To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

[Rosebud1302]

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

It's about the kind of life and home life you want for them too. Home life is more peaceful with one DC for sure. But you put a lot of pressure on yourself to ferry them about to play dates and hobbies and activities and sometimes it's hard to get them home to a quiet house. I think it depends on the personality of your child in that case. If you have one who prefers the company of adults and will happily sit with you reading on the sofa all evening maybe being an only would really suit them. If you have a child who really enjoys being in a house full of children then they'll probably benefit from having a sibling.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba my TH had similar with his sister, and she has never meet our DS9. We visited her when she had DC, but she's just never expressed any interest in him.

My sister and I were at each other's throats throughout childhood, and reduced my mum to tears a few times. Then we started getting on great, and then she moved to Canada. Not sure my mum would agree it was worth it

Tiny age gap between sis and I. We played together lots. She was a bully and a nasty bitch even as a child.

Always telling me how rubbish I was, correcting the way I said words. Annoying me in the playground.

She isn't much better in adulthood. I can't stand her.

I had two close together (not my plan but surprise I was pregnant with a one year old).

The first year was ok...

The second abs third year they do nothing but bloody fight!!!

Now at 3 and 5 they share a bedroom and get on ok some of the time.

There is nothing wrong with having an only child op, please don't worry if that's what you want!

And don't ever feel guilty!

We wanted a sibling for my son in the hope of having a playmate. We also wanted a sibling for when they are older so that they would always have each other.

We are slightly older parents and worried about the impact of when we aren't around and if there is a burden related to us - they can share the load.

The planet is overpopulated and dying and overheating. You'll be doing your existing child a bigger favor to refrain.

20 months between my brother and me. He wasn't a playmate, he isn't my friend now. We have never got on and never will. It is worse to have a useless sibling at times of crisis than none.

I felt like this when DD was around 2. She was a hard to deal with baby, terrible sleeper and demanded constant attention so I didn’t want another DC for myself in case we had another one like her , but I wanted her to have a sibling for when she was an adult rather than as a playmate so she wasn’t alone in the world when DH and I croaked it.

I have lots of siblings but we were very disconnected and only had superficial relationships due to my narc mother triangulating us and making us compete for her attention and I wanted my DD to have the close sibling relationship I didn’t have I suppose.

Took me two years to conceive and that pregnancy (our only other DD) resulted in a stillbirth from a very rare abnormality. I then went on to have 3 boys (1 set of twins of which one is disabled and will never live independently) who I know DD loves when it comes down to it but she is not particularly close with them at the moment (teens/young adults/big age gap). I’m hoping they all become closer as they grow into adulthood and are there for each other. I try to do ‘bonding’ type stuff with them and try to involve them in each other’s lives. They are all very protective of each other which is a good sign!

I do think you should only have another child if YOU want one though, not for your DC. Life has a dirty trick of not turning out as you expect it to.

my brother is fifteen months older than me.
didn't get on as children, certainly didn't play together.
been no contact for 30+ years
don't do it.

I could literally have written your post a few years back! Honestly, pretty much word for word! My son is 7 now and we didn't have another child.

I have no regrets at all.

Like you,I couldn't have faced another until DS was in school. When we got to that stage, I remember us going on holiday in the summer and having such a lovely time. DS enjoyed going out and about with us, could have civilised meals out, spent time playing with us but also amusing himself. It suddenly hit me that our world would be turned upside down if we had another.
I also got a promotion at work which I wanted to get into.

So, we stuck at one and it's great. Our life is lovely, DS is very happy and has so much attention from us. He has plenty of friends at school and also goes to beavers which expands his social circle.

I truly cannot imagine 2 children now.

If you want another then go for it, but only if it's what you want. Not to give dc a sibling.

Yabu. It's too big a gap - elder will be at school all day so won't have as much time to form a bond with younger.

I've got just over 2 and a half years (two school years) between my two and I wouldnt want a gap bigger than 3 years if you expect children to really play together a lot.

Wow thank you so much for all of your responses! I have been out today hence the silence. I really appreciate you all commenting and I'm going to read them all now.

I have read all of your replies and want to thank you all so much for your thoughts. I think, deep down, I know the answer. I know I would be so happy with my gorgeous boy being an only. Ironically, I am an only. And did fine. So why do I question it with him? Social pressure I think plays a part of it - "when are you having another?" And certain family saying "oh but he will be lonely, and what about when you get older, he will care for you all alone" which make me worried about his future. But I know I shouldn't let that influence me. He does not have cousins and is unlikely to for a while, if ever. Which also worries me. But he is a child who particularly loves being around other kids, but I suppose he is still young. I know the right answer. So why is it still in my head so much?! Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences. It has really helped x

Sorry - he ISNT a child who particularly loves being around other kids.

He won't be a playmate, the 4+ years gap will see to that. At best, they will grow closer as adults when that age gap becomes inconsequential.

Five years age gap is too big for a natural playmate. Seven year old are doing intricate lego whilst two year old can't be in the same room in case they eat it.

Which is completely fine if you really really want another child.

But if you don't, don't bother.

Very soon in the next few years weekends will be filled with activities.

Focus on having children round to play once he starts school

Social pressure and familial norms. Versus what you want.

Knowing what we actually want as individuals, as opposed to what society expects us to want, is often the hardest thing

At that age gap yes yabu. Some people have said to me that they wanted to have more than one so that when they die the children would have each other. Lot of assuming they'd be close really.

Wrong, wrong reason. I had a second 5.5 years after my first. They have a wonderful relationship but it’s not guaranteed (they are both still young, 2.5 & 8.) But my eldest had a wonderful life as an only and he would have thrived without a sibling. I can’t afford the extra curricular activities I used to be able to, if that is a concern for you.

I know many, many siblings who do not get on, are not close and do not share as adults. More so than know of those with close relationships with their siblings by far.

Playmate seems too weak considering they might not even like each other as kids 🙈

I’d spend my energies helping the friendships they form blossom and encouraging new relationships.

We have a DS who is now 3. I hated the baby stage, had crippling PND and struggled every single day, not a natural and definitely couldn't be a SAHM but as DS got older our relationship and bond developed and he is without a doubt the best thing in my life, he's excellent company and I adore him. He managed perfectly well as an only and played independently very well.

The only reason I considered another was for him to have a sibling (rightly or wrongly). Lockdown really really intensified that too as DH and I wfh and he spent most of the day playing completely alone which broke my heart.

We now have DD age 5mths, early days but 100% the right decision. Totally a breeze compared to my first experience (less of a shock to the system). DS is obsessed with her, he completely adores her and is a different child. Watching their relationship develop has given me more joy than I ever imagined. The thought of them having each other on days out and holidays, building sandcastles together, is just lovely.

Of course there's the chance they won't get on, that's just life. But there's also the chance it will be wonderful.

As an only child, I would have hated a sibling and would have been an awful and cruel big sister and very resentful towards my parents attention being diverted from me (I'm a dream I know). If you don't want a second child Don't have one, your son will not be missing out, he'll have friends and cousins to play with. I'm also considering just sticking to my one dd but my partner wants a second so we'll see how we feel in a few years!

I've got a big age gap between my two children (4.5 years) and it really works well for my family but I'm under no illusions - they are at different stages and won't play together that much. However, I am confident they will have a nice sibling relationship throughout their lives and I love having them both. For career and mental wellbeing reasons, a smaller age gap was never a possibility.

There are so many variables. I agree that you should only have another child if you want one, not just as a playmate for your existing DC.

I disagree that a 4+ year age gap means that they won't play together and will have nothing in common. It will depend entirely on their personalities. While the nature of their relationship will be different and it's more likely to be a 'big sibling-little sibling' type of relationship than similar-aged playmates, that can be equally rewarding. Older children are more capable of getting excited about the prospect of a new baby and can be more involved in preparing for it's arrival. They have more going on in their lives independently of their parents (school, playdates etc.) so there is less likely to be rivalry and they may like to 'help' with caring for their younger sibling. A younger sibling may be more 'special' to an older child than to a 2 year old who sees them as a rival for their mummy and daddy's attention. Of course, none of that may be true and the older child may resent the younger one, but the point is that you cannot predict it!

The main driving factor behind me having a second baby is because I didn’t want our first baby to be an only child.

My husband was very resistant and it took about a year before he agreed to try for another.

I do have health problems that impacted
on my first pregnancy and birth, which I knew would also be the case in the second pregnancy but I still wanted another baby.

We have a 3.5 year age difference and they absolutely adore each other. They have such a special relationship and having a second was the best thing we ever did.

However, it really doesn’t sound like you particularly want another child and those feelings have to take priority over a hypothetical sibling relationship.

Remember this is an entire person you are bringing into existence. A person that has to live their entire lives, experiencing shit they go through because you decided to bring them into it. At the very minimum you'd hope your parents actually want you. If you don't, then please just don't do it.