum via his solicitor to sell the house we lived in (it was hers, in her name, bought by her) and give him a third of the money (nice try) and then fucked off. We managed but it was very hard - my mum did various part time and temp jobs and finally found a better job when I was about 15.

It all caught up with him when I was about 16 and tried to claim Education Maintenance Allowance as I entered 6th form. This seemed to trigger an investigation into his earnings and what he’d paid, and it came to light he’d never paid anything. He panicked. Arsehole.

faithfulbird20 · 11/07/2021 00:09

What a pig. Does she still talk to him?

I'd help her get a job....teach her how to manage her money...cook cheap etc...but mainly get a job...

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 11/07/2021 00:10

Your daughter could make an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act