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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Office colleague not contributing

184 replies

BlueVixen · 08/07/2021 22:13

AIBU in thinking the one person in our small office who didn't contribute towards a box of chocolates and a card for the cleaner shouldn't sign the birthday card. I suggested it in the office today and immediately two colleagues thought it was a good idea an put £2 in the 'pot'. Ended up with £8 (including my contribution). Enough to by a box of chocolates, a card and some wrapping paper. Showing a bit of appreciation. The cleaner is lovely. She cleans a whole building, not just our space, and is cheerful and personable and works hard. The colleague who didn't stump up £2 is not hard up. She and I are both pretty new in the office. She left the office whilst we were talking about it. I'm not sure what to do. Small problem - in the scheme of things but ........

OP posts:
Planty13 · 09/07/2021 11:56

Was she even paying attention? I YABU if you didn’t even ask

CaptainCaveMum · 09/07/2021 12:10

@comebacksunshines

‘Team effort’ - and there we have it Hate to break it to you, but if you have colleagues, then you are part of a team. But carry on believing you are more special than your colleagues, because you are not contributing to a group collection.
But carry on believing you are more special than your colleagues, because you are not contributing to a group collection.

wow… judgy much.

Someone doesn’t contribute to a group collection = belief they are more special.

The poison dripping from your words. What a hateful workplace you must have.

Just wow.

JenniferWooley · 09/07/2021 12:21

Two things OP - there's 14 people in my office, we all chip in £5 per birthday - that's £70 a year not much in the grand scheme of things but still a lot for birthdays of people I wouldn't normally choose to buy for.

Secondly you have no idea of her circumstances financially. I'm fairly well paid compared to others in my office so they likely think I'm ok financially however I'm a single parent & mine is the only income & expected to cover everything, everyone else either lives with a working DP or their parents so even the lower paid colleagues will most likely have more disposable income than I do.

Just let her sign the card - I'd rather chip in the £2 to cover her share than let the cleaner feel upset thinking the colleague doesn't like her.

ddl1 · 09/07/2021 12:30

But carry on believing you are more special than your colleagues, because you are not contributing to a group collection.

It's not in general a question of feeling 'special'. It's about making a gift to a friend or close colleague more personal. If anyone is made to feel more special, it's the person who receives the gift!

I have no problem with contributing to a group gift, so long as people know it's something that the recipient will appreciate (I very much DON'T want my birthday to be acknowledged, and especially not any age-milestone). And if there are rules about it, there are rules. But this bickering about who is or isn't 'special', or does or doesn't think of themselves, as 'special', makes me feel as though I'm back on the school playground!

comebacksunshines · 09/07/2021 13:46

wow… judgy much.
It's you that has dismissed a team collection for a colleague as a a public performance, letting us know how you are morally superior because you choose to do it individually in 'private' . I think the judgy-ness is coming your end.

All I can say is you must have worked in some strange places if you view a team celebration of a colleagues life event, a public performance ? Same for coercion and bullying, its good you've found the strength to go it alone. Keep fighting the non existent battle.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/07/2021 17:48

So, what's wrong with a "Happy Birthday Janet, doing anything nice later"?

Is the cleaner also expected to chip in for all your team's birthdays, OP? If not, why not?

I think showing appreciation is to treat a cleaner like any other member of the team. Talk to them, remember things that they've been doing/are interested in and never mind playing 'lady bountiful' with a box of chocolates that you've latched onto a 'team present'.

Added to which, clean up your own cups and mess in shared space that she'll clean and I'm sure that would be appreciated also.

The more I think about it, the more embarrassing I actually think it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/07/2021 17:49

... and a public performance is exactly what this presentation of a 'team box of birthday chocolates' is.

You can think it sneery, I think of it as an echo of the tone of the thread from the 'box of chocolateers' on the thread.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 18:17

Hate collections with a passion. They are dumb. But agree that whoever didn’t contribute shouldn’t sign the card.

comebacksunshines · 09/07/2021 18:21

... and a public performance is exactly what this presentation of a 'team box of birthday chocolates' is.
Oh well me must protect those good honest working class folk, from the shame of being presented a with a of chocolates by their betters.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/07/2021 18:40

Quite.

Ledgeofglory · 09/07/2021 18:50

I haven’t rtft only your posts op but you haven’t actually said that she wants to sign the card.
Perhaps she isn’t interested or contributing or signing.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 09/07/2021 21:20

@Ledgeofglory

I haven’t rtft only your posts op but you haven’t actually said that she wants to sign the card. Perhaps she isn’t interested or contributing or signing.
The OP was asked this question and ignored it.
PeopleAreOverrated · 10/07/2021 09:08

In an office where I used to work they would send the collection envelope around first and the card would sometimes make its way around after. I got sick of contributing without getting the ‘credit’ I suppose so stopped as it was a case of constant collections. I’m happy with being a bit Scrooge.

Yesyoucantell · 10/07/2021 09:16

Who made you queen/king of the office?

So YOU decide to get the cleaner a gift and everyone has to put their hand in pocket?

If it's so easy to throw cash around why didn't you just buy the box of chocolates yourself?

Is this a control/dominance thing?

Summerleaves · 10/07/2021 09:20

We're not allowed collections at work. Someone buys a card for big events like leaving, babies etc which everyone signs and the company gives flowers and/or a gift.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 09:37

@Summerleaves

We're not allowed collections at work. Someone buys a card for big events like leaving, babies etc which everyone signs and the company gives flowers and/or a gift.
THIS is the most sensible way - any vacancies? Can I send you my CV? :D

OP I get you were trying to do a nice thing but something that relies on others may be viewed differently by different people. There are lots of free ways (like one colleague asked everyone else to contribute a video of them saying happy birthday to colleague with funniest filters).

MaMelon · 10/07/2021 11:30

THIS is the most sensible way - any vacancies?

Unless it’s a public body - in which case I can’t believe that many people would be happy for my NHS employer to be spending its money on buying flowers every time one of us has a baby or leaves!

Ultimately no-one should feel under pressure to contribute but it’s a bit cheeky to sign a card that comes as part of the present/gift wrapping/card package that the money people chip in with pays for if you’re not contributing.

Summerleaves · 10/07/2021 11:40

No, not a public body!

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/07/2021 13:49

Apologies if I’ve missed something, OP, but I can’t see in any of your posts where the card fits in to this. You say you were talking about the collection and this colleague left the room… does she even know there’s a card? Are you sure she’s even interested in signing it - or have you just decided that she won’t be?

Or, has the card already been around the office and she’s already signed it, but now doesn’t want to contribute to the collection? In which case you can’t really complain about her having signed the card - she didn’t know there were any expectations around it.

As you’re both relatively new to the office, I’d avoid making any waves around this. You can’t be sure everyone else is on the same page as you.

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/07/2021 13:54

@Wearywithteens

She a tight arse I can guarantee. Not pleasant people - they are not generous in time, money or spirit in my experience and best avoided. How you treat the cleaners in your workplace say a lot about the person. As she’s clearly not strapped I think I would mercilessly and publicly take the piss.
I think it says a lot more about you that you’d publicly bully someone who didn’t want to contribute to a collection. There’s more than one way to be cheap.
proopher · 10/07/2021 14:05

To be honest I think the card and the present are separate things in a work situation. I didn't realise a card's purpose was to inform the recipient of the list of people who contributed to the present. I thought they were to convey good wishes.

MaMelon · 10/07/2021 14:14

I didn't realise a card's purpose was to inform the recipient of the list of people who contributed to the present

Yes - it’s to show who’s contributed to the pot. The present/s, card and gift wrapping are all paid for by the pot. Who do you think has paid for the card you’re signing?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/07/2021 14:19

Wearywithteens
She a tight arse I can guarantee. Not pleasant people - they are not generous in time, money or spirit in my experience and best avoided. How you treat the cleaners in your workplace say a lot about the person. As she’s clearly not strapped I think I would mercilessly and publicly take the piss.

You'd justifiably be disciplined for bullying if you did this in my company. Sounds like you think that a box of chocolates and a card requires a 'team effort' (it doesn't, quite honestly), and anybody who declines to join in is to be pilloried. Lady bountiful syndrome sums it up perfectly.

I doubt anybody would contribute for you either, just be pleased to see the back of you when you were booted out.

proopher · 10/07/2021 14:30

@MaMelon

I didn't realise a card's purpose was to inform the recipient of the list of people who contributed to the present

Yes - it’s to show who’s contributed to the pot. The present/s, card and gift wrapping are all paid for by the pot. Who do you think has paid for the card you’re signing?

In the companies I've worked for it's usual for the line manager or boss to buy the presents and the contributions from other staff are just that, contributions. So the line manager buys the card and present and other staff have contributed either by putting a little money in or signing the card.

It seems so petty and tight to get worked up over £2 and signing a card, I bet the poor cleaner would be mortified.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 14:34

@proopher

To be honest I think the card and the present are separate things in a work situation. I didn't realise a card's purpose was to inform the recipient of the list of people who contributed to the present. I thought they were to convey good wishes.
this is situation dependent. In one of my former teams (30 people) an envelope was passed around, and then the card. Enough people contributed each time so there was no need to police anything. It also worked well because just £1 or £2 per person was enough and different people contributed each time.

In a small team it would be very bad form to sign without paying. As even one person not contributing has a big impact.