To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

[Rosebud1302]

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

I could have written your post, it's such a difficult decision. I now begin to think if I have another when dd starts school the age gap might be too big anyway. I have nieces with a 5 year gap and they fight all the time/ bigger one gets upset when smaller one takes her things etc. I know not all are like that but I think it's put me off a bit. On the other hand I'm getting married soon and can't imagine doing that without my sister there dress shopping and being my bridesmaid. Although I suppose there's no guarantee they would like each other.

Sorry I'm just rambling & not able to help really but just wanted to say you aren't alone in how you feel!

I understand why you want to, but it probably won't work out like you hope.

I have found that the bigger the age gap, the less they play together, like the same things etc - so it often ends up with one parent entertaining one child and the other the other. It's actually quite hard.

Have another child if you want, but not for this reason. Maybe focus on encouraging your DC to do lots of activities to make friends etc if you're just worried about friends/company etc

Four year age gap so DC1 went to school when DC2 was born. Even now they are older they like very different things and want to do different things because of the age gap but also because they are different people. So mostly they just bicker and ignore each other!

So have another baby if YOU want to because as you well know it’s a big choice to make. Your DS won’t know any different.

I didn't particularly want a second child but worried about my DD being alone.

So I got pregnant again. It was twins. They're both disabled. She doesn't play with them, never has.

Mine is a rare example but I do think people forget that not every pregnancy results in what you wish for.

Good luck.

I was adamant that I was one and done. My
dH wanted a second. I didn’t see the point… until my DC was about 2.5 and I noticed that she really enjoyed the company of other children. I thought about my own relationship with my sister - which is lovely and close and supportive - and that of my DH with his siblings - close to one, not so close but still happy and comfortable in each other’s company…. And I thought about all the fun I had growing up with a sibling and just thought, I have had my first DC for myself but any further big changes have to benefit them and I decided having another child was more of a benefit than a drawback in terms of the likelihood of enriching their childhood and providing them with a friend in adulthood. It wasn’t an easy decision though.

I can totally see where you are coming from. I felt a bit the same although many years ago now. I wondered about stopping at one.

But I have siblings and so does DH and it’s nice. I am v close to them and my nieces and nephews.
I did go on to have a DC2 and it’s all turned out very well.
They are 19 and 21 now and still enjoy each other’s company. They played together all the time as children (and had their fair share of fights).

I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant or the newborn bit either time if I’m honest.

My first and second hate each other and, now as adults, don’t speak.
With what you’ve written I wouldn’t have another.
I’m an only child and I’ve never felt lonely.

Ah OP, your future looks so bright. The thing with DC is, as they get older they get more and more interesting, more and more fun to spend time with. Your child won't always be interested in Peppa Pig. I think you will find he gets more and more companionship from you, and you enjoy him more and more as he gets older and you have more shared interests.

I never really contemplated having an only child, we always wanted 2, but we know several including family members and they seem to have such a lovely time with their parents. He will be absolutely fine - better than fine - as an only.

There is just under four years between my sister and Me. I'm youngest. And there was only a very small window where we actually played together at all. The rest of the time she was just annoyed by me as I cramped her style and I played mostly on my own. We're very close now but we weren't playmates at all as children.

5 years is a huge gap if what you want is them to play together.

What 7 year old is going to want to play with a 2 year old day in day out? What 10 year old is going to have a 5 year old brother or sister best buddy? What 15 year old isnt going to see a ten yr old as a pain in the arse and prefer to go out with his mates?

They might become closer as adults. Or they might not.
If this is your main reason for having a second child, I'd say probably best not.

The age gap would be too big for them to be playmates really. So if that's the only reason I wouldn't have another

Most children fight with siblings more often than play with them.
They are not guaranteed to get on, and your DS would likely benefit from the higher level of attention and financial freedom that being an only child would come with.
I often feel a bit sorry for young children who's lives suddenly have to revolve around the needs of a baby; fewer age appropriate activities, having to leave early if the younger child is tired or playing up.

Not to mention that with a 4 year age gap, they won't be on the same level for many, many years - potentially not until they're both adults.

There's a 4 year age gap between my brother and sister, and they hate each other. (I'm 12/16 years older) - I know many many many people who don't have a good relationship with their siblings.

You've described many reasons not to have a second (which should have began and stopped with the "I don't want one") and only one reason to have one, which is not a guarantee.

I wanted two primarily for a play mate- I think realistically that has to be under 5 year’s. I don’t want to be my child’s only source of company, dinner times at 5pm infront of CBeebies, arranging play dates to enable them to play with kids…my idea of hell

With that age gap they will have nothing in common play wise really as by the time a toddler can play at say age 2 your eldest will be six and well past the stage of CBeebies and toddler toys.
Many siblings simply also don’t get on with each other.
I wouldn’t have a child just for company, better to pick their friends for that.

I thought about waiting until DC1 was at school but worried that he would think he’d been packed off and replaced by the newborn baby.
In the end we had a gap of 2.5 years.

You’re already getting to the point where the age gap is a bit too big for them to play together, especially unsupervised… ever. And your eldest will not want to be seen with the uncool little sibling once they are 10/11!

Me and my sister are 18 months apart we’ve never really played together, even as tiny children we played and interacted with others in totally different ways, as we got older we enjoyed different activities, and now as adults well share the odd text m but we aren’t close.
Siblings are not guaranteed to get on and having them for the other one to have company is a bit daft.

I am so glad we stuck with one. We contemplated. But decided it the end that our little gang of 3 was perfect.

I have 4 siblings. There is roughly around 4 years between us all and we are all close nowadays, but I never played with any of them growing up. The age gap was too big.

I have a friend who's kids are have a couple of years between them. One is a boy and one is a girl and practically since the day the youngest one could speak, they have fought like cat and dog. It was actually stressful to go around to their house.

Ours is a lovely, peaceful, carefree household, where we can do all kinds of stuff that costs money, which maybe we couldn't do if we had 2 kids. Our main thing is that dd and I love to go the theatre, which costs an absolute fortune. Couldn't do it so regularly with 2 kids.

She has the best of the best and also all our love and attention. She is a well adjusted, kind, funny much loved by everyone, young lady and we're so glad we stuck with 1.

Really not a good idea.

My kids adore one another, do everything together and joke they will live together (at least I think they're joking.) They're very close.

However, even they notice that that is not always the case. My eldest is saddened by one kid in his class who refuses to anything to do with his sibling at all and speaks of her quite viciously, and by others who fight with, bully and ignore theirs. Their family dynamics seem totally messed up, to be honest, and the kids really do not get along.

You do not have an urge for this child, which is a big sign you shouldn't. You do have an urge to progress in your career.

A child should be much loved and wanted for their own sake, not as a playmate for another. Only children do simply fine.

If I was in your position, I absolutely wouldn’t be having another. There’s nothing wrong at all with being an only child - in fact, there are loads and loads of things that are great about it! And I agree with PPs that the age gap will be too big to actually be true playmates to each other - they may well adore each other, and your eldest could be a great help, but if it’s a playmate you’re looking for, better to help your son engage in lots of hobbies, playdates, family occasions etc etc. I had a second with a 3 year gap and I’d say they’re definitely close enough still to actually play with each other, but my career has been truly firebombed for various reasons and I’m looking at a long road back. If you don’t actually WANT a second, don’t have one!!

In all honesty I don't think you should have another for your ds. The main reason should be because you want another child. It won't necessarily work out that they will play with each other. I have two boys and the get on maybe 30% of the time and there is 3 years age gap.a lot of the time it's little bits of bickering. I've spoke and seen with other parents and I think it's totally the norm and some it's a lot worse. So I think I probably got it good. Now when they are older it may be a better thing perhaps. I asked my mum about myself and my sibling and she said much the same. It was good when we were older though and as adults I love having sibling to share my parents attention with but there are plenty of grown siblings who don't get on and never see each other.

4 years between my nephews. They are 10 and 6. Of course they fight like all siblings do but they have a great relationship. I think 4 years is a good age gap, i always though it would be too much a gap because there's only 2 years between me & dsis but there's 4 years between DH and SIL and they are v. close too.

4/5 years between each of my siblings and none of us played together as children. The age gap is too big.

Stick with one and ignore all the bs that a child will be lonely. If you let them play with friends, take them out to exciting places and play with them as much as you can it is fine. Nowadays people are shaving less kids due to the cost Andy put are getting to the point whereby they won’t relaly paly together that much. Of course all siblings interact but they won’t likely play with each other for hours as they will be at different stages. If that is the only reason for a second it’s not enough IMO.

Also women should be allowed to think of their career. Mumsnet loves to claim it is a very feminist site but it seems once you have kids a women should never think of a career again. Don’t allow small minded people come on to the thread and convince you you should prioritise having babies over your career.

Also PP also mentioned that second pregnancies and children may not be as easy as you expect if their is birth trauma, PND, additional needs etc. If you aren’t having a second child out of immense desire for one and just because you want a playmate you may end up regretting it.

"I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children."

You obviously don't want a second child for their own sake. If all you want is company for your DS, you can facilitate him spending time with friends and with cousins if he has any. Obviously that wasn't possible during Covid lockdowns but hopefully we won't get (m)any more of those! 🤞

YANBU not to want another child. You would be very unreasonable to have another just to "give" DS a sibling.

(I say this as a parent of two! But I always wanted two and partly so they would have each other but not just for that reason. It's hard work and would be much harder if I'd been unsure in the first place.)

It’s only on mn where siblings don’t get on…:my niece and nephew don’t have loads in common, v diff people but they can keep each other company at dinner, go round a holiday resort together….way easier for the parents