I’ve just turned off the router and gone back to bed.

[Shuffleuplove]

3 tween boys, idle but cute. Single mum. Their attitude towards me is increasingly disrespectful and rude. I’m sick of constant bargaining and shouting from them, and my picking up after them. I normally am on the permissive end of authoritative but I’ve had enough of talking and reasoning.

Hand hold?

I'm just coming on to say I love your turns of phrase
'idle but cute'
'hairy food bins'
Brilliant!

Oow my 10 year old is becoming hairy food bin with volatile emotions to match. If you didn't have a dark sense of humour you'd have a breakdown

My 8 year old is still adorable and wants cuddles and gets excited about going to the park. It's not going to last long though, sigh

You’re doing really well 💐

Mine's about to go off

Dont say someones going to take them away ever-i remember this frm my father he used to pick up the phone and pretend he was phoning police etc to come and get me

@whynotwhatknot

Dont say someones going to take them away ever-i remember this frm my father he used to pick up the phone and pretend he was phoning police etc to come and get me

I agree. My mother used to do this when I was very small. She would either put her coat on and say she was leaving me or would tell me that I was going to be sent to a children's home. Then came the day when I was taken to hospital for an extended period, (in the days when parents were advised not to visit children in hospital). I was convinced that I had been sent there because I had been naughty. Guess who ended up a conflict avoiding people pleaser with a lifetime of anxiety and insecurity. It is emotional abuse and it damages.

Well done, OP, you're bossing it!

Can I point out signs of excellent teamwork, negotiation skills, and other excellent qualities being demonstrated?

You may wish to reward the ones who are attempting to wrangle their sibs into line, in some small way. Divide and conquer can be a useful tool at times!

I always kept the chargers. Always keep all the chargers. First rule of parenting.

@picklemewalnuts

Well done, OP, you're bossing it!

Can I point out signs of excellent teamwork, negotiation skills, and other excellent qualities being demonstrated?

You may wish to reward the ones who are attempting to wrangle their sibs into line, in some small way. Divide and conquer can be a useful tool at times!

I always kept the chargers. Always keep all the chargers. First rule of parenting.

Definitely - reward the tagliatelle-maker.

I have a 14 year old and it feels like they forget how to be kids when they have the computers and phones. They don't knock for anyone coming out any more and they always seem to want money every time they do go out.

@Shuffleuplove

Thankyou! I’m ground down with it. The middle one is particularly difficult.

Yes they’re up. Because it’s the weekend. In the week they’d sleep till noon if I let them.

Middle one just burst in to tell me “I’ll put my bike away but that’s bloody well it.” Little shite, he’s 11

I’ve told him it’s up to him how he behaves.

Lol at “bloody well it”. At least he’s well spoken

Boy mum here too. It's all about holding your nerve, don't give in (even when it's really really hard!)

Oh bless you @Shuffleuplove!!!

Regardless of how shit your life is. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this thread. You should feel so proud. Boys can be much harder work than girls and you’ve shown true strength

If it helps. Setting firm boundaries is really good for children. You think you’re being mean. But it teaches them about life. It teaches them exactly what they can and can’t do and creates a safe environment. Life is full of rules and regulations. From friendships. To family to work to play. Understanding rules from early on is actually a really good thing. Even though we want to back down. If you continue this as in. Remember that time I turned off the router. Then they’ll will understand how boundaries work.

To the OP whose father made her open and shut doors. Did you feel you knew exactly how far you could push it? You knew exactly where you stood with regards to your home life and parents?

Good for you OP. Tell them there will be no more bargaining. You're in charge. I was a single parent and used to tell mine they weren't living in a democracy, it was a dictatorship. Unpopular stance on Mumsnet but never mind.

With you all the way.

This is the equivalent of my mum putting a lock on the landline dial phone when I was a teen. Damn her!

@Penistoe

My virgin app lets me disconnect individual devices! It’s very useful and nobody else knows about it. Sorry darling now tv is not working let me see if I can fix it so you can watch MORE sport. Nope dunno what’s up?

Oh! Top tip! Thx.

I think this is a bit pointless. Turning off router, fine. But now you need to specifically address 1. Their attitude & the implications of speaking to you that way and 2. What you need them to do 3. Your plan for you all to do something nice together.

(I know you plan to give a list. But hiding away while they storm around doesn't seem a great idea & just winds them up. Their attitude is wrong & unacceptable and you need to start there.)

I have to say I agree with this - in my parents house this would have just led to everyone getting wound up and annoying each other, arguing amongst the siblings (especially if there was one of us being particularly stubborn) and without any actual instruction/clear route to the punishment ending we'd just push the boundaries even further because we had no reason not to.

You say that your children have ASD/ADHD and they need to feel in control of their environment because strict rules are worse ... but if you just without warning remove the router one Saturday with no specific action causing the removal and it has caused everyone to create an uproar, how is that any better?

My DD has a list of responsibilities that she has to get done in our house and there are basic expectations of appropriate behaviour (there would be no naked lying on the sofa, if you want to be naked go to your room, if you are in communal space then you need to be in some sort of clothing) with consequences if they aren't met. DD also knows that earning back a removed item/privilege will happen and I give clear instructions as to how that happens and time limits (eg if I turn off the router it will be for a specific reason that she has been warned about; X, Y and Z will have to be done before it is turned on; if it isn't done by the end of the day then she will lose her tablet the next day etc)

@Penistoe

My virgin app lets me disconnect individual devices! It’s very useful and nobody else knows about it. Sorry darling now tv is not working let me see if I can fix it so you can watch MORE sport. Nope dunno what’s up?

This is hilarious and I aspire to be this good at parenting

@melj1213 I agree. So, I’ve taken each one aside and quietly talked about ways in which they behave which I find disrespectful. Middle one has just agreed that his screaming and shouting is absolutely unacceptable and has said he will stop.
I have just allocated some jobs which have been done with some grumbling. But the screens/WiFi will not be returning any time soon.

And the dog has been walked another 2 times and is lying sparked out!

@PiccalilliChilli

This is the equivalent of my mum putting a lock on the landline dial phone when I was a teen. Damn her!

My mum did this.

We'd heard what we assumed was an urban myth that you could "tap out" the number on the connector thingies. Turns out you actually could!

Anyway. As you were.

Another mum here who turns the router off then hides it, it's amazing how much power my little router yields! It changes moody boys into nice, caring and considerate boys just like that lol!

[quote Shuffleuplove]@melj1213 I agree. So, I’ve taken each one aside and quietly talked about ways in which they behave which I find disrespectful. Middle one has just agreed that his screaming and shouting is absolutely unacceptable and has said he will stop.
I have just allocated some jobs which have been done with some grumbling. But the screens/WiFi will not be returning any time soon.

And the dog has been walked another 2 times and is lying sparked out![/quote]
That's a good start but you now also need to sit all of them down and discuss appropriate behaviour and expectations of all of them going forward so everyone knows the basic expectations of living and working together.

Additionally, even if the wifi/screens aren't going to be returned immediately, they need to be given clear instructions as to how they will earn them back in a proportionate time frame or else the sanction will become pointless as they have nothing to work towards if you haven't given them a concrete "target" to measure their progress against. My parents would say things like "You can have it back when you behave" but wouldn't define what that meant - what was "behaving"? How long for - an hour, a day, a week? What if we behaved, misbehaved and then behaved again? How could we demonstrate our good behaviour if we had no other instruction? Etc. "You can have it back tomorrow as long as you do X/Y/Z and I don't have to give you any more warnings today" worked far better

Well done Shuffle, sometimes a shock resets things. I had a humdinger with my boys when they were a bit older than yours after a particularly insensitive Mother’s Day. (Divorced mum of 3 boys too.) They all took on set jobs from that day forward which my middle DS with ASD is really good at religiously completing. He likes his routines. Not too much but tasks that help me out when it’s busy. Emptying the dishwasher, sorting their own socks and pants, getting drinks and laying the table etc. And putting their own sheets on the high beds.

Have a better day tomorrow.

We made our landline into a pay phone when our 5 were mid teens. We were so stupid… they managed to break into the coin box and circulate the same batch of 10p pieces over and over. We saw them putting money in every time. When they were rumbled we used a lock on the phone itself.
I think the highlight was finding an elderly Yorkshire pudding under a bed. It had been used as an ashtray! Smoking was not ‘allowed’ but we also had the incident of the coffee jar hookah and the very diluted whisky. Amazing they are all parents themselves and in respectable professions.