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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal finances

286 replies

Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 22:52

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

OP posts:
BillMasen · 09/07/2021 10:20

@CastawayQueen

The ‘regular household expenses’ don’t matter. He chose to earn less and you know it - and you won’t be happy living a lifestyle he can afford. So you will be stuck paying for any extras and the cost of your joint lifestyle (such as lions share of rent for a bigger place, holidays ) forever. Why should he do ‘extras around the house’ just to make up for you being a higher earner when you knew what he was like and still chose to date him? Unless he’s spending his personal money on personal things he wouldn’t be able to afford without meeting you (like luxury clothes and expensive alcohol) I wouldn’t say they’re taking advantage. Even if they put in extra £400 they still ask you for money as you say you pay for extras so you’re making it up either way aren’t you? Unequal relationships don’t last unless there are children or the lower earner does a great deal for the higher earner for this very reason. Attitude to earning is a very important value (as is religion and wanting children) and is a potential dealbreaker.
Jesus. You’d say this to a lower earning woman? They chose to earn less so suck it up?
Stompythedinosaur · 09/07/2021 10:24

I think my issue is that there are many reasons that people earn more or less, and there are not mainly to do with "working hard". They are to do with upbringing, access to education, experience of parenting or other role modelling, opportunities you had access to, maybe some traits like intelligence or mental robustness.

I would hate the idea that my partner, the person who is meant to have my back above all others, was happy for me to live a worse lifestyle because the think that my earning potential indicates I am somehow less valued or less entitled to a nice lifestyle.

It just isn't how loving relationships are in my experience.

TableFlowerss · 09/07/2021 10:24

I don’t really get this mindset. If you’re in a relationship with someone, I assume you love them.

I couldn’t be with someone that was squabbling about money and who pays what etc… surely on your salary you’ll still be able to save?

Anyway it’s none of my business

Darkstar4855 · 09/07/2021 10:26

I was going to say YABU but if you own the house 50-50 then he should be contributing to the mortgage in that proportion as he’ll get half the value if you split up. I’d go proportionally on the rest of the bills though.

I am a higher earner (roughly 2x what partner earns) and we split proportionally but the house was in my name so he was effectively paying me rent.

honeylulu · 09/07/2021 10:26

I get the point why should the higher earner slog their guts out to subsidise a lower earner who isn't making the same sacrifices

I agree with this. It would be different if the lower earner had sacrificed their earning power/ pension growth to have and care for their joint children and take on a lion's share of housework and cooking but none of that applies here.

He wants a share of your disposable income while considering himself a free spirit who doesn't want to be troubled with a boring or difficult job, has an extra day off a week, doesn't take on a greater share of housework and gets his dinner cooked every night by OP! Plus it sounds like she covers the cost of holidays and meals out so he also gets an uplift to a better lifestyle than he could afford when they do stuff together.

Contributions in proportion to earnings sounds fine to me. This us what me and my husband have always done - we have a joint account for household and child expenses which is proportionately funded. Our disposable income is our own. Mine is higher and like you I pay for more treats (days out, meals, renovations etc). My husband used to be the higher earner and I had less fun money. I'm now the higher earner (by quite a bit) as I went to college in the evenings (covered by a loan I solely paid back myself) for four years, plus two years workplace training to get a professional qualification. That was bloody difficult! My husband moans sometimes that I have more money but I remind him that:
He could have done the same to get a better job/ career but he couldn't be arsed.
When he earned more, he had more money than me.
He gets the benefit of all the extras I pay for including trips, meals out and a nicely renovated house/new furniture we choose together.

Sceptre86 · 09/07/2021 10:35

You should pay the mortgage, for your car assuming you have one and any other of your own expenses. Your partner should pay for his car, again assuming he has one, then either the groceries or bills (whichever is less) and his own expenses so if he has a hobby, goes to the gym. I would alternate paying in restaurants, bars but if you prefer to go to more expensive places I would expect you to pay. If he works 4 days a week I would expect him to do more around the house and its great that you love to cook but I would expect him to cook too.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 10:45

@BillMasen You have no reading comprehension skills do you - my post CLEARLY says that it was the OP's choice to date a lower earner, so the only way she can enjoy a joint lifestyle commensurate with her salary is if she pays.
Also your earlier post about the 'other way round' - most lower earning women who post have gone part-time for childcare. They deserve as much as possible from the higher earner because they're facilitating his career and managing the family.
Childless posters no matter what their gender get the same advice - they should pay their own way.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 10:48

Also to add the DP doesn't do housework - basically lives a life of leisure.
There's no ISSUE with this at base as long as both partners accept it.
But the OP is earning all this extra money at cost to herself (stress etc) - it will definitely rankle seeing her partner living his best life on her dime.
It's not really about the money - it's a mismatch in values.
I'm a higher earning woman and I could never be with someone who wasn't ambitious - and I'm very protective of my money - so I just don't date lower earning men. Worked well for me...

LindaEllen · 09/07/2021 10:49

@Itsraimy

Both salaries are gross. So my take home is about 4.6k after pension. Theirs is 1.5k after pension.
Honestly, if the outgoings were £3k a month with this split, if I was you I'd cover them. Or if he really wants to contribute in that way, just ask him for £500 a month or something like that.
Pinkandpink · 09/07/2021 10:51

Stompythedinosaur
I agree with your post 100 %

BillMasen · 09/07/2021 10:52

@CastawayQueen

Also to add the DP doesn't do housework - basically lives a life of leisure. There's no ISSUE with this at base as long as both partners accept it. But the OP is earning all this extra money at cost to herself (stress etc) - it will definitely rankle seeing her partner living his best life on her dime. It's not really about the money - it's a mismatch in values. I'm a higher earning woman and I could never be with someone who wasn't ambitious - and I'm very protective of my money - so I just don't date lower earning men. Worked well for me...
You’re equating ambition with £, effectively saying lower earners aren’t ambitious. Lovely

I’m a higher earning man. If I came on here and said I made my partner (lower earning, let’s say a teacher or nurse, loves their career) pay half I’d be ripped apart and I suspect you’d also join that disapproval.

Habitualhonesty · 09/07/2021 10:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Snowpaw · 09/07/2021 10:58

I certainly wouldn’t be overpaying the mortgage on a jointly owned home with such financial inequality. I’d put that into a buy-to-let property in your sole name, or some other investment that is yours alone.

FlaminEckVera · 09/07/2021 11:00

@Itsraimy Why do you keep calling your partner 'THEY?' Confused It must be so much more difficult to keep putting THEY. It's so annoying when people do this!

Is your partner male or female?

And are YOU male or female?

Also, YABVVVU. And mean.

This relationship is going nowhere if you're going to be so selfish with your own money. Maybe you need to find someone else who is on a similar salary to you. Hmm

BillMasen · 09/07/2021 11:01

[quote FlaminEckVera]@Itsraimy Why do you keep calling your partner 'THEY?' Confused It must be so much more difficult to keep putting THEY. It's so annoying when people do this!

Is your partner male or female?

And are YOU male or female?

Also, YABVVVU. And mean.

This relationship is going nowhere if you're going to be so selfish with your own money. Maybe you need to find someone else who is on a similar salary to you. Hmm[/quote]
Does it make a difference if the partner is male or female?

wedswench · 09/07/2021 11:02

[quote FlaminEckVera]@Itsraimy Why do you keep calling your partner 'THEY?' Confused It must be so much more difficult to keep putting THEY. It's so annoying when people do this!

Is your partner male or female?

And are YOU male or female?

Also, YABVVVU. And mean.

This relationship is going nowhere if you're going to be so selfish with your own money. Maybe you need to find someone else who is on a similar salary to you. Hmm[/quote]
I guess he/she wants opinions based on facts not based on assumptions about the two of them because of what sex or gender they are

FlaminEckVera · 09/07/2021 11:02

@BillMasen

No, but it's just annoying, and weird, when someone keeps calling their partner THEY. I mean WHY? Confused

FlaminEckVera · 09/07/2021 11:03

But the answer will be the same whether they say whether they and their partner are male or female. Confused

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 11:04

@BillMasen Teachers and nurses aren't lower earners - of course they earn less compared to investment bankers but not in the 'grand scheme of things' lower earners. While their base salary may appear 'lower' the benefits and pensions are generous. And as they advance through the grades their salaries increase.

Again - the issue is not about money, its about lifestyle. You haven't responded to any of my points despite my first post saying that OP should pay. And you claim to be a man. Did you come on here just to castigate higher earning women?

BillMasen · 09/07/2021 11:06

@FlaminEckVera

But the answer will be the same whether they say whether they and their partner are male or female. Confused
Are you new here?
wedswench · 09/07/2021 11:06

@BillMasen but teaching, nursing etc. Is a career and a very stressful one at that.

OP seems to suggest their partner doesn't value a career and doesn't want to work particularly hard, wants a 4 day week etc.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 11:08

[quote wedswench]@BillMasen but teaching, nursing etc. Is a career and a very stressful one at that.

OP seems to suggest their partner doesn't value a career and doesn't want to work particularly hard, wants a 4 day week etc.

[/quote]
This.

BillMasen · 09/07/2021 11:10

[quote CastawayQueen]@BillMasen Teachers and nurses aren't lower earners - of course they earn less compared to investment bankers but not in the 'grand scheme of things' lower earners. While their base salary may appear 'lower' the benefits and pensions are generous. And as they advance through the grades their salaries increase.

Again - the issue is not about money, its about lifestyle. You haven't responded to any of my points despite my first post saying that OP should pay. And you claim to be a man. Did you come on here just to castigate higher earning women?[/quote]
I was using those careers as examples of lower (than me) earners but hard working careers. You were the one equating lower £ with lack of ambition. I was saying I’d fully expect to pay much more into the pot if my partner was earning less.

And what’s your point on lifestyle? That I should have a good one even if that means my partner can’t?

JaninaDuszejko · 09/07/2021 11:11

So from your OP I though YABU. But then I read that your partner only works 4 days a week and you own the house 50:50 but you regularly overpay the mortgage and those change things. So forget the small fry stuff and

a) Assuming there is no healthcare reason, think about why they work 4 days a week and if you are happy to subsidise a lifestyle choice like that. If not then end the relationship. If you are happy to subsidise them then get married, I assume you've been together long enough to make this decision if you are in your 30s and have a mortgage.

b) stop overpaying the mortgage, save any excess money elsewhere (do you use all your S&S ISA allowance?). But if you are committed enough to buy a house why don't you get married?

Once you are married, and particularly if you have children then bills should be paid in such a way as to give you both equal spending money and you should both get equal free time so your DP needs to be doing something worthwhile with that extra day.

claralara42 · 09/07/2021 11:12

@Viviennemary

I thought in MN world all money is familly money. Except when the lion's share is yours. Hmm
In a family maybe. Not 2 unrelated adults with no kids.
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