To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

[Rosebud1302]

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

My sister and I never got on well. We having clashing personalities and she is selfish, manipulative, ungrateful and a liar.
Despite me & DH trying to help her so much she has done so many things over the years that I just can't forgive.
She had never met my youngest who is almost 7 because she simply didn't give a fuck to make a little effort.

I know I ought to have some loyalty or something towards her, but she only cares about herself and she did a deeply hurtful thing last year so I'm done with her.
I wish I had one of those sisters or brothers who are your best friend, someone who has your back instead of stabbing you in it, repeatedly.
It's so painful when I think about what could've been.

And I swear, I'd rather my parents had given me a dog instead of a sister. Dogs don't betray you.

Gosh no. Such a wrong reason to have a child. Invest instead in his friends and build him a strong support base through people he chooses to like.

Try for a baby because you want and are prepared for another child. Don't have a baby to create a sibling relationship.

Also, there are no guarantees. We started TTC #2 December 2019. At the time I had a just turned 3yo, thinking we'd time it to coincide with him starting school September 2020. 1 late baby loss plus 2 miscarriages later and we're no further on. Timing pregnancies does t always work. The age gap would now be a minimum of 5.5 years if we tried again, and I don't know if I've got it in me.

With that age gap they won't be playmates anyway, so don't have another child

I found when mine went to school that I didn’t actually want another baby because life got easier. I suddenly had some time to myself again and can’t imagine adding a baby into that. I don’t want to go back. We got a kitten instead. 😂

You don't honestly sound like you would want another child, for all the reasons you mention, and having struggled with the first with depression.

I think the age gap if you wait until he's in school would be too big so your son wouldn't have a playmate anyway.

I have a 6 year age gap between my eldest and youngest (both girls) and two boys in between. The girls weren't ever playmates until the youngest was at university so 18!

The best thing you can do is encourage friends from nursery or school and enrol at extra curricular activities so he has friends.

From everything in your OP it sounds like you don't really want another child and so you really shouldn't. It isnt fair on that child to have them purely as a play partner. If they don't then get on with your current child or fulfil that role, how would you feel? If they're a difficult baby or have additional needs? You can't just plan for the result you want with these things and might end up resenting them or regretting your choice when you have the increased financial burden and delay to career progression. Dont do it unless you and your husband actually want another child.

I sometimes feel pangs of guilt that DS doesn't have a sibling, maybe it's selfish but I really don't want another child, and feel like my feelings are important too (DH is on the same page luckily).

@TheGoogleMum

The age gap would be too big for them to be playmates really. So if that's the only reason I wouldn't have another

Agreed

I'm the younger sibling and I would be horrified if I thought my mum only had me as a playmate for my sister.

We did play well as small children but hated each other from the tween years onwards - and I mean really hated. We're in our 40s now and have only recently come to a sort of truce, but we don't have much to do with eachother.

I have one child and feel not an ounce of guilt. She has a lovely life and is very confident, sociable etc. The thought of having another baby to provide her with a playmate is as offensive as it is laughable.

I think it would be very difficult for you to go through the difficulties of having another baby unless you really, really wanted it

But just as a comment on a 5 year age gap this is what I have. And my 2 are best buddies and still play together all the time as they always have. They are 9 and 14 now and adore each other. They have their fair share of squabbles too of course!

Only have another baby if you really want it. Not for your son. For you. A baby is only small for a little while, it’s a child you’re getting not a baby. They are hard work, I have two under 3 and it’s tough, but it was right for me. Do what’s right for you, sorry if that’s not helpful!

Personally, I think the optimal age gap is 2-3 years. I really don't understand people who wait until their first child goes to school. As you're finding, that's when you get your independence back again. I couldn't stomach the baby stage again after that.

I also hate to break it to you, but often with wrap around care etc, childcare costs don't always reduce when the DC go to school.

For as many posts of only children doing just fine, there might be plenty feeling lonely so

i do understand your post and obviously a sibling is not just about having a playmate- your DS will grow up and get older too.

Do you think your thoughts would change with imagining him at different ages, and as an adult, with or without a sibling? What about when you get older, if he had to care for you in any way?

Do people have siblings that literally hate each other from 0-18?

Mine don’t hate each other but they are very different (and also a boy and a girl) and despite only a 2 year gap they rarely play together and never have. Fortunately where we live there are a lot of other kids to play with.

I guess the problem is there are no guarantees so if you’re only having another one so the first one has a playmate, it’s a risk. The older one might lose more than he/she gains.

My sister is 5 years younger than me (not an intensional gap) and we were not natural playmates because of the age gap. We got on but most often our interests were different. As we got older the age gap has closed but we both have our own sets of friends.
Both me and my sister have gone on to only have one DC, don’t have a child because you feel you should your DS will be fine being an only.

I’m one of four. Middle child. Rarely played with my siblings, vied for parental attention and barely speak as adults although no animosity just apathy.

Don’t have a child for the sake of your child I’d say.

Have many friends who wish they’d stuck at one.

@Santanomore

I agree that a smaller gap works better.

When DS1 was little a mum of 4 said to me "get pg before he sleeps
through the night or you'll never want another one"🤣
she was right

You would have 2 kids home for a bug chunk of the year no matter how big the gap - school hols.

My DS is an only and he is 10 now, I think he'd have liked having a sibling but we tried and it didn't happen easily, then my husband lost his job so we gave up and whilst I have some regrets, he's a very happy well rounded kid who plays well in his own and with otherS. I wasn't that maternal so it wasn't a big thing for me, I love my son and life is pretty easy with one tbh!

We have a 6 yr age gap , we wanted a second child , ours didn’t get on at all until the first one was about 18/19 , they are now both 20+ and muddle along ok . I doubt even if they had been 2/3 yrs apart they would have got on as children as they are so utterly different , literally the only things they have in common are their relations and the fact that they are both animal lovers .

I had a second as a playmate. It's fine. It doesn't mean you love them less. Couldn't love dd2 more.

It sounds like you struggled through your first DC’s baby years (it can be really hard, so no judgment there). Why not focus on being a happy mum to your DS instead of potentially making yourself an unhappy mum to two? If you help him make friends, go to play dates, hobbies etc he’ll find plenty of playmates

Might be lovely. Might not be.

I have 3 cousins. #1 and #2 were three years apart and got on brilliantly. Absolutely wonderful, sharing everything and looking out for each other.
Then #3 came along 18 months later and #2/#3 couldn't stand each other. We used to make sure that when they were little if we bought a present for one we bought identical for the other as it was the only way they wouldn't think the other one had done better out of it. They're adults now and get on fine, if you're interested. But primary years was difficult.

For my 3, typically 2 are getting on better at any one point. But it varies which 2. Doesn't necessarily mean the others don't get on, although sometimes it does, but there's always 2 that are better friends at that point.

I think it also depends what kind of child u have- mine cannot solo occupy herself, permanently wants to chat- it’s exhausting- I loathe a play date much of the time. Roll in dd 2- love her just as much at dd1, and they have each other!