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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

135 replies

Rosebud1302 · 10/07/2021 08:26

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 10/07/2021 09:17

No. Think how unfair it would be to your second child to not be wanted as anything other than an accessory to the first.

Your ds doesn't need a sibling. My dd is 16 now and has always loved being an only child. If she wants time with other kids, she has plenty of friends. And there is no guarantee that they would get on/ play together anyway, especially with a four year age gap.

There is a lot of social pressure to have a second because of all of the negative stereotypes about only children, but we haven't found any of those to be borne out in reality, either with our own dd or other only children we know.

Stick with one. You won't regret it.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/07/2021 09:18

if you want companionship for him then get a pet.

HoldingTheDoor · 10/07/2021 09:19

Not just a playmate, siblings are for life! You'll be giving him a support system pre-made.

That's far from a guarantee. A friend just lost one sibling and far from being supportive and helping to organise the other two are actively being awkward and demanding, constantly squabbling and just generally making funeral planning and everything harder. She's been left to shoulder the hard work.

Frazzled2207 · 10/07/2021 09:20

I think the age gap will be too great. Have lots of friends with kids with 4/5 year gap and they don’t really play although one advantage is when they are much older the older child can be relied on to babysit.

Ours are great playmates but they are only 21 months apart

ThursdayWeld · 10/07/2021 09:21

I would. It's lovely having a sibling as you get older.

(Yes yes, I know all siblings don't get on, but loads of them do!)

KingdomScrolls · 10/07/2021 09:21

I have two DNs they fight like cat and dog, the eldest was a much calmer happier child without a sibling, so I wouldn't do it just for that reason. DS is an only, we've made sure he has lots of interaction with other children, he's confident, sociable and fits none of the only child stereotype. Older DN asks to come to our house to stay without sibling and they play together brilliantly

Wrotten · 10/07/2021 09:23

I was in a similar situation. I have a son and he's asked for a sibling for a while.

I'd ruled it out as he was almost 5, and now I'm unexpectedly pregnant so here I am.

He's over the moon and I'm bloody terrified, wondering if I've made a big mistake!

I'll come back and let you know how it's going. 🤣

KingdomScrolls · 10/07/2021 09:24

I have a brother we get on ok, we don't have much in common and he takes no real responsibility for anything so there's no way he's a built in support system, when my parents have had medical issues and needed support it's been on me and they're not even over seventy yet.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2021 09:26

Mine was 4.5 when the twins were born and they get on great / fight over everything. I think they'll have a lovely bond. But I wanted a baby. DH wanted a baby. We didn't have one as something to give DS. In your shoes I wouldn't.

Daphnise · 10/07/2021 09:27

Not the right reason to give birth to a human being.

Rockbird · 10/07/2021 09:28

Mine are 4 years apart and don't get on. They have moments when they are together peacefully but at 13 and 9 now they barely tolerate each other.

Branleuse · 10/07/2021 09:30

If you wanted them to be proper playmates then i think youve already left the gap a bit big.
Only have one if you want one for its own sake

ThursdayWeld · 10/07/2021 09:30

@Daphnise

Not the right reason to give birth to a human being.
What is then? Surely most people have children "Because I want to?"
MrsSkylerWhite · 10/07/2021 09:31

As you say, you know the answer already.

Experiences obviously differ wildly but lots of only children are extremely happy and fulfilled. Likewise, some siblings can’t stand each other and resentment can last into adulthood.

Go with your gut and enjoy what you have now.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2021 09:32

What is then? Surely most people have children "Because I want to?"
But op doesn't really want to, she's feeling obliged to gift her child a sibling. Ensuring the hardest parts is easier when it's for a much wanted child than one you felt you should have

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/07/2021 09:32

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

if you want companionship for him then get a pet.
Very true. We got our ddog when DS was 6 and it's actually a very sibling-like relationship. And they adore each other.
georgarina · 10/07/2021 09:35

I was an only child until my teens and tbh it was lonely.

All my friend had siblings of a similar age and I would always feel sad leaving my friends' houses and coming home to my own empty house.

So from my perspective I would do it. Obviously there's no guarantee they'll be friends but all I can speak from is my own experience.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/07/2021 09:35

I desperately wanted another baby after dd was born and it didn't happen. She is 9 now and has a wonderful life - we always take one of her friends camping with us and and she is allowed friends over after school and at weekends but the best bit is, she is very self sufficient and likes her own company too. I don't feel overwhelmed by having to juggle my time and with the benefit of hindsight, having just one child really wasn't so bad after all!

sashh · 10/07/2021 09:35

Do you know any siblings who do get on? Who do play together?

Maybe twins do but not many other children do.

5 years is a tricky gap too

imaginethemdragons · 10/07/2021 09:40

Happy with one.
Then overwhelming need for another. As strong as my feelings about my first.

Strange because I never actually wanted kids at all up
Until my 30”s… anyway. It took 7 years of hell.

Now, they fight constant, I have to actively separate them all the time.

Pfffft.. company? Playmate? My arse! , it’s a bloody nightmare.

Sloth66 · 10/07/2021 09:43

No guarantees at all they will get on. I have a friend whose 2 have never got on, and they tolerate each other , nothing more.
I’d stick with 1

MadeOfStarStuff · 10/07/2021 09:46

Don’t have another child just to give DS a sibling. Only have one if you actually really want one.

They might hate each other! Plus, 4 years is quite a big gap so the time of them being playmates is quite limited as they’ll have different needs and different interests.

tinytoucan · 10/07/2021 09:46

If your only reason to have another is to give a playmate to your DS I would think more carefully. There is a 4 year gap between my two and DD (1) has just started to be interested in DS’s (5) toys and what he’s doing. He mostly finds it annoying and constantly moves his things away to where she can’t get them. It’s not like that all the time- he’s a fab big brother and they play chase games together and make each other laugh, but he did say to me yesterday “mummy it would be good not to have a baby because they cry all the time”- she really doesn’t cry all the time!! It works for us because we wanted a 2nd, but if we were just doing it for DS I’m not sure how I’d feel about it now.

There was an 18 month gap between my brother and I, and we did play together as kids, but we’re not particularly close now. We get on, but have very little in common so only really see each other when the whole family get together (so I haven’t seen much of him in the last year and a half). It’s fine, but there are definitely no guarantees in terms of what the relationship will be like, either as kids or adults!

PandasCatsWolves · 10/07/2021 09:48

You know the answer to this already.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/07/2021 09:51

My cousins aren’t speaking to one another so yes I guess not all siblings get on but they spoke to each other for the first 46years of their life. Do people have siblings that literally hate each other from 0-18?