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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU engagement ring

248 replies

Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 19:05

I split with my ex in November last year after 15 years together, engaged for 8, he's now demanding the engagement ring back after initially telling me to sell it. I told him despite what he paid, £3k, it won't be worth anywhere near that, in fact the highest valuation I've had was £500 which I told him. He thinks I'm lying and has asked for the ring or £3k and will not let up. I don't think I should have to return the ring or pay him any money but AIBU?

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 09/07/2021 21:07

@Janaih
Ha funny!!!!! So true
90s has the answer for everything

DolphinFC · 09/07/2021 21:09

No wonder so many men have affairs.

Classica · 09/07/2021 21:10

@Simbacatisback, that reminds me of that famous VW ad from the 1980s where the beautiful woman is storming out of the house and throwing the jewellery and fur coat (presumably gifts from her recent ex) over her shoulder as she leaves Grin

Classica · 09/07/2021 21:10

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have affairs.
Oh do go on!
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2021 21:14

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have affairs.
Because their fiancée won't put up with drinking and weed and they have to find another mug to shag them?
Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 21:16

Men have affairs because they can't have an engagement ring back after 8 years and two children? Confused

TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 21:16

@DolphinFC

Legally it's yours.

Morally it's his.

Depends on what kind of a person you are.

Your choice but I think I know your answer.

Morally, the ring is hers also, especially since tradition is to keep the ring in this country.

In any case, he'll only spend the proceeds on weed and booze, whereas OP is planning to use the proceeds on her DC.

Staffy1 · 09/07/2021 21:17

According to Judge Judy, an engagement ring is given in contemplation of marriage and if that doesn’t happen for whatever reason, the person who bought it is entitled to it, or it’s value, back.

Classica · 09/07/2021 21:21

Who knew so many people on MN recognised Judge Judy, who works from a TV studio in L.A, as being the true law of the land! Grin

Original poster
Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 21:22

Thanks for all your responses. I've decided to sell it and put whatever I get into the kids accounts and keep £100 back for a day out somewhere for us.

If he objects to that, tough, not much he can do really is there?

OP posts:
Mandalay246 · 09/07/2021 21:23

Yes, it is a gift, but it wouldn't have been given to OP if they hadn't intended marrying, so not quite the same as any other gift. Just give it back to him - why do you want to keep it?

DolphinFC · 09/07/2021 21:26

I take back my comment about affairs. That was petty and stupid of me - I apologise.

My other comments stand.

Legally it's hers, morally it's his.

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 21:29

@Googlewasmyidea1

Thanks for all your responses. I've decided to sell it and put whatever I get into the kids accounts and keep £100 back for a day out somewhere for us.

If he objects to that, tough, not much he can do really is there?

Perfect.
PurpleFlower1983 · 09/07/2021 21:29

I would give it back.

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 21:32

@Cabinfever10

The ring was given in promise of marriage you didn't marry him so he gets it back. If you don't give it back and sell it he can take you to court for the retail cost of the ring and he will win. Yabu and grabby by wanting to keep it give it back

I believe that is correct regarding the legality.

Zilla1 · 09/07/2021 21:38

It's an exceptionally old fashioned view that the person breaking the engagement should return it and after 8 years, I'd expect that obsolete English tradition which didn't exist in the world of 8 year engagements and children out of wedlock would not be valid anyway. I could perhaps understand if it were a family heirloom but his insistence on £3k implies it might have been a new purchase.

Given the mark up and the habitual over-valuation of stones, I'm surprised you got a £500 valuation. In most rings, almost all the value is in the gold and people are mislead by the fictional 'insurance valuation' encouraged by the high street jewellers to hide the massive mark up. You could show him the weight and put it into a scrap value calculator.

Do you want to keep it on principle, OP, or for your DD?

Good luck OP though it sounds like your ex isn't likely to suddenly develop common sense.

Chloemol · 09/07/2021 21:38

Well if you watch Judge Judy an engagement ring is given on the promise of something. That something didn’t happen and the ring goes back

Just give it back, then he can find out for himself, it’s not like you are going to wear it

Original poster
Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 21:41

@Chloemol

Well if you watch Judge Judy an engagement ring is given on the promise of something. That something didn’t happen and the ring goes back

Just give it back, then he can find out for himself, it’s not like you are going to wear it

I think the Judge Judy comment has been done to death now but thanks
OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 09/07/2021 21:42

And how much will it cost him to go to court over a £500 engagement ring? And how much aggravation you could save yourself by returning it?

Op, return the ring, he can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. And it will free you from years wondering what the hell to do with it every time you see it, because believe me, you will never want to wear it again. I wouldn’t even pass it to my child as It feels as if it’s cursed, yet it is still lurking in a drawer to bring back some bad memories everytime I stumble with it.

Original poster
Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 21:44

@GrandmasCat

And how much will it cost him to go to court over a £500 engagement ring? And how much aggravation you could save yourself by returning it?

Op, return the ring, he can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. And it will free you from years wondering what the hell to do with it every time you see it, because believe me, you will never want to wear it again. I wouldn’t even pass it to my child as It feels as if it’s cursed, yet it is still lurking in a drawer to bring back some bad memories everytime I stumble with it.

I've already said I'm selling it and putting the money in the kids account. He won't take me to court, he couldn't be arsed, it's too much effort
OP posts:
Zilla1 · 09/07/2021 21:46

If the OP is in England then the situation is more complicated than 'legally it is his' - If you get any grief, OP, just assert it was a gidft - One solicitor sets out the following summary which should give you some comfort around it being treated as a gift-

"In UK law the giving of an engagement ring is presumed to be a gift so it is assumed the person who receives it should keep it.

This presumption can be rebutted by proving that the gift was given as a condition in expectation that a future event or action will take place. If the marriage doesn’t take place the gift should therefore be returned. Unless some form of agreement has been made prior to the proposal, which can obviously be seen as very unromantic and takes away the element of surprise, legally the recipient is under no obligation to return the ring.

Rights to the ring get even more complex when it is a family heirloom or has significant value. Can you imagine the implications of being presented with the diamond-encrusted sapphire the Duchess of Cambridge was given and then breaking off the engagement?"

And if there were an 8 year engagement and children then I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the courts to deprive the OP of £500 scrap value.

www.whnsolicitors.co.uk/newsroom/family/broken-engagement-who-gets-the-ring/#:~:text=In%20UK%20law%20the%20giving,receives%20it%20should%20keep%20it.&text=If%20the%20marriage%20doesn't,gift%20should%20therefore%20be%20returned.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/07/2021 21:46

Just give it back, why do you want it??

Zilla1 · 09/07/2021 21:48

It's sweet how PPs imbue Judge Judy has magical powers of setting presumably permanent, international binding precedents across all areas of law, irrespective of jurisdiction.

pallisers · 09/07/2021 21:49

@DolphinFC

Legally it's yours.

Morally it's his.

Depends on what kind of a person you are.

Your choice but I think I know your answer.

MORALLY it is his??? on what planet is it morally the right thing to hand back a gift after 8 years to a man who chose weed and booze over his marriage and doesn't want to pay for his children?

your moral sense is a hell of a lot different to mine.

whynotwhatknot · 09/07/2021 21:49

Hes wasted money on booze weed etc and wouldnt pay proper maintenance

fuck him