To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

[Rosebud1302]

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

Sorry I should of said they don't get on maybe 30% of the time!

I had a 4 year age gap with my sister and we definitely weren't playmates. I help look after her and I taught her things but there wasn't really an age when we wanted to play the same things. I thought everything she liked was for babies. If you're lookingfor a playmate I don't think thats likely with an age gap of more than a few years.

I could have written this post - the job, tricky baby, no desire at all to have another, enjoy life with one. It feels like it would be easier to put lots of effort into arranging for DC to have access to socialising opportunities (clubs, friends over etc) than it would be to have a second child. Ultimately, I cannot bring myself to create life when I don't really want to, just so that DC has someone to play with (which wouldn't be a guaranteed outcome, and can be achieved with friends).

Don’t have a second child unless you and your DP really want it.

There is 4.5 years between my sister and me - we never really played together. We didn’t get on until I hit 18!

We have an almost 5 year gap
Ds2 born when ds1 started school
They adore each other but bicker all the time
Don’t play so much eldest wants to play more complex games and the little one can cope with for example
They’ve both found things on TV to watch together but in some way I find that keeps the eldest younger

Saying that there is a year between me and my brother and we don’t speak for months on end have absolutely no relationship and I completely different people. Plenty of people are “onlys”

If you are considering it do it for your whole family not just for the child
based on what you said though I wouldn’t

I wonder if the question should be about whether it’s nice to have a sibling as an adult. I have a 5 and 7 year gap between mine so was raised as an only. Didn’t bother me at all and I’m sure my parents weren’t expecting them to want to play with me. But as an adult I love having siblings. I’m very close to both and can’t imagine being an adult only child.

It’s hard as we have one daughter and I’m not convinced we’ll have another whereas my two nephews love one another’s company now. No guarantee they’ll get on later though.

You shouldn't have a child that you don't want.

What is your extended family situation like? Does DS have any cousins? You'd be better off putting effort into building a relationship with them if possible. Or otherwise when he's older helping to facilitate friendships as much as possible.

I have a 3 year old and always knew I never wanted more than 1. Now shes older and keeps asking for a sibling it has been making me re think but then when I point out to her that a sibling would be a baby and not a ready made 3 year old play mate she soon changes her mind! I couldn't go back to the baby stage again now we've got this far and shes almost 4. Especially as we have more money to do things with her.
We went to a theme park the other day and saw a few families with a 5 year age gap between children and noticed how they basically all had to split up over the day as the children were at different ages so wanted to go on different rides or just had ones whinging they wanted to go elsewhere and it just seemed an annoyance to me! Glad to stick at 1.

There will be a 4 year age gap between my children. I don't see it as much as will they play together but just having someone else there to share childhood with, and the challenges of school and adulthood when they come of course. DS loves being in company and gets very upset when he has to leave his cousins, it breaks my heart. Yes he has a special bond with me and his dad, and always will have but we will always be parents. We'll never be siblings, nor should we be. I don't really remember my sister and I playing together but she was always there even when we were fighting, and I liked it. Still do - we're the best of friends now.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s only on mn where siblings don’t get on…:my niece and nephew don’t have loads in common, v diff people but they can keep each other company at dinner, go round a holiday resort together….way easier for the parents

Maybe you just don't know any siblings that don't/ didn't get on. Shockingly your own personal experience isn't always the same as everyone else.

There's a 4.5 year gap between my two and whilst they get along well most of the time, they've never really played together. They have some shared interests but because of the age gap, they've never coincided.

Don't have a baby to do a job. Have a baby because you want another child. It's fine to stop at one and have a career.

I've got an only - it gets easier as they get older, as others have said. Once they start school they'll find playmates their own age. Mine is now grown up, with many friends and good social skills.

You pretty clearly don't really want another kid, and that's absolutely fine. There are definite upsides to having, and being, an only.

What you can do,of course, is to support your child to participate in activities with other kids, have schoolmates and local friends around for play dates etc.
You may spend more time chauffeuring or making cakes ... better than making a whole new demanding unpredictable human!

I wouldn’t do it unless you actually want a second child. We have a 4.5 year gap between ours and the driving force for me was that I really wanted a second. The other considerations, eg around siblings, were secondary.

With this age gap (DC2 was born when DC1 was in reception), it feels like a huge step back - you’re just at the point where life has got easier, you can leave the house without needing all of the stuff, etc, and then wham, you have a newborn again.

Also, the longer you leave it, the longer your child has to get used to being the only child. DC1 has really struggled with becoming a big brother and I think he would have anyway but I also think it would have been easier to introduce a sibling when he was younger.

Never have another child to give your child a sibling, that is too ridiculous for words. I've never heard such nonsense. Have a child because you want one.

Yes if you arent a natural mother, don't enjoy playing with your child, don't enjoy spending time with children, a companion for your lonely DS would be great.

I have a 4 year age gap. There were a few years where they played brilliantly together and were extremely close, but when the eldest hit the tween years it decreased and even more so during the teen years - so DH and I became the play mate again. I didn’t want two close in age so went into it knowing they they were likely to be playmates only for a few years, and it wasn’t my reasoning for having a second so all fine

I think you will find when they start school and make friends doing out of school activities that they can have lots of company without siblings.

It’s only on mn where siblings don’t get on…:my niece and nephew don’t have loads in common, v diff people but they can keep each other company at dinner, go round a holiday resort together….way easier for the parents

That's utter nonsense. I know plenty of siblings IRL who don't get along. I also know some who do get along but it's far from uncommon for siblings to dislike each other.

Personally I wouldn't have another as you don't particularly want another. This idea of having a sibling for a child, like they're some kind of toy, has always seemed odd to me. If you want another then fine, but if not I don't understand why you'd do it when there's no guarantee that they'll get along or have any interest in each other. Especially with a considerable age gap. They could be best friends, enemies if anything in between. So you could have all the stresses and strains of having a second child without having achieved your goal of providing a playmate for them.

It is perfectly possible to be a happy only child. I'm one. Personally I'd concentrate on providing opportunities for them to make and maintain friends.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s only on mn where siblings don’t get on…:my niece and nephew don’t have loads in common, v diff people but they can keep each other company at dinner, go round a holiday resort together….way easier for the parents

Possibly because you only know a relatively small number of people with more than one DC, and/or not all of them are going to say in public "God, my kids are making my life miserable."

There are a lot of people on MN, and people on an anonymous forum are more likely to be honest about the shitty aspects of parenting.

For me, I don't want another DC and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cope that well. So DS might gain a sibling, but he'd lose the (relatively) chilled out, loving, cheerful mum he's got now.

Not just a playmate, siblings are for life! You'll be giving him a support system pre-made. That said, do make sure you think through practicalities and if you don't want to, don't.

Only have another child if you want one, not for your DS. I wanted 2 DCs and have a DD and DS, there are 3.5 years between them. They have never really got on and never played together really. Even now as teenagers they just about tolerate each other. I’m sad they never played together really but I always wanted 2 DCs and I’m glad I have them but I think both would prefer it if they were an only child!

By far the easiest solution would be to host regular playdates.

We have a 4 yr age gap and only had the second to ensure DD wasn't alone on adulthood coping with me having dementia etc. Again we knew it wasn't guranteed, my own siblings are flakes but I felt consumed with sadness about her being alone.

What we didn't realise was how much they'd get on. She loves her brother so much and he idolises her. She's very tolerant and they play a lot together. It's been fabulous.

If you want another baby have one. Don’t have one to be a playmate for your 1st! They’re not going to be able to ‘play’ together for a long time and if then they may not get on.