To mainly consider having a second child as a potential playmate for DS?

[Rosebud1302]

I think I know the answer to this. But I'm so conflicted. I know these posts have been done to death so I apologise in advance.

DS is nearly 3. I wouldn't consider having another child until he is in school because I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me.

But to be honest, I don't have any burning desire to have another child at all. I love my son, but I'm not a woman who has always wanted multiple children. I am not "natural" in motherhood. To me, we are just starting to get the funding for nursery so I'm getting some money back. Although we are not struggling by any means, I am looking forward to the financial childcare burden lifting. Obviously if I have another, it will come back again full force (I don't want to be a SAHM).

Which leads me onto another point. There is potential for progressing in my job which I have wanted for a long time. But that can only happen if I increase my hours which I will be able to do when DS goes to school. If I have another child I will have to reduce again after maternity as I can't afford full time childcare fees (the nursery is expensive).

My son was a tricky baby and I struggled so so much, wondered why I had done this to myself. All the normal. I worry about feelings these things again with another baby. I'm not sure I can go through it again (had mild depression).

But on the other hand. I feel sad that DS won't have a little sibling to play with. This is naive though isn't it? Or is it. I know they might not get on but I feel at least it would be another child he can interact with. Or would the age gap (4+ years) be too much for him to see that child as a playmate anyway? I'm definitely not trying for a baby until he is in school so a smaller gap is out of the question.

Is it unreasonable to have a child in the hope it will give the first child some company?

Can I have some opinions and experiences from people who maybe felt like me and how it turned out? I know no one can decide for me of course but it would help to hear thoughts!

P.S, DP is relaxed and not strongly leaning one way or the other either.

Thank you!

@letsallbemermaids

I've got a big age gap between my two children (4.5 years) and it really works well for my family but I'm under no illusions - they are at different stages and won't play together that much. However, I am confident they will have a nice sibling relationship throughout their lives and I love having them both. For career and mental wellbeing reasons, a smaller age gap was never a possibility.

That is not actually a huge gap. Plenty of people have five years between themselves and a sibling and enjoy it. The older child tends to be very 'maternal' or male equivalent towards the younger (sometimes bossy), and, as they get older, the difference is less noticeable. It's nice to have one at school when a new baby comes along, makes life easier.

Given your posts I’d stick with one . Mine do play with each other but that only really happened from 2. We had a few times when my eldest said she’d wished the youngest hadn't been born etc. I always wanted 2 but it was much harder than I expected and my children’s needs are more different than I was expecting with a gap just under 3 years. That said, I have friends that have a 4 year gap and love it- they enjoyed having the baby once the eldest was in school and were able to meet the different needs nicely.

I just can't think of having two small kids at home, it just isn't for me

When he's 3 will he not basically have the same amount of hours at nursery as he would at school?

@Fleetw00d

As an only child, I would have hated a sibling and would have been an awful and cruel big sister and very resentful towards my parents attention being diverted from me.

I am also an only child and I think I would have felt the same. However, I think having a sibling is a life changing event which actually shapes your personality, helps you realise you’re not the centre of the universe and “knocks the corners off you”. I never had that and struggled to get on with others and make friends at school and remained odd, over-sensitive, self unaware and, frankly, emotionally unintelligent right into adulthood.

I say this as someone who plans to stop at one myself (horrendous PND) - but the way I parent my son will be very different from the approach my parents took with me, and he is obviously a very different person from me!

But ultimately, OP: if YOU do not want another child, do not have one.

Having multiple DC is for the parents, not the existing children. Unless you want another, don't do it.

They could be best mates, but equally they could grow up never speaking and/or fighting constantly. My DH is one of five - he only speaks to a couple of them and hasn't spoken to his eldest sister in well over a decade - and she only lives round the corner!

Thanks everyone for more thoughts. To be honest unless things dramatically change in the next year I think he will remain an only.
@shouldistop no he will be in nursery 3 days and home with me for 2 plus weekends.

We're only 4 months in but I feel really happy with the age gap. My son is at school full time - he is completing his final week of reception this week - and I've been able to go to baby classes, coffees with other mums on mat leave and lots of walks without having to pay for a nursery place for him to do all of these things. I've been able to offer similar experiences to those I had with my first born to my new baby and my eldest has had lots of stability from a strong and consistent routine during the week with school. Most of his classmates have siblings who are 2 to 3 years younger/older but this age gap is great for us. He is independent and capable, he sleeps wonderfully, and our baby has just slotted into our life. I'm sure there will be challenges ahead when they want to do different things but I think we probably would have had those challenges even with a smaller gap, having had a son first and a daughter second. He will be in year 5 when she starts reception which seems enormously different but we'll make it work.

I struggled with my mood for years after DS was born due to a lack of sleep. He only slept through consistently from 3.5 years old. I have a full-on job and I couldn't have dealt with two night waking children without falling into a severe depression. Fortunately DD is a much easier baby than DS was and sleeps fine.

All of this is to say that having this age gap is great for many, many reasons but one of those reasons isn't that they will be childhood playmates into the same toys and games at the same time.

I was in your position, had struggled had PND and didn’t want to go through it again. We had a happy little accident and DS 2 was born with 3 years 8 months between them.
I can honestly say it was the best thing ever ( even though I got PND . DA1 was thrilled to be a brother, they get on really really well , play together all the time, there is no competition because of the age gap and DS1 was out of nappies and a helpful preschooler who slept well when DS2 was born.
I feel sorry for only children as I know how much mine love each other. Everyone is different but I’m so glad we had a second

A 4+ year age gap can be quite awkward to manage. They might play together in the house or at the beach, but many other activities have age limits so you will be stuck with not being able to take the older one to certain activities, unless you can get your DH/other childcare to take the younger one, and vice versa. E.g. films, theme parks, sports activities, theatre, extracurricular, holidays etc. When the youngest is very young they'll be too boring to be a playmate for a 4/5 year old, then when the older one hits 10 the age gap will feel even bigger as they'll just be into completely different things and want a different level of independence. There will be a small window when they're in primary that they might play together, plus when they're much older (late teens onwards) where that age gap disappears.